Page 14 | To expect DD15 to feed herself?

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 2022-08-16T14:20:14+00:00

Went on a lunch date today. DCs are all older teens. DD (15) is outraged that I didn’t sort out something for her to eat when I got home at 2.30pm I told her there is bread for toast, wraps, crumpets, leftover chicken in the fridge, noodles/pasta etc and that she can make herself something. She thinks it is selfish of me to feed myself and not her. WIBU? YABU she needs lunch and you are mean not to provide her with this before you left or after you came home YANBU she is 15 with no additional needs, perfectly capable of fending for herself and needs to grow the F up. I thank you.

LateAF · 17/08/2022 09:37

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 06:11

and the friend thing is awkward as she fell out with her friends at the start of the Holidays, so has spent it all alone

a 15 year old girl has fallen out with all her friends and has spent the holidays alone. The school term is shortly to begin again.

OP - whilst i think she sounds much more rude and entitled than I would expect my teens to behave, I’d be bloody worried about this. 15 year old girls generally don’t tend to fall out with all their friends unless they have actually behaved pretty shitty to them.

That is one of the most ridiculous things I have read on here. I have seen groups of friends turn on the nicest people for no other reason than jealousy, or for shits and giggles, because a doormat friend set some boundaries and the group didn’t lie it, or because the friend no longer fits the group aesthetic! This is from 6 year olds to university students, and even sometimes mature adult friends. There’s a myriad of reasons OP’s daughter may have fallen out with her friends and it’s silly to assume it means OP’s daughter has done anything wrong.

I fell out with my uni friends because I was the people pleaser that tried to stick up for myself, and they didn’t like that. My other lovely uni friend (not in the same group) fell out with her friends because they suddenly decided they didn’t like her face - so they decided to embark on a sustained and horrific bullying campaign that has ruined her self esteem to this day.

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 09:48

LateAF · 17/08/2022 09:37

That is one of the most ridiculous things I have read on here. I have seen groups of friends turn on the nicest people for no other reason than jealousy, or for shits and giggles, because a doormat friend set some boundaries and the group didn’t lie it, or because the friend no longer fits the group aesthetic! This is from 6 year olds to university students, and even sometimes mature adult friends. There’s a myriad of reasons OP’s daughter may have fallen out with her friends and it’s silly to assume it means OP’s daughter has done anything wrong.

I fell out with my uni friends because I was the people pleaser that tried to stick up for myself, and they didn’t like that. My other lovely uni friend (not in the same group) fell out with her friends because they suddenly decided they didn’t like her face - so they decided to embark on a sustained and horrific bullying campaign that has ruined her self esteem to this day.

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Bloomin heck - you need to get nicer groups of friends

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 09:49

I fell out with my uni friends because I was the people pleaser that tried to stick up for myself, and they didn’t like that.

i am always be interested in hearing the other side of the story when someone says they had friendship issues because essentially “too nice”!

Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:10

KarenOLantern · 17/08/2022 08:54

100% agree.

It's not about the food OP, it's about the fact you are currently your DD's only friend, and from her point of view her only friend ditched her to go off living it large with someone else, and her other possible friend (her brother) ignored her existence by making himself food and not offering to chuck another slice of toast in the toaster for her (which I think we've established in this thread that some people would find that perfectly normal and acceptable whereas other people would find it quite uncaring and wouldn't dream of doing it to anyone in their own family.

You sound like a lovely family OP and your DD sounds lovely too. I hope she hasn't been too traumatised by this thread!

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Ah bless you. Thank you. TBH to start with I was reading out the replies to her and we were both having a laugh about it, but when the 100th “she’s an entitled spoiled brat” came up I stopped. Hope she hasn’t been reading it herself as she’s already feeling a bit delicate with the friend situation. I do feel bad for posting now, as I know AIBU can be a bear pit at the the best of times and I can now see that it wasn’t about the food, as you say.

And for anyone saying “what has she done to fall out with her friends?”, she only really had 2, and they sent her a text one evening saying they wanted to take a break from her as she’s “a lot”! Hopefully she will find her people but it seems that they are not them.

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sweetbambi · 17/08/2022 10:14

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair I hope the friend situation gets better soon for your daughter. is there potentially any hobby or interest groups she might be able to join? maybe that would be a good place to find more people that have similar interests to her

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 10:19

And for anyone saying “what has she done to fall out with her friends?”, she only really had 2, and they sent her a text one evening saying they wanted to take a break from her as she’s “a lot”! Hopefully she will find her people but it seems that they are not them.

Oh OP, this is sad. She only has two friends and they think she’s “a lot” (which does rather resonate given your thread).

Term starting soon. Must be a worry for you both.

Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:20

bloodyunicorns · 17/08/2022 06:37

Yanbu! She is lazy and entitled.

What's she like with doing chores in general?

Generally the most helpful child you could imagine. She will regularly put her headphones on and spend an hour or two cleaning the whole kitchen, washing up, drying up, putting away and making it 100% spotless. She’s brilliant at that.

She’ll also sort and fold laundry, tidies up, plumps the cushions and makes the sitting room welcoming, keeps her own room super tidy, making her bed every day with throws and cushions etc artfully arranged.

She’s not a helpless slob by a long way, she’s a very capable young woman. Just hasn’t really got the hang of the food thing . She makes porridge and cuts up carrots for snacks but that’s about her limit in the kitchen!

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SleeplessInEngland · 17/08/2022 10:21

Ladyof2022 · 16/08/2022 22:31

At 15 she should be cooking a meal for the family once a week!

lol. Imagine if this actually happened.

Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:21

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 10:19

And for anyone saying “what has she done to fall out with her friends?”, she only really had 2, and they sent her a text one evening saying they wanted to take a break from her as she’s “a lot”! Hopefully she will find her people but it seems that they are not them.

Oh OP, this is sad. She only has two friends and they think she’s “a lot” (which does rather resonate given your thread).

Term starting soon. Must be a worry for you both.

It is a worry. There’s an extra curricular thing she’s interested in that I think might be more her sort of people (think historical reenactment type people!) so we’re planning to go along for an open evening in Sept and hope she finds some more useful friends.

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Goldencarp · 17/08/2022 10:22

My teens are 15 and 16 they always get their own lunch even if I’m home. They sometimes get their own tea too if they don’t want what I’m cooking. I used to cook several meals but don’t any more.

Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:23

sweetbambi · 17/08/2022 10:14

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair I hope the friend situation gets better soon for your daughter. is there potentially any hobby or interest groups she might be able to join? maybe that would be a good place to find more people that have similar interests to her

Yes that’s the plan, thanks Bambi. She’s a lovely kid but just not really on the same wavelength as a lot of girls her age unfortunately! Hoping the aforementioned club might help her.

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KarenOLantern · 17/08/2022 10:30

And for anyone saying “what has she done to fall out with her friends?”, she only really had 2, and they sent her a text one evening saying they wanted to take a break from her as she’s “a lot”! Hopefully she will find her people but it seems that they are not them.

Oh bless her, she must be feeling crap about that. I hope she makes new friends come the new term, but if she doesn't tell her loads of us had no mates in Secondary school but found life gets loads better when you can go off to college or uni or whatever and start making your own life.

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 10:33

Why only 2 friends (before they said she was too much)? Has she always struggled to make friends?

Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:34

Thank you @LateAF too, you summed it up perfectly. DD and I have a great relationship and I try hard to be a good balance of caring and supportive but also having expectations that they will all become independent adults. Sometimes I don’t get that balance quite right!

Maybe as the youngest of 3 some of my expectations for her haven’t been in line with her as she grows up. My eldest is ND so my expectations of him are also perhaps different to others of his age so I am still learning.

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Rosehugger · 17/08/2022 10:36

DD and I have a great relationship and I try hard to be a good balance of caring and supportive but also having expectations that they will all become independent adults. Sometimes I don’t get that balance quite right!

That's is exactly. All through their lives it's a push me pull you arrangement of gradual independence which you notice more when they reach adolescence - we can't get it right all the time.

Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:36

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 10:33

Why only 2 friends (before they said she was too much)? Has she always struggled to make friends?

She’s lost a lot of friends over the years. Often she will befriend 2 girls who are already friends and then gets left out or a new friend will join and she’ll get pushed out. Think she’s better one on one, whereas bigger groups it can be hard for her to find her place.

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LateAF · 17/08/2022 10:37

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 09:49

I fell out with my uni friends because I was the people pleaser that tried to stick up for myself, and they didn’t like that.

i am always be interested in hearing the other side of the story when someone says they had friendship issues because essentially “too nice”!

I don’t think being a people pleaser is “nice” it’s just having no boundaries and being unable to say no. Think the dynamics between Amanda and Anne in motherland - I was the Anne. The friendship came to an end when they were demanding that I reject a job offer that allowed me to live rent free in my final year and meant I no longer had to work 3 jobs at uni to support myself, just because they didn’t want me to move out of the house we lived in at the end of the tenancy because they wanted to renew. When I said I was accepting the job offer they turned on me and were really abusive. A few years later one of them apologised to me for their behaviour that summer which was a nice vindication. I’m glad it happened because it kickstarted my journey towards assertiveness.

Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:40

KarenOLantern · 17/08/2022 10:30

And for anyone saying “what has she done to fall out with her friends?”, she only really had 2, and they sent her a text one evening saying they wanted to take a break from her as she’s “a lot”! Hopefully she will find her people but it seems that they are not them.

Oh bless her, she must be feeling crap about that. I hope she makes new friends come the new term, but if she doesn't tell her loads of us had no mates in Secondary school but found life gets loads better when you can go off to college or uni or whatever and start making your own life.

Yea that’s what I’m hoping. She’s a history buff and book worm so quite happy in her own company most of the time, so the holiday hasn’t been too out of the ordinary for her, but of course once back at school she will have to navigate lunchtimes and break times, so hopefully will find someone to hang out with. Once she’s studying what she loves I’m sure she’ll meet more similar people and find lasting friendships.

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Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 10:41

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:36

She’s lost a lot of friends over the years. Often she will befriend 2 girls who are already friends and then gets left out or a new friend will join and she’ll get pushed out. Think she’s better one on one, whereas bigger groups it can be hard for her to find her place.

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Op this may be hard to acknowledge but do you not see any possibly link to how she behaved with you re lunch and the fact she has no friends, has always struggled and the two she had said that she was “too much”?

Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:44

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 10:41

Op this may be hard to acknowledge but do you not see any possibly link to how she behaved with you re lunch and the fact she has no friends, has always struggled and the two she had said that she was “too much”?

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Well the way she behaved is not something I see on a regular basis so I’ve no idea how she is with friends - of course I ask her what she may have said or done but she seems genuinely bewildered by it.

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Foldingchair · 17/08/2022 10:45

I'm with your DD.😀I'll do anything else: clean up, clean the cooker, bathroom, toilet, climb on the roof etc, but I hate, hate, hate making food. I can do it, but my god it's dull. Dh is the cook and I have been known to get a little...irked...if he can't make tea and I have to do it. Wisely, the kids will choose boiled eggs in that case.

LateAF · 17/08/2022 10:45

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:34

Thank you @LateAF too, you summed it up perfectly. DD and I have a great relationship and I try hard to be a good balance of caring and supportive but also having expectations that they will all become independent adults. Sometimes I don’t get that balance quite right!

Maybe as the youngest of 3 some of my expectations for her haven’t been in line with her as she grows up. My eldest is ND so my expectations of him are also perhaps different to others of his age so I am still learning.

I’ve read all your posts and you sound like a great mum. No one gets it perfectly right but if the emotional bond between you is strong she’ll be ok despite life’s ups and downs. And she’s 15, she still has time to learn to cook- she had an emotional need yesterday and not only did she feel safe enough to go to you for that need, but you were able to meet her needs. That’s great parenting in my book.

And lots of teenagers don’t find their friendship groups until they are older and have more choice than the people they are forced to be in school with.

Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:47

she had an emotional need yesterday and not only did she feel safe enough to go to you for that need, but you were able to meet her needs. That’s great parenting in my book

ah thank you - that made me cry!

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Original poster

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:55

Foldingchair · 17/08/2022 10:45

I'm with your DD.😀I'll do anything else: clean up, clean the cooker, bathroom, toilet, climb on the roof etc, but I hate, hate, hate making food. I can do it, but my god it's dull. Dh is the cook and I have been known to get a little...irked...if he can't make tea and I have to do it. Wisely, the kids will choose boiled eggs in that case.

Exactly, we all have our strengths! I told her to make sure she finds a partner who can cook . She’s so good at all the other household things she’ll be fine.

She’ll probably be like her dad - he took no joy in food, just eats to live. He buys that Huel stuff so he can just have a shake and get on with his day. She’ll probably live on porridge and carrot sticks.

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Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 11:16

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 10:44

Well the way she behaved is not something I see on a regular basis so I’ve no idea how she is with friends - of course I ask her what she may have said or done but she seems genuinely bewildered by it.

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Op

i would be probing this

she has been told by her only two friends that she is “too much” and she has struggled to keep friends all her life. She now has no friends.

Whilst her behaviour yesterday to you may wash, to peers - it wouldn’t