To expect DD15 to feed herself?

[SteveHarringtonsChestHair]

Went on a lunch date today. DCs are all older teens. DD (15) is outraged that I didn’t sort out something for her to eat when I got home at 2.30pm

I told her there is bread for toast, wraps, crumpets, leftover chicken in the fridge, noodles/pasta etc and that she can make herself something. She thinks it is selfish of me to feed myself and not her.

WIBU?

YABU she needs lunch and you are mean not to provide her with this before you left or after you came home

YANBU she is 15 with no additional needs, perfectly capable of fending for herself and needs to grow the F up.

I thank you.

My teen feels unloved if I don't put food on a plate. Doesn't matter what the meal is, it can be tasteless muck, but if I've not bothered, they just feel unloved.

Then I read your post about the school friends. That resonated. My teen finds it hard with people the same age. We work on the theory that you will meets countless people in a lifetime, have lots of acquaintances, but only a couple of true friends. Totally lowers the expectation level and makes life easier.

But, how about for the last couple of weeks of the holiday, you encourage your daughter to volunteer with a charity? Unsure of age restrictions, but mine did this. All volunteers are welcomed and wanted, her confidence will be boosted, and she'll be in a better place to start the school year. (I really wanted mine to do the Duke of Edinburgh scheme, but volunteering was the compromise, and it's been amazing)

I've just seen this post, and seeing g how it developed your dd reminds me of mine who at 13 has similar friendship issues and perhaps similar interests (tutor history anyone?)

On the food front I tried one of the Gusto boxes a couple of weeks ago (when people were sharing codes) and handed it to her to make dinner... she's managed 3 out of the 4 so far and despite being scared of the oil in the frying pan has done really well. Maybe try something like that? Mine have also done Baked In boxes which is a desert/cake or bread kit. My DD is a decent cook (and regularly makes lunch for us all) but definitely lacks confidence in the kitchen and these things along with regularly cooking has helped.

(I can happily share links for either box if it helps!)

My teen feels unloved if I don't put food on a plate. Doesn't matter what the meal is, it can be tasteless muck, but if I've not bothered, they just feel unloved.

how do they express this? “Mum you haven’t served me and I feel unloved”?

Your post veers far more towards the "ridiculous", tbh. The sort of behaviour you describe is not mainstream at all, I accept it's your personal experience; but it's incredibly unusual.

You have clearly tried to befriend some very strange people.
If it's happened to you a lot, you probably need to wonder why rather than assuming your experiences are universal.

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair your daughter and yourself sound lovely, she certainly has a way with words! Loving the 'secondhand spaghetti'. I too show love by service and many posters on here would be horrified by the things I still do for my sons probably affected by the emotionally neglected childhood I had myself and the tasks expected from me as a child (cooking from 7, by 13 I would go to laundrette, do the shopping and be able to do full roast for everyone).
I've enjoyed reading this thread, including the poster who's teen declared there were no meals in the fridge just ingredients😂 taken me back to the linguistic abilities of bright children that can tie you in knots.
I have three boys, all in their 30s now but two of them were/are a little bit different (one used to buy clothes from charity shops, think old men's suits and tophat and would wear them out). They did have some difficulties with friends as they didn't always conform to the teenage 'norms' but all found 'their tribe' eventually and I'm sure with your obvious loving relationship that all will be well in the end💐 oh and for your daughter🍔🍟instead of secondhand🍝😋

Ah Moss that certainly rings some bells - I’m hoping she finds herself a top hat wearing buddy in future - she’s always saying hats need to make a come back!

I tried Hello Fresh for this reason but the sad truth is it’s easier to do it myself than answer 100 questions tbh!

DD just made me a crumpet for lunch. After I showed her which knob was the grill, how high she needed the heat, how long to toast them for, how you know when it’s done, yes you do need to toast both sides, no I don’t mind mine being a bit brown etc!! I know it’s a short sighted approach but I think is why I usually just do it. I can get snappy and frustrated which doesn’t help at all, and makes her more flustered.

I am resting on my bed with my napping 2-year-old. My 11 year old DD has made her own lunch, and my 11 year old DS has made his lunch and a lunch for his 7 year old brother.

My point being that I am in the house, but my 11 and 7 year old kids can sort their own lunch from the selection of lunch stuff in the fridge!

DD just made me a crumpet for lunch. After I showed her which knob was the grill, how high she needed the heat, how long to toast them for, how you know when it’s done, yes you do need to toast both sides, no I don’t mind mine being a bit brown etc!! I know it’s a short sighted approach but I think is why I usually just do it. I can get snappy and frustrated which doesn’t help at all, and makes her more flustered.
15... 🤔

@HappyAsASandboy that is brilliant and I am sure most kids that age can if they need to. some parents want to still do these things though as it is how they show they care.

I will forever be grateful to the sweet gesture of my mum that would sometimes prepare me a light snack or drink while as I was revising for my exam. or getting up in the morning to make me my breakfast and bento box for lunch. could I do these things on my own? of course but it was her way of saying she loved me without saying she loved me. to this day if I visit her she is like this.

my grandmother was the same. if I stayed over she would actually still make the sofa bed for me and tuck me in. I used to try fight her and do it myself telling her to rest but she explained she wanted to do these things for me because she loves me and she knows I can do all these things but it gives her joy etc

I know this is not the case for everyone but some people are genuinely like that. I know if I have kids it would be what I would be like.

The sort of behaviour you describe is not mainstream at all, I accept it's your personal experience; but it's incredibly unusual.

@Johnnysgirl Bullies exist everywhere in all walks of life - if you think it’s incredibly unusual you must have been very sheltered or perhaps you are one. It only takes one bully in a group for the whole group to turn against a group member (as the more passive types tend to be glad the bully at least isn’t picking on them). While this type of behaviour thankfully isn’t the norm, it isn’t unusual in the slightest.

if you think it’s incredibly unusual you must have been very sheltered or perhaps you are one
No, neither of those things. Really.

YANBU my then 15 yr old moaned at me because I wasn’t in from work when she got home from school, she finished at 3pm, I finished at 5.30pm, she also moaned she had to fetch her 11 yr brother from school, now bearing in mind my parents live only a street away from me & she walks past their house to fetch her brother she was more than welcome to go there as my parents offered, but nope she would kick off when I got home saying how starving she was, no food in the house (there was food, she was just lazy) & she was like a slave having to collect her brother from school.

I had a key to my house at the age of 11, similar circumstances but I didn’t have to fetch my siblings as they went a childminders, I actually loved the time to myself, watching tv, eating junk food before everyone got in.

Since we have been on school holidays by DD9 and DD13 have made their own lunches every day. They tend to be hungry before me - now they’re older I’m lying in later so eating breakfast later and they tend to either eat breakfast early or forget and suddenly need lunch at midday!! I usually make the evening hot meal. They usually only make a sandwich/wrap/toastie with crisps etc

I’m sure your 15 years old could have made herself a lunch.

YANBU If my 2 SEN children 9 and 10 years old can make their lunch with food provided and guidance a 15 year old is more than capable. I lost my mum when I just turned 14 and was making food for myself and my dad when I was 13 whilst my mum was ill and continued after she passed away because my dad couldn't cope and basically took on running the house etc, it's no hardship for her to throw a sandwich together.

Not unreasonable. But if she's used to having meals put on the table (and being told off for nicking snacks out of the fridge?) perhaps a 'make yourself some lunch' reminder might have been in order.

Tell her to get over herself, entitled madam!

My son is 16, has additional needs, and is more than capable of feeding himself. In fact, he’s cooking himself dinner at the moment because he didn’t like what my 17 year old daughter offered to cook for everyone tonight!

Thoroughly enjoyed being spoiled by my kids tonight so sorry if I’m a bit smug!!!

We have a 15 year old like this but it is more about not having stuff she likes for tea.

Ds is also 15.. in our house breakfast and lunch are help yourself, although if either of us are making something involving the oven / hob we will offer the other person. He’s also going to be doing one dinner per week from this term. I do check with him if I’m doing an online shop if there’s anything he wants me to add (he often asks for things like sausage rolls or scotch eggs) but if he didn’t like what was in the house he’d just walk to the shop.

My DD announced she was becoming vegan when she was barely 14. I said fine but learn to cook. She did and has made the majority of her own meals since then ( I sometimes take pity if she’s had a busy day) But hopefully she’s now set up to survive at Uni.
Dishwasher and pan cleaning duty still a work in progress though 🙄🙄🙄

Maybe suggest if she is so incapable at 15 of putting together a chicken wrap for herself….that any soon to happen discussion about her going out at night with friends is absolutely off the table till she can manage the rudiments of feeding herself. Tell her she is a very young 15 so you will treat her like a 12 year old for now.

If you really want to boil her puss tell her that your just making sure she’s prepared for finding a husband 😂

Not unreasonable at all. She’s not far off being an adult!

I once nannied for a family with a 17 year old and my roles included cooking all meals for them, tidying their room, washing etc. last I heard they were off to uni…would love to see how that turned out!

YANBU. My 15 yo daughter cooks herself something. 14 yo son can’t even be bothered to make himself a sandwich so complains he’s not eaten 🙄

I don't subscribe to that view either and probably do a bit too much for DD (12). However, the entitlement that she "shouldn't have to" is not on (I'd be really pissed off with that attitude) and from time to time a teen of that age should just get on with making their lunch without complaint.