To ask my kids to watch my toddler in the garden coke 10 minutes

[sadandlonely2022]

So I asked me 15 and 16 year old daughters to watch my 3 year old in the back garden whilst I sort lunch and the 15 what old trashed the living room because she said 'why me' and started whining at the fact I asked her to do something, i took the iPad away and she kicked off trashing the living room. Then I asked my 16 year old she pulls her face and said she's 'getting dressed even though she was already decently dressed ' half an hour later o just go tell her to forget it coz she's obv won't help, she went mad because apparently she's 'getting dressed'
All I asked for was 10 minutes help
My older kids never get dressed to go out and that means me and my toddler and 6 year old son are stuck in all day coz my 10 years old can't be arsed either. I'm sick of it I can't just walk pit and leave the 10 year old alone at home to go out.

They said 'it's my child' so why should they help, whilst I have to clean wash clothes and make meal all day like a slave and get nothing back

Feel like walking away my life is awful and pointless and I am actually start to regret having kids

Good god is that how you treat your children? Some of the awful awful things people write they’d do to kids is so disturbing. Utterly disgusting. Won’t look after my other kids, then I won’t cook or even buy you food.

its so abusive. These are still children,

Kids of any age shouldn't be EXPECTED to help out with the younger ones!

Could you be more judgemental @Bananarama21 ? Just because the OP has 5 children and their father has left - you make the assumption that each child has a different father ? Just where did that come from? OP is clear in saying 'their dad'.

Did you read my post? I do pretty much everything for my kids, they have no regular chores at all, not even emptying the dishwasher etc. But if I ask them to do something small to help out and they make a fuss then I have a few options. 1) sigh, and just do it myself, 2) get into an argument about it, or 3) point out how much I do for them every single day without making any fuss about it.

The point being that I DON'T as standard expect them to shop, cook, clean etc. But in return for that, I expect them to be helpful and generally pleasant to me as I am to them.

Also, 16 is old enough to get a JOB at tesco, never mind popping in to pick up some food!

@SoSoSusan you are aware that if the OP were to hit her children and they reported this to their school, this would mean both a social services referral and police action ? That's really going to help . Not to mention the fact that she is showing her impressionable youngsters that conflict is dealt with by fighting not negotiation . I don't know at what point in their lives the children's father left then but this will have an impact on them, especially if he has remarried . OP needs to find a way to communicate with her older children whereby all parties actually listen to each other .

Change the Wi-Fi password. They only get it when they behave respectfully. When they're brats again - change it again.

Maybe have an overhaul of communications OP.

Do you all eat together?
How about suggesting a family chat time after a meal say one day a week where things can be discussed between all of you, because you can all see things aren't working as well as they could be to make ALL of your lives happier.

Suggest a topic a few days beforehand and use a few prompts so everyone gets a chance to think of something to say, and if necessary lay down ground rules. NO phones or tech at the table for this, just family members and their voices. Have an object that the person who is speaking can hold, that signifies they can speak without interruption and be heard. Then the next person gets their turn.
Discussion happens after everyone has had chance to say their piece.

A few suggestions for the initial first family discussions could be something like

What does the word family mean to you?

What is my role in this family?

Am I treated fairly in this family and do I treat everyone else fairly?

What would make a really great family day out?

At first it will seem like an alien concept to all of you, everyone sitting together and talking and exchanging ideas about being a family, but anything that can even for a few minutes get them all individually to stop thinking about "me" and even fleetingly thinking about "us" has to be a good thing.

@ohisay and @Whiskeypowers have both provided useful responses .

@sadandlonely2022 - have a read of the responses from the posters above . There is a lot of bad advice on this thread .

I would still confiscate the phones. While they are in your house they follow your rules. I would stop doing stuff for them. If they don't mind the 2 year old so you can make lunch then let them make there own lunch. If they throw their shit on the floor don't pick it up. Let them live in shit. If they don't put their washing away then don't wash the clothes. I'd have no devices either. As I said people who behave badly don't get nice things.

I had to re-read your post @FallOutPloy, as you were very reasonable and did not deserve that venom from @Dirtylittleroses ! I'm still lost...

I didn't cause the end of the relationship, their dad mentally physical abused me, cheated them left us for his new woman, so no I didn't think I did anything to deserve that.
We split up 3.5 years ago.

Is this a new behaviour or do you think it started when their dad left?

Do they treat their dad like this?

They sound very difficult but don’t forget what impact an abusive relationship has on a child.
They are probably still dealing with the effects of this.

My mum was in an abusive relationship and I hated and resented her for it, much more than my dad who was the one being violent.

I think it all stems from the fact they are punishing me because if they ask me to buy them something they want and I can't at that moment and I ask them to wait ( at the moment I have to get school uniform items weekly) go be able to have it all be September they go in a strop and have an attitude with me until I buy said item! They will stay on their room all day and sulk

It's like I'm being punished for the lack of money I have

Their dad very pays me anything and hasn't offered to contribute to uniforms
He works tho

*Very rarely pays me anything

Dad has them every other Saturday, sometimes Sunday. He doesn't have them overnight as there is no space at theirs and her kids have their own rooms and I don't think the wife wants beds put in her kids rooms long term for my kids

Get CMS onto their dad. You'd be a lot better off if he paid what's due. Then you'd be less stressed.

Their behaviour is awful especially the 16 and 15 yo but it sounds like they've been through a lot - witnessing domestic abuse, then being betrayed and left by their father who can't be arsed with them. They're probably feeling very insecure and angry, and that is falling on you because you're there and you're safe. It's shit but they are damaged.

You don't have to stay in all day because the 10yo doesn't want to get dressed. You take her phone and electronics away and you tell her she gets them back after she gets bloody dressed and participates in family life for a while. You are the parent, she's 10, she doesn't get to hold you to ransom.

The older two? They're in that tricky stage between child and adult. I'd avoid confrontation as much as possible, don't try and force them to spend time with you and don't ask them to do your childcare for you. But you are entitled to respect and reasonable behaviour in your own home. So lay your ground rules re behaviour, respect to property etc and if they deviate from them use whatever power you do have - suspend any pocket money, lifts, WiFi, TV services, they make their own food and wash their own clothes. If they don't like it, they can lump it. It's not like they're behaving in any way acceptably now so what can they do that's worse?

If they go running telling tales to their dad let them. Let him show them what a really shit parent looks like when the chips are down and they want his help.

I'd definitely focus on the younger three though as they are also vulnerable having grown up in one toxic household and now another. They'll need a LOT of love and care to come out ok.

They will stay on their room all day and sulk

So what?

Their behaviour is awful especially the 16 and 15 yo but it sounds like they've been through a lot - witnessing domestic abuse, then being betrayed and left by their father who can't be arsed with them. They're probably feeling very insecure and angry, and that is falling on you because you're there and you're safe. It's shit but they are damaged.

Yes, this is true.

Are they having any kind of counselling?

All they do all day is fight, I spend my day breaking up fights. They throw things at each other so the house never stays tidy, they won't put their own cloths away. Me and my 16 gets old daughters relationship is already very strained ( dad alienated her against me and used her as an informant)

Tomorrow, I think you should get them all to the point where they are dressed by 9am, make everyone go outside and then you lock up as you leave. Take yourself a bag for the 3yo stuff and their buggy if they use one.

Tell the 15yo and the 16yo that they can meet you back at the front door at 5pm.

If they can't behave in a manner that respects the house then they get less time in it. Take yourself and the 3 younger ones out to the park, on the bus, library, whatever there is. Tell the 10yo that if they whinge, the exact same thing will happen again on Thursday. And every day if needs be.

If the 15 and 16yo aren't then prepared tomorrow evening to discuss the family set up and get some stuff agreed with you, then they can go out every day at 9am and return at 5pm until such a time they can behave at home.

If they don't supervise the 3yo then the grown up can't prep a meal. So they have a choice. Make their own food or mind the 3yp for 10mins.

If they go off in a sulk then let them.

If they ask for something that you can’t afford then tell them you can’t afford it and they can ask their dad for it instead.

Do all 4 kids go to their dads on a Saturday?

I guess they should be be EXPECTED to, but it's not unreasonable to say to an older one - please keep an eye on your sibling for 10 minutes while I do x,y,z.

There are clearly other issues going on with those teens, but I can't believe people never ask an older child to play / occupy a younger one for a few minutes. It's not all day childcare, it's 10 minutes of keeping them out of trouble.

If my older dd had a strop when I asked her to keep her younger sister occupied for 10 mins while I cooked dinner or lunch, or went for a wee, or put the laundry out, I would be suggesting the alternative that she did the meal or laundry. Sometimes it's as simple as sitting with her watching a Disney movie rather than being in her room for a little while so I can do housework, or sort washing out. It's for everyone's benefit / well being that those things get done. While I would never expect or ask for extended childcare (unless dd specifically offered to do something her her sister), a 10 minute keep her busy request is not unreasonable.

It's family pulling together for the benefit of a household - so that a meal can be made for everyone to eat or everyone have clean clothes rather than a demand for "childcare".

but it's not unreasonable to say to an older one - please keep an eye on your sibling for 10 minutes while I do x,y,z.

Especially if it only involves sitting in the garden making sure that they don't hurt themselves/escape!

And the result is that everyone gets lunch made for them!

I think you need to start by sitting down with the eldest two and having a very full and frank conversation.

It sounds as though you have all been through a lot, but please remember that the teenagers are still children and are potentially quite damaged by the last ten years of their lives.

I am also going to against the grain and say that older children are not responsible for the care of younger siblings. You are, however, as a parent, required to feed and shelter your children and yes, it's not their fault that you currently have more children than hands.

Family counselling may be in order.

Don't be ridiculous. It's not abusive to make older children (teenagers)prepare their own meals or iron their own clothes if they refuse to lift a finger to help you around the house.

How insulting and insensitive to children who really have been abused.

Exactly.
I can't believe some of the responses on here. Clearly the OPS daughters are not the only people who were allowed to behave like spoilt brats.
At least the OP realises this is not OK and is seeking advice.

If they don't supervise the 3yo then the grown up can't prep a meal. So
they have a choice. Make their own food or mind the 3yp for 10mins

Of course the grown up can prep a meal whilst supervising a 3yo-plenty do!

It's no so much about that though as making a meal for 6 & seemingly no one chipping in & Op possibly having to break up fights between others!

If they are on holiday why shouldn't they be helping out & making things a bit easier for Op?