To ask my kids to watch my toddler in the garden coke 10 minutes

[sadandlonely2022]

So I asked me 15 and 16 year old daughters to watch my 3 year old in the back garden whilst I sort lunch and the 15 what old trashed the living room because she said 'why me' and started whining at the fact I asked her to do something, i took the iPad away and she kicked off trashing the living room. Then I asked my 16 year old she pulls her face and said she's 'getting dressed even though she was already decently dressed ' half an hour later o just go tell her to forget it coz she's obv won't help, she went mad because apparently she's 'getting dressed'
All I asked for was 10 minutes help
My older kids never get dressed to go out and that means me and my toddler and 6 year old son are stuck in all day coz my 10 years old can't be arsed either. I'm sick of it I can't just walk pit and leave the 10 year old alone at home to go out.

They said 'it's my child' so why should they help, whilst I have to clean wash clothes and make meal all day like a slave and get nothing back

Feel like walking away my life is awful and pointless and I am actually start to regret having kids

This sounds very stressful. It seems to me from the outside that they are in need of some consistent consequences. Make a list of five things you would like them to help with (including watching sib 1/2 hour a day so you can have a little break) and if they don't comply then there will be consequences. Hit 'em where it hurts - phone or ipad or time out with friends.

She wasn't asking for "childcare"!

childcare
/ˈtʃʌɪl(d)kɛː/

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noun
1 the care of children, especially by a crèche, nursery, or childminder while parents are working.

@Arbesque Did you mean to direct that response to me? It doesn't have any relevance to anything I've said.

Absolutely agree with this. It can't possibly have been the first time they were asked, so not a simple case of 10 minutes.

I don't think they are obligated to watch the toddler- presumably they have helped watch the other younger siblings over the years too, which is why they are reluctant now. FWIW, my eldest watched and babysat his younger siblings many times to help the family, but it was requested and he happily obliged.

Obviously you need to parent your kids so that trashing the house is not an option that’s available to them, but no kids owe their parents anything, not gratitude for providing housing and food and other bare minimum things, nor do they owe you childcare.

whilst I have to clean wash clothes and make meal all day like a slave and get nothing back. You chose to have a large number of children, parenting is drudgery. You are surely teaching your kids to function by doing chores and cooking?

Honestly I think it's too late for consequences etc - they don't respect you so that isn't likely to magically change their behaviour around, it will just make them combative. That approach can work but I think you need to start it when they are younger.

I'd probably go back to basics with the younger ones - daily routine and consistency just because that's an easy win and will help with a sense of calm in the house in general. Up to age 6, get up at a decent time, everyone dressed, breakfast and go and do something. The 10yo will be fine staying at home for a short time - the teenagers are there in case of emergency. I wouldn't leave them all day but for a short time no problem. They'd get bored being dragged around toddler activities anyway.

For the eldest two just back off a bit and only ask for the basics from them/offer the basics to them - whether or not in your house that usually includes laundry and meals, but no favours, no money other than regular pocket money, no lifts unless longstanding arrangement, etc. Pick battles with 10yo as well. This is about establishing a new routine, not starting a boot camp that you won't be able to keep up long term.

I can ask my 13yo to help with my 3yo and baby - but only when I've kind of primed him to do that. If he was under the impression it was school holidays and he was free to do whatever he wanted and then suddenly I ask him to do favours he will kick off because it seems unfair. That's their teenage lack of perspective, but it's also kind of right in a way - younger siblings are not a teenager's responsibility. So I approached him at the start of the holidays and said look - you have unlimited internet now, (we used to "pay" him in internet time to take the 3yo out) I'm on my own, (in the day) I'm going to need help occasionally. I don't ask often but I do ask him to occupy them sometimes.

So once you are in the swing of a calmer house, approach the 15/16yo, adult to adult style, and problem solve. Include the 10yo in the discussion if you want to. Forget childcare for now - have no assumption of childcare from any of the older ones. But talk about keeping the house running aka household jobs, that's a good place to start - all the kids from 6yo+ can have some kind of job that they do to help out in the house. Get them to come up with a list, or present them with a list that they choose from, or just ask everyone for one job they hate and will be guaranteed never to do and one they don't mind doing. Or just talk about expectations and what they want vs what you want. Just take it out of the moment as in the moment is much too emotionally charged.

Everything @hedgehoglurker & @Jimmyneutronsforehead said

I can't believe people are saying it is unreasonable to ask 15 and 16 yo to look after their sibling for 10 mins, it's hardly childcare. I have 16 and 14 yo boys and they take turns in looking after the dogs (I know its different as not a child) when it's too long to leave them alone. We're a family so we muck in. I just can't imagine them minding at all for watching a sibling for 10 mins, they will happily look after my nephew if need be.

I agree with pps re the 10 yo, it shouldn't be up for discussion about getting dressed.

This ⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆

Families pull together.

You aren't expecting them to do all of your childcare, or all of the housework - you're asking them for a bit of help to occasionally babysit their sibling while you either do other housework tasks or have a rest (and with five children and no partner, you must need it!)

You are not being unreasonable to expect help at all. I wish I could think of a way to hold them to account for their behaviour but as you are on your own with no adult support whatever you try will be difficult, I'm afraid.

Do they get pocket money? Make it contingent on them helping out - and they get paid in retrospect, not in advance. They take responsibility for their own tidying up etc - and I would say for their own meals but it is likely to get expensive if they eat a pound of bacon on their own that you were intending for a family meal, sort of thing.

And as others have suggested, drag the 10 year old out (in PJs if necessary) or leave them with the older ones, Nobody was put on this earth to be a doormat, but that's how they're treating you.

I'm sure that a lot of this is acting out because they miss their father- perhaps they're testing how much you love them - will you abandon them too if they push hard enough etc, but this will make you so ill and depressed if it continues. They should be taking some responsibility in the home, and I suspect that inside they're aching for you to show that you CAN make them behave. Kids need boundaries, and it can make them afraid and anxious and aggressive if they don't get them.

Is there any family member who could support you and back you up, or look after them all while you have break - I can't image how exhausted and just dog-weary you must be.

I was expected to "watch the toddler for a few minutes" aged under 10, it's not a big or unreasonable ask. You could perfectly reasonably ask them to take a turn making lunch themselves. You've kindly offered to do that and give them the lighter task of keeping an eye on baby.

Serious talk about expectations. You could decide between you whether allocated chores or just "if mum asks for help jump to it" - they're likely to do less the latter way but expect them to do it cheerfully.

15 clears up mess. WiFi/phone contracts/Netflix password etc contingent on cooperation in future.

This. My mum used to say this all the time and it’s such a horrible mindset - I can guarantee the OP’s kids know she feels that way. Trashing rooms is clearly totally unacceptable but I’m willing to bet they’ve done a load of “just looking after brother for ten minutes” in their time.

16 year old is an adult. If she can't help around the house she can leave

Thanks for everyone's input

The fact is the 15 and 16 year and also the 10 year old ( all girls btw) don't want to do ANYTHING. No chores, nothing. They want to sit on their phones all day and not be asked to do anything. My son and toddler daughter miss out then because they don't want to get dressed to go out! My 16 year old daughter
really annoys me she sits in her room all day and only comes out to collect her meals. When I ask her to help round the house she says 'wait' and 'wait' and doesn't actually do anything
There's no point shutting off the Wi-Fi because their dad pays for a phone for the eldest child so she has unlimited data. Can't take her phone away because she Says she's an adult now and I can't 'punish her'

All they do all day is fight, I spend my day breaking up fights. They throw things at each other so the house never stays tidy, they won't put their own cloths away. Me and my 16 gets old daughters relationship is already very strained ( dad alienated her against me and used her as an informant)

The 3 year old wanted to play in the garden and this house is a corner house and I don't have full view from the Kitchen window to watch her and I didn't think it was too much to ask for her to watch sister for 10 minutes and no I don't ask them all the time.

I didn't cause the end of the relationship, their dad mentally physical abused me, cheated them left us for his new woman, so no I didn't think I did anything to deserve that.
We split up 3.5 years ago.

I know I have to take responsibilities for my own choices and things but if they didn't fight all day long, helped with a few chores and actually went to bed when they are told i wouldn't feel so overwhelmed

I didn't resent my children, I resent the fact I've had them to be then left as a single parent. No the children are not to blame for that and shouldn't suffer any affects for to that but I feel like the years of my life is passing by and im spending it extremely stressed out alone

How often do they have to mind the younger ones? And for how long?

I never ceased to be astonished y the way some children behave these days. If I had behaved like that I would have been belted to kingdom come and back again. So would my children. They knew what would happen so therefore did not behave in that manner.
I will be flamed for this statement but I stand by it

Do you have a formal childcare split / arrangement with your ex? I take it this situation is probably exacerbated in the school holidays when all the kids are off school. Do you have any options for some out of term time childcare? Perhaps a fun holiday club for the 10 year old or a more basic holiday club do the little ones?

The teenagers are probably really struggling with all of the upheaval, particularly as the reason for you separation with your ex is for quite traumatic reasons. Have you spent time with them reflecting on this and listening to their feelings? I know it will be really hard with 5 kids but teenagers are a funny breed and we often expect them to be able to articulate their feelings really well when it actual fact this can be just as difficult for them as for a much as a younger child.

You are not wrong to feel overwhelmed by this, you have 5 kids with a very large age range. Do you live near any family who may be able to help out? Even just someone to just sit in the garden and watch the little ones play with a cup of tea whilst you sort out some chores. Or a friend with similar age kids you could have a play date with?

If your daughter claims she is an adult then make sure she is taking on more adult responsibilies.
She should get a partime job and do all her own laundry/ cookubg etc.
She is an adult, then let her behave like one.

The justifications for being lazy are shameful.

It sounds really tough, OP, I'm sorry.

I think the best thing to do is just stop "helping" them. 15 and 16 year olds are old enough to feed themselves and wash their own clothes and they definitely don't need to join you on toddler trips out (nor does the ten year old). Honestly, stop expecting gratitude and just stop doing it. If their rooms are a tip or their clothes are ruined, that's their problem. No lifts, no laundry, no money unless they earn it, ingredients available but no cooking.

Don't give them the passive aggressive or silent treatment like some posters have suggested. They're the adolescents, not you and that's just poisonous. Just let them know things can't continue the way they are and from now on if they want to do things their way, it's all their way.

How many kids do you have altogether and what ages are they? (Sorry am confused)

Also what access does their dad have?

l don't think that watching the toddler for 10 mins will negatively impair the teenagers lives. Single parent families have to work as a team, they will go under otherwise, you cannot have the luxury of each man for his own attitude. If my eldest son hadn't have looked after my younger son sometimes when they were younger l would have lost my job and had to go on benefits simple as that, not all single parents have an army of help, even worse when widowed like myself.
Teenagers need to be taught all hands on deck attitude, rather than selfishly stand back and watch the parent struggle, because otherwise they will take those same selfish traits and attitudes into their own partnerships.
I feel for you OP and my advice would be don't take advice from the smug ones.on here who have never walked in your shoes. Raising teenagers on your own is bloody hard work, esp when you are physically and mentally exhausted as well as outnumbered.
There's another thread running on here about why women take so much shit off men, and l think the harsh reality is right here. You leave one set of challenging obstacles only to face another. Teenagers can be manipulative and pick up on any weaknesses, you need the strength of a lion and nerves of steel, twenty four seven, whilst feeling judged by the ever present audience just waiting on the sidelines for you to trip up. Two parent families don't have that same pressure, or any idea really as to dynamics of a single parent family.

Look after you own small child.

Stop letting them otherwise treat you like a mug. You'll have loads of spare time to mind the toddler then.

But, of course, ordinarily that would NBAU request.

Stop doing her chores. That’s it. Young adults need to do fair share.

I have 4 kids age 17 (moved out) 14 7 & 4 I’m also a single parent and I understand it can be hard my 17 year old would never ever consider helping if he was here he hated the fact I had the younger two and subsequently moved to his dads but my 14 year old is so kind and helpful she’ll watch the 4 year old who has adhd so can’t be trusted alone while I shower cook take a call without any questions, I do everything for all of them in terms of they have no chores wouldn’t expect 14yo to make her own meals etc I clean do washing tidy rooms all the normal parent things and that 10 mins shower in the morning and 20 mins cooking at night where she will sit with the youngest is her contribution to the house it helps it run smoothly and if she didn’t wanna do it that would also be ok but she’s happy to help and I’m so grateful for her help, she didn’t ask for me to have another two kids and I wouldn’t expect her ever to be the parent because I don’t have a partner. For us routine is key and maybe this is something you need to establish but the way your older two are behaving is pathetic and needs some serious consequences. If they are that unhappy tell them they can go and stay with dad where there’s no wee ones. But you majorly need to take control here and nip this in the bud.

They might have a point that it's not their job to look after the little ones. But I bet you're doing a lot of "their" chores for them?

So rather than asking them to watch the little one, I would stop everything I do to for them. They can wash their own clothes, cook their own food, clear up after themselves. 16yo could really go to tesco and buy her own food!

My kids don't have official chores, and I definitely do too much for them. But I do expect them to help me with any random thing if I really need it. And I'm very quick to go proper cold turkey with everything I do for them if they're being arseholes about it. Being kind and helpful is a two way street.

10 minutes "keeping an eye" on the 3yo while Mum makes lunch is hardly child care. Presumably lunch was for everyone including those who refused to help so they'd have been going hungry if they were mine!