To ask my kids to watch my toddler in the garden coke 10 minutes

[sadandlonely2022]

So I asked me 15 and 16 year old daughters to watch my 3 year old in the back garden whilst I sort lunch and the 15 what old trashed the living room because she said 'why me' and started whining at the fact I asked her to do something, i took the iPad away and she kicked off trashing the living room. Then I asked my 16 year old she pulls her face and said she's 'getting dressed even though she was already decently dressed ' half an hour later o just go tell her to forget it coz she's obv won't help, she went mad because apparently she's 'getting dressed'
All I asked for was 10 minutes help
My older kids never get dressed to go out and that means me and my toddler and 6 year old son are stuck in all day coz my 10 years old can't be arsed either. I'm sick of it I can't just walk pit and leave the 10 year old alone at home to go out.

They said 'it's my child' so why should they help, whilst I have to clean wash clothes and make meal all day like a slave and get nothing back

Feel like walking away my life is awful and pointless and I am actually start to regret having kids

@Revolvingwhore what a revolting thing to say

This.

The teenagers have no obligation to help out, but they have no right to expect that their laundry and food preparation is done either, or that they are bought phones and iPads.

At that age they should definitely be contributing to the running of the household. OP needs to impose routine, chores and discipline. Draw up lists of jobs and responsibilities, share them out fairly and draw up a list of rewards and penalties. Unfortunately this takes a massive amount of stress and trouble, it's very, very hard and there will be tears and tantrums and 'I hate you's along the way.

But it's the only way to change things, it's the easy way out to give in to teens and not argue, but it's far harder work in the long run.

She asked them to watch her youngest for a few minutes in the garden while she prepared lunch. Not agree to open a creche and mind her child from 9 to 5 every day.

That doesn't alter the obligation.

Housework and the like relates to them, childcare doesn't.

Unlikely as they will just leave as soon as they can. And not look back

That's fine. They can. Maybe everyone will get on better if they stayed with their dad/got their own place when old enough

Not accurate then?

So you only help people out if there's something in it for you? What a lovely lesson to be teaching young people.

Fuck this 'not their responsibility' they need to contribute to their family and home! What are the consequences for their behaviour?

Your older children and bratty and entitled, but your making lunch for them (etc) enables this behaviour, amongst other things. If you don't implement punishments, however they look for different aged children, their behaviour won't change.

Nip this in the bud now, before you're dealing with much bigger problems.

@Revolvingwhore MN obviously agreed.

So you only help people out if there's something in it for you? What a lovely lesson to be teaching young people.

At 15, yes I did despite living independently.

Teenagers are a different breed.

It is absolutely not unreasonable to ask a 15 and 16 year old to watch their toddler sibling for 10 minutes. Even to ask the 10 year old to be honest. Whilst you make THEIR lunch.
Not like you're asking them to watch her while you float off out all day.

you seem a bit overwhelmed and I teens are so damn hard! But trashing your lounge is ridiculous. I think the best thing you can do is start putting little things in place and build it up gradually, as suddenly laying the law down probably won't work here.
They all live there and they should all be helping out in some capacity.

Would a rota work? Rota the older ones on, especially during school holidays to make lunch, hang out washing, change beds etc. Easier said than done but something has to change, I feel for you.

And consequences. Don't make them lunch for starters if they kick off like that. Shut off the WIFI. They can scream and shout and thorw things all they like, but don't give in, and each time they scream and shout extend the amount of time its off. Stop paying for their mobile phone contracts, that usually makes teens listen. Things that they will really not like to happen.
Stick to your guns.
Small steps.

I feel like we might not be getting the full picture here.

I agree that kids shouldn't be responsible for looking after their siblings.

I also agree that 10 mins isn't a lot to ask and families should help each other out.

How often do you ask this of your older kids though? Because if it's frequent and it interferes with their plans often, I can see where the resentment would come from.

I would feel taken advantage of if someone asked it of me on a regular basis, when I had no responsibility to them.

As for consequences, make them clean the mess up, and make them pay for the damage. They're kids, but they're old enough to understand things cost money and there isn't an endless money tree.

Well perhaps their mother should take the same approach. She is obliged to feed and clothe them, put a roof over their head and ensure they are in full time education until they are 16.

She is not obliged to buy them phones and ipads, buy them fashionable clothes, allow them watch television, or physically make their meals.

I’m sorry you are getting people calling your kids ‘nasty’ and ‘brats’. That’s entirely unnecessary. You just want some help but instead are getting people thinking they are parents of the year lecturing you on how to handle difficult teenagers (expect most of them don’t even have teens). Also as a single parent you are dealing with this alone and have not got anyone else there to back u up or take over. Sometimes as a single parent we find it easier, mentally and emotionally, just not to react and to give in. It’s a huge load to bear alone.

my now 20 yr old was a nightmare as a teen. I couldn’t even ask him to put his shoes away without him screaming at me. I tried being nice, I tried being angry, I paid for therapy, I punished etc etc. i did everything everyone told me to do, but he was still being a complete pita every single time I ‘dared’ to ask him to do the smallest thing.

he’s now 20 and is much more chilled. He is a naturally selfish person and definitely has an issue with lack of empathy for others. But he’s grown out of all the teenager temper tantrums now and is a good hard working responsible young man

i never had the same issue with my 17 yr old son. Have always been able to ask him for help around the house without him arguing about it at all. He is the opposite personality to my older son; super empathetic and kind.

the things that worked for me for my older son, over time:

1. refusing to give money
2. refusing to drive him places ie he had to walk
3. agreeing with my parents (who are very involved) that we will be consistent in the way we react to things
4. being open and honest about how hard it is being a single mum and how much I do for him, how tired I am, how him helping a little bit really helps me overall

but him getting older made a big difference naturally, he grew out of a lot of it.

i was recently speaking to a doctor/consultant when I was visiting my mum in hospital every day for a week. The consultant had overhead a conversation I had with my mum and she came and sat with us and said she had experienced exactly the same issues with her boy (actually 3 boys) at the same age. She was also a single mum.

Not sure where I said not to punish the behaviour that is trashing the living room.

Is it not accurate that we choose the size of our families?

10 minutes is nothing. They probably wouldn’t have even needed to do anything if the 3yo was playing happily. I agree with a poster above though that the reaction to that request suggests something else is going on. It isn’t normal to trash a room because your parents have asked you to do something pretty minor.

Perhaps try to find a calm moment (probably not easy!) and have a serious chat with the teenagers about behaviour and expectations. I think you are martyring yourself by doing things for them they really should be doing themselves at that age. The 10 and 6 year olds could also have small age appropriate chores too, even fetching or helping fold laundry or emptying bins. It isn't child labour, just part of being a family team and making a contribution to the home. My brother still talks with some pride about his daily task of "milk bottles and bins" from when he was quite small.

There really should be consequences for trashing a room, starting with being the one to clear it up.

@SoSoSusan I’m not sure physically attacking the teenagers will be helpful.

They should be helping, I don’t think you are asking too much! You were making their lunch.

I think you need to address expectations and boundaries when you are all calm and the little ones are in bed.

But in your case it was just one of your children. In the case of the OP and the consultant it is all of their children. That means something isn't working in the family set up and needs sorting.

Or do you think that because someone is a doctor then they can't be overwhelmed, struggling or inadequate parents?

She wasn't asking for "childcare"! She was asking them to watch their sibling in their home for 10 minutes while she made lunch for them to feed their rude, ungrateful faces! They could have watched him while dressing or watched him while on their phones. They sound like spoiled, entitled madams!
If I were her I would have fixed lunch for myself and the toddler and left them to sort their own.
No, they didn't ask to be born into a family of five, but here they are so they need to help out or get out.

@Arbesque what a ridiculous response and talk about putting words into my mouth 🙄

I would remove everything they value. No Internet. No phone. No Ipad. No TV. No laptop. No money. Nothing. People who don't help don't get nice stuff.

Not sure where I said not to punish the behaviour that is trashing the living room.

Not sure where I suggested you did.