to think most advice for changing your life is either trite or unsuitable for middle-aged mums?

[HobbleHeart]

Over the last few years, I've been trying to make changes in my life. What I really want to achieve is a significant shift in my own headspace; I want to stop feeling so worn down and to wake up in a morning and feel positive, rather than experiencing a weary feeling that I'm about to live through another day of constant battle.

I've been working on it slowly. I no longer drink alcohol and haven't now for over four years. I've got a regular exercise plan, and am now back to the shape and weight I was before my pregnancies. I've done new things, got involved in new activities and endeavours, volunteered and now have a formal community role, painted my house to reflect my inner core, met new people who are very different to me, gone beyond my comfort zone in so many things, and on the surface, I suppose I look like someone who knows what she is doing.

But, yesterday, I admitted to DH that I am deeply unhappy. I don't find much joy in anything. My life just seems like a never-ending road of effort and work (either poorly paid or unpaid), and it's eating away at me, and I'm permanently tired.

Most of the things that I've done to try and make changes have brought yet more obligations or responsibilities that I get nothing back from, and some of it is rather unpleasant. I've become one of those "local community" people who is expected to sort out a whole range of sometimes quite serious problems on a voluntary basis.

I've listened to God knows how many podcasts, and read so many books and blogs, looking for different implementable ideas to make change. I have notebooks full of "useful passages". I've done the ones I can do, but most of them are just unviable for a middle-aged married woman with a small child in school and a part-time job, who doesn't have a trust fund or a high earning partner.

And I'm starting to get a bit annoyed about it. I'M TRYING, GODDAMIT! But I'm still in pretty much the same spot as when I started, only I don't buy wine, some old clothes now fit, and I can say "my name is HobbleHeart" in Turkish.

Surely, somewhere out there is something that actually works. And I keep looking, but so little of it is relevant to me and the stuff that is, I've already done and it's just made things worse.

AIBU here?

YANBU. Maybe you could step back from the volunteering, it doesn’t sound like it’s making you happy and you have to look after yourself first.

I know what you mean though. I’m in the same boat.

I think when you have younger children it can feel like an endless hamster wheel of responsibility. Mine is now late teen and I'm discovering renewed freedom. It's lovely to do things I want to do again. You sound like a wise woman who maybe just needs to be a bit more selfish and do somethings just for you

YANBU.

I'm mid 40s and feel exactly the same.

There's no time/space for me.

but what do you love? What’s your dream? What do you like to do?

A lot of advice is quite difficult to implement once you have dependents, tbf. Your time is no longer your own and you're beholden to the structure of family life. You can't just sack off your job and go train on a bursary because you have financial responsibilities to others and can't just go live in a house share!

Could you be depressed, OP? Is that possible?

And I'm starting to get a bit annoyed about it. I'M TRYING, GODDAMIT!

Annoyed at what, at whom? At yourself?

There's no point at getting annoyed at strangers or the people whose advice you're reading.

If you're tired, look at why you are tired. Stop volunteering so much. Stop being responsible for housework / childcare to an unfair extent.

No one else can help you, you have to help yourself and fight for yourself.

But what works for one person won't for another.

So you drop the stuff that is adding extra in a bad way and try something else (whether that's doing something or nothing). And keep tweaking forever more, as life is always changing

I think you can give yourself permission to drop the things that feel burdensome.

I can totally relate to feeling lost as a parent of small children. Primarily, I really miss solitude and the ability to either do, or not do things on a complete whim. I often feel unable to relax or become absorbed in an interest, so a lot of my interests are superficial things (like Mumsnet!) because it doesn't require concentration.

Stop trying so hard! How about just live in the moment, it’s exhausting reading your post in a way so no wonder you are tired of life. Just live and see how you go

Existential crisis?

www.betterup.com/blog/what-is-an-existential-crisis

I want to know what colour paint matches your inner core - organ red?

in all seriousness, the one thing that has made me happier, less stressed and more content is letting go of responsibilities. From giving up extra responsibilities at work that were optional, working very hard not to do any extra hours and taking all my allotted breaks, being very very firm with this.

I no longer do voluntary work. I WILL again, when my children are older but for now, my priority is children, then me and my partner and household. I have no energy for anything else.

We lost our dog last year and as much as I loved them and would love another, I won’t be getting another likely till I retire. Less cost, less work, less cleaning etc.

Honestly by really paring things back I have so much mental freedom, I’m so much more organised, have more time and feel so much happier.

I have a day “off” today. My MIL has taken the baby for a few hours. Thought I might enjoy a nice sit-down. But once I finish this cuppa, I’ll be climbing a giant mountain of house-work that’s been building for weeks... This decluttering is supposed to make me feel better & more organized, but really it’s eating up the only “me time” I ever get. I hear you, OP.

I think you've done great at getting yourself out there and started lots of new stuff. I think that's the first stage, maybe now is the time to be selective. Cut out the activities that don't bring you joy. It also sounds like you need more alone time.

Are you satisfied in your part time job? Do you want to progress career wise? Can you take some steps towards that?

Agree with the others about reducing responsibilities. Also remember a lot of self help/motivational advice is written by younger people who aren't parents, so it might be stuff that works for their demographic, but not ours.

Eg. when you're stressed "go for a walk", "have a hot bath" ho ho. It might be hours, or days until there's a chance to do that (esp as a single parent).

For me, I've found that yoga, meditation, podcasts during housework, and keeping a gratitude diary work fairly well. Also journaling, and occasionally staying by myself in a hotel for the night.

The drive for self-improvement or fulfilment isn't always positive and it isn't always what's needed. And certainly the things every one says one ought tobdo to be happy or enrich one's life aren't necessary the things that will suit you personally. Maybe you need to try doing less rather than more! Sorry if this sounds selfish, but the very idea of being a community person that everyone goes to fills me with horror!

My dc are teens now and I have spent the last decade (very much through choice) working part time, well below my qualification and ability level, not earning much, and being largely responsible for house and dc. I too have taken up hobbies, initiatives, new skills etc. I've just got a new ft job for September and even though I haven't started it yet, I feel 100 times more full of purpose than I have in a very long time. I very much enjoy some of the things I did and took up, but I now realise it was all to fill an empty space caused by not actually feeling useful, challenged, valued outside the home, or paid well for something I'm good at!

P.S. my suggestions there are flexible and can be squeezed into a few minutes - which I get more of now the dc are nearly 10 & 12, despite having two jobs etc etc.

Ultimately this is why my top tip for any woman is "get a really good job that you love." So, no part time work, nothing poorly paid like nurseries and care homes and social work. Aim high. Aim to be a top earner in a vibrant and exciting industry.

I retrained at 35, two small kids in school, and joined the tech industry.
With a fulfilling job, you have money - which gives you freedom - and you can sort out a home. You now literally have it all. I've known women do the same with other industries as well. There's a lot of schemes out there for supporting women into these industries.

Fashion, marketing, gaming, tech, digital security, publishing - just, whatever it is you like, look at entry level roles and you'll find there are all kinds of schemes for getting women back into work. Banks offer them as well, as a gateway into finance.

Doing community drudge work isn't going to fulfill you.

You choose a man who isn't afraid of your intellect and earning power, and who does his share around the house and kids, so your life isn't unpaid drudgery. If he isn't that man, tell him he is now and he knows where the washing machine is.

No books, no podcasts. Start firing emails off and develop a career. With intellectual stimulation, a new social circle, challenges and respect from your peers, you'll feel full of ideas as to how you want to spend your time. Maybe it's travel. Maybe it's events. Theatre. I don't know. All of these things can be done with children. I've never once felt that being a mother has prevented me from doing the things I want to do. It's a mindset that may get shoved on us from society, but you can ignore it. There's nothing you can't do as a carefree 18 year old that you can't do now.

It sounds to me like your trying things without actual understanding what makes you happy. Not saying its easy ti know what makes you happy mind you. To me your just doing 'stuff' rather than thinking about the meaning or motivation behind it. So just stop especially the stuff that is tiring and commitment heavy. I was guilty of this last year. I joined a class in something I used to enjoy as a child in the hopes it was something just for me, it just became another burden in the end. I realise I have so much already on my plate filling it with more is not going to suddenly be life changing in a positive way.
As a pp said just try live. Slow down. Just do the day to day even if it feels unfulfilling right now. Its alot about acceptance especially when you have young children.

It's a general shaking of my fist at the sky, but, in truth, I am very frustrated with myself. I should be able to figure this out.

I don't think I can argue that I am too responsible for the housework any more. I've fine-tuned the chores to the point where they aren't much of an imposition and kondoed my home to a silly extent.

The problem is I'm not sure what it means or looks like to fight for myself. What is the thing I'm fighting to do? I really don't know. More time for myself? I'm currently sat here typing on mumsnet: that's some free time I've got right now, and my head is pretty blank about it.

I don't really know why I am so fatigued. I mean, I could decide right now to sack off work today and dance around the garden like an octopus; I WFH on a part-time basis, so there's flexibility in my day while DD is at summer school. But I'm just sat here, staring out of the window in between typing these sentences.

Depending on your age, check your hormone levels, it could be related.

Are you a councillor? Thankless job on the whole although there are wins sometimes.
I would suggest you consider stepping back from the voluntary stuff you currently do, try out some other volunteer stuff you think you might find interesting/fulfilling or increase your paid hours if you want to.
You need to explore what works for you. My free time nowadays is spent on my two great loves - horses and music. I was a councillor for 15 years, feel I've done my bit for society now.

OP you are doing lots of things that sound laudable - giving up alcohol, taking care of your health, volunteering and wholesome activities - but I have to say, reading it, it doesn't sound like much fun? Now I'm not going to suggest going on a weekend bender or having an affair or getting a crazy tattoo or whatever but are you sure you are doing these things because you want to, or because a book tells you they will make you happy? I know it's hard when you have young kids but I would pare back your responsibilities, relax a bit on the exercise/diet and carve out some times for fun, even if you have to spend a bit of time working out what that is.

I often wonder if those pillar of the community types (looking at you FIL!) are unhappy. It’s thankless work really. I’d stop it if I were you OP. And reading your OP I wondered if you might benefit from antidepressants. Your list of what you had tried sounded great to me - I dream to be back into my pre-3-babies clothes!

One of mt mates mums went off at this stage and went to live in a retreat.
I cant tell u how tempting it sounded!
She was never forgiven , as left dc , everyone... but you cant sort of get where she was commimg from.
It sounds like you are burnt out .
Step back from some tasks.
I write a daily list of
What i want to do
What i am greatful for
And what i need to let go off.
We have returned dc post uni in the house latr 50 and early 60s and we love them but desp for space.

I think if you have that tendendancy to feel as you do, as i do, its easy to get down.

I accept now that i will always be this way amd i need to actively manage it. Tho i do forget.!
For me its
Anti depressants.
Walks.
Journaling.
Tidy house.
Time alone whenever i can or mind fills up.
Active planning.
Invite people round and go out and listen to music .
Whatever re sets and mentally energies you may help ?

Age? Menopausal, peri menopausal?

Depressed? Thyroid? Low vitamin D?

Need to do fuck all and just sit and read a book while drinking tea ?