to think most advice for changing your life is either trite or unsuitable for middle-aged mums?

[HobbleHeart]

Over the last few years, I've been trying to make changes in my life. What I really want to achieve is a significant shift in my own headspace; I want to stop feeling so worn down and to wake up in a morning and feel positive, rather than experiencing a weary feeling that I'm about to live through another day of constant battle.

I've been working on it slowly. I no longer drink alcohol and haven't now for over four years. I've got a regular exercise plan, and am now back to the shape and weight I was before my pregnancies. I've done new things, got involved in new activities and endeavours, volunteered and now have a formal community role, painted my house to reflect my inner core, met new people who are very different to me, gone beyond my comfort zone in so many things, and on the surface, I suppose I look like someone who knows what she is doing.

But, yesterday, I admitted to DH that I am deeply unhappy. I don't find much joy in anything. My life just seems like a never-ending road of effort and work (either poorly paid or unpaid), and it's eating away at me, and I'm permanently tired.

Most of the things that I've done to try and make changes have brought yet more obligations or responsibilities that I get nothing back from, and some of it is rather unpleasant. I've become one of those "local community" people who is expected to sort out a whole range of sometimes quite serious problems on a voluntary basis.

I've listened to God knows how many podcasts, and read so many books and blogs, looking for different implementable ideas to make change. I have notebooks full of "useful passages". I've done the ones I can do, but most of them are just unviable for a middle-aged married woman with a small child in school and a part-time job, who doesn't have a trust fund or a high earning partner.

And I'm starting to get a bit annoyed about it. I'M TRYING, GODDAMIT! But I'm still in pretty much the same spot as when I started, only I don't buy wine, some old clothes now fit, and I can say "my name is HobbleHeart" in Turkish.

Surely, somewhere out there is something that actually works. And I keep looking, but so little of it is relevant to me and the stuff that is, I've already done and it's just made things worse.

AIBU here?

I think what you have already achieved sounds amazing, I know it is meaningless though as so much of it has brought you apathy/deepening resentment. As someone who has started volunteering and got a lot out of it I think that maybe the reason I enjoy it is because, on the whole, I stay out of the decision-making part of things, I learn what they want and I carry it out but I do not have any overall responsibility and can say no to things that are outside my purview. Are you able to say no to things? Because that can be exhausting and take its toll. I've been there. The exhaustion, feeling fatigued and wondering what the point is I can definitely relate to. You seem to be really good at following through on DOING things that should help, and that is great but do you ever just set aside times for doing absolutely nothing or things that aren't about improving the big picture. Just having fun that day?

Also, have you been to the doctors about your symptoms. There might be something physical or mental health related going on?

I just read your last post, I feel exactly the same today. Sitting on mumsnet when I could be doing something fun.... I struggle to do that on my own and usually need a partner-in-crime to really forget about things with. I want to be able to do that for myself as well but I'm not there yet.

Stop doing what you think you should and start just doing whatever you feel like. As long as my child is looked after and my work is done, that's what I do! Fancy a Prosecco? Have a Prosecco! Want to go out and shop for nonsense like earrings? Do it! If you don't have the money then just do other stuff for giggles. Just suit yourself.

It sounds like you are a bit manic in your drive to "do" stuff to improve yourself.

Maybe you need a bit of space to think instead of this frantic doing.

Maybe you need another person to help you. Self help always seems a contradiction in terms to me - my observation both professionally and personally is that deep seated personal growth is only achieved in the context of a facilitating relationship with another who helps you and resources you.

What's wrong with footling around today while your Dd is at her summer school. Give yourself a breather.

You sound depressed. Have you spoken to your GP?

"the very idea of being a community person that everyone goes to fills me with horror!"

It now fills me with horror, Fairisle. It kinda crept up on me. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all.

I reckon what happened was a riff on the whole "nature abhors a vacuum" thing. There was a vacuum, I accidentally popped up in it, and then everything just spread like Himalayan Balsam over barren ground. I am a kind of reluctant weed that has been propagated everywhere by word of mouth: "HobbleHeart will help."

And the thing is: I do like to help. I like making things better for people. I like sorting things for people. And I understand sometimes people just need someone else to listen to them. But crikey, it takes a cerebral toll sometimes.

I guess I just can't help myself, or make things better for myself, which would make sense considering my background (I suspect I was accidentally programmed from a young age to consider other people before myself). And that's why I need other source of information to help me do it.

"Age? Menopausal, peri menopausal? Depressed? Thyroid? Low vitamin D?"

I've had everything checked. I take supplements too. My GP says I'm one of the only people in my area who has Vit D3 levels in the normal range when they are sent for testing.

I do try. A few weeks ago, I had this idea that I should sleep outside for experimental purposes after DH and I spent four hours in the open air at a do and I felt quite good the following morning. Besides, I'd read this whole thing about "nature bathing" and "earth grounding", and thought I'd give it a go.

So I set up the tent in the front garden. DD loved it, but I got very little sleep and the inflatable bed was really uncomfortable and deflated in the middle of the night. I woke up feeling as though I'd been sat on by a warthog.

Thing is, even when you get time to yourself cosvthe kids are older the washing still needs done, place needs gutted, and your still skint.

Have you tried eating biscuits?

It kind of feels like you need to stop reading inspirational shit and start doing what makes you happy, with what you've got. If getting a coffee in costa or sitting watching catch up tv makes you happy, do it. All this painting your house your inner whatever it was is a load of bollocks.

I think you're on to something with the people-pleasing training you mention. Living like that means we lose touch with who we are, our own desires and preferances.

I would NOT recommend getting divorced, however, I've seen in myself and other women that it can take a total life collapse like that to be a trigger for finding out who you are, out of necessity.

Could you do some thought experiments based on what you'd do with no time/money/responsibility constraints, or think about the aspects of people you've always admired, that kind of thing? Then take the parts of that which inspire you and see how you can move in that direction.

If lack of confidence, fear, feeling unworthy hold you back, then focus on changing those. Unlike a pp, I have found self help to be completely life changing in terms of how I view the world and its possibilities for me.

Hi OP - I know you've said that you've done tests etc. but if you're perimenopausal, that doesn't usually show up on blood tests. Plus if you're under 45 then the GP won't necesarily push you forward for the relevant tests. It's worth considering as I felt like this from the age of 40-45 and it turned out to be perimenopause. Just perhaps don't write it off just yet. Everything changed for me when I was prescribed HRT and I am definitely starting to feel big improvements.

You sound amazing!

My thoughts - see your GP, go for counselling, get a dog.

These have all worked for me in one way or another.

I agree with @Bumpsadaisie . It’s a bit like TTC, when the more you overthink it the more obstructive it can be, then that one month you shag once you get lucky. I think the more you try to be happy, the more you move away from that point.

How old are you? This sounds like perimenopause to me.

I did a full on voluntary job after I retired for 3 to 4 years These things can take their toll. If they are on you then tell people you are taking a step back for a while. You cannot help others without you being well yourself.

@HobbleHeart thanks for posting this as I feel the same. I feel like somewhere along the line for various reasons, I’ve ‘lost’ myself, I don’t know who Wheely is anymore and what Wheely loves doing. In fact, I dread meeting new people and them asking what my hobbies, interests, passions are because I don’t know them!

this quote from you stood out, I don't find much joy in anything. That’s where I am starting, I want to find joy so I’m just sitting and thinking back to when I was young and what I loved to do so I can rediscover things that make me joyful

I think there is a people pleasing element here, and you are putting way too much pressure on yourself!

What is your end goal?
Less tired
Happier
Fulfilled

Start with your end goal.. make plans tick boxes, make a list and work your way through it.

Not someone else's list... your list.

How old are you? Your children?

This has a massive amount of familiarity to me.

I'd say perimenopause.

Speaking from personal experience I think your biggest mistake was giving up alcohol. There is a reason that wine time is the cringey joke with the yummy mummy crowd. It’s what can get you through life with small children. It doesn’t mean you have to go mad - but taking the edge off and relaxing with the odd glass at a weekend, especially if it’s with some other female socialisation - good mates, a good gossip after sport or say, a book club, can have more health benefits to your well-being that will offset any minor detrimental effects of the alcohol intake.

My friend, Catherine, has set up 1.lifeperfect.co.uk/get-access. She posts on Instagram etc. She is one of the loveliest, non judgemental people I know. I met her in 1997.

She offers relationship counselling, but I saw on insta that she was talking about how we all respond to things. It went something like, people ask me why I don't get upset and it's because I choose not to. How we respond is a choice. I don't want to feel upset so I don't go there.

I've been thinking about this since I saw it. I know from workIve fobe previiusly that psychologists say we have no choice about how we feel in reacting to something, but the choice about how we respond is 100% in our gift. So she is right.

Maybe we all need a chip that says, we are content, we are happy and our responses to life will be based on contentment and happiness. Perhaps then we can start to relish life again.

I personally think you've done brilliantly OP. Well done, you. Nownk happy and smile cos smiling even if we don't feel happy produces happy chemicals in the body. Also don't take on things tgat you don't want to, be constructive and assertive about it. Good luck xxxx

I am 46 and my DD is 4.

I have wondered whether part of my tiredness is that I may be just a little too old to deal with a very lively child, and I shouldn't have left it so late (but obstetric circumstances meant I lost four years in the process). It's one of the other reasons why I started on the health and fitness path, because I realised I was struggling to keep up with her.

Only now I've achieved a good level of health and fitness, and I am still fatigued. Sometimes I just can't remember things, and it's bothering me quite a bit.

As with PP, assuming you don’t have substance abuse issues etc, I think having a glass of amazing wine, top quality gin, whatever floats your boat, once or twice a week would be lovely. I can’t believe I’m encouraging someone to drink (I spend all my time getting my DH to cut down), but people who are very light drinkers have longer life expectancy than teetotallers.

Also second dramatically cutting back on the voluntary work. Someone once said to me - as I recited everything I was doing - it’s like society has this Victorian ideal of women doing “good works”, for free. I took that on board and, using my voluntary work to boost my CV, picked up an amazing highly paid role. I’ll go back to the voluntary work once my kids are long gone.

you’re not alone.

Oh you’re my age and you have a four year old. Things will be brilliant when they are about 8!!!

It sounds like you’ve worked really really hard to try and address this general ‘meh’ that you’re feeling and I really admire you for putting yourself out there and trying so many different things. But reading your post it sounds like you’re trying to ‘fix’ something without really quite knowing what it is you’re trying to fix?

While reading your post all I could think was ‘this is someone who needs therapy!’ and I don’t mean that in a perjorative way at all, it sounds like you would really really benefit from talking through your feelings with someone and really getting to know yourself and how you think. A good therapist could help you get to the root of where these feelings are coming from and maybe help you reframe and adjust some things from the inside, rather than continually changing and adding new things externally, if you see what I mean.

I do also think there’s a lot of ‘toxic positivity’ out there on social media especially, which makes you feel like if you aren’t totally happy and fulfilled 100% of the time then there’s something wrong in your life that needs fixing. It sounds like you’ve become quite fixated on analysing how you feel and doing these ‘experiments’ to see what makes you feel better and then getting frustrated when it doesn’t work. Again, I think a therapist could help you explore that and maybe help you figure out some more realistic benchmarks for checking in with yourself and how you’re feeling, instead of always asking yourself ‘why don’t I feel better yet?’

I found that things only picked up once kids grown up - they are a huge responsibility , you can't take time , you can't take risks

So what will you do when that commitment is cleared ? Make plans for that ?

Oh and 46 - menopausal years are hard all
Round - sounds like you have brain fog already , and it can make you tired also