to think most advice for changing your life is either trite or unsuitable for middle-aged mums?

[HobbleHeart]

Over the last few years, I've been trying to make changes in my life. What I really want to achieve is a significant shift in my own headspace; I want to stop feeling so worn down and to wake up in a morning and feel positive, rather than experiencing a weary feeling that I'm about to live through another day of constant battle.

I've been working on it slowly. I no longer drink alcohol and haven't now for over four years. I've got a regular exercise plan, and am now back to the shape and weight I was before my pregnancies. I've done new things, got involved in new activities and endeavours, volunteered and now have a formal community role, painted my house to reflect my inner core, met new people who are very different to me, gone beyond my comfort zone in so many things, and on the surface, I suppose I look like someone who knows what she is doing.

But, yesterday, I admitted to DH that I am deeply unhappy. I don't find much joy in anything. My life just seems like a never-ending road of effort and work (either poorly paid or unpaid), and it's eating away at me, and I'm permanently tired.

Most of the things that I've done to try and make changes have brought yet more obligations or responsibilities that I get nothing back from, and some of it is rather unpleasant. I've become one of those "local community" people who is expected to sort out a whole range of sometimes quite serious problems on a voluntary basis.

I've listened to God knows how many podcasts, and read so many books and blogs, looking for different implementable ideas to make change. I have notebooks full of "useful passages". I've done the ones I can do, but most of them are just unviable for a middle-aged married woman with a small child in school and a part-time job, who doesn't have a trust fund or a high earning partner.

And I'm starting to get a bit annoyed about it. I'M TRYING, GODDAMIT! But I'm still in pretty much the same spot as when I started, only I don't buy wine, some old clothes now fit, and I can say "my name is HobbleHeart" in Turkish.

Surely, somewhere out there is something that actually works. And I keep looking, but so little of it is relevant to me and the stuff that is, I've already done and it's just made things worse.

AIBU here?

And purpose doesn’t have to be altruistic, nor does it have to be found at the expense of yourself and to the benefit of others. Purpose means something that is meaningful to YOU, that feeds your soul.

OR life just is fucking boring and empty, particularly modern treadmill blah life detached from nature and unnaturally long

OP may I ask how long the steamrollered feeling has been going on?

re work - yes, they like you where they can use you the most, for a good worker that's often not a higher position. I had a bit if a drunk thread about that once.

I think you have to start somewhere new to get a better post.

People are all too willing to dump huge amounts of responsibility on me, and some of it involving tens of thousands of pounds, but when it comes to recognising that in some way, either through remuneration, recognition or promotion, there always seems to be an issue.

The Authority Gap: Why women are still taken less seriously than men, and what we can do about it This is on my to buy and read list might be worth a look.

However it's an issue in my family male and female I strongly suspect some ND is playing a role. Though that's not an issue for DH but he progress less well despite being thought of as capable hands - so possible confidence or imposter syndrome - we both were working class kids who did very well academically but were frequently told to lower our expectations.

I've also realised part of the reason I find it hard to work out what I enjoy is because I do face so much criticism and have since childhood with an unspoken theme that everything I now spend time on must be productive or worthy or have a purpose beyond enjoying it.

For example baking is fine but only for pack lunch or occasions and only then if kids are involved or sewing embroidery sets constant what's the point - can't just be I enjoy it apparently.

It is wearing despite pushing back and does impact enjoyment for me but it's often so insidious I don't always recognise it.

Well it seems like you are doing things that you have read will make you happy rather than trying to figure out what would actually make you happy. It sounds like you are spending a lot of time and effort on this and it sounds exhuasting and not much fun.

What do you need? what do you enjoy? figure that out, and then figure out how you can carve out the money and time for that.

Also, have you considered you might be depressed? You might not of course, but if you can't find joy ever it might be worth a chat with your GP.

I am at a point of making some big life changes (hopefully for the better)

I have discussed the changes with a few people

However, all the responsibilities are ultimately mine
The timescales are mine
The end result will be my choice

I think that some people are scared of change

HRT.

My fatigue and brain fog improved dramatically once I began Estradiol patches.

OP, you seem to be looking for the 'root cause' and implying that it's your failure to cope which is a problem. It's not. It's genuinely hard! And there are more causes than you can count to explain how you're feeling - small child, pandemic burnout, grief, nothing working anymore, the cost of living disaster...

Think about what you need to get you through the next year or two. The children do get more capable. It will get better.

Don't worry about putting yourself first - does your child need a fifth birthday party more than you need a break? Could it wait until next year?

Could you have a day of escape by yourself for, say, £100, if you found some cheap advance fares, maybe even a single room somewhere? I did that recently - there was an ostensible work reason, but it was really for me, and it gave me a great lift.

The work situation will be weighing you down. Is it all same organisation? Can you move for a fresh start.
I’d stop or cut back on everything and have a few months of nothing. Then only do what you want. Community volunteer stuff is draining. Be kind to yourself I have felt awful since hitting peri menopause and don’t have a small child.

"we both were working class kids who did very well academically"

Ahhh, this is me too. I went to a Northern comprehensive school and I suspect some of the attitudes, whereby we were all perceived as either factory or secretary fodder, sank in and I can't really exorcise them somehow.

I think it's led to this subconscious belief that I have to work twice as hard for things because I am lesser than other people, which is then reinforced by the fact I do work twice as hard, and don't really get anywhere, so I then think I must work three times as hard and I still don't get anywhere.

It's a vicious cycle.

"I've also realised part of the reason I find it hard to work out what I enjoy is because I do face so much criticism and have since childhood with an unspoken theme that everything I now spend time on must be productive or worthy or have a purpose beyond enjoying it."

Yes. This too. It's somehow decadent to do something "just because". That, I know, is a Northern working class form of social control that once probably served a very good purpose because it stopped members of your family from spending time and money on things that didn't pay the rent or buy the shopping.

But my mother did it, and my grandmother did it, and at a time when none of us were a hair's breadth from the workhouse just because I spent an hour reading a book that wasn't educational.

Put it this way, when I started my health and fitness plan, I booked some sessions with a local personal trainer to get started. I never told my mother about it before she died, because I knew she would pull "that face" and make remarks about people who have "money to burn."

I was 43 at the time. It is ridiculous, of course, but I just didn't want to deal with it.

And I do, to this day, feel very socially policed in many ways. I'm not really the person I appear to be, but it's very difficult to get out of the prison.

OP, big hugs. You sound a bit like my MIL, who I love, but always thinks she needs to do what's popular (eg podcasts) as a kind of self improvement. Think about what YOU want to do. WHat do YOU like to do. If you don't know, go get therapy til you can figure out what it is. Like I am a size 18/20, I honestly couldn't give a shit about getting back to my pre-pregnancy size, but I care a LOT about going out for dinner with my uni friends to remind myself I'm a person.

It does suck because a lot of life is routine/cooking other people dinner/housework right now, but it won't be like this forever. If I had to listen to a podcast about manifesting I think I'd lose my shit. So think about what YOU like and do more of it. Massive hugs xxx

I’ve been doing a lot of art for enjoyment in the last few months. I’ve always liked it but didn’t even do A level Art as I didn’t think I was good enough, and that’s been the main barrier ever since. Like other posters it was the “what am I doing this FOR?” thing that held me back, or that it was a waste of time, or I didn’t want to spend the money to buy the decent materials so everything looked kind of shitty.

You know what helped? My DD got really into Encanto and there’s a bit in one of the songs where it says “what if everything didn’t have to be perfect, it just needed to be?” And as I was explaining this to my somewhat perfectionist daughter I thought, I need that advice! So every
time I picked up a pencil I sang that line in my head! And that really released me from only trying to do stuff that would be good. Of
course I still end up using the crap paper and so on but I definitely create more.

"I can say my name is Hobblehart in Turkish" 🤣 At least you have retained your SoH even though you are feeling no joy atm.

1. Feeling no joy usually means depression. There are well-knowm recommendations to help with that.

1. I think you are doing well. Give yourself a mental pat on the back.

1. Ten minute meditation every morning is recommended for ongoing fatigue/everyday tiredness.

1. Consider if your voluntary roles are right for you or if you would be better off doing a hobby which carries no responsibility with it.

1. Don't feel alone. Many people feel like you do.

It sounds like you need some external validation and you’re just not getting it through the things you’re doing.

When my DCs were small I did a lot of voluntary work but I stopped it all when I found myself thinking, wait a minute, my labour has value, why am I not being paid for this? It took me a while to sort myself out and get back into paid employment but it’s been the best thing ever. I’m not an extrovert type and quite enjoy my own space but being with people all day, that bonding, creating new friendships, has really enhanced my life and I get so much more enjoyment out of everything now.

I do think you’d benefit from therapy as you’ve highlighted quite significant insights from your upbringing. Also consider that your hormones may be peaking and troughing. Maybe keep track of how you feel via one of the menstruation cycle apps and see if there’s a pattern?

I think doing something for you, that you enjoy, with people in person, would be a good baby step start whilst you work on the rest. Creative writing class?

People often say do things you love doing (hobbies and such). My problem is that I don't know anymore what I love doing. So even if I had time which I'm beginning to. Ow the kids are older, I don't actually know what I want to do with it!

Try things that take your fancy - think back to when you were a child and anything that you really enjoyed doing. Start there. You might find you still love the same things, or you might find they’re no longer for you, but if you start you’ll know more about yourself and who you are now than you do at present. And trying will be part of the fun!

I never told my mother about it before she died, because I knew she would pull "that face" and make remarks about people who have "money to burn."

Sadly I do this though with many more family members socially policed is a good way of putting it.

I think what sort as compounding things is that everyone needs my support at the moment for various reasons - hopefully that will ease off soon - but there's none back - not even as a sounding board which I could really do with.

I'm struggling with procrastination - something I never used to have - so I'm quite a few steps behind you OP - I really need to start an exercise program - so honestly take pride you've tried a few new things - maybe they haven't worked like you wanted but you made the steps just need to find the right direction for you.

Above reply to @warofthemonstertrucks

Have you thought about writing? You’re very articulate and funny in amongst the frustration. Start a blog..

You're grieving. You have a young child. You have taken on too many community commitments. People emotionally dumping on you and 'drama' are also adding to your mental and physical exhaustion. You're at an age when many of us feel exhausted and overwhelmed due to hormonal changes. I think HRT/a low dose contraceptive pill are good suggestions. Reduce your commitments. Focus on what you enjoy. Get some fresh air. Shame the week away isn't an option. Spa day/afternoon?

To the "I don't know what to do with time for myself" don't get stuck in the trap that it has to be special, self improving, productive, good etc. I got into gaming on the switch over covid and love it. I also read everyday, but I'm a crime/detective novel addict and 90% of the books I read are of that genre. What you like is what you like, doesn't have to be something you'd put on your CV. Took me a while to learn that lesson. Love that others have gotten back into art. I am still very stuck in the perfectionist mode there so know how hard that can be to break.

I agree most self help books are not written for 40 somethings with young children.

The only one that resonated with me is 'time to breathe' by Bill Mitchell. It's about burnout and I read it from a work perspective, but I think parental burnout is huge and unrecognised. It's about recognising little changes that effect our wellbeing and erode our boundaries.
The demands on our time as parents are ridiculous and most of us don't have 'the village' that is needed to raise a child (and maintain your sanity).
I can't see the big picture without time to reflect and analyse. Getting the time to do this is the first battle.