to think most advice for changing your life is either trite or unsuitable for middle-aged mums?

[HobbleHeart]

Over the last few years, I've been trying to make changes in my life. What I really want to achieve is a significant shift in my own headspace; I want to stop feeling so worn down and to wake up in a morning and feel positive, rather than experiencing a weary feeling that I'm about to live through another day of constant battle.

I've been working on it slowly. I no longer drink alcohol and haven't now for over four years. I've got a regular exercise plan, and am now back to the shape and weight I was before my pregnancies. I've done new things, got involved in new activities and endeavours, volunteered and now have a formal community role, painted my house to reflect my inner core, met new people who are very different to me, gone beyond my comfort zone in so many things, and on the surface, I suppose I look like someone who knows what she is doing.

But, yesterday, I admitted to DH that I am deeply unhappy. I don't find much joy in anything. My life just seems like a never-ending road of effort and work (either poorly paid or unpaid), and it's eating away at me, and I'm permanently tired.

Most of the things that I've done to try and make changes have brought yet more obligations or responsibilities that I get nothing back from, and some of it is rather unpleasant. I've become one of those "local community" people who is expected to sort out a whole range of sometimes quite serious problems on a voluntary basis.

I've listened to God knows how many podcasts, and read so many books and blogs, looking for different implementable ideas to make change. I have notebooks full of "useful passages". I've done the ones I can do, but most of them are just unviable for a middle-aged married woman with a small child in school and a part-time job, who doesn't have a trust fund or a high earning partner.

And I'm starting to get a bit annoyed about it. I'M TRYING, GODDAMIT! But I'm still in pretty much the same spot as when I started, only I don't buy wine, some old clothes now fit, and I can say "my name is HobbleHeart" in Turkish.

Surely, somewhere out there is something that actually works. And I keep looking, but so little of it is relevant to me and the stuff that is, I've already done and it's just made things worse.

AIBU here?

Seriously start saying no to people.

Or even better Fuck off (but save that for the really annoying ones rather than random strangers in the street.

Soon as I hit 40 (and my sister died in his 30s) I realised life is too short for this people pleasing shit. So I say no to everything and everyone now unless it directly benefits me (or is a safety concern for my kids). I've never been happier.

And I'm starting to get a bit annoyed about it. I'M TRYING, GODDAMIT!

Maybe that's the problem. You're trying so hard you've basically managed to make the pursuit of happiness a full time job! The voluntary work, the languages, the Marie Kondo, the earth grounding thing, the exercise regime...when do you get to just, you know, be!

This is exactly what life coaches are for. They do t give advice or tell you what to do but help you reconnect with yourself and start from there rather than applying general rules.

I had six sessions with one specialising in new motherhood and it changed the course of my life.

OP are you me?!

I feel like I’m drowning under the responsibility of small ish child and elderly parents and sometimes stressful job and all the house stuff. Even things I should enjoy I don’t always due to all of the other pressures.

I’d bet anything that you’re very effective and good at getting stuff done which is why you get lumbered with more and more community/voluntary stuff. To get something done ask a busy person is definitely true in my experience. Just no one ever thinks about what it does to the busy person to be overwhelmed by extra stuff to be fixed all the time. If you can step back a bit I would try.

@HobbleHeart

Starting to forget things is classic perimenopause.

Brain fog in my case was almost physically painful.

Any idea how old your mother was when she started menopause?

I'd be very tempted to ask for a trail of HRT ( patches are good as a slow, steady release) for a few months.

I still had regular periods when I started HRT and using it has brought me back to life.

OP, gardening makes me happy, it is my life long passion, l am obsessed, l cannot stop growing things. When l am pottering in my garden l totally switch off, it recharges me. l think finding one thing that you love, thats not a chore, or driven by the need for self validation or approval can make a world of difference.
l am like you as in l work on myself, but its finding things l can relate to and enjoy. My goal was to make life simpler and l suceeded at it, sometimes its not about adding things to your life, but actually taking them away. like that saying you need to "unlearn" certain conditioned ways of thinking.

When you have little kids you don’t get to be happy. You also don’t get to rest, or take a bath, or have a lie in. It’s part of the deal. You’re basically a servant to a small person who needs driving around and feeding and washing. The people who are wittering on about self help and how to change your life don’t have kids. Because they’re recommending stuff that only people who don’t have young kids are able to do.

I want to stop feeling so worn down and to wake up in a morning and feel positive, rather than experiencing a weary feeling that I'm about to live through another day of constant battle.

It was seeing a friend my own age die that made me wake each morning with the absolute happiness that I'm still here to see my DC grow, breathe the air and share smiles. I didn't need to stop alcohol or be a size 10.

I hear you OP. I watch what I eat, I volunteer, I'm in a new role, I listen to podcasts, I read, I watch all sort of motivational shit, I've seen friends pass away and am grateful for life - and basically, at 53, I just want to retire, potter, pursue some hobbies, go abroad a few times a year for some sun with DH and walk my dog. That's all. I'm tired, fed up and perimenopausal.

Do you know what you want?

Do you know where you want to be?

Because that will help massively.

Think about how you want to spend your time, ideally. What would your ideal perfect day look like? (push past the 'but that's not possible' and describe it to me now)

I think maybe I've missed a bit of the process off the end.

I've tried things, particularly the community work, and eventually realised I am just not someone who can do that kind of thing long term (it doesn't really suit aspects of my personality because I am the least officious person ever, which, perversely, is probably the reason so many local people approach me), but I've not done the bit where you say to yourself: "This doesn't work for you. Time to leave it behind."

I've not walked away; I think that is where all this has failed. I've just collected commitments and situations that are really rather stressful and give me a pressure headache.

I have one of those headaches now. It prompted this thread. And I don't even like collecting things.

I'm also generally surrounded by people who are not in a very good place themselves. In some cases, this is understandable. We've had two sudden deaths in my family in the last 18 months, and my close family members are suffering acutely. But even DH's family are constantly in a state of either fury, worry or misery, and I'm honestly not sure why. I think it's become a habit for them, and they no long notice that it's not really very normal.

On a wider level, the people I interact with on a regular basis don't do me much good. There's lots of odd motivations, and games played, and quite a bit of bullying, and I find navigating it all exhausting.

So maybe I need to curate, like some sort of museum specialist putting together an exhibition of only the things that make her go "Oooh."

I do get flashes of where I want to end up though. In the early days of the lockdown, I had a week where I woke up feeling light and alive. It was tremendous. I think it was because the world had stopped, and with that, all the expectations and obligations upon me had stopped too. It was like wild time, all fluid and not controlled by clocks or anything.

That's what I want to feel like. And I'm not asking for every morning to be like that, maybe just a few days a week.

I really like your writing style- you're observational, funny and witty.

You've clearly articulated something which a lot have people have said resonates with them- maybe start a blog writing about all the things you have tried / will try. Tapping into the humorous side might help and it could be cathartic to get it all out whilst also helping people who feel the same.

I agree with the work thing actually - if you get a good boss it can be amazing.
My current manager tells me every day how much she appreciates me and doesn't know what she would do without me and honestly l am on cloud nine - nobody at home ever says that to me even though l do so much

How old are you ?

Have you started menopause yet ?

Sounds like the first job is to remove some of those expectations and obligations. Don't fill the space you've made with any new expectations or obligations, just enjoy the breathing space. I had a role pre covid where I could work 4 days a week. The fifth day my kids were in school so I had a morning to myself and only for myself. The difference it made to my mental health was amazing. Can you find a way to make a few consistent hours every week for yourself to experience no obligation time?

Agree about your writing a blog or similar might be a good fit. I started a weight loss Instagram that’s morphed into more lifestyle, it’s a hobby and I’ve ‘met’ some nice people through it. Broadens your horizons and yes just give you positive feedback - what a lovely area you live in, your dress is lovely.
Dog has also brought me joy and I wasn’t a dog lover at all.
Different volunteering - guiding been a positive not a negative drain for me.

What's the worst that could happen by just dumping all the community shit that you don't want to do? As you say, nature abhors a vacuum - someone else will come along to fill the gap soon enough. You don't owe anyone other than your children your time!

@Theillustratedmummy - wholeheartedly agree with everything you've said.

Acceptance, for me, was the very first step in a process of making myself 'happier'.

Gonna throw a vote in the ring, here, for meditation. I used to scoff at meditation, but can honestly say it was something of a lifesaver from much of the noise in my own head and general angst/anxiety I was feeling. I now view my own headspace as part-absolute luxury and part-absolute necessity.

Only read half the thread so far, so apologies.

You’re still performing to a narrative that you think you ought to fulfil.

Why?

Why not allow yourself time and space to just be for a while? Find out what you actually want to do. Maybe you don’t want to do anything in your leisure time. Or at least not something that immediately becomes a burden on you. Why should you be beholden to everyone else?

Just read your last comment.

There, right there, is the crux of it.

Step off that belt. You don’t exist purely as a support human for everyone else.

Have a look at stoicism. It helps tackle the situation you are talking about. Ryan holiday ( daily stoic) very accessible. (Pop stoic if you will). But the way of life is designed to make you feel more content.

Why are you volunteering for all of this extra responsibility? I really admire people like you but I definitely wouldn’t enjoy being one of those “community” people who have to sort out other people’s problems (for free!)

Sounds like you should work out what actually makes you happy and do more of that? It sounds like you never put yourself first.

I retired earlier this year and am trying to ‘improve’ myself.

I bought a cheap Kindle book called ‘How to Keep House while Drowning’ which I’m currently reading and the author has made some interesting points about why gurus advice often doesn’t work. Firstly many self help gurus overattribute their success to their own hard work without any regard to the physical, mental or economic privileges they have. Secondly, different people find different things difficult and the author suspects that many people doling out advice focus on areas they are naturally gifted - areas where they only needed a couple of tips or a gentle push to improve things.

Prior to having your child was your identity tied up in your career?

Another one who likes your writing style.

I have a 5 year old and I’m 36 and feel knackered so I’m not surprised you do (not to be rude but to empathise).

PUT ON YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK AND STOP VOLUNTEERING.

Joy and happiness are really important parts of life, and important to keep topped up.

What you said about lockdown and the brief break from expectations and obligations got me thinking a bit. Are you constantly on alert waiting for something to happen? Do you keep a part of yourself prepared for something bad/difficult/complicated to happen? Do you think that disappointing or stressful situations can be minimised by staying in a place where you are prepared?