to think most advice for changing your life is either trite or unsuitable for middle-aged mums?

[HobbleHeart]

Over the last few years, I've been trying to make changes in my life. What I really want to achieve is a significant shift in my own headspace; I want to stop feeling so worn down and to wake up in a morning and feel positive, rather than experiencing a weary feeling that I'm about to live through another day of constant battle.

I've been working on it slowly. I no longer drink alcohol and haven't now for over four years. I've got a regular exercise plan, and am now back to the shape and weight I was before my pregnancies. I've done new things, got involved in new activities and endeavours, volunteered and now have a formal community role, painted my house to reflect my inner core, met new people who are very different to me, gone beyond my comfort zone in so many things, and on the surface, I suppose I look like someone who knows what she is doing.

But, yesterday, I admitted to DH that I am deeply unhappy. I don't find much joy in anything. My life just seems like a never-ending road of effort and work (either poorly paid or unpaid), and it's eating away at me, and I'm permanently tired.

Most of the things that I've done to try and make changes have brought yet more obligations or responsibilities that I get nothing back from, and some of it is rather unpleasant. I've become one of those "local community" people who is expected to sort out a whole range of sometimes quite serious problems on a voluntary basis.

I've listened to God knows how many podcasts, and read so many books and blogs, looking for different implementable ideas to make change. I have notebooks full of "useful passages". I've done the ones I can do, but most of them are just unviable for a middle-aged married woman with a small child in school and a part-time job, who doesn't have a trust fund or a high earning partner.

And I'm starting to get a bit annoyed about it. I'M TRYING, GODDAMIT! But I'm still in pretty much the same spot as when I started, only I don't buy wine, some old clothes now fit, and I can say "my name is HobbleHeart" in Turkish.

Surely, somewhere out there is something that actually works. And I keep looking, but so little of it is relevant to me and the stuff that is, I've already done and it's just made things worse.

AIBU here?

I'm a couple of years older than you OP and honestly, your post made me feel exhausted just reading it!

You don't have to figure everything out, you don't have to make additional work for yourself, having a 4-year-old, a DH, a PT job and a home is enough on its own. Honestly, I'd try HRT for your low feelings. You're almost certainly peri-menopausal and that feeling of dissatisfaction you describe is classic midlife ennui/peri gloom. Seriously, go and chat to your GP and get a prescription and give it a try. Also, go for a walk every day.

I recently stood down from an unpaid community role that I had done for far too long and the feeling of relief was immense. I had planned to stand down early 2020 and then didn't because pandemic and I felt guilty. I was feeling burnt out and resentful, and that is not a recipe for doing a good job.

I have since done voluntary work in something much more fun, with less responsibility and the difference was amazing. Met some great people, enjoyed myself and even led to some paid work.

The work you have done still has worth even when you stop doing it, don't feel guilty about taking a break.

I once took on too much voluntary work. It was completely the wrong time in my life to do it, I had a full time job and two young dc. Huge mistake and I'm still paying the price. There's a time for it and it's not now.

Also agree it sounds like perimenopause.

One thing that can help is spending time with an old friend who knew you when you were feeling more "alive" and could possibly bring that feeling out in you again.

First counselling. This helped me hugely. I recognised negative thought patterns that had me trapped in unhappy feelings I wasn't even aware of. Secondly I made the same mistake of feeling I needed "more" and like you added a demanding voluntary role on to a full time demanding job and young family. If I had done counselling before I took that on I'd have realised I need less. My down time is taking a bath, staying in bed, reading, yoga in a quiet room etc. and I have to fight the internal productivity addicted slave driver. Finally you are probably in perimenopause, even if the doctor checked you out. HRT for the last year has been a game changer in how I feel.

I don't know what the answer is, I'm in a similar boat to you. But I wanted to pipe up with the fact that you have a talent for writing. I really enjoyed reading your posts.

Its a really interesting question OP. You sound amazingly controlled, organised and motivated to "improve" every aspect of your life. I am in total awe of that, because I have always been a lazy, selfish and disorganised person, so I struggle to imagine your dilemma..
However, when my DC were young I did (being a lazy, selfish bitch) always make time for myself in whatever way I fancied, and as they have got older I find that all I really care about now (other than my kids) is my career.
I think the PP who said "get a great job" might be onto something?
You sound a bit...bored maybe?
In theory I love the idea of being a yoga-doing, emotionally fulfilled do gooder, but in reality the only thing I get a buzz from is doing well in my work. I want to put good things into the world and give back but I am hoping I can do that by throwing money at good causes, not actually doing stuff myself.
I think you need to examine what gives you a buzz, and move towards that. Also 4 year olds are tiring! Let yourself off from time to time and lower your standards for yourself!

Sounds like peri menopause. I’d see about hrt. Ditch or cut back volunteering. Do stuff just because - a show, afternoon tea whatever floats your boat.

Seconded!

Not that I want you to add to your endless list of commitments but if you wrote a blog I bet you’d get plenty of readers.

@ Lunalae

Ultimately this is why my top tip for any woman is "get a really good job that you love." So, no part time work, nothing poorly paid like nurseries and care homes and social work.....................Doing community drudge work isn't going to fulfill you

I take issue with your assumption that social care is "community drudge work" and cannot possibly be fulfilling. I work in a role broadly aligned to social work and absolutely it. I find it far more rewarding than working in tech, TBH

I'm 48 and I'd be completely wiped out if I was combining looking after a 4 year old with peri menopause. It's hard enough with teenagers!
I also think you need to knock all the volunteering/community work on the head - this is just unpaid labour with limited rewards.
Obviously healthy eating/exercise is good for you but beyond that, there's nothing wrong with doing nothing and just being. People have or drummed into them that they must constant be busy but you don't have to be. There's really nothing wrong in eating bonbons and watching Netflix and just doing nothing for a bit.
Id try a few months of HRT even if you don't think you need it - if it does nothing then you can stop and no harm done.

Yeah, you are good at writing OP! Also, not every cocking thing is down to peri menopause, and sometimes its a way of dismissing women's valid emotions/concerns.

Yanbu. I'm a LP and clinging on for another five years until my dc's hopefully head to uni. I can't study, sleep or change jobs for now.

Not everything is menopause @TammyOne but quite a lot of little niggly things are and if you've tried all sorts of other solutions and nothing has helped, it doesn't hurt to try HRT too, just in case.

My honest thoughts? It sounds like you are doing a huge amount, and you have a strong need to be in control. You are on the go, always trying to change things and beating yourself up when you can't (exhausting), trying lots of different approaches/ ideas, flitting between so many different things all the time.

Sometimes, you just need to step back and breathe, and honestly, maybe stop trying so hard. The amount of pressure you seem to be putting on yourself makes me feel tired!

I think you need to let go of some control. Your life will never be perfect. Try and just be, and see how that feels for a while.

What if you didn't do your volunteering? What if you didn't try that new self help book? What if you just let life happen for a bit?

Maybe what happens is that perimenopause highlights all the little issues and dissatisfactions that are already there. So can be an opportunity to tackle them (whether together with HRT or not).

Same as PMT, I always thought it generally shone a light on things I'd pushed away the rest of the month. In fact I read a theory one that its purpose was to do just that! Not sure if I believe it.

Sertraline fixed this for me.

You have cast yourself as the doormat who will always put others' needs before your own.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers. I got to a point a few months ago where I was struggling with continual inner rage, and what helped me sort out my priorities was reading 'The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k'. Try it.🙂

I love what @lunalae said. We spend our lives caring for others instead of aiming high. (If caring for others is your thing, as PP mentioned, fine. But it's NOT all women's thing!)

I would very much prefer to have a respected job, to to places, talk to people I admire. (That was my life before having kids) And have money to live a comfortable life.

However, I feel into the trap of caring for everyone, and now in my forties I'm slowly climbing out of that hole.

Most women I know are socialised to put everyone else's needs first. These women, me included, could do with being a bit more selfish.

You sound like you are making incremental changes which is good, and you sound pleased re your health which is great.

If work isn’t working that sounds like a big deal, and something to focus on.

Ditch all the community stuff and focus on sorting your working life for now? careershifters is a good organisation if you need help with that.

Maybe ID one more area that needs work, and chip at that too.

Happiness is a lifelong process, and you have to work at it, keep experimenting, ditch what doesn’t work and try something else. There is no magic bullet sadly.

Don’t ignore the bright spots though - health etc.

This is so refreshing to read OP! I’ve been planning to ‘fix’ myself by losing weight and volunteering for a bunch of community stuff so actually a very timely read for me.

But anyway. On to you. Studies of happiness have found that the biggest issue is genuine friends you can trust and rely on. I bet if you had 3 close mates you went to the gym/spa/lunch with a couple of times a week you (and I) would be way happier. How to get this I do not know.

I do recognise myself in a lot of what you are posting. It sounds like you're constantly trying to tweak or fix yourself. I've definitely been there. It might sound cheesy, but you are enough. If you are tired and fed up, maybe what needs fixing is not you but something about your health (very probably hormonal).

Sorting your health out through lifestyle changes is all well and good, but not everything can necessarily be fixed that way . And it's possible to go too far with the virtue and forget to let your hair down sometimes. I was really overweight and had dangerously high bp and post-natal anxiety after my second dc. It gave me a real scare, and kicked off a bit of health anxiety too. I think that's when my need for self-improvement started really.

My levels were all normal but HRT has given me way more energy and sertraline (antidepressant) the ability to be content.

The best advice I ever received was ‘give yourself the best baked potato’. It refers to the habit women have of giving out the best baked potato to male partner, the second best to kids, and leaving themselves the one covered in eyes, fork marks and dodgy bits. We are conditioned to put ourselves and our needs last. Giving yourself the best baked potato is a small step to changing that conditioning.

It is not selfish to put yourself and your needs ahead of anyone else. If you are not strong and balanced you cannot help others. Putting you first is one of the most selfless things a mother can do for the long term benefit of her family.

What I read is a bright, rather witty woman who is serving loads of peoples needs and that doesn't bring joy. So what does bring you joy OP? Do you write? Draw? Swim naked? What makes you laugh? Follow that!

Perhaps retrain? You sound very underemployed. So many bright young woman end up like the giving tree and it's not the road to fulfilment.

I really like this advice! I always give DH and DC the best potatoes and they never bloody notice.