to think most advice for changing your life is either trite or unsuitable for middle-aged mums?

[HobbleHeart]

Over the last few years, I've been trying to make changes in my life. What I really want to achieve is a significant shift in my own headspace; I want to stop feeling so worn down and to wake up in a morning and feel positive, rather than experiencing a weary feeling that I'm about to live through another day of constant battle.

I've been working on it slowly. I no longer drink alcohol and haven't now for over four years. I've got a regular exercise plan, and am now back to the shape and weight I was before my pregnancies. I've done new things, got involved in new activities and endeavours, volunteered and now have a formal community role, painted my house to reflect my inner core, met new people who are very different to me, gone beyond my comfort zone in so many things, and on the surface, I suppose I look like someone who knows what she is doing.

But, yesterday, I admitted to DH that I am deeply unhappy. I don't find much joy in anything. My life just seems like a never-ending road of effort and work (either poorly paid or unpaid), and it's eating away at me, and I'm permanently tired.

Most of the things that I've done to try and make changes have brought yet more obligations or responsibilities that I get nothing back from, and some of it is rather unpleasant. I've become one of those "local community" people who is expected to sort out a whole range of sometimes quite serious problems on a voluntary basis.

I've listened to God knows how many podcasts, and read so many books and blogs, looking for different implementable ideas to make change. I have notebooks full of "useful passages". I've done the ones I can do, but most of them are just unviable for a middle-aged married woman with a small child in school and a part-time job, who doesn't have a trust fund or a high earning partner.

And I'm starting to get a bit annoyed about it. I'M TRYING, GODDAMIT! But I'm still in pretty much the same spot as when I started, only I don't buy wine, some old clothes now fit, and I can say "my name is HobbleHeart" in Turkish.

Surely, somewhere out there is something that actually works. And I keep looking, but so little of it is relevant to me and the stuff that is, I've already done and it's just made things worse.

AIBU here?

I could’ve written your post. I’m almost 44 with 2 DC under 4 and work almost FT. Exhausted, burnt out and just think “is this it”.

following - have no advice as struggling with it myself - just gone into anti depressants/anti anxiety pills but not sure if they will do anything!

all I want to do in my very limited downtime is watch tv - but my DH thinks I should be doing more

There isn't really any fun in what you describe. There are things you think you 'should' do.
What things do you actually enjoy doing? Could be anything; reading, learning to ski, bounce classes, making cheese, going out with friends, trips to the cinema. Find things you like doing and start doing them regularly.
Cut out the things that don't bring you joy - the volunteering. Don't do it if you don't like it.
Your job sounds like it's really not fulfilling, can you look to change it?
It is worth checking your hormones, but it's not a magic wand. I am HRT and it is great, but it's not going to instantly make things better if the root cause is lack of enjoyment.

It sounds like you’re seeking a deeper purpose in life, perhaps through spirituality or formal religion?

@gracedentssketty really? Your DH thinks you should be doing more??

Honestly I think you need to have a think about what makes you happy! For me I get a genuine happiness from being out in nature, so in precious free time I wild swim, hike etc. I also love jigsaws for relaxation. Also having a drink with friends, being silly and letting your hair down IS relaxing and fun, despite all the advice about lack of drinking being good for you, I think every now and again it's probably not a bad thing... It honestly sounds like you've forced yourself to do different things, trying to improve yourself as a person, rather than carving out time for things that make you happy.

What made you happy before kids? Can you try and do some of that in a small way now? If none of things that used to make you happy (whatever they were) e.g. a music gig/outdoor stuff/a meal and drinks out, don't make you happy now and nothing seems to make you happy (even if it's only for a bit) then I would suggest seeing your doctor as that does sound more like depression.

@NiqueNique as in hobbies and not just slobbing watching the tv. He does a lot but I have the DC on my own 2 x days a week (though I have put eldest into nursery for 6 hours on one of those days now) and I don’t think he gets how hard that is (I work 28 hours over 3 days).

I would honestly rather work more than full time as I find it much easier!

Sorry for your losses OP. Grief can be very very draining in ways you don’t always realise.
Its not true AT ALL that you can’t ever take a bath or a lie in or a life with young children, most mothers can even lone parents ( I was one) can usually find a way, especially once kids are over 4 or 5. There are no gold stars for martyrdom so don’t listen to people who tell you that exhaustion and never doing anything for yourself are just how it is for mums. Agree with being in nature, gardening, swimming in the sea as things that make you feel good, but you should really take the time to examine what makes YOU feel good. You are allowed to put yourself first.

I identify with lack of joy too.

I have come to the realisation that I just have too much on my plate and some of it is external factors I can't help. Still wanting to get on housing ladder at 40, but impossible to save (and its now a really bad time to buy anyway even if I had a deposit). I'm sort of trapped in a boring FT job going nowhere, but it pays ok and is flexible. I feel like a totally different person after kids, and while some of that is a good thing, much of it feels like the life had been sucked out of me. I'm sorting of wishing my kids to grow up and my life away in order to have some mental space to find myself again!

OP, a lot of this self help stuff is bollocks to most people. It can help, but what you most need us to meet with people you like and to have a bloody good laugh! Connect with people. Stop trying to be perfect or be happy. Happiness really is just an absence of stress. So work on reducing that and finding something that interests you, just for the process and not an outcome.

I do get flashes of where I want to end up though. In the early days of the lockdown, I had a week where I woke up feeling light and alive. It was tremendous. I think it was because the world had stopped, and with that, all the expectations and obligations upon me had stopped too. It was like wild time, all fluid and not controlled by clocks or anything.

Oh wow I REALLY relate to this. There was a point early in lockdown where I perversely felt the most relaxed I have ever felt in my whole life. Being told that I literally couldn’t go anywhere or do anything was just so… freeing. Obviously that feeling didn’t last forever and nobody wants to be perpetually stuck at home and bored, but it was quite remarkable how different I felt for that brief period. ‘Stepping off the treadmill’ is exactly it.

I think what you and I both have to realise though is that the ‘treadmill’ is to some extent of our own making. Obviously you have your child and you genuinely ARE very busy and exhausted but it also sounds like you’re somewhat addicted to the ‘busyness’ and don’t known how to just ‘be’ (you and me both) - like you said, when you have a moment of downtime you sit around and feel stressed and don’t know what to do with yourself. I’m exactly the same. I don’t even have half the commitments you do and I still feel perpetually busy and burnt out and don’t know how to ‘relax’ even when I get plenty of time to, I just stare at my phone or find admin that needs doing, or sit around making myself feel guilty for not doing something.

I don’t know what the answer is but I am pretty confident it has to come from within us instead of something that’ll be fixed with a new hobby or a new cause, sadly!

it is a lie that you can have it all, time to work, exercise sleep cook everything from scratch do art and baking and craft and sport with your kids, all the housework all the life admin and volunteer and fix broken people, Any one who appears to have it all and do it all has helpor doesn't sleep
you need to care for your Daughter, you need to look after yourself you probably need to work for financial reasons and maybe for your own good too, you need to do some cooking and household chores but maybe not as many or as thoroughly as you maybe do.
Maybe take a month when you only do the absolute essentials ( no overtime unless compulsory) no extra visiting, no projects, no pushing yourself to do another mile whether it is exercise decluttering deep cleaning etc and then after a month you decide what you really want to add back in

Don't underestimate the impact of your recent bereavements. When I was younger I had two closeish family members die both at times when I didn't have the mental space to process it (3 days before starting uni and a week before my finals), and what happened was, looking back, I was low-grade sad for at least 12 months afterwards. Just living under a dark cloud.

Similarly when xh left I didn't have the space to cry let alone work on mending my broken heart, due to the dc, and I lost myself for a few years.

Perhaps if you decide on counselling you could spend time on that.

Omg.
Are you me?
Or, rather, a younger, thinner version of me!? 🙂
I'm 50 this year.
I've set up and run 2 x local community groups in the past 4 years.
All whilst grieving my lovely dad, working pt, 2 school age kids and a dh that works away.
1 x group died a death due to lockdowns and the venue closed.
I stopped running the other and just became a "regular" volunteer.
I'm also a school governor.
I'm now a carer for my mum too so had to give up my pt role.. I do occasionally work freelance but not often now....I'm just too tired.
My advice - such as it is - is to STOP.
Seriously. Stop the groups (if they are needed they will continue...)
Stop trying to be everything to everyone.
Because that way madness lies.
I'm working on losing weight and exercising more. I'm working on boundaries with my mum. I'm trying to spend more 1 to 1 time with dh.
I still find my life tiring and boring at times but most people do, don't they?
Small steps x

A lot of advice is quite difficult to implement once you have dependents, tbf.

I was once told by a staff member, none of her own children, working on getting us on course and back to work courses that I was worrying to much about childcare and it would sort itself out - DH was working other end of country during week and not 6 months before when he had a major accident both our families had turned round and told us we were on our own so if I couldn't sort it couldn't do the thing.

Another gem was why couldn't I let my three under tens wander round a massive public festival of thousands while I volunteered for free - as I wouldn't be allowed to keep them near me and had no childcare - I declined.

I think Op you should try an be proud that you have made some changes.

Though I do know what you mean - I have experience of volunteering and ended up backing away quickly as demands suddenly multiped.

The pre-school seemed doable fine till entire committee resigned and they tried to dump it all on me - another was when we moved here childcare to start with was an issue so looked at volunteer made it clear I needed to be around for childcare before/after school and holidays and almost immediately despite making it very clear that was an issue and constant pressure to do more.

My issue now kids are teen is more about working out how I am and what I enjoy - there was a thread in teenagers a while back where many felt like this - trying to move past intensive parenting years and feeling very lost.

I've also worked out I seem to be very easily influenced by people around me moods - can't brush it of like DH does or even not notice - no idea what to do that about that.

Your child is still so young. I have felt like this at points, and resonate with the lightness you say you felt when lockdown happened. I was completely ready for the pause it brought about.

I have tried to live more like it's lockdown which has helped me. I no longer host social events, I say no to things I don't want to do. In short I have given myself back some time to just be and do nothing - or do the things I enjoy. I have two children
10 and 8, and a husband, and they don't seem to mind the slowing down either.

I like solitary hobbies like reading and I sew which is my favourite. I also got my bike out and go on that sometimes. Now the children are older I am getting a bit more time to do those things.

What I trying to say is be what others may perceive as selfish and do what you want to do. Looking after a lively 4 year old is tiring and mentally draining but as they become more independent it does get easier. I hope you can find your spark again

OP what do you actually LIKE doing? Your posts are all about the chores you do, the listening to what you should do and doing it and hating it, but what can you actually lose yourself in?

I find I can go into an arts-driven frenzy quite easily; it is something I enjoy so much I forget time, sleep, food - just about anything. I will start a project at, say, 7pm and will suddenly realise it's 3am, I haven't had dinner yet and need to be up again at 7 (that's when the kids are with their dad; otherwise I might start at 9/10pm and go on until 6am...).

What is it you love doing that gives you a natural high?

Find that out and go from there; you will reap the rewards of energy and time and just so much inner satisfaction it's unreal.

OP "But even DH's family are constantly in a state of either fury, worry or misery, and I'm honestly not sure why. I think it's become a habit for them, and they no long notice that it's not really very normal.

On a wider level, the people I interact with on a regular basis don't do me much good. There's lots of odd motivations, and games played, and quite a bit of bullying, and I find navigating it all exhausting."

there is much of this going on atm. You've had lots of good advice but just wanted to highlight this. Please don't resort to yet more stuff to try and fix this. There are lots of external things in our lives that we can do nothing about.

I am childfree and very lazy and unmotivated so I can't say anything else helpful, but those passages jumped out at me. I'm constantly thinking a lot of people are just super weird right now. If you can restrict contact or avoid any of these people, then do!

Oh dear
I fear I killed a useful thread.

ignore me, people!

I don't think you killed it, but I'll take the hit if no one else posts. It was all me😀

Wonderful thread!

What's working for me:

HRT

Taking up a musical instrument

Learning to rollerblade

Good icecream

Realising that things are genuinely shit and unfair, and everyone around us is trying to make us feel guilty or flog us crap, and we just can't change much of that so best stop feeling blaming ourselves for the shitness

Occasional short spontaneous escapes

Lying in bed on a cool night with fresh sheets and all the windows open, just after a heatwave, listening to the night breeze

You may need to give yourself permission to be lazy. It’s difficult to find the time with a 4yo, but given your age, it may be even more important. It’s ok to get your partner on kid duty and spend a day doing nothing but watching bad movies in your pajamas. It’s ok to just sit down and goof around online for an hour, not because you find yourself doing it, but because you consciously decide to sit down and do it. The intention frees you of the guilt and increases the relaxation benefits.

I did it this weekend. I’ve been working like crazy. Between my job and the house and everything else, I just had enough. My child is old enough that I didn’t need to get my partner on point, I just told her to make herself cereal or find dad if she needed anything and sat down and watched two movies.

Thank you all for your comments. I've woken up this morning after nine hours sleep, and I'm just weary. I don't have much to do today apart from a bit of work and tidying up, but I still feel as though I've been run over.

And yes, I am underemployed. It's been an issue in my working life for twenty years. I've always worked hard, and, in my last full time job, I was that person that was lent out to other departments to fix failing or slow projects. But when I applied for posts slightly higher up the ladder, I was always "second" and never actually got the job.

At times, it's been slightly weird. The last job I went for, they actually told me I was the only applicant to fulfil the brief for the interview presentation. And I thought to myself: 'wait a minute, you hired someone for the job who didn't even do what you requested for the interview? How do you have any guarantee that when you ask that person to do X in post, you are actually going to get X, and not Y or B or a plastic flower stuck in a pot?'

The mind boggles.

I sometimes feel as though there's something I don't quite understand about the way things work (hence why I have pursued this "life change" line; I'm looking for what I must be persistently getting wrong). People are all too willing to dump huge amounts of responsibility on me, and some of it involving tens of thousands of pounds, but when it comes to recognising that in some way, either through remuneration, recognition or promotion, there always seems to be an issue. Maybe I am too agreeable? I dunno. I am not a fan of confrontation, and tend to be very calm about situations where someone has really crossed the line, but I recognise, with some incidents, I ought to have been more firm.

So what do I like doing? That one's a bit tricky. I used to like doing certain things, but I think I've either burnt them out through overdoing them to support all the rest of the shit, or they now take so much effort to organise, that it's just more work.

I don't think I am depressed. But I do think I've been steamrollered. And that steam roller has then reversed back over me, and driven over me again, and then reversed, and then driven over me again, so I am now very flat, like a soggy lasagne sheet on a kitchen floor.

The grief aspect, well ... one of the deaths was my mum. It was a massive shock, but there were things to do (writing the obituary and the eulogy, sorting out some of the arrangements, supporting my dad etc) and, you know, life doesn't stop. I still had a small child that had tantrums over what she wore, and work, and responsibilities.

In an ideal world, I'd go away somewhere for a week on my own. But we just don't have the money for that, what with the cost of living rises and DD's birthday coming up. We live a very modest life as it is.

Shit, I've got myself into a real hole.

What I would say is take your time to readjust your life. People said to me- you don't relax enough, you don't do enough fun things for you (I have two teens with issues). I didn't know what to do though, as I was running around like a headless chicken doing housework, work and running after them! It wasn't til I was forced to slow down as my body made me that I started, after a good many tears, to even begin to think about what I needed and how I might go about getting it. It's taken me ages to work out what I like to watch, what hobbies do and don't suit me, how I could socialize just a bit more and so on. This doesn't have to be something you start tomorrow and 'solve' (you sound like me!).

I would start though by making some more space. You've done some great volunteering, stopping now doesn't negate what you have done but it will free up some time to then start to think about what and how you would like to proceed. A life with no joy isn't right.

Also, you need time to research different options, like HRT, maybe talk with some friends, the GP.

You can't do everything, as someone else said on this thread, and I don't think there's a quick fix for this type of life dissatisfaction as you have to listen very very carefully to yourself, your body and your mind and as women, we are often not used to doing that, but just ploughing on through.

@gracedentssketty you're doing enough. There will a time for hobbies (if you want to have them) when your children are older and life hopefully isn’t quite as frenetic.

46 with a 4 yo would be exhausting!

What made the most difference to me was reading a book about happiness that said what we need/are lacking is PURPOSE.

It really clicked for me. Holidays/ food/ fun are nice but it's having a purpose to each day that makes life worth living.

The comments about lockdown made me think you should read 4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman - it isn’t really a self-help book, but it’s about exactly this sort of thing.

Are you a competitive person? Maybe not externally but within yourself? It sounds a bit like deep down you want to “win” at life by finding all the cheat codes to doing it “right”. But there is no right! We all make mistakes and we all die in the end.