Girls holiday booked but don't want to go

[britishgray]

I probably am being U, but I'm going on a girls holiday to Ibiza next month with 4 friends. We booked it a long time ago but as time is approaching I desperately don't want to go.

Every day I'm just filled with dread while thinking about this holiday, I have never been this desperate to get out of something it's physically making me feel ill!

There's a few reasons why I don't want to go, mainly because the friends I'm going with constantly argue and bicker when we're together so I know it's going to dampen the mood a lot, also it's going to be extremely expensive and tbh I don't have the money to spend, and thirdly I'm waiting for some hospital results which I'm not sure will come back before the holiday but this is another reason why my head is else where.

I know I can't really pull out now as we're going in less than a month, but was just hoping for some advice or any tips if anyone has been in a similar position?

As someone who gets anxiety attacks a lot with things like this, I’m just honest with my friends when I cancel plans and usually they’re pretty understanding… on the other hand, do you think you could push through it and you will probably feel fine and enjoy it once you’re there? You wouldn’t have booked it if you didn’t think you’d have a good time.

When arguing ensues, take yourself to the beach or pool, if at night, pop yourself back to the room.

You might find that you have the best time!

Please don't lie, if my friend said they had Covid or something like that I'd spend the holiday feeling a bit sad for them, I'd probably buy them a little something too and I expect I'd try and help them with suggestions e.g. flying out a bit later (if Covid). If they explained they just didn't feel like coming anymore I would understand and happily enjoy the holiday without feeling bad for them.

You describe a really close friendship op, which may be damaged and that would be such a shame. Meet up for a coffee and tell them how fragile you are feeling, you can’t stand any kind of bickering and are worried about your results.

They are close friends and care for you - talk it through and tell them you are considering not coming for all the reasons you have said, if you were my friend I would reassure you and help make the break super relaxing or encourage to stay at home if it’s better for you.

Don’t lie to them op, they will know and be hurt.

@wibblywobblybits
Another poster has already commented that yours was the biggest overreaction they've ever seen to a comment on mn so I will just agree with that!

I'm not "spicy" about being cancelled on, and tbh I rarely am -because I've got nice friends and family who a) aren't flakes and b) enjoy seeing each other. One of my examples was from my own recent experience but I was organising a hen for a friend, so while I found it frustrating when people dropped out, she was the one "cancelled on" and upset. The others are various examples from friends, family, work colleagues and on mumsnet.

I actually think it shows I'm a nice person because even if I'm not directly affected, stories, for example one I've heard where a woman missed her 50th because she was ill with cancer, so threw a big "I've survived/late 50th" party only to be really upset when spurious excuses started flooding in the last minute or even the day after, made me feel awful despite me neither being the canceller nor the person affected!

Tbh if you were one of my friends you're no great loss if you only prioritise yourself and your own happiness at all times. Surely all good relationships (family, friendship, romantic) and even a healthy society are based on give and take, sometimes doing things you wouldn't necessarily choose to do because it will make someone you care about happy?

Not selfish "me first" with the strong prioritising themselves, screw anyone else?

Because cancelling on things DOES affect others negatively which is why people should avoid doing it once they've committed to something unless absolutely unavoidable. I don't see how this is even a debate, let alone "nasty" or "selfish", surely its just basic good manners?

Well said!

@britishgray if she can’t understand that your mind is elsewhere because of the test results/potentially being ill, and will kick off despite this having very little impact on her (note that there will be no financial consequences for them) then you have different problems with your friendship

@latetothefisting @Tinkerblonde1 did you 2 see the bit where the op is waiting for some medical tests?

Yes...as in I saw the part where that was the third reason she didn't want to go, and hasn't specified what the tests are for, the severity of the medical issue, that they may not even come back by/during the time she is away, and hasn't said the results will require immediate treatment (which tbh is unlikely anyway given the current state of the nhs)

obviously op is under no obligation to disclose anything she doesn't want to but "aibu to not want to go away because I am awaiting cancer results and if its positive I will need to be free to start chemo immediately" is a bit different to "aibu to not want to go because x reason and y reason and also...I am waiting to hear back about if I will be suitable for laser eye treatment/am eligible for a gastric band" etc.

I.e. if the medical issues were the only or main reason she didn't want to go or could actually prevent her from going you'd expect OP to actually state that, which she hasnt either in her op or her subsequent updates. We can only respond to the info we are actually given!

Sorry all, I don't mean to hide what the medical results are for, reading back it looks like I'm being mysterious and trying to hide it!

Just for context I have had a biopsy so am awaiting the results for that, will probably be around 3 ish weeks. I'm sure it'll come back fine but it's still in the back of my mind which makes me not want to go, hopefully I'll get the results just before going to put my mind at rest.

Life is too short to force yourself into things you don't want to do, OP! Especially non-essential things like holidays!

You are allowed to change your mind, as is everyone else.

That said, I think I'd use Covid as an excuse if I was still dreading it close to the date. I know lying isn't ideal but it would spare your friends any upset attached to you just not wanting to go with them, even though their bickering is a large part of your dread, in fairness.

If you were going with just one person I'd say you defo needed to go but when it's a group I think you do get to decide for yourself, especially when you won't be financially burdening anyone else.

go onto any online travel insurance site. One of the first questions is 'are you waiting for the results of any medical tests or investigations'. Click yes and it'll come up with 'sorry we can't insure you at the moment'

Really good friends will understand or by default are not that good a friend. It will be a huge deal for you to get together with them and explain why you are dreading the trip. So put it in writing if you cant face telling them the truth, maybe you won't have to send it but put it all down. Leave it for a bit then look at it again and edit all the emotive parts just leave the facts. You might decide that after doing that you may be able to go and get some enjoyment out of it or you may decide to send it and ask them to modify their behaviour/or expectations of you if not, then cancel. No-one is going to hate you everyone has been blindsided by cost of living crisis but you also have medical issues they cant be argued away.

Agree with every word of this. The consequences for others aren't only financial.

Take several books. And let them argue while you smile serenely and enjoy the sun. Don't engage with it.

I would go. You might be surprised at how little they bicker on holiday and if they do, you tell them you're never going away with them again.

It's 4 days and a short flight.

@user1583920194858592910103848559201 thank you, but it's not 4 days it's a week we're going for

Sorry, I thought it said 4 days

Just do your own thing if it becomes too much for you over there. A good book or series on Netflix, boat trip or day out to the hippy market, a visit to the castle, horse riding in the mountains or a trip to the beach. There's so much to see and do in Ibiza that if you needed a break for a bit then you've got options when you're there.

@user1583920194858592910103848559201 that's okay, I just wanted to clarify that it was a week so that I don't seem like a drama queen making a fuss over 4 days haha!

Yes that's true, there is so much to do and I suppose the days always fly by when your on holiday don't they.

I think who ever your closest to in the group you should speak with and share your concerns and be honest. Other wise your not really that close to be going on holiday

Really hope your results come back OK OP, (and if they aren't that is of course a very different situation that any good friend would completely understand if you needed to cancel!) and that if you do go on the holiday you have fun. I agree with the pps - the things I dread and build up always work out completely fine (it's the things you don't even see coming that are the worst!) so hopefully it will all work out OK!

@latetothefisting thank you so much, and also for the advice! Yes I completely agree with that, sometimes we build things up in our heads but when they come around it's completely fine.

I'm sure it'll all work out, hopefully as I get closer I'll start to look forward to it a bit more

@britishgray Would you not bring it up with 1 or both of the bickering friends and ask them to sort it out or at least keep a lid on it for the holiday? Sounds like they need someone to point out how annoying it is

You should put yourself 1st op...what consequences will these bickering girls. have? None.

@AryaStarkWolf yes definitely, I always tell them when they start! I say bickering but it's more of a case of them getting fed up/irritated by each other and then going in moods with each other which just brings the whole mood down then - if that makes sense? It's not the bickering that's the problem really, it's the atmosphere that it creates.