Flawless SIL. Jealous

[veniceorna]

My SIL had a baby Sunday morning.

We were all beaming and excited. Couldn't wait to meet the baby! But none of us wanted to push it for a visit too soon so were waiting for an invite

My SIL asked if we all fancied Turkish Restaurant! We were shocked but jumped at the chance to see baby etc, wondering how SIL could possibly face it

There she was, arriving out of hospital and with us. Face full of flawless make up. Heels on. Dress on. She looked amazing. My niece with her and breastfeeding

What's more, my nephew was back that afternoon with her and she had nephew (5) with her too. My brother isn't really very hands on with him and struggles so God knows how she pulls it off

When I gave birth, normal Vagina delivery; I went home and ate biscuits for a few days in bed

My SIL had a third degree tear!

I was out for a meal twice in the week ds was born. Doubt I was flawless but it was my decision and we all had fun. DS slept the whole time.

Christ no I wouldn't take pleasure in that! That isn't where I was going at all with this thread

Good for her 😊

My experience was very different, but not all births are the same (or people for that matter) and I imagine with a second there is a sense of confidence that comes with knowing what's in store. Perhaps she wants to make the most of the sleepy newborn phase, when days out are a bit easier. In hindsight I wished I had done this as it's a lot harder going out with a super alert, nap refusing 4mo!

I'd be worried for her that she feels she needs to be so flawless after such a bad birth. Why doesn't she feel comfortable to rest and heal from birth at home?

It's the OP who is describing her as flawless. Maybe SIL just enjoys getting dressed up, as many women do? No need to pathologise it.

Years ago I went with my mum to a summer fete thing at a school where she lives, and my mum saw someone she knew, who had a tiny baby with her as well as her older child. My mum said 'Oh, congratulations! You were still pregnant when I last saw you! When did this lovely little one arrive?' and the woman said 'This morning.'

😱

Everyone's different, aren't they? Like people say - adrenaline rush, hormones and all that. I'm sure your SIL will be eating a lot of biscuits in her pyjamas as well over the coming weeks.

Perhaps she felt it would be easier to meet in a restaurant for a couple of hours with someone else cooking/ cleaning up, rather than than having to entertain at home-especially if her husband is -a lazy arse- not hands on.

Three day blues are a thing, and boy, that hormone crash is mean.

I remember an acquaintance I met up with had white jeans on after a few days, I was so confused & in awe. I wouldn't even dare to wear on my period!

Is jealous really the word you meant to use?

I think you totally come across as in awe of your sister in law and shocked/impressed. Which I would be too. Good for her! I was mostly lying on the floor sobbing at this point 🤣🤣

I felt great after birth both times, and had quite a bad tear first time round. Didn't really stop me doing anything though. Definitely quite teary on day 3. I did put makeup on for some photos as I wore make up every day when I was younger so it was a normal thing to do. Some people find it easier to give birth and recover from it than others! I count my lucky stars. I was young, fit and healthy so gave myself the best chance but it's certainly no guarantee.

Adrenaline and hormone rush? I’d be having a quiet word with her and her DH and advise rest and focus on themselves

What on earth? Why would you be so patronising and condescending? OP is clearly jealous (as she has said herself). The mother is doing brilliantly - let's not wish she was a mess and crying and unable to leave her bed (like me!).

After I had my second I was straight back up and out again. I had a tear too but to be honest compared to being pregnant with a toddler I found the newborn phase a bit of a doddle (and I had a hard birth and tore) She was a spring baby and my bump had been hidden under my winter coat, then snuggled away at the bottom of my Phil and Ted pushchair so a lot of people didn’t even realise I had another baby until she was about 6 months old!

I think the first one for many people you are shell shocked and so focused on keeping the baby alive and trying to figure out how to do that that you often don’t care about anything else. Maybe the second and third are easier because you know what you are doing.

Perhaps she’s thinking “I wish I had got myself up dressed and looking well and not had people making a mess of my house the first time” It’s probably her having the post birth experience she wants. I think I would have preferred a restaurant too, lots of food I didn’t have to cook. Especially in the first few days when a lot of babies are really nice and sleepy and not kicking off yet.

Good for her.

No one needs to be having a quiet word with her, people deal with birth and recovery differently, there's nothing wrong with staying in bed eating biscuits for 2 weeks if that's what you want to do, but if you don't then it's extremely patronising that anyone feels its necessary to pull that person aside for a "quiet word" to direct them back to their bed and their pyjamas.

I was up and about with a full face of make up and decent clothes as soon as we got home from the hospital (we were in for a few days as DS was a bit premature). I had lots of stitches but I was extremely lucky and they never really troubled me (never even needed a Paracetamol for them), and I recovered very quickly. I had postnatal anxiety and being stuck at home in my pyjamas would have been the absolute worst thing for my mental health. DH and I were out for a fancy lunch with newborn DS 3 days after getting home, I have very fond memories of that time, it was lovely. I had a difficult, horrible pregnancy, the joy of no longer being pregnant and having my baby safely here was enormous, I was desperate to show him off and being out and about was exactly what I wanted to do.

Not for every woman is childbirth a physical and emotional desaster .

But there is a trend here on MN that all women who seem to be 'to balanced and happy in themselves' or who 'seem to cope just fine' need to be taken down a notch.

I went to Sainsburys three days after DS3 was born with the 3 year old and the baby. Not a lot of choice really as Dad’s didn’t get paternity leave then. I doubt I’ve ever looked flawless though.🤣 Would have loved going out for a nice lunch.
My Mum stayed with us but she was 72 and didn’t drive. She was great at the cooking, washing and reading stories but not really upto chasing round after an active toddler.

I was fine after my first and I'd had a episiotomy. After months of PGP and being unable to walk much, it was a breeze. I was jumping around the ward waiting to get home.

I was not fine after a caesarean with my second.

She’s being clever…. Everyone gets to see baby in one hit, and not around the house. She’s just brought herself at least a week of peace time from relatives for the sake of a few hours of good food and being served on.

Why on earth would you be jealous of that?

I'd be more concerned that a) she wanted make up and heels after a 3rd degree tear and b) your brother is a prick.

Oh dear god, OP, don't follow this advice 🙄

Different things energise different people. Maybe going out is exciting for her? My mum dislikes walking… but when there are shops around can do it for hours! Some people like holidays abroad. DH hates them and doesn’t find them relaxing. Horses for courses - but I hope BIL is pitching in, because can be v hard at different stages

I could have done that with my second child as it was a quick birth and the contractions only started after a good night's sleep. I didn't have a serious tear though. I presume she was on strong painkillers though and maybe felt better in a restaurant than at home.

I had Hyperemesis and felt like I'd been poisoned for my enitre pregnancy, this cleared instantly on delivery and I felt amazing. We did so much in the 2 weeks DH was on paternity leave, lots of walks in snowy mountains, meals out, visits to PIL 1.5 hours away.

I was glam for about 1 month and then baby stopped being so sleepy, sleep deprivation hit hard and it was a rush until about 15/16 months.
If she's happy, supported, baby is doing well, just enjoy time with her and little one. Babies are hard and she may need some support in the future, she may not.

DC3 was in neonatal so I was pretty active almost from moment of birth (visiting baby for 12+ hours a day between being home with older 2 DC and all the other physical / emotional activity that comes with having a baby in NICU) but this was different.

I saw a mum from school outside a "naice" pub the day after giving birth to her 3rd child. They were having a posh pub lunch, the baby was nuzzling and the everyone looked so happy and well put together.