Family and friends not responding to fundraising challenge: TW pregnancy loss

[Mitski]

I have name changed for this. I recently had a pregnancy loss in difficult circumstances. It was one of many losses that I have had that have not been disclosed and, given the circumstances in which this is likely to be the last loss, I decided to undertake a fundraising running challenge. Most people have not responded at all to my two posts on it on social media, not even to share or like which is free, or to ask me how I am. The same with messaging people on what’s app- the majority read the message and did not respond. It may be that the grief is too raw still and I am taking it personally. It might be that people do not know what to say, so choose to say nothing, which is so hurtful. Friendship or acquaintance should not just be transactional, my rational brain tells me, but it hurts that I have given to so many different fundraisers for people over the years and checked in with people, or given my work/time in other ways. Generosity is not always financial, so I am staggered by the sheer amount of people I know who have not even asked if I am ok or to wish me well. I am trying to rationalise that people are wrapped up in wider or more pressing concerns to them.
AIBU to feel this way? Or should I accept that we are in the midst of a public compassion fatigue?

I can't answer why people are not responding to the messages you've sent, but for the posts on social media - there's a good chance people genuinely haven't seen them due to the algorithms.

I'm sorry for your loss I suspect your friends are struggling to find the right words, to condole with you without upsetting you. They should be reaching out to support you, even if it's only with a very simple condolence, but not everyone has the life experience to know when it's better to say something than nothing.

Re. the fundraiser - I think this is a difficult time to get people to donate, what with most people being in a state of dread about what the winter will bring in terms of energy bills and the cost of everything rising. Personally I am trying to save every penny, and couldn't commit to anything charitable that isn't part of my 'regular' giving which I may in itself have to review, sadly.

I hate being hassled for fundraisers. I give to charity monthly. I do support some fundraisers if they are something that means something to me personally. Money is tight, some people are struggling and don’t have extra funds.
I would never share a fundraiser if I hadn’t supported with money, I’d feel like a fraud.
I think you’re taking this personally as it’s such a sensitive subject to you.

I'm sorry for your pain OP.
Tricky question though.
I see fundraisers on fb regularly, I always ignore them. I give by standing order to 2 charities a month and support local events.
My dsil did a parachute jump and after researching I found that the first £300 raised paid for the jump. To me the jump was more a bucket list tick for sil so I didn't sponsor.

I think protect yourself, your friends and family will not understand your correlation between the fundraiser and what it represents to you.
Not asking how you are though is tough and a little unkind of people.

It was one of many losses that I have had that have not been disclosed

Do you mean you actually have never told these people about your loss and now have just shared a fundraising campaign with them? Could it literally just be that they don’t really understand the link?

Yanbu to want to do this fundraiser - I assume you are fundraising for a baby loss support or research charity? I think it's a brilliant thing to do and I hope it will help you to process your grief and build up some positive memories.

It's impossible to say whether or not yabu/yanbu with regards to your family and friends reaction. I can think of a million reasons why I might not immediately contribute to a particular appeal immediately, though I do usually finally get around to it when it's the day of the event itself.

When I did my first big fundraiser activity I briefed 3 close friend & family members that I was about to do this, and chatting

Sorry for your losses.
I think we are experiencing compassion fatigue. Sometimes my Facebook feed is literally post after post asking for donations of time, money or donations.
Your request quite simply won't be the only one your friends and family have seen recently, add to that the number of ads on TV asking for monetary donations and you can see why people start being blind to them.
I am assuming they have asked you how you are in real life (apologies if not) so they probably don't feel the need to comment again on social media?
It is a shame for you but I don't think it is personal.

Also I agree with PP, I just flat out ignore just giving fundraisers. I have some charities who’s work is close to my heart, but frankly if I cared about the charities close to everyone else’s heart I would be broke so I just don’t even look at them tbh.

Sorry I pressed post instead of delete to edit a word.

Chatted to them about what it meant to me and how it would help, and asked if they would please make a pledge of whatever amount they felt able within the first day after launch.

No one likes to be the first to give on these appeals as if you give £10 and everyone else gives £50 you look mean

Is your pregnancy loss known to all family and friends?

i am inundated with fundraising requests. I disregard them all unless a) I am very close to the person b) anything to do with dementia

so I afraid that unless I was very close to you - I would not have donated

And I never ever ever share

I'm sorry for your loss. If you haven't told them, how would they know the personal reason you're doing this event?

Have to be honest i wouldn't make the link. I don't often share or comment on fund raising things - one or more of my friends is always fund raising for something and i can't possibly donate to every one.

Personally? I would ignore the fundraising stuff. I find it inappropriate.

If i knew you very well I'd have texted or called, not contacted you on sm for all the world to see.

I'm very sorry for your loss, do you have people you can talk to about it?

To add, i would never in a million years see a fund raising thing and ask the person about their personal reasons for doing it.

Thank you everyone. The challenge is for 30 days running and not a bucket list type thing at all. It was difficult sharing something that private but I explained that I had had the loss and that I was raising money in memory and to help with research. Perhaps I am in the minority for giving to most causes that other share with me. I can see now that something that is so personal to me might not be something that other people want to contribute to, although I still don’t see why people would read and not ask if I am ok.

Limited funds op

and I am afraid on the limited funds I have to donate to charity - pregnancy loss (unless for very close friends or family) is not a priority for me. Dementia is. Nothing wrong with that. My choice. Same with your friends

Ask if you’re ok?

good grief op. Presumably the people you want to know, know already.

why on earth do you want Facebook friends to message you about your loss?

Also, there are some people who might feel that if they first hear about this ongoing grief via a social media post, that must mean that you don't consider them to be particularly close. If there's anyone like this in your life, maybe a 1:1 chat where you say that you are sorry they didn't hear about it personally first, but that you found it too difficult to introduce the subject.

I am very sorry for your loss

But it strikes me that your posting asking for fundraising donations was also motivated by wanting to tell people about your loss.

and not you’re disappointed they haven’t.

anyone you want to know - you should tell personally .

I really have to cherry pick what I give to at the moment. My income barely covers my outgoings (and my outgoings are low).

I tend to ignore 'lazy' fundraising (ie people letting Facebook do the work), 'bucket list' fundraising (eg sky dives, walking the great wall of China etc) and people getting sponsored for doing something that I know they do a lot of anyway (eg walking, cycling, swimming etc).

If I do a fundraiser, I do something where the person donating also benefits in some way. So think things like bake sales, selling a book (maybe recipes, a local guide, a story, colouring books), using skills that you have (selling prints/postcards of your own artwork, donating your time to do nails or massage, if you play or sing, a mini gig), host a dinner party etc.

I’m afraid like others I would scroll by & not read so I’d likely not see what you had written. Even if I had I’d not contact you directly as if my only way of finding out about your loss was via a fundraising post on SM I’d assume we were not that close and I’d feel uncomfortable contacting you as you hadn’t personally told me. Surely you have reached out to your close/family and friends out with the fundraising and they are supporting you? Try not take the lack of fundraising support to heart, people just don’t have the spare money.

Or I just…. Donate. No one knows other than… me.

This I'm afraid. I also ignore fundraisers on SM, and I NEVER repost any of them, or those messages saying "let's see how many of my friends care about cancer/Alzheimer's/kidney disease ....." etc.. a blanket policy of never engaging with them is a better solution than supporting some and not others for me.

And yes, FB algorithms mean we simply don't see posts from many people.

I scroll past all just giving / fundraising type posts without reading or even registering who they are from. They are constant and I just don't have the money for constant giving.
I also tend to ignore DMs asking for me to click on links to raise money for anything.

I get a ridiculous number of requests for donations from colleagues and acquaintances. DH and I agreed years ago we would each pick two small charities to donate to each month and not respond to impulse appeals. So I just scroll by and wouldn't have read your request and realised it was connected with your own experience. If the request comes via WhatsApp its harder to ignore, and puts people on the spot basically. Your friends might have felt awkward messaging you to offer condolences or ask how you were without donating so just ignored out of embarrassment. Or they may not have read the message properly, just seen it was a request for money and not opened the link.