Family and friends not responding to fundraising challenge: TW pregnancy loss

[Mitski]

I have name changed for this. I recently had a pregnancy loss in difficult circumstances. It was one of many losses that I have had that have not been disclosed and, given the circumstances in which this is likely to be the last loss, I decided to undertake a fundraising running challenge. Most people have not responded at all to my two posts on it on social media, not even to share or like which is free, or to ask me how I am. The same with messaging people on what’s app- the majority read the message and did not respond. It may be that the grief is too raw still and I am taking it personally. It might be that people do not know what to say, so choose to say nothing, which is so hurtful. Friendship or acquaintance should not just be transactional, my rational brain tells me, but it hurts that I have given to so many different fundraisers for people over the years and checked in with people, or given my work/time in other ways. Generosity is not always financial, so I am staggered by the sheer amount of people I know who have not even asked if I am ok or to wish me well. I am trying to rationalise that people are wrapped up in wider or more pressing concerns to them.
AIBU to feel this way? Or should I accept that we are in the midst of a public compassion fatigue?

People are watching their money at the moment, lots of people don't have any disposable income. There are always at least one or two people I know fundraising, if I gave to them all out would cost more than I could afford.
In terms of checking in on you, I wouldn't expect that response from a fundraising request. If you want to share your experience with friends for support you need to initiate that conversation.

Are you already a runner or is this new for you?

I'm a runner and I know a lot of runners. This means I get a lot of requests for money. I just can't do them all. When it's something personal to someone I know well, I give generously, but I admit I do ignore the general requests on SM.

this absolutely. I know this from my own experience of a different painful loss.

If you want people to ask if your ok then why expect it over SM. If i have gone through something so painful as this, my close friends and family would know and I would reach out to them to express how you are doing. People dont want to always reach out, some people dont know what to say or do and find it awkward messaging someone about it. I am sure they care but maybe are respecting your privacy.

You seem more bothered about people messaging you than the fundraiser. Also i ignore fundraisers. If someone directly messages me about it I would consider it but not a generic copied and pasted message to everyone.

I am sorry for your loss.

I have had a loss and I am now infertile. I wouldn't reach out to you because I personally have dealt with this privately and I don't like a fuss. We all deal with these things in different ways and I imagine that many of your friends are unsure whether to reach out or not.

As for the fundraising, sorry but I never give money to these. They are all over SM and i don't even read the posts anymore. I only give money to charities that I have researched and have some connection to. And with inflation at such high levels most people have experienced a drop in disposable income.

Sorry for your loss.

I never donate to fb fundraisers, I see them all the time. It’s not a personal thing at all. I simply support other charities of my choice and it kind of irks me to be hassled to give, in the same way as doorstep charity cold calls piss me off.

Also, given the current state of things, people are more worried about how they will pay their energy bills than having much spare to give.

Im very sorry for your loss OP.

However SM is maybe not the best place to tell people about such a loss for the first time. I expect if you'd told more people in RL first, and then put up the fundraiser, there would have been a much better response.

But as many others have said many people are skint, expect to be skint or already donate to their chosen charities. I'll admit I ignore Facebook fundraisers too.

I had 4 MC's in my younger days and they were devastating. If you haven't been to a counsellors, please consider it. I went straight into pregnancy with all the anxiety and trauma of the MC's and then experienced terrible MH when my baby was born. I'm sending you a big hug...hope things turn around for you and prioritise getting good support- not via SM. XX

I've had a miscarriage, it's something like 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage or something isn't it? It's really really common and amongst my friends it's the minority who haven't had one non viable pregnancy.

I'm all for people being open and honest about having miscarriages I think it needs to be spoken about more so that women go into pregnancy with realistic expectations about the chances of pregnancy loss. It's a 'thing' now in a way it never used to be because of early sensitive pregnancy tests meaning women know they are pregnant much much earlier.

As little as 30 years ago you quiet often needed to have missed two periods before anyone would even consider testing you, any early pregnancy losses would mostly just have been considered a weird period.

I'm afraid I see fundraisers of this type as being a bit attention seeking. Sorry. I would respond positively to you raising awareness on social media of the above type information though as I think that probably has more of an impact that collecting a couple of quid from acquaintances on Facebook.

I think we are all conditioned these days to see fundraising for a linked charity to be a way to make something that was awful for us make some sort of sense. I always give to friends who are raising funds for a condition which has personally touched them or their families and to friends where doing the run itself is a big thing. I don't know why you have had such a poor response,probably for all the reasons other posters have mentioned. Could you turn your mind away from the fundraising and hope for condolences and make it something you are doing for yourself, to demonstrate you are strong and increasing your fitness after this physical and mental trauma? You don't need anyone else to feel good about yourself ( well, you should certainly tell yourself this). It is no mean feat to run ever day for 30 days and you should feel justifiably proud of yourself just for that alone.

Perhaps I am in the minority for giving to most causes that other share with me
Yes, perhaps you are. We can all only give so much, and for me; that means choosing my favourite causes, not giving to anyone who asks.
I have three charities I support, chosen carefully, they're important to me. Not whatever someone else's current whim may be.

Perhaps I am in the minority for giving to most causes that other share with me

I am asked on a weekly basis to contribute to fundraisers-I never do. I can’t possibly afford to donate to everyone and wouldn’t know where to start. Perhaps you have fewer requests than me, perhaps you earn more money that me-I’m sure you can understand people are in different predicaments. Financially, times are very very hard for a lot of people right now and fundraising just isn’t a priority over putting petrol in the car or paying bills.

If you're part of a running community a 30 day RED streak isn't really anything "special". Lots of runners do that every January, for example.

I agree with others you need to separate your need for support from the sponsorship requests. I wouldn't contact an "aqaintance" because of a fundraiser they put up, but I'd like to think I'd be there for people I'm closer to. Talk directly to one or two people about your loss.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I NEVER respond or contribute to fundraisers I am afraid. I do my bit for charity both in terms of a monthly contribution and a regular volunteering gig, and I do not advertise it. Apart from my own family and very close friends, no one knows I invest three weekly hours and a monthly overnight for a suicide charity, and have been doing so for the last 9 years.

If your news about your sad loss was embedded within the fundraising request, then that would have made things very awkward for people who would have liked to reach out to you but not necessarily take part in the fundraiser.

Also as other posters have mentioned, times are very tough for most people and we're all looking to make some savings here and there. Unfortunately charities are going to suffer massively.

That's really sad. I get PPs saying that money is tight etc.. but to not respond at all i think is really poor. Social media i wouldn't be so worried about (as PP said, they may not have seen it) but i'd feel let down by people ignoring me on whatsapp. Sorry for your losses.

I also worry about where the line is. I sometimes do one if it's a cause I like to support or because of personal circumstances I'm aware of, but who am I to choose which ones are most important? Then if people know I supported one but didn't support theirs....

I think what PP have said about it not being enough of a challenge is probably part of it. If maybe you prepared for an organised 5k, 10k or Half Marathon people might see this as something they might donate towards.

Also, be genuinely grateful for ANY donations.

When I started running I did an organised Womens’ Running 5K event and I think people were amazed I did it 🤣. When I (eventually) got to Half Marathon distance I did it locally and for a charity that affects me and raised over £1200.

Scroll forward 3 years and a few more HMs without asking for donations to this year where I did another fundraiser for a different charity and I raised £385. It is what it is. People’s pockets are lean at the moment, but the charity were still so grateful.

Perhaps I am in the minority for giving to most causes that other share with me.

In the workplace, there's regularly >20 a week. Social media, I couldn't begin to count and I don't have accounts, they're just items I see or crowdfunders to which I'm alerted.

I have donations I make and I sort through crowdfunders. I'm keeply my monthly subscriptions/donations but the crowdfunders will be reduced. I doubt I'm alone in that.

Sorry for y our losses OP.

But, kindly, I think YABU. I most often ignore these types of fundraisers. As others have said, there are SO many on SM all the time - someone is always raising for something with some half arsed activity (recently saw someone wanted to be sponsored for a pub crawl) and I give to specific chosen charities.

If a friend posted to inform friends about their loss the way you did I am not sure I would have commented either. It's tricky to know what to say, or what the circumstances are, or whether that person wants people to reach out. I think if you want to share with your friends and get some support you need to try reach out to them (without asking for money).

I agree if a direct message. But if it's a group one asking for money to all contacts I am not sure it's terribly different to a SM post.

I think the issue may be that you've linked the two things. I'd probably react to a post talking about your loss, but as it is linked to a fundraiser I'd worry about you wondering why I haven't donated. Whereas if I ignore the post I hope you'll assume that I haven't seen it.

I'm really sorry for your losses. I had a stillborn baby late into pregnancy, and honestly I don't think that some people know how to respond/react to it. I had everything from get well soon cards, to people actively avoiding me. I will never forget receiving a lovely card from a daughter of one of my mums friends whose baby had died a few days after birth - she just "got" it even though she barely knew me.

Don't take it personally although it's really hard not to. Do your challenge for yourself and embrace what it means to you

I've had a miscarriage, it's something like 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage or something isn't it? It's really really common and amongst my friends it's the minority who haven't had one non viable pregnancy.
This, too...

Hi OP. I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I decided awhile back that I would only contribute to fundraisers organised by close friends, it's just not financially viable to contribute to all of them that I see. With the likes of Facebook and justgiving its much easier to organise and share them nowadays and therefore there's so many more of them.

In addition it's been 5 years since my traumatic miscarriage and it's still difficult for me to talk about. I only did/do so in specific circumstances and to people close to me. Likewise I would really only offer support to people who were close to me. I wouldn't donate to fundraisers either, I donated to charities that helped me when I was going through it at the time. It's not that I don't care, it's that I just can't revisit that chapter of my life too often.

I see fundraisers quite often for SANDS, Tommy's and 4Louis as well as some of the smaller charities like beyond Bea. I give privately and I give my time but it isn't always possible to donate to every fundraiser I see.

I'm so sorry for your loss, baby loss is such a hard one to navigate because whilst it's a common occurrence people respond in different ways. ❤️

If you're not already, seeing if you've got a local sands meeting might be worthwhile? They often circulate the local fundraisers by email and the meetings are a good way if getting in touch with people in the same place as you and finding support.

OP, I am so sorry for your losses and YANBU to want to raise money if it helps you feel better, but with the greatest compassion, YABU to expect others to sponsor you especially if they don't know that the cause is personal to you.

I used to sponsor friends and their kids etc, and then DD did a 25 mile bile ride aged 9, for the local children's hospice and nobody sponsored her. At that point I stopped sponsoring other people so your friends/family could be the same.

I now do regular donations to the local hospice after they cared for a dying friend, and the local air ambulance after they have helped several friends, and that is it.

It is also times where people are watching every penny that they have, so not a great time for begging for charity.

Again I say with the greatest compassion, that I think you are being oversensitive about them not sponsoring you.

If you need emotional support then reach to to a support group, or post on here, or start to talk to your friends and family about it.

I know how raw it is, a friend suffered several losses before giving up, and the pain is always just below the surface with her. She had some counselling which did help her a bit.

Take care