Family and friends not responding to fundraising challenge: TW pregnancy loss

[Mitski]

I have name changed for this. I recently had a pregnancy loss in difficult circumstances. It was one of many losses that I have had that have not been disclosed and, given the circumstances in which this is likely to be the last loss, I decided to undertake a fundraising running challenge. Most people have not responded at all to my two posts on it on social media, not even to share or like which is free, or to ask me how I am. The same with messaging people on what’s app- the majority read the message and did not respond. It may be that the grief is too raw still and I am taking it personally. It might be that people do not know what to say, so choose to say nothing, which is so hurtful. Friendship or acquaintance should not just be transactional, my rational brain tells me, but it hurts that I have given to so many different fundraisers for people over the years and checked in with people, or given my work/time in other ways. Generosity is not always financial, so I am staggered by the sheer amount of people I know who have not even asked if I am ok or to wish me well. I am trying to rationalise that people are wrapped up in wider or more pressing concerns to them.
AIBU to feel this way? Or should I accept that we are in the midst of a public compassion fatigue?

I always ignore fundraisers, there are just so many. I also wouldn't like or share the post or I'd worry I would be setting up an expectation that I would follow this up with a donation.

I also wouldn't comment on the post asking how you are, FB isn't the right place do to that imo but I would ask you how you are if I saw you.

Sorry if you said this already and I missed it (it's early!) but did you explicitly explain why you'd chosen that charity? Or did you do the "this is a cause close to my heart" type thing? If the latter, maybe they're just unsure if they should be assuming anything - it could be your family member or friend who had suffered losses.

To be honest now I think about it, I'm not sure that message a friend either even if they had explained the reason behind choosing the charity. Certainly not because I don't care, but because I'd be worried about saying the wrong thing. I'd assume that if they'd not mentioned it before and the fundraising was the first I'd heard of it that perhaps they didn't want to talk about it. I'd also think that if you were fundraising that you'd probably done some healing, and I wouldn't want to drag you headspace back into it.

I wouldn't read too much into it, but I understand why you are. It must be difficult.

Sorry for your losses though OP

Sorry OP but this came over very strongly to me too.

From what you've written here, it feels as if you're actually more upset about people not messaging you to pass on their sympathy rather than the actual fundraising.

You've indicated that events are still pretty recent, I think it's probably just all too raw for you. Is there someone you can talk this through with to get a bit of ongoing support?

I wouldn't respond via SM either. I would if I was chatting to you in person or maybe if we were chatting online about other things.

Op it’s an admirable sentiment and effort but barely anybody has anything left for donating at the moment and honestly really bad timing for that idea since we are coming up to massive energy bills and uniform shopping to fret about.

These types of fundraising posts will be scrolled past all the time and the content not even noted so I wouldn’t be offended.

Sorry for your loss

It’s really hard fundraising through a challenge. I’ve done it a few times and I understand your frustration. My last time I added extra incentives - eg added a prize for “guess the time” and did a cake sale that sort of thing. I think there’s so many people doing fundraising people do scroll past without reading and right now people haven’t as much spare money. Only if it was a charity close to my heart would I donate now and that may be completely different to charity close to yours. However I did find each time I shared on social media I’d get one or two donations. I think some people genuinely intend to donate but then forget.
I’m sorry for your loss and there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing - even if you only raise a little bit it’s a good thing you are doing. And I hope it helps you mentally too.

I'm so sorry about your loss.

Honestly as someone said, I am a bit low on funds and I couldn't face messaging someone acknowledging their fundraiser without donating. How bad does that look?

Goodness talk about seeing shadows where there are none.

i wasn’t thinking you create a fanfare. I was listing another way to make a contribution to your list.

I think you’re spot on in that people have no idea what to say so they say nothing.

Also with the cost of living crisis people are really feeling the squeeze. I have had points where I couldn’t have given you 50p let alone anything substantial. It’s always good to launch these things at the end of the month when people get paid

Some of these comments are really not called for!!!!!

Oh OP, I feel for you so much. So sorry for your loss 💔 and what a wonderful and positive way of coping to set up that fundraiser. ❤️❤️

I agree with what others have said, that I think the issue here is that , in a way, you were looking for a means to share your news to receive support, but by attaching it to a fundraiser, others haven’t understood the underlying message that you need support, and have just received it as a direct request for money. People are awkward about pregnancy loses anyway (it’s shit but unfortunately true), as for some messed up reason it’s still considered a little bit taboo, and people can be very awkward about requests for money. There was a pp who set out all the reasons why people might not have responded - being broke but not sure how to respond without donating money/ not knowing how recent a loss/ presuming you are ok, etc - and I totally agree with all of these. The most important thing for you to understand is - as shit as it is (and you have every right to be hurt!) - it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Maybe they are awkward , embarrassed, broke, stingy, oblivious, etc…, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care ❤️. Of course it’s hurtful, but in your shoes I’d start reaching out to people one on one, not about the fundraiser, but just to chat and share how you are feeling, and get what you really need which is care and support xxx

Like others have said, I never give to fundraisers on Facebook and if someone’s experience was linked to the post about the fundraising, I’d probably be a bit less likely to ask about it. But if we had a private exchange on messages etc, like if you suggested lunch/ coffee and mentioned that you had had a difficult time I’d be much more likely to check how you were doing. I’d hope I would check in anyway if I knew you were struggling but genuinely I might not have completely realised.

Ah, your post did not come across that way. Usually someone if they were agreeing would say something like 'This', before saying 'or'.

Thank you for the clarification. Donating is definitely another good option.

I've seen other friends share fundraising or articles and say in them "I've had a loss" and I'm never sure if that means recently or at some stage in the past. So I have never thought to check in with them because I don't know if it is new and raw - in fact I tend to read it as it must have been something in their past that they have processed and are now able to look to the future. You also mentioned you haven't disclosed other losses. So I think it's just that people simply don't realise the current situation, if that's the way you've worded it.

Most of my friends who I know of who have had miscarriages have kept them largely a secret, I haven't had a miscarriage so it's not possible for me to understand the impulse, but I do think it adds to the taboo/secrecy of it all and makes it harder for people in your situation. Not criticising anyone as it's obviously a super common reaction.

Many women suffer losses and feel its too close to home. My own mother had a stillborn baby and even now its still raw and painful. It might be that people suffer with their own pain. She wouldn't get involved in anything related to that because of her own experience.

It was very clear in the fundraising link that it was related to my loss and how recent the loss was. It was a way of sharing it in a way where I could explain what had happened, but also explain that the fundraising was a way of helping both me and the charity. It was not a very typical thing for me to do at all, in terms of explaining something so personal. The challenge time was set by the charity. I think that I am upset by both lack of money raised and also someone not sending a reply to a direct message, although I am understanding more from these messages here the explanations why. I do struggle sometimes with understanding people (ASD) and this is an acute example.
I’m sorry for those who have had all types of losses that some are seen as being less meaningful than others- I’m not sure there is necessarily such a correlation in the grief response.
It seems from the mixed posts here that there are different expectations of what people have to do to raise money. The mileage I set myself whilst physically recovering was quite high and running was not something I would usually do, although I am sporty, so maybe not seen as ‘enough’ performance for the money, to some people. I’m going to take a step back now, but will continue with the challenge and thank you for the mostly supportive posts.

I'm afraid most people are just skint

So so sorry for your loss

It is upsetting if some friends/acquaintances ignore you.

But if this isn't a cause that resonates, they're unlikely to donate anything. For me, I only donate to things that I'm particularly moved by. Maybe they scrolled without noticing and it wasn't deliberate? Who knows.

Why is it upsetting if an “acquaintance” ignores you?

I think a lot of people are just worried about money and counting every penny at the moment.

First off sorry for your loss the problem at the minute is people don't have spare cash and I often have 2 or 3 of these fundraisers come up on my Facebook daily which obviously I ignore as I can't just donate to everything. The part about people reaching out to you do they even know I have a few hundred people on my social media and unless I specifically posted about it on my social media there is no way they would know as there is only a handful of them people I actually speak to regularly in real life. If you did post specifically about it there is still a good chance a lot didn't see it due to algorithm or them just not using social media regularly. I understand how you feel but honestly it genuinely won't be anything personal xx

Why is it upsetting if an “acquaintance” ignores you?

If it's a coworker or someone you see regularly, then you'd think they'd at least ask, maybe. Maybe you're not so bothered. Op is sensitive if she just had a loss!

I'm sorry for your loss. It's great that you're fundraising.

However, now is not the time to ask people for money. No matter the cause, it's likely just going to piss them off if they're already struggling with bills or worrying about prices increasing. Yours probably isn't the only post they've seen that day. Everyone is doing them for various charities.

I understand why it feels personal, but it's not.

First of all I am really sorry for your loss.

As to why they are not responding it could be a mix of a lot of things - facebook not pushing your message.

It could be that they don't check social media often (last time I checked about 50% of my facebook feed is adverts/ promoted stuff, 40% is reposted memes and 10% is actual news of friends (usually not life changing news) - so I rarely check social media these days (maybe once every few weeks). Are your friends actually active on facebook? As people have said maybe you need to approach them personally instead.

Regarding the money..

It could be that they have a lot of fundraising requests at the moment or not enough money.

It could also be because they have decided that they don't want to engage with online donation sites like JustGiving anymore. A few months ago I gave to one and the site added an 'admin fee' (15% of donation!) which I only saw after I had already agreed to the donation (it might have been because I checked the giftaid box - and I confess I didn't read the small print before clicking go). I had already stretched myself to make the donation (it was a very good cause - similar situation to yours), but could fortunately just afford the extra 'admin fee' on top. I have decided to in future to make a donation straight away directly to the nominated charity. I suppose that I could then tell the person running the collection, but not sure if that is crass.

because its difficult/embarassing to say that they won't be donating to your challenge? I am sorry for your loss and sadness but I dislike and never respond to or share such things. I know this sounds harsh.