Family and friends not responding to fundraising challenge: TW pregnancy loss

[Mitski]

I have name changed for this. I recently had a pregnancy loss in difficult circumstances. It was one of many losses that I have had that have not been disclosed and, given the circumstances in which this is likely to be the last loss, I decided to undertake a fundraising running challenge. Most people have not responded at all to my two posts on it on social media, not even to share or like which is free, or to ask me how I am. The same with messaging people on what’s app- the majority read the message and did not respond. It may be that the grief is too raw still and I am taking it personally. It might be that people do not know what to say, so choose to say nothing, which is so hurtful. Friendship or acquaintance should not just be transactional, my rational brain tells me, but it hurts that I have given to so many different fundraisers for people over the years and checked in with people, or given my work/time in other ways. Generosity is not always financial, so I am staggered by the sheer amount of people I know who have not even asked if I am ok or to wish me well. I am trying to rationalise that people are wrapped up in wider or more pressing concerns to them.
AIBU to feel this way? Or should I accept that we are in the midst of a public compassion fatigue?

People are struggling to make ends meet atm. Everyone knows the cost of living is skyrocketing as well. Throw in charity fatigue and you need to accept that not everyone is able to donate cash, regardless of the cause.

Im low income, have lost everything and been broke and homeless before... I now have saving (incase that happens again) but I dont have 'spare' money, Im frankly not in a position to be giving to charity because Im barely one step above charity myseld (as are a lot of people with these rising prices).

Pregnancy loss is a cause personally close to my heart (after a loss myself) and I help out with pregnancy loss support and advice groups.

Thing is I know from that that most people have had a loss that effected them and the problem is some people think 'it shouldnt be taboo, we should talk about it' but 50% of people dont want to and are traumatised to be bombarded with it and they have a right not to have to be constantly reminded of their trauma.

My view is you should NEVER personally message people with things like this, you dont know what they are going through.

I went through 10 years of infertility and a loss, we where on holiday trying to escape that (our only ever big holiday as just a couple). I used the internet in the hotel to quickly check facebook one day to be confronted by an email from an aquaintence asking me to donate to her abortion fund.

It fucking crushed us and brought back all the horror of our loss and the years of trying in one instant punch to the gut ruining what had been a plesent holiday (I can still remember the feeling of that crushing weight suddenly landing on me) and there was zero need for a girl we met twice and hadnt seen in years who had no clue about our situation to drop that on us.

There was just recently the Gaming for Good chalenge, we signed up but failed to raise any money too but I refuse to shake down people, thats not how charity works and knowing many of my friends have gone through loss and/or infertility (even the ones that dont talk about it, I have gone through it myself and worked with charities enough to spot the subconcous signs/situations a mile off) I refuse to pick at that wound (or possible wound) just for a few quid.

sound say facebook message not email

I’m very sorry for your loss.
i totally get that this challenge is beneficial to your physical and mental health and wish you all the best in this journey.

i agree that times are hard, and many people are watching every penny. And also that fundraisers are so prevalent on social media that folk just automatically scroll past.

like others, I support two charities close to my heart by direct debit each month. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if I was to support a fundraiser, I’d be looking for one that had a tangible benefit, such as a sponsored litter pick.

Exactly this. I don't even glance at fundraising posts, and assume the text at the top will be the default 'means a lot to me' paragraph. I only donate to one area of charity anyway. If I noticed someone announcing such a personal thing on SM (while requesting money) I'd think I wasn't meant to see that post, must be for close relatives only, who would already know. Not my place to comment or message.

I do not see most posts of friends and family on social media.

I'm sorry for your loss OP 💐

Should I accept that we are in the midst of a public compassion fatigue?

I would also add that we're in the midst of a cost of living crisis that is affecting people from most walks of life, with the cost of basic necessities such as food, electricity, petrol on the rise. People are naturally more cautious about what they are spending and the phrase 'charity begins at home' is a reality for many people now.

I am sorry for your loss.
I agree with what you said. Most women I think have had a pregnancy loss at some stage. It is very common.
I appear an open person because I will talk openly about everyday things. With things ;like this that are very emotional I do not want to talk to anyone. I am fine if some want to talk openly, but people have the right not to talk about things.

One of the charities I worked with that organises free funerals for babies also have a memorial garden with babies names and 'dob' coving the walls/trees/benches etc... and they are now getting loads of requests from back as far as 70 years asking if their babies can be added (which they are).

There definately wasnt anything like that in the past.

I have a stillborn sibling in the 80s and my mam insists she wasnt even allowed to see/hold them the nurse just but the body straight in the medical waste bin for incineration. We have unfortunately heard similar stories from many more women who have come forward.

These women definately remember and still carry that pain, its still in the forefront of their mind and many are still seeking acknowledgement and closure a lifetime later.

To be honest, if I got a Whatsapp message and saw the justgiving (or whatever site) link, I'd be likely to just close the message without bothering to read it. The links a different colour to the rest of the message so is immediately obvious.

I'm skint at moment (lets be fair, we all are), and there's so many people fundraising for things at the moment that its all started to become white noise.

If you need support, then speak to your family and friends and let them know, but you can't chuck it in the same message as a fundraiser and then get offended when people don't give anything, it just seems like you're trying to guilt people into coughing up.

but if I was to support a fundraiser, I’d be looking for one that had a tangible benefit, such as a sponsored litter pick
God, this. Absolutely this.

I’ve completely stopped giving money for anything.

Including colleagues birthdays, leaving parties, baby showers, weddings etc etc

It was costing me a fortune. I work in a large department, I’m never at work for my birthday, I’m not getting married or having a baby. This gravy train has come to an end!

I have cancelled all of my DD for charities, and no longer donate to Just giving. Can no longer afford it.

I'm sorry for your loss, but a lot of people go through various sad or happy events in their lives, donate to or raise money for charity, send condolences to friends without broadcasting it in a public space on social media.

I could've written the exact same post last year. I did a couple of walking ones for SANDS walk 100K in June and walk 10000 a day in October and although all of my losses have been early ones doing something to raise awareness was something that was mega important to me. I shared the fundraiser page on my Facebook newsfeed. The first time I got 2 sponsors the second time just 1 it was so disheartening to see people posting how much they'd raised in the hundreds and thousands and I managed to contribute £25 and £10. I've given up now and to be honest I think had I have done it for an entirely different cause and not Baby loss a few more people would've sponsored.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry. I hope you are healing both physically and mentally.

As for fundraising posts - I'm sorry, I tend to skip/not read most of them to be honest.

Take care of yourself. I hope you find the support you need from friends and family. The running challenge sounds like a good thing to do, but do it for yourself. If you need help and support, are you able to ask for that directly?

Mine wasn't loss of a child and yes I understand and sympathise with people still wanting comfort and closure after many many years. For me, TV items, charity requests and ads...lots of stuff relating to my loss are all too painful still. I will delete block, ignore, leave the room if its on TV and so on. I would certainly ignore a related go fund me request.

I'm sorry but I would ignore ant message asking for money. I think it would be too awkward to give my condolences and skip over the fundraising bit so I'd ignore the whole thing.

I agree - I find no comfort or healing in rehashing my most traumatic moments over and over again with different people. Tbh, most people I know are the same. Of course if you feel differently that's fine, but I just wouldn't assume anyone wanted to discuss traumatic things with me unless they directly approached me and made it clear they wanted to discuss it.

I'm really sorry to hear you've been through such a hard time with pregnancy and loss. It must be incredibly difficult for you.

The chances are that a lot of people on social media haven't even seen your post. Facebook and Instagram don't show people everything; it's pretty arbitrary what they'll see.

I think you are perhaps conflating two things here so maybe look at them separately:

1. People haven't contributed to the fundraising. That's a shame, but also, people do get asked to donate to a lot of online fundraisers and there is a cost of living crisis right now. Plus, as I said above, people may not have seen your post on social media anyway. Although your fundraising is uppermost in your mind right now, to everyone else, it's one of many things that's being shared with them and one of many requests for support etc. Obviously the charity is very close to your heart, so this feels personal to you, but it isn't like that for others.
2. People haven't replied to acknowledge your loss and ask you how you are. Again, this is a shame, but I think perhaps that's because of the way in which you've told them about your loss, ie you've told them about it in the same post in which you shared your fundraiser. The fundraiser is quite a practical thing, if that makes sense? You're going through a hugely emotional experience, but I think perhaps the emotional impact on other people might be lessened by the fact that the sad news of your loss has been shared in your fundraising post, rather than as a separate thing in itself. There is absolutely nothing wrong at all with the way you've done things, not in the slightest. But I think perhaps people may not fully appreciate how raw all this still is for you, or they may feel bad because they didn't know before what you'd been through, or they may feel like they've missed a previous post about your loss and feel guilty about that, or any number of other things. None of this is your fault of course, but I do think it's pretty unlikely that your friends simply don't care - I think it's more likely that people just have different ways of interpreting social media posts and it's impossible to know what's going through their minds, really.

If I got a text from you about a fundraiser I wouldn't dream of texting you back to console you on a loss, I would presume the text was more of an informative/factual one and wouldnt dare impose - it all depends how you've worded it..

To be honest, I think the same. This is nature's way of dealing with issues.
Recurrent miscarriages are different and do need investigation and treatment.

I sorry for your losses. Facebook is inundated with these fundraisers. Every time you log in someone is looking for donations and to be quite honest I get sick of them and the feeling that if I don’t donate i will be judged or deemed less of a friend. We all have financial pressures and our own priorities for charity giving so I do not give to any fundraisers by friends now. Literally if I did it would be a daily donation and i cannot afford to do that to stroke someone else's need for attention. I would however reach out if i was a real friend to make sure you were ok and see if you needed emotional support.

I love donating to friends and colleagues who fundraiser so please don’t let PPs responses put you off!

1. the social media posts could be hidden by algorithms
2. your friends should definitely respond, however it could just be bad luck that the people you have messaged have all had a crazy week/been made redundant etc
3. wording is important when asking for donations - this can really impact your response rate
4. summer is an expensive time and most people might be waiting for after another pay day for any spending - it might be better to re ask in early august or September once people have been paid a bit

im sorry that your friends haven’t been supportive. They should be. But for your own happiness it’s best to focus on reasons that aren’t personal/don’t make assumptions unless you’re assuming the best! I’m sure no one is intentionally trying to hurt you, they might just need a small reminder after a pay day x