Family and friends not responding to fundraising challenge: TW pregnancy loss

[Mitski]

I have name changed for this. I recently had a pregnancy loss in difficult circumstances. It was one of many losses that I have had that have not been disclosed and, given the circumstances in which this is likely to be the last loss, I decided to undertake a fundraising running challenge. Most people have not responded at all to my two posts on it on social media, not even to share or like which is free, or to ask me how I am. The same with messaging people on what’s app- the majority read the message and did not respond. It may be that the grief is too raw still and I am taking it personally. It might be that people do not know what to say, so choose to say nothing, which is so hurtful. Friendship or acquaintance should not just be transactional, my rational brain tells me, but it hurts that I have given to so many different fundraisers for people over the years and checked in with people, or given my work/time in other ways. Generosity is not always financial, so I am staggered by the sheer amount of people I know who have not even asked if I am ok or to wish me well. I am trying to rationalise that people are wrapped up in wider or more pressing concerns to them.
AIBU to feel this way? Or should I accept that we are in the midst of a public compassion fatigue?

Leaving aside the issue of money, I think getting emotional support on social media can be tricky. I’ve a Facebook friend who is really just a work acquaintance, who recently received a diagnosis of mental illness and hasn’t stopped posting about it since, including when his next appointments are, exactly what it’s doing to his daily life, etc. I’m really sorry to read that he’s suffering but I haven’t replied or even liked his posts since it just feels wrong to comment publicly on something so personal in such a public setting to someone I’m really only on nodding terms with. And very few people have commented. I hope he doesn’t take this as lack of support. I would be happy to have a conversation with him in person next time I see him, but I really hope (and believe) he has better and closer support than me as we hardly know each other.

I did tell people personally, although I can see now that I should not have linked it to the fundraiser. It seemed an easier way to say what had happened but to keep the focus on the charity and on something positive. It is becoming clear that the loss and the fundraising are perhaps too close in time; I did it partially as a way through these early weeks and have not yet recovered from the surgery. It was not about people asking me publicly if I was ok- the people on SM (not particularly
active on SM) are also people I would have considered friends. Thank you everyone for your input.

I am sorry for your loss.

I see five or six fundraisers a day on social media so they just kind of wash over me. And also, running as a fundraiser has been done a gazillion times. When people pick a fundraising challenge they pick a challenge they want to do for themselves - running, abseiling, knitting, whatever, so you get the sense of satisfaction and achievement and I give you some money. I’d pay for a fundraiser where people offered to actually do useful things. Here’s some ideas:

Babysitting
Clean my car
2 hours of gardening
Ironing

I’d love to donate to that fundraiser!

I truly am sorry for what you've been through. It may be that people just don't know what to say. Its really, really shit when people don't seem to care, for whatever reason - identify those that are willing to listen to you and support you, and lean on them. Screw everyone else.

Sorry for your loss. It could be that instead of opening up about it, you've tied it to a fundraiser. So they feel like they're broke and can't say condolences because it would look appalling if they do one and don't follow through with hard cash. Or that maybe your post is a big vague and they don't know how recent this was for you. Or they haven't seen the post. Or they have their own charitable stuff. Or they are watching every last penny. So many reasons, but not necessarily ignoring your loss, just perhaps it isn't an easy vehicle by which to announce it

I wonder if perhaps because the 'news' and the fundraiser are linked, people are presuming that you are 'ok' and fine and haven't thought through that it's sensitive and hard and could do with some compassion. You can see that a bit from some of the posts on this thread. I think it's awesome you're raising funds and I am really sorry for your loss, and for the disappointing reaction from others.

The challenge is for 30 days running

Is it one of those 'run a mile a day for 30 days' things?

I never donate or share them. There are so many of them and they're easy to fake.

If you're doing a skydive I'd probably donate.

To add, i would never in a million years see a fund raising thing and ask the person about their personal reasons for doing it.

I agree.
I’ve never asked anyone about why they’re choosing that particular charity as it’s rude and none of my business.

If you wanted them to know you’d have told them.

I’ve took part in many charity events and it doesn’t always affect me personally.

I would never ask my family or friends for money though.
If I see a fundraiser thing then I ignore it as I simply can’t afford it and so I help charities by giving my time instead of money.

I'm not keen on a fundraiser, especially one of those where you post endlessly about your progress. Additionally - and this is my very honest opinion which is difficult to express without sounding like a cow - not all MCs are equal imo so if yours was a very early loss, I would not see that as a something to post and fundraise for.

I thought this too.
Sorry for your loss op

Sorry for your losses OP. I literally scroll past anything with a gofundme link. It’s not even a conscious decision. Don’t take it personally.

Or I just…. Donate. No one knows other than… me

Good for you? I don't make a fuss about donating to charity either. I was commenting specifically on fundraising (which I know a little about based on previous experience on the board of a small charity), not donating.

I don’t donate to things I don’t think are difficult in terms of a challenge - and I don’t think running every day for a month is hard enough (sorry!) I have friends who do that for fun month in, month out.
Sorry OP for your loss.

Also many women have suffered pregnancy loses so another reason for just scrolling past is that it can be difficult for them too.
Especially if they don’t link that you have suffered from one too.

It’s out of order that your friends aren’t asking how you are, but maybe they can’t donate atm.
I have v strict criteria for donating online as do most people - I have tried to fundraise in the past (dh, but I helped him), and it’s not easy even in less lean times (and that was before proliferation of fundraising on SM).

I don't think that needed to be said.

I'm so sorry for your losses OP

On the subject of your post I had a very similar situation last year and honestly I just didn't know what to say.

It could be your friends are in the same position?

A friends husband posted he was fundraising for a charity that supports families through miscarriage and mentioned it was personal for them. But I just had no idea how to broach the subject, I maybe wrongly, assumed that by getting to the point of posting and fundraising they were through that first part of their grief so I didn't want to drag them back by sending a message.

Which from reading your post was most likely not the best course of action.

I'm very sorry for your losses.

I'm the same as others, I never donate to a fundraiser. I donate to charities and causes that are meaningful to me when I choose to do so. I see 5-15 fundraisers from friends/acquaintances a month and I couldn't possibly donate to them all.

Im sorry for your loss OP. I agree with a lot of what has been said here. I also think with running type challenges it can depend a bit on the person doing them - if you run all the time for example it doesn't seem as much of a challenge than if you are usually very much not an exercise person and this would be a genuine 'challenge' for you. maybe that is not the right thing and we should just focus on the cause but I think a lot of people feel that way. I also think MaryJoLisa is right when she says people don't view all losses equally - that is not say they are not distressing for those involved though and we don't know your situation or if that could be a factor here. I hope you are getting some support for your loss.

The likely scenario is that they haven’t even read it.

But also if you never confided in these people directly and they only became aware about your loss through a blurb on a social media funding site then it’s probably that they feel they aren’t that close to you and it would be inappropriate to bring it up. They are probably assuming if you wanted to speak to them about it you would have. I would probably think the same.

I think it's a bit shit that no one's asked if you're OK. In terms of giving money, I have complete fatigue with that sort of thing. I don't ever give money to just giving etc.. I need every penny I make. I'm sorry for your loss OP. I've had pregnancy loss too and it's tough. Maybe you should take a break from social media for a while.

can't say condolences because it would look appalling if they do one and don't follow through with hard cash.

This. And this is also why no one has done the 'free' actions of liking/sharing your post - 'like/share' without a donation suggests they have seen your fundraiser, but don't care enough about you to donate.... Better to pretend the algorithms haven't shown them the fundraiser....

I expect you will get more 'likes'/condolences if you posted more generally on international baby loss day. It's the link to fundraising that is leading to this perceived lack of compassion.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. It is a painful experience.

YANBU to want to raise funds for a related charity.

However, these things are often tricky to do in practice during good economic times and given that times are incredibly tough for many at the moment, it is no surprise that donations aren’t rolling in. Lots of people have had to reduce or stop donations to their own chosen charities because they are struggling to pay the bills and feed themselves, so it’s no surprise that giving to charities that mean a lot to others isn’t a priority.

Good luck with the run

So sorry for your loss. I think people havent donated as there are just too many posts like this nowadays, and they haven’t asked how you are as that would show that they have seen your post and not donated, which they might feel embarrassed by. I think linking the two together has resulted in this.

Please don’t read into this that people don’t care. I’m sure they do - it’s just they felt unable to respond in case you thought they were being tight-fisted. By not replying at all, they can instead pretend they haven’t seen it, if asked.

Gosh I hope you're not my friend who is doing the same charity fundraiser for the same reason.

I've liked the posts and know all about her loses. As great as it is, she is doing this, I'm not in a position to donate at the moment.