Family and friends not responding to fundraising challenge: TW pregnancy loss

[Mitski]

I have name changed for this. I recently had a pregnancy loss in difficult circumstances. It was one of many losses that I have had that have not been disclosed and, given the circumstances in which this is likely to be the last loss, I decided to undertake a fundraising running challenge. Most people have not responded at all to my two posts on it on social media, not even to share or like which is free, or to ask me how I am. The same with messaging people on what’s app- the majority read the message and did not respond. It may be that the grief is too raw still and I am taking it personally. It might be that people do not know what to say, so choose to say nothing, which is so hurtful. Friendship or acquaintance should not just be transactional, my rational brain tells me, but it hurts that I have given to so many different fundraisers for people over the years and checked in with people, or given my work/time in other ways. Generosity is not always financial, so I am staggered by the sheer amount of people I know who have not even asked if I am ok or to wish me well. I am trying to rationalise that people are wrapped up in wider or more pressing concerns to them.
AIBU to feel this way? Or should I accept that we are in the midst of a public compassion fatigue?

I’m horrified by some of the posters attitude towards fundraising though - “stroking people’s need for attention” indeed!! I give regular direct debits and I purposefully do most of my giving via donations to friends family and colleagues, and plan that way. It’s all going to charity with the added benefit that I get to support a friend.

fine if you can’t afford to give - but no need to be bitter and horrible about people trying to do some good in the world and bring awareness to a cause!

but if I was to support a fundraiser, I’d be looking for one that had a tangible benefit, such as a sponsored litter pick.

yes, absolutely this

To be honest I see so many fundraiser things in my timeline that unless it is someone very close to be I tend to keep scrolling, not really even reading it.

I give to charity that are personal to myself independently anyway, so often ignore the fundraiser things others are doing.

Wow.
This comment really didn't need saying at all.

t was very clear in the fundraising link that it was related to my loss and how recent the loss was.

You are assuming they read any of it. It's generally pretty obvious without reading that it is a fundraising link and many people may not read it at all so won't have seen that it was personal. If you want people to know, you need to let them know separately.

Sorry for your losses.

Some of these comments are awful and especially insensitive on this thread!... whatever the reason for the miscarriage, plenty of pregnancy loss charities provide help and support to women who have gone through it, to basically say they don't deserve funding is pretty heartless. I had counselling for a year after my loss, through a charity. It was an early loss but I lost so much blood, got an infection and needed surgery and a month off work. Not exactly "nature's way".

Sort for your losses op. ----

It's reasonable to ignore fundraising requests posted to no-one in particular on social media.

I would be hurt as well if I never got any responses, but I would try not to take it personally. There are a lot of reasons people might not want to engage.

I have one relative who posts a fundraiser pretty much every month! It is always for very personal causes, and initially I used to send some money but now I realise I can't, so I'm not. I hope she doesn't think I don't care about Alzheimers or whatever, but I can't care so often or pay out as much as she would like.

I think everyone has charities that are close to them, I have some relating to the death of my husband, but I don't post about them and I don't ask people to donate to them (except instead of funeral flowers). Everyone has personal causes: heart disease, cancer, brain tumours, dyslexia, autism or whatever and unfortunately we can't always pay out for each one, plus I don't connect donation with my friends caring, it really is a slippery slope!

When my baby was born sleeping at 24 weeks I grasped very quickly that just because my life had stopped it didn’t mean everybody around me did too people who mattered were sympathetic for about the first week and then after the funeral it was basically never spoken about again and to be fair im glad because I would have hated to constantly be going Over it with various people, personally I wouldn’t have publicly fundraised as I know myself I just scroll past them don’t read them and never ever share but I did privately donate a decent sum to sands because for me they were wonderful and I wanted to give back to them I’d never expect others to tho , why don’t you just donate to them and then there’s no disappointed expectations from people

but I did privately donate a decent sum to sands because for me they were wonderful and I wanted to give back to them I’d never expect others to tho , why don’t you just donate to them and then there’s no disappointed expectations from people
Absolutely this.

I second this, I hardly ever see posts my friends make without having to go looking for them.

And charity also isn't transactional just because you supported their charity fundraising doesn't make them obligated to support yours.

And yes, FB algorithms mean we simply don't see posts from many people.

yes, Facebook is ridiculous for this. You have 200 people as friends but FB in its infinite wisdom only lets you see updates from half of them - despite the fact that your feed is half full of adverts of course. It always amazes me that a platform with so many flaws and limitations has become the untoppable market leader.

By the way, I would donate to a pregnancy loss charity and I would be very sympathetic to any friend in this situation (and have). It's more the overwhelming deluge of charity events that I'm talking about- on FB it's constant, and pretty much no-one doesn't have a cause personal to them- everyone has someone close to them who has had something terrible or a sad circumstance, cancer, heart disease, disorders, baby loss, these sad things are the fabric of our lives sadly which is why we can't always put into monetary terms our care- but it doesn't mean we don't care.

YABU to expect that people are as interested in this as you are.

And a lot of people run everyday anyway, without expecting to be publicly praised for it.

Also, most people who've suffered a miscarriage are quite private about it, and find it difficult to talk about - you only have to read threads in here to see that. So people may be afraid of making a comment and getting it wrong, and ending up the subject of an AIBU thread irony

Honestly - social media is full of fundraisers. And, if you've not disclosed that you've suffered losses, they might not think it's a big deal for you anyway, and just a random charity you're supporting.

If I donated to every fundraiser I see on Facebook I'd be broke within a week.

Unfortunately, as horrible as it is, people just don't want or need to give money. Usually people will have charities close to their own hearts to donate to.

I have lots of friends who have been through things. I support them with practical and emotional support - not by giving money.

I'd be annoyed if someone messaged me directly effectively asking for money however much I supported the cause.

It's awkward. You then have to explain that money is tight or you don't support the cause or you donate elsewhere. So maybe it's easier to ignore.

I have a friend who does this for social events. It's difficult having to say no all the time but I'm nervous about rising living costs. It's doubly awkward saying no to a charity thing.

I don’t usually give to online fundraisers unless it is a really life altering circumstance for the actual friend affected (like a friend whose baby died suddenly and they needed to pay for a headstone). I tend to not give to fundraisers where the money goes to a charity, because we already have selected several charities whose work we support monthly and really feel is needed and important. It doesn’t mean we feel other charities are doing less valuable work, but I think it is necessary for everyone to give where they feel their contribution is most needed, and different people will feel differently about what that should be.

It also doesn’t mean that when people decline to give to your charity of choice, they don’t care about you. It just means that they don’t feel compelled by that particular cause in the same way you do.

but if I was to support a fundraiser, I’d be looking for one that had a tangible benefit, such as a sponsored litter pick.

Yes, I saw a comedian rant recently about this, how they get one like 'help me raise 5k so I can go and travel india for a month... for charity' and he was like 'nah pay for your own holiday' and thats what its like now, most people only do it because they get something out of it.

It would be great if fundraisers were not self serving but thats pretty rare.

Even the OP (and Im not being mean I fully suggest she should seek out local loss charity/groups or join online loss groups for support) is doing it in a way for personal gain as she used it to announce her personal life hoping to get certain reactions and is now upset not really for the charity having not made money but rather because her personal expectation of 'compassion' wasnt met.

Really we should just do away with these 'fundraisers' altogether, theres 2 great ways to help charities and thats:

1. donate
2. volunteer The 3rd option of shake down other people to pay while you using the charities name to do something that benefits yourself is not a real charitible act, its just using charity to cover something you know isn't right to ask of people normally.

Sorry for your loss!

I don't understand the concept of these fundraisers. It's like "I want to do something good for a charity, so you all give me money for that!". Ugh, no. You want to do something good - you donate your own money. And I will donate money towards the causes I want to support.

If they're anything like me, they will mean to donate later and then totally forget. This post in itself has reminded me that I needed to donate to someone's fundraiser!

Possible, but not probable.

Unlikely
as confirmed on this thread

I’m sorry for your loss.

However, having suffered many such losses myself, it’s a very tricky subject. It’s happened to so many women and everyone deals with it differently. Personally, it seems like this is a grieving process for you, rather than being about the fundraising. Some people may find it a little ‘much’. You may also have reached out to people who have suffered loss themselves; they may not want to have anything to do with it as they find it too painful.