Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:
GreenClock · 15/08/2022 22:52

The girl possibly envisages a “happy families” scenario now that she is pregnant. In the interests of fairness, he needs to make it clear that this is not on the agenda and that she does not have a future with him. Then she can make informed choices about what to do. She may decide to terminate the pregnancy if he explains in no uncertain terms that he’s off to Cambridge next month and that they’d be coparenting as friends, nothing more.

Septemberslooming · 15/08/2022 22:53

rnsaslkih · 15/08/2022 21:25

He was going to split with her. So he probably needs to go through with that.

He obviously needs to provide for the child but in the long term he will be better able to do this with the Cambridge degree. Therefore for the next 3/4 years his mum needs to pay half the costs for the baby. After all, she is the one who is adamant he will do the degree, so she needs to make that happen by paying for his child to eat/have clothes etc in the meantime.

i don’t think the plan of the 2 grannies bringing up the child is any good. The GF will want to be with that baby, I doubt she will want to go away to university and leave the baby. It will feel way different for GF than baby dad because she is pregnant, giving birth and bfing. What she decides is up to her really, but baby daddy/his family need to hand over money in any case.

I have two sons and if they impregnated a girlfriend I'd never consider that I had to pay half the costs for the child. Very few people could afford to do this and it would rule against the girl getting benefits, childcare paid etc.
It's early days and I'm sure emotions are running very high. Both should go to university and hopefully his family can offer some support although it may not be possible for it to be financial

pottytrainingissue · 16/08/2022 20:12

Did he break up with her last night then?

undecided112 · 16/08/2022 20:21

This reply has been deleted

This post is not in the spirit of the site.

This is a really awful thing to wish on somebody.

Original poster
SnickersTwix · 16/08/2022 21:13

By way of update…. I spoke to DB earlier this evening and a number of things have happened. We had talked yesterday evening and he had come to his own conclusions that the relationship wouldn’t be healthy, wouldn’t last and it had to stop, regardless of the baby. I also talked to him about the importance of getting a degree/profession.

As mentioned yesterday DB and GF are in the same friendship group. A mutual friend told my brother this morning that they were suspicious about the timings and thought that GF had planned it to some extent to try and keep him. Apparently this friend had seen something on her phone about ovulation some time ago and thought this was odd due to her being on the pill. Unclear to me if this was just when she suspected pregnancy.

DB met with GF today and confronted her about planning this. She denied it. He broke up with her. I don’t entirely know how it all came about but apparently at some point she admitted she knew about the pregnancy before he did and that the pregnancy test she did with him was essentially for him to see and she already knew at that point herself.

Shes taken the break up badly. Apparently she will be having the baby regardless of him. He told her he would be going to University but would try and give her money from working in the holidays. He also wants to see the baby and be a part of its life. She said he was duty bound to provide for her and she needed financial support and he needed to get a full time job. At that point he left. Since then he’s received a number of nasty texts from her mum saying he’s a waste of space, she’ll sue him for every penny of child maintenance, she’ll make his life hell at Uni (no idea how she would actually do this) and he won’t be seeing his child unless “he and his whole family pull their weight”.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2022 21:20

Glad he's decided to focus on his career and studies. She can now plan accordingly. He won't actually owe any maintenance beyond a token sum for many many many years to come. 5/6 years study then it's 2 foundation years. Her choices come with consequences.

I'd block the mum's number (not the ex girlfriends) personally and start communicating via text on the essentials only with the ex.

Tough life lesson so young

justasking111 · 16/08/2022 21:21

A mother and daughter pulled this shit with an apprentice we had. He was in line to take over his family farm when the parents retired. They wanted him to take over the farm then and there kick parents out and move in themselves. It was awful the mother was demanding all sorts. We got dragged in when she started visiting the workplace.

It was a deliberate plan by the two of them

Original poster
SnickersTwix · 16/08/2022 21:29

ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2022 21:20

Glad he's decided to focus on his career and studies. She can now plan accordingly. He won't actually owe any maintenance beyond a token sum for many many many years to come. 5/6 years study then it's 2 foundation years. Her choices come with consequences.

I'd block the mum's number (not the ex girlfriends) personally and start communicating via text on the essentials only with the ex.

Tough life lesson so young

It is such a tough lesson to learn young. I know I’ll get flamed for saying it but I feel like it’s a loss of innocence for him. I appreciate he was sexually active with her and should have been more careful but he’s learning big life lessons as a result.

He doesn’t want to block the mother of ex-GF as tbh I think he is terrified of her and what she may do. I don’t see that she can do much but he’s clearly concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnickersTwix · 16/08/2022 21:31

Urgh this is grim. I really want to think the best of the girl although DB’smutual friend’s suspicions do trouble me. The friend was apparently closer to ex-GF than she was to my DB. Her telling him that makes me think she’s seriously concerned it’s been planned.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2022 21:35

Yes I can imagine he's terrified. Really - encourage him to disengage, block mother's number, and text only factual and non-emotional responses to ex girlfriend.

Also not to make promises he can't keep. He may not be able to work much outside his studies/placements and may not be able to visit too much for up to ten years if she stays local. Better to be realistic about what a career in medicine is like. He'll be mostly studying or working.

She can start off down the path of single parenthood with a clear eyed view of her future then.

Twizbe · 16/08/2022 21:39

Brother needs to chat to his Director of Studies / someone at the uni now.

They could decide to put in a malicious story with the uni that could put his place in jeopardy. If he warns the uni it's harder for the mum to do anything.

He does need to block the mother.

Septemberslooming · 16/08/2022 21:43

undecided112 · 16/08/2022 20:21

This is a really awful thing to wish on somebody.

Show quote history

The girl and her mother are obviously keen to continue with the pregnancy and I admire them for that.
I'd be careful of painting the potential mother of your niece/nephew as some sort of entrapment artist. It's a very outdated stereotype, she may not have behaved with great maturity but neither did your brother. The girl is facing a difficult life and I'm sure things will be very messy for a few years at least.I think your brother has made the correct decision.

AliceW89 · 16/08/2022 21:45

Yes I can imagine he's terrified. Really - encourage him to disengage, block mother's number, and text only factual and non-emotional responses to ex girlfriend

I agree with this and I would go further and say all communication with the ex girlfriend should be through email, so there is a proper paper trail. Save everything from the GF’s mum and don’t be afraid to speak to the police - he’s been a naive fool, but he shouldn’t have to live in complete terror of this woman.

Assuming he gets his grades, he should let pastoral support know exactly what is going on as soon as possible. The first year of a medical degree will need to consume most of his brain space if he is to succeed and having this going on in the background is incredibly stressful. They can put support in place and use it to allow him time away, should it come to it. Nobody will think badly of him - they will however think badly of it if he drops it in mid way through the year when the wheels are falling off.

I think you should sound out a family solicitor and see what they say about the situation, especially if it means taking dealings with the GF and his family out of his hands.

Good luck.

Redburnett · 16/08/2022 21:46

He should definitely go to uni. A six month relationship at 18 with both partners going in different directions is highly unlikely to last without the added stress of a baby. Your mother is right to refuse to become baby's carer. Your DB can visit in holidays and pay proper maintenance when he graduates and gets a decent job. There is no point two young people jeopardising their futures, but if the GF is determined to continue then that is her decision. (As an aside I am sceptical about the number of women on MN who get pregnant while on the pill.)

neighboursmustliveon · 16/08/2022 21:54

I agree with your mum. He absolutely should go to uni and secure his future life. It's his gf decision to keep this child, she doesn't have to. It's also his gf's mums choice to bring up the baby to allow her child to go to uni.

The chance of this relationship lasting is slim so why should he ruin his life?

MsRinky · 16/08/2022 22:05

Every penny of child maintenance that he can be sued for is likely to be about a tenner a week for the next few years, and he has zero liability for financial support for the mother. Sooner she realises that and reconsiders her plan the better really.

3peassuit · 16/08/2022 22:30

I don’t think full time student NRPs have to pay child maintenance.

Merryoldgoat · 16/08/2022 22:34

I'd be careful of painting the potential mother of your niece/nephew as some sort of entrapment artist. It's a very outdated stereotype, she may not have behaved with great maturity but neither did your brother. The girl is facing a difficult life and I'm sure things will be very messy for a few years at least.I think your brother has made the correct decision.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. @SnickersTwix - you yourself said you suspected that he relented after being chased because she’d have sex with him. He confided in you that he was having second thoughts yet continued the relationship and having sec with her. 18 is an age of utterly daft decisions and they are both at fault.

A boy (man) clever enough to secure a place reading Medicine at Cambridge is intelligent enough to know he should use a condom every time he has sex.

She and her mother may indeed be an utter nightmare but he persisted in a sexual relationship with her when we’ll aware.

willithappen · 16/08/2022 22:38

Merryoldgoat · 16/08/2022 22:34

I'd be careful of painting the potential mother of your niece/nephew as some sort of entrapment artist. It's a very outdated stereotype, she may not have behaved with great maturity but neither did your brother. The girl is facing a difficult life and I'm sure things will be very messy for a few years at least.I think your brother has made the correct decision.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. @SnickersTwix - you yourself said you suspected that he relented after being chased because she’d have sex with him. He confided in you that he was having second thoughts yet continued the relationship and having sec with her. 18 is an age of utterly daft decisions and they are both at fault.

A boy (man) clever enough to secure a place reading Medicine at Cambridge is intelligent enough to know he should use a condom every time he has sex.

She and her mother may indeed be an utter nightmare but he persisted in a sexual relationship with her when we’ll aware.

100% this

I'm sure the girl has lots of prospects as well but her life is also about to drastically change and I don't see why it's all her in a bad light. If you have concerns about her intentions you should discuss with her or suss those out yourself rather than listen to 'friends' of DB

Completelyovernonsense · 16/08/2022 22:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

justasking111 · 16/08/2022 22:42

If she was using the app to conceive then played surprised when she did the pregnancy test. Sorry no sympathy with the girl

Completelyovernonsense · 16/08/2022 22:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

SoupDragon · 16/08/2022 22:52

She said he was duty bound to provide for her and she needed financial support and he needed to get a full time job. At that point he left. Since then he’s received a number of nasty texts from her mum saying he’s a waste of space, she’ll sue him for every penny of child maintenance, she’ll make his life hell at Uni (no idea how she would actually do this) and he won’t be seeing his child unless “he and his whole family pull their weight”.

well, that's shown their true colours. Maybe it was just shock that he "dumped" her and is going to carry on with his Uni plans "leaving her behind with a baby" but maybe not...

Your brother seems to have been reasonable about it by saying he will provide what support he can. They need to see that this is the best option for everyone's future if the girlfriend is going to keep the baby.

SoupDragon · 16/08/2022 22:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

surely you don't need a period tracker if you're on the pill though.

willithappen · 16/08/2022 22:59

@SoupDragon actually lots of them are designed to work along with the pill. Depending on the type of pill she was on also and how her body reacts she could have periods whilst still taking it. It's not as black and white as period when not taking so it's perfectly acceptable to have an app like this whilst on the pill

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread