18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Surely it doesnt matter how the baby got here now. Theres a baby and it needs parents. He need to work out how he is going to parent and do his degree.

I'd be careful of painting the potential mother of your niece/nephew as some sort of entrapment artist. It's a very outdated stereotype

I disagree, this goes on all of the time, women do do this and she wasn't even smart about it. Why the performative pregnancy test? Ovulation apps and telling his sister she wants to be a young mum.
Outdated stereotypes are ones that are likely to be untrue surely. The 'crazy ex', the 'nagging wife' the 'hysterical woman'.

This girl dropped a trail of evidence that she was throwing a grenade into his life because she couldn't see past her own ambition to be mummies and daddies with him. Now her mother is calling the shots and telling him that he can only see the kid on her terms.

I image it matters very much to the boy who has had someone else make this massive decision on his behalf that the thing he has worked towards for years will be flushed away.
I couldn't be so dismissive if anyone I knew was deceived like that in any other way.

I'm usually someone who would always stick up for women, but this is underhand, it's coercive. If a partner wants to clip a womans wings so sabotages their job interviews/ training opportunities this would fall under the banner of coercive control. I don't see how this is different and the performance where she found out with him was nothing short of gaslighting.

So many men hate women, this is the type of thing that makes them bitter and the kind of thing they will carry through life into next relationships. This boy needs to be able to feel what he feels and not be told it doesn't matter. He has been deceived and he should be allowed to believe himself and work through how he feels about that. I'd say the same about a condom piercing man.

Yes he now has a responsibility and he should have worn a condom, but it still does matter it wasn't a minor thing.

I would advise you to speak to a lawyer now she’s started threatening with making “his life hell”.
this is your brother’s future. If the mum wants to go down the path of intimidation, threats and playing dirty then best to cover your backs.

If I were him I'd end the relationship and take the uni offer. His experience of med school is going to be different to some people's experience, in that he is going to need to earn money and to spend time with his child. Many others do this. I worked to support myself throughout medical school - I didn't receive any government or parental support at all - and graduated with a first. Others of my acquaintance had children as students, and also supported them. It will be very hard; everything that is worth something is hard. Medical training itself is very hard. He is clearly not someone who avoids hard things.

The PP who advised no registrar can take responsibility for a child is obviously unaware that a very great many of us did or do. Many of us have children whilst training because training is so long. As usual the expectations for men in particular professions are somehow wildly different from the expectations for women in particular professions.

The most urgent thing I think is to end the relationship and have a clear co-parenting discussion. His girlfriend needs time to work out how she is going to deal with the situation as it really is, not as it seems at the moment.

but he’s learning big life lessons as a result.

One shouldn't really need to use condoms (98% effective if used correctly) this way, esp. when you're intelligent and educated enough to gain a prestigious uni place.

What did yourself and your Mum do to impress the importance of using condoms on him (the only contraceptive a man, pre vasectomy Age, has control over, and extremely important for std prevention too)?

Feels like he's being painted as a victim but one sinple thing he could have done would have 98% likely avoided this situation.

*One shouldn't really need to learn to use condoms (98% effective if used correctly) this way, esp. when you're intelligent and educated enough to gain a prestigious uni place.

I've never been able to muster any sympathy for "trapped" men who won't put a condom on.

Sex education in schools and still this behaviour.

As someone else pointed out, if he's decided he was going to finish with her, why was he still shagging her.

Not exactly a sensible or high integrity decision for anyone let alone oxbridge candidate.

Again, victim-hood is elusive for me here.

Just typical entitled, selfish, irresponsible male behaviour and then its "woe is me, these evil, conniving bitches .... these crazy bitches getting upset when I kept shagging them knowing I was going to dump them (now they've realised they'll be single mums) or else hsve to get an abortion at weeks & weeks in) etc.

(No doubt someone will be along to explain he was seduced by the conniving little bitch, even while he was intending to dump her, and just couldn't help himself. Males don't have equal responsibility for sex or contraception, obviously).

If the gf, was ment to be on the pill, how did the pill fail ?

And rhe period/ovulation tracker could simply have been her trying to track her period for many of the reasons any Wigan might want to, espnone at school, having to.do PE, possibly swimming, generally not wanting to get csught out without sanitary protection somewhere it's not easy to take discrete toilet breaks ab where you may have to wear skirts all the time etc.

Sounds like people are wading in maliciously with all sorts now there's some meaty gossip; with a nice slice of misogyny in there.

The pill can fail - what are you asking?

It's been proven recently that some winevs bodies counteract the pill ; and they have no way of knowing that until they fall pregnant on it.

It fails fie other reasons too.

In any case this young man with his supportive, close Mum and much older sister (not to mention sex education) should have been well.aware of the compelling reasons for using condoms.

He doesn't have to be a present father either.

Her choice is to stay pregnant.

His choice is the extent to which he gets involved beyond the compulsory - child maintenance (which is going to be pretty much nothing for many many years).

This is not planned and agreed parenthood. Both have choices.

Based on previous past threads, sometimes their partner has said they were on the pill, sex but then it was that they either forgot to take it, or had purposely choose not to.

I'm amazed so many are saying he should carry on with his degree. Is this really Mumsnet or have I wandered into Pistonheads!

Medicine sounds great but it'll be 10 years at least before he's earning any sort of money to be useful enough to make up for the years lost. Even then you can never hope to make up for not being there financially.

If he's bright, there'll be other professions and a degree isn't necessary right now. Her life has been changed forever. He should step up and do the right thing, irrespective of whether he breaks up or not. I'd feel ashamed running off to uni, like nothings happened.

People who know and have a relationship with their children, qherher planned or atrees or not .... have.some integrity.

People who don't, do not.

The child Dudbridge ask to be born. What sort of person could be absent from their life. Never kniw them. Have them know that you never wanted to know them or help.look after them?

Only scum bags behave like that to their offspring; planned or not.

It's a fact that a large proportion of kids are not planned or agreed. That doesn't change their parents responsibilities to them.

He wants to be a doctor. He’s got into a hugely competitive course at Cambridge. He doesn’t have to give this up because ex-gf says she’s keeping the baby.

What if it was a setup By the gf ?

Absolutely spot on!!
he decided to have sex - even when considering ending the relationship - so now he needs to be responsible.

I couldn't care less about a Cambridge education. He should've thought about it beforehand. It's harsh but that's life.

How is he going to personally fund his child's upbringing while he's getting in debt at university? That's like 5 years and then another 5 on relatively low wages until he earns something reasonable.

Are you suggesting that this GF gives him a 5-10 year pass in hope that he pulls his finger out later? The child will be 10 by then and there's no way I'd be able to look him/her in the eye.

What if it was a setup By the gf ?

What if he'd worn a condom?

The lad wants to go to med school. He should be more aware of how things work than most.

I’m saying ex-gf is making the decision to keep the baby, therefore has to accept the consequences of her decision.