18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Just seen it’s medicine. He really shouldn’t think twice about accepting the offer and grab it with both hands.
Your mother should really think about what it means to be a Catholic, the way she’s treating the potential mother of her grandchild is disgraceful. “That girl” is not the way to refer to her.

Honestly ... what would you really want for your 18 year old daughter?
A teenage boy who doesn't want to be there, is neither use nor ornament (and yes, I have one. I don't trust him to remember to feed the cat), playing happy families for sux months which persuades her to keep the baby thinking it's all love's young dream.
Or a sharp dose of reality.

A teenage pregnancy doesn't have to be a big deal, because it doesn't have to result in a baby. If it does, it still doesn't have to be a big deal with supportive parents to help the daughter.

Imagining any kind of useful role for an 18 year old boy seems a pointless fiction.

But do feel free to post the many examples you know of useful 18 year old fathers

A medical degree at Cambridge is 5 years but only if he chooses to stay there for the pre clinical and clinical years. He can complete his three year pre clinical medical degree at Cambridge and move to another University medical school to do the clinical section section of the course. Many doctors move to London or one of the big regional teaching hospitals for their clinical years. This may give him the advantage of being closer to home
However the reality of it all is that to succeed in a Consultant post will take at least ten years post qualification. Most doctors I know, who have registrar posts and are parents can never really be called upon to take full responsibility for their children. His Girlfriend should be made aware that even if he supports, she will be largely on her own!

He 100% needs to take up his university place otherwise he’ll look back in 20 years time and totally regret it. Plus he’ll be able to support the baby better long-term. It’s obviously completely her right to choose what she wants to do but she doesn’t also get to control your DB life too. Yes, he needs to be responsible as far as possible but not to the detriment of his own future.

The boy she was after for years was about to leave her for uni, she wasn't bothered about getting a degree herself, her sister had a baby recently and she knew she wanted to be a young mum, she said she was using the pill.
Within an hour of POAS she was talking baby names. That wasn't shock talking and I think you just feel too judgemental if you acknowledge it.
Of course your brother could have used a condom and I'm not saying he isn't responsible too, but really this is engineered and he should make decisions based on that knowledge because he will resent it later if it comes out or he smells the coffee after giving up on uni.
He has a responsibility to the child, but not a responsibility to stay with a girl who would limit his options like this on purpose.

If the GF were my daughter I would be extremely disappointed if she decided to have the baby and would do all I could to persuade her to have an abortion - in everyone's best interests, not least the unplanned child of two 18-year-olds.

The boyfriend should end the relationship as he planned and take up his place at university.

What a mess OP.

What's the point of deferring (which won't happen anyway for Cambridge or for medicine). The baby won't be born until nearly the end of the academic year.

What a nasty comment. Most people take time.e to consider whether breaking up is what they really want before doing it.

My niece headed for Cambridge had a boyfriend got pregnant around a level results time decided to play happy families. Boyfriend was a waste of space. She tried to make the relationship work, got two jobs to make some money. Then started a degree course. She's graduated this year and has finally broken up with the partner.

Don't let your DB delay his future like this

Please ensure he goes to university. He sounds like he has a bright future ahead of him which will allow him to provide for his child long term. A University degree is important in this world despite what some will tell you - particularly if one wants to be a doctor!

Does he want to be a present father or does he just want to contribute financially? Thats important to understand.

Another one who doesn't know how difficult it is even for high flying students to get medicine offers. 🙄

if he doesn’t pull the plug in this relationship and head off to uni he’s going to resent her and the child for the rest of his life. He’s already made it quite clear he didn’t see this as a long term relationship. The best way he can support her and the baby is by being honest, being present in their lives (not necessarily playing happy families), and making sure he sends regular money once he is earning.

Are you sure the girlfriend was actually taking the pill properly and hasn't done this to trap him so he doesn't leave her to go to uni

This. He must take up his medicine offer - madness not to.

It would save a year of expensive child maintenance payments by pushing back his quality earning years (10 years in the future) by another year.

One advantage.

You could spin it to his mum like that, op?

Both should go to uni and your DB should encourage the (ex)GF to so so. Not in a million years he should give up the Cambridge place if offered. Terms are comparatively short, he can still work in the summer.
Your mother is in shock, I’ll give her the benefit of doubt for bow but you know her best.
I wonder if the pregnancy occurred to stop him leaving to study. Whilst it’s a moot point you could run it by him, it might open his eyes a little. If the pregnancy foes ahead, the young woman should be supported by your family too but not to the detriment of your DB’s education, after all he’ll be in position to earn more over time after graduating.

I’d encourage him to go to Uni.

On deferring the offer: I'm a tutor at an Oxbridge college who does admissions every year and think that's very unlikely to be possible. A larger than normal proportion has missed grades this year and even with some leniency towards those with narrowly missed offers our first year will be smaller than usual. I doubt that the tutors in medicine would even consider it, particularly when, in this situation, they wouldn't feel entirely confident that he would show up next year either.

If DB gets his grades (you should also give serious thoughts to what you'll do if he doesn't, ideally before Thursday) then he would be a bloody idiot not to go. If he were passionately in love with his GF, and she desperately wanted him to stay at home, that would be different. But giving up his entire future for a girl that he already wanted to break up with, on the basis of a relationship lasting a few months, in which he reasonably and naturally assumed (from her decision to take the pill) that she didn't want a baby? That would be crazy.

Sounds to me as if the gf decided that she didn't want to go to university or wouldn't get the grades, didn't want to lose DB as her boyfriend (presumably she saw the writing on the cards), and had a romantic idea of being a young mother. If she deceived him by pretending to be on contraception when she in fact wasn't then I don't think she can expect too much in the way of paternal support. Not nothing, but not a lot of time, and not a lot of money for a fair number of years.

My brother was 20 when he got his then girlfriend pregnant;he was seriously considering ending the relationship prior to discovering the pregnancy.He tried to do the right thing by sticking by her but ultimately split when my DN was 18 months old.

He and his ex actually still get on really well and are great Co parents to their DD.We have as a family have a really good relationship with my DN's mum.

They've only been together 6 months,he should go to university;it'll help him with long stability to provide for the baby.

Encourage him to follow through with his original plan.

tell him to be honest with her - that he was going to call it a day anyway and that having a baby together won’t change his mind.

university should be absolutely encouraged

love doesn’t pay the rent and a baby certainly won’t!!!

I'm quite shocked by how many people seem to think that of course this pregnancy should continue, even though it upends the lives of two young people.

If a couple is using contraception, their intention is clearly to prevent pregnancy. If an unplanned pregnancy results, the default expectation is obviously abortion. Why on earth would bringing an unplanned child into the world be preferable to exercising your right to terminate the pregnancy? Wtaf are we teaching our young people?

Continuing an unplanned pregnancy without the full support of the other parent is a complicated issue, even in an established relationship. Between two teenagers, splitting up, and heading off in different directions, it's selfish, reckless and horribly damaging all around.

A baby is no reason to stay in a relationship. If he was planning on breaking with her, he needs to do it now.

He will be able to provide a much better life for his child down the road if he goes to Uni and completes his studies. That should be his priority right now, deferring would be absolutely foolish.

This would be the advice I'd have given my own sons, if this had happened to them.

I don't mean to cast aspersions, but my DS2's mate was planning on breaking up with his GF as he had an athletic scholarship and lo and behold she was 'accidentally' pregnant. Turned out she had a feeling he was planning on ending the relationship before he left and thought this was the way to trap him. He stayed with her for a few years and was miserable before he finally got fed up and left. He lost out on the scholarship and a wonderful opportunity for a great education.