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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:
FlorettaB · 15/08/2022 22:27

Ah. I’ve just read the OP’s other posts. She said she wanted to be a young mum, her sister has recently had a baby and he has a place to study medicine.

I really should’ve read it through before posting.

Lipsandlashes · 15/08/2022 22:27

I would also encourage him to break up with her and take up his offer at Cambridge. It is her choice to carry on the pregnancy and his choice to carry on with his studies. As long as he is supportive and provides for the child (once he is able!) there is nothing wrong with him fulfilling his dream.

blisstwins · 15/08/2022 22:28

Redbone · 15/08/2022 21:18

It has to be his choice but I would be encouraging him to split up with his GF, go to Uni and try to support his baby financially.

This

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2022 22:28

He is studying medicine - he doesn't have to do that at cambridge. He can do that at a nearer uni so he can support his child and childs mother.
When they conceived a baby together they will both have to make sacrifices.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2022 22:29

I’d be very much stressing doing right thing isn’t just short term it’s 18 years.
It’s harsh criticising him for not dumping her sooner. Lots of teens are together at 6th form knowing realistically they won’t last at Uni. So it has a natural end point but they can still enjoy time together in summer.
Does he have an involved Dad? Maybe talk about how being a dad might look. Eg when baby tiny he won’t be able to take baby overnight or 50/50 if she’s breastfeeding.

Stripedbag101 · 15/08/2022 22:29

he absolutely must go to university - this is a chance of a lifetime for him and his child.

the baby won’t even be born until well into his first year. He can come home in weekends and holidays are long. Summer will be over three months long.

the degree will greatly boost his lifeline earning potential and open lots more doors for his child.

his girlfriend also needs to go to university. She needs to start aggressively researching it now. There is help out there and childcare options for students. Your brother can parent at the weekend and In The holidays. Would your mum be willing to help out a little - it sounds like her mum will help too.

it takes a village and between you all you should be able to facilitate both going to university.

they don’t have to be together to raise the baby.

Fudgeball123 · 15/08/2022 22:30

He should go to uni,not defer. They can see whether their relationship lasts but at least make a plan for their baby. The GF can decide which uni she prefers and whether she wants to defer or not.
If she stays in her hometown she can decide whether she would like the grannies to help or not and whether they would like to. My aunt used to pay daycare for my cousin's child in lieu of taking care of her herself 😏.

AvocadoPlant · 15/08/2022 22:30

1FootInTheRave · 15/08/2022 21:50

He needs to break up with her asap. She isn't able to make an informed choice at present. She's basing her decision on a fantasy that will never be.

Yes, completely agree with this.
she chose to have consensual sex, she also chose to take steps to avoid pregnancy, she now has the choice of continuing the pregnancy snd raising the child as a single parent, or terminating the pregnancy.
Whike he’s a student your DBs income will be needed for his time at university. Afterwards he will need to contribute financially.
Hopefully he will want to have a relationship with the child, but realistically he won’t be travelling home from Cambridge every weekend, he will be busy with his studies and hopefully a new social life.
His GF and her mum need to understand this. They don’t get to dictate how he lives his life going forward.

veniceorna · 15/08/2022 22:31

Encourage him to end the relationship. Go to uni. If she wants to bring a baby into the world knowing full well she can't support it and the father isn't present, that's on her.

Why would he stick with her for the sake of a bunch of cells? She's very early, she could well miscarry yet anyway

Hopefully she does for your brothers sake. What a mess

gatehouseoffleet · 15/08/2022 22:31

Definitely go to uni. A dad who has done medicine will be a better provider than someone who gave it all up supposedly to do the right thing. The right thing in this case is to get the best qualifications and earnings potential you can.

That applies to her as well. Although if I were her mother I'd be recommending she got an abortion, I wouldn't have thought twice about it at that age.

Hopeandlove · 15/08/2022 22:32

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:24

I agree that mum is being ridiculous. She never liked the GF and I think she is being unfair. As to not advising him…. As I said I’m considerably older and he turns to me for advise. I’m trying to give him the right advice.

DB is trying to do the right thing but I am not sure that his plans, long term actually achieve that. I also think at 18 he has no idea the impact of his decision to not go to University would have

He goes to uni as does she. University crèches are excellent and you won’t be the first or last. They can split up but he can still be a 50/50 father

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 22:32

JinglingHellsBells · 15/08/2022 22:26

you don't think it's a bit 'dropped in there' and possibly slightly relevant, what with medicine being hugely competitive and not something you can just get a place somewhere else to study?

Not sure what your point is. You seem to be contradicting your own point.

I don't see what is 'hilarious', no.
Unless you are being sarcastic.

It's relevant. The degree course is 5 years, not 3. That's why it's dropped in to the thread.

Not 'hilarious' though.

Yes, maybe I was being sarcastic.

I think it might have influenced a few people's opinions on whether he should give up his place and get a job instead.

But maybe not. Loads of people here think 18 year old boys/men make great fathers when not given a choice in the matter. What do I know. Media Studies/Medicine, Cambridge/Sunderland, it's all the same really.

ladydoris · 15/08/2022 22:32

they both have to go to uni. They should make a pause seeing each other as BF/GF and work a solution for their future as coparents. That would be the best gift to themselves and the kids. They need economical support in the meantime. If the grandparents are being silly they will not stop sadly, so take them out of the equation.

SeasonFinale · 15/08/2022 22:33

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2022 22:28

He is studying medicine - he doesn't have to do that at cambridge. He can do that at a nearer uni so he can support his child and childs mother.
When they conceived a baby together they will both have to make sacrifices.

Seriously you can't just switch unis at the drop of a hat and especially not for medicine. Places are few and far between and even all A* students often don't get medicine offers.

He can't even reapply next year as there is no guarantee he would get an offer again. The only sensible option is to take up his offer this year. If you don't believe me go and read the medicine threads over on the Higher Education boards

ThanksItHasPockets · 15/08/2022 22:33

If he gets the grades to meet his offer tomorrow he needs to call the college directly. There will be an admissions tutor he can speak to about the possibility of deferral. I am sorry to be cynical but if he meets any contextual criteria such as former pupil premium or first in his family to attend university it will help his case.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 15/08/2022 22:34

If he were my family I would encourage him to go to University, this relationship is never going to work out if he know’s his whole future opportunities are going to put in the bin. If he were my father, and I knew my mother had asked him to give up such a good opportunity, I would feel so guilty as the child.

That being said, he could defer really, but still the first year of a child’s life, if the mother seems keen on being there for the baby and her mum to help out, in reality isn’t the optimal time to be involved for a father on a constant daily basis. It could work with regularly, and taking a part-time job at Uni to offer at least some support. They need to think long term.

gatehouseoffleet · 15/08/2022 22:34

Not sure about the advice to break up with her though. If someone came on here and said their daughter was pregnant and her boyfriend had split up with her as soon as he found out you'd all be calling him all the names in creation - irresponsible manchild being the first that springs to mind. However, once he goes to Cambridge and she stays at home/goes to a local university, it will probably happen anyway.

oviraptor21 · 15/08/2022 22:34

He needs to go to uni as does she, although she may choose to defer a year. If the relationship is strong (I know you suggest it isnt) it will survive. Him being at uni doesn't have to prevent him being an engaged dad, especially at Cambridge which has even shorter terms than most unis. He really mustn't throw away this opportunity. Nor his gf. Short term pain for long term gain.

ladydoris · 15/08/2022 22:35

Had loads of friends who were pregnant throughout their studies. They were married though.

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 22:36

FlorettaB · 15/08/2022 22:27

Ah. I’ve just read the OP’s other posts. She said she wanted to be a young mum, her sister has recently had a baby and he has a place to study medicine.

I really should’ve read it through before posting.

To be fair, it has slowly been added in.

ancientgran · 15/08/2022 22:37

ThanksItHasPockets · 15/08/2022 22:33

If he gets the grades to meet his offer tomorrow he needs to call the college directly. There will be an admissions tutor he can speak to about the possibility of deferral. I am sorry to be cynical but if he meets any contextual criteria such as former pupil premium or first in his family to attend university it will help his case.

What is the point of deferring? She's only just pregnant, most of his first year there won't be a baby. I just can't see the point.

SoupDragon · 15/08/2022 22:37

He should absolutely take up his university offer (and I would say that even if it weren't medicine at Cambridge).

He will be able to provide for his child far better that way. He needs to be looking to the future and making that as secure as possible.

wheredidIleavemystyle · 15/08/2022 22:40

Worth noting that Cambridge terms are pretty short - he'd be home about half the time anyway

This. He can come home and work and be dad to the baby in the long holidays.

MrsMoastyToasty · 15/08/2022 22:40

Only he can make a decision. He does need to know that he may not decide to be a "daddy " but he will always be a "father". He may get to 36, be settled in life and have an 18 year old turn up o his doorstep.

Cyclebabble · 15/08/2022 22:40

He should go to Cambridge. It is a golden opportunity. If the relationship was not working he has to be clear on this, though he still has to support the mother. Perhaps you need to work out how you do this as a family financially? Longer term with a Cambridge degree the child will benefit.

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