18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

If she was accepting of the fact that he doesn’t want to be with, wasn’t demanding he quit university and provide for her, wasn’t turning up as his work screaming at him, and wasn’t threatening to falsely report him for rape then he may have been more inclined to go to the scans and appointments.

Imposing morality leads to a great deal more suffering.

He’s not getting everything he wants. He’ll be a father to a baby which in truth he doesn’t want for the rest of his life.

This will affect his finances, his future romantic relationships, his career.

But he’s not suffering enough for you and lovelybones is he. You’d only be happy if he was stacking shelves because then he’d see his child every Saturday for two hours whilst his ambition and intelligence died

There's a thread on here at the moment one of many over the years. Unmarried couple two children house owner. He's left her she asked will she get to keep the house. The replies are pretty depressing because she doesn't have a wedding certificate.

In a month's time many of her friends Will be posting pictures of Freshers week, having lots of fun. Others will be in work and enjoying Saturday nights out.

It's a tragedy.

If he goes to Uni he won't be able to financially support the baby.

Unfortunately in life plans, dreams etc change. He may want to go to Uni however he is due to be a father. This should be his primary concern and he should be looking at ways of how to make the situation/relationship/responsibility with his unborn child work rather than focusing on his wants in life.
A part of being a parent is making sacrifices and putting your child's needs first.
He needs to start realising this.
He needs to get a job and start taking responsibility.

I remember a lad at work who denied it was his and refused a paternity test. He's now happily married two kids. There's far wors dad's than this young man

A number of comments make me think that some people would like to return to the days of a shotgun literally being held to someone's head to ensure they do "the right thing". There may have been reasons back then for pressure, ie destitution for mother and baby, but not so much now.

At the risk of boring people senseless with anecdotes, my great grandmother was pregnant by the lad 2 doors down at 15. He was so drunk on their wedding day he fell down the altar steps and the vicar only married them because he felt sorry for her. It was an utterly miserable, violent, horrible union that scarred their kids. We do better now and that absolutely does not involve abortion if the mother doesn't want that course, but neither does it involve throwing away life chances to no benefit at all, to anyone involved.

"He could get a full time job like every other 18 year old that doesn't go to Uni."

But "every other kid that doesn't go to uni" probably doesn't go because a) they don't want to, or b) they don't have the academic ability / focus / work ethic to get in. That is a pointless comparison. Some people are happy to just "get a full time job" at 18 because they know, realistically, that they are not capable / interested in pushing themselves further. But if you see medicine as your vocation, there is no other way in unless you do the training. As if anyone with a place at Cambridge is going to jack it in to work in a pub or something indefinitely. This is not realistic. Also it would be counterproductive in terms of the child's longer-term interests.

‘You’d only be happy if he was stacking shelves because then he’d see his child every Saturday for two hours whilst his ambition and intelligence died.’

I think he should parent his child, and that should ideally be an equal parenting arrangement. As I wrote above, that might mean changing his plans. It doesn’t necessarily mean doing a job that’s so far away from his aspirations, but yes, it might mean changing them. Because actions have consequences. And before we get the “but her actions have them too” complaining again, yes, she appears to know that. She isn’t the one proposing leaving the baby with him and going off to pursue her solo plans. That’s him.

A part of being a parent is making sacrifices and putting your child's needs first.
He needs to start realising this.
He needs to get a job and start taking responsibility.

If you wanted the pregnancy. He didn't. She did. She made the choice. She does not get to decide for him.

If he goes to Uni he won't be able to financially support the baby.

And he won’t if he doesn’t either.

A part of being a parent is making sacrifices and putting your child's needs first. He needs to start realising this. He needs to get a job and start taking responsibility.

Its also making the best life you can.

Your perspective is so narrow.

If he doesnt go to uni he wont be able to support a child either. What do you think
he will earn at 18? After paying his own living costs for a wage an unskilled 18 year old can get, what will he have left for supporting a child? Youre thinking small and short term. And small short term thinking will dramatically change the life of a child who would otherwise have a doctor as a parent.

He said it was inappropriate before the screaming and allegations if you read back.

A number of comments make me think that some people would like to return to the days of a shotgun literally being held to someone's head to ensure they do "the right thing".

Yep. I'm getting that feeling. I'm very pro choice but I firmly believe you cannot make the choice for someone else to have a baby.

‘And small short term thinking will dramatically change the life of a child who would otherwise have a doctor as a parent.’

Yes, in 2028 the father’s going to ride in wearing a gleaming white coat and offer to buy the child a pony. It’s going to be lovely.

So anybody that doesn't go to Uni stacks shelves? Seriously???
There are plenty of careers/jobs he can go into without going to Uni.

Also what are you on about him 'suffering'? No one wants him tortured for goodness sake. He just needs to step up to being a father.
Is it still 'suffering' if the mother has to redo her life plans?

lovelyboneslove
'He needs to get a job and start taking responsibility.'

He needs to go to Cambridge University and study medicine so that he can qualify as a doctor. He will then not only be more useful in providing for this future child, but also for society in general as a medic.

He said it was inappropriate before the screaming and allegations if you read back

Because he’s not in a relationship with the mother. Jesus, it’s not difficult.

Narrow Minded? Putting your child's needs first? Ok then

Go on then.

What job is he going to get at 18 that will allow him to pay for his life and meaningfully contribute financially to his child?

The mother is choosing to change her plans. She just can’t force him to change his.

His responsibility to his child should come first. There are loads of careers he could choose without going to Uni.

He doesn’t get to have everything he wants. He doesn’t get to have an ex that isn’t pregnant. He doesn’t get to not pay child support. She doesn’t have to get what she wants either, which is to have him quit uni and be the partner and father she wants him to be.

The same goes for the couple in the Reddit thread mentioned earlier. He doesn’t get to force her to have any sort of relationship with their kid.

I’m not ‘excusing’ him because he’s male. I don’t think anyone should be obliged to have or raise a child they don’t want. I would, and have, argued just as strongly for women.

and no one said morality didn’t exist. Of course morality exists, pick ten different people and get told ten completely different moral values. What is being said is that personal morality is just that - personal. Individual moral values have authority for those that hold them.

as for suffering - that’s a product of life and of living. Sometimes you only get to choose between shit options. It’s not like enforced morality has anything like a good track record when it comes to preventing human misery, in fact it has explicitly caused it.

So? He’s going to uni, so what he could choose to do as an alternative isn’t relevant.

@LittleBearPad he can go to his local job centre, government websites etc. He can work his way up in a career. In 5 years he be in a managerial role and have no debt.

When he gets out of Uni he will be in a junior doctor starting at the bottom and working his way up.

@lovelyboneslove which careers?

Professional and most non-professional careers require degrees.