18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

I know 😂

@achillestoes

i absolutely think this 18 year old should have an abortion rather than expect her ex boyfriend to jack in Cambridge and stay at home and get any old job to fund her choice

100%

most agree with me, it’s you that’s the outlier here

"I believe that the young man in this should acknowledge his responsibility, do all he possibly can to provide financial and practical support and forge a long term parental relationship with his child. If he doesn't move mountains to do so, he will be very wrong. I do not however think he should give up Cambridge or carry on in a relationship that is clearly going nowhere, because nothing will be gained for this child by doing so."

Well said.

@achillestoes

also what is “disgusting” about thinking the 18 year old should have an abortion?

her deception is disgusting as is her threatening to accuse him of rape. Aborted an unwanted foetus - not disgusting, it’s sensible

@LuckySantangelo35

Our opinions of what she should do with her body aren’t relevant. Pro choice means that.

It’s like stepping back in time on this thread. Man gets protection of everyone pointing out how bright and wonderful he is and how little his choices should narrow based on his actions, woman gets told what she should do, other woman gets a lot of grief for pointing out that abortion is a decision for a woman to make and nobody else.

It feels like some of the posters have an agenda.

I also think this for the girl’s sake not just the boys.

They are barely adults. They should both be off to university with all the opportunities it affords them footloose and fancy free! With robust contraception in their pockets!

Clearly not an unwanted foetus, though.

The GF also has a place at Uni - which she could take up AND have the baby if she chose to. Many others have done both. It’s not easy of course, but if the will is there it’s doable and most Unis now are set up to support young mothers. She also has her own mother who seems more than willing to give support.

There is no reason why EITHER these young people have to give up their futures.

But the GF has declared she isn’t that bothered about Uni anyway. That’s her choice. But that’s got NOTHING to do with the OPs brother and HIS choices.

She has decided not to go to Uni. Fine. She does not get to make that choice for OPs brother.

He is not ‘abandoning’ a child. It does not yet exist. He is not in a relationship with the mother.

Once the child is born - THEN he has FINANCIAL responsibilities, which he has already declared he fully intends to meet. How much he is able to do so will be minimal to start with, but will increase over time. He has also declared he intends to be a part of the child’s life. The CHILD’s life - NOT the GF. He can gain access through the courts if needs be.

The GF needs to accept that she is not in a relationship with him anymore - she is a single parent and needs to plan for that - also keeping in mind that the father will not be able to contribute a huge amount more than the minimum for certainly the first few years.

She could go to Uni to improve her own earning power - but it sounds like she won’t. She could also find work, with her mother supporting with childcare - but that’s sounds unlikely either from the OP as she’s expecting him to do it all.

This is 2022 not 1952. IMO the Gf needs to STOP placing ALL the responsibility for the future on the boyfriend - he’s made his choices and is prepared to accept his legal and financial responsibilities. Now SHE needs to own HER choices. She has chosen to keep the baby. Fine. She knows she has a supportive mother, willing to house her and care for the child. She can go to Uni as planned, which may improve her employment and earning - or not. She can get a job and provide for herself and the child - or not.

These are her choices to make. She does NOT get to dictate the choices the OPs brother makes.

^this^

@achillestoes

noone is disputing the fact that it is her body and her choice

what isn’t her choice though is to the degree to which her ex boyfriend is willing to parent. He doesn’t want this kid and he’s off to Cambridge. She cannot do anything about that. Tough shit.

if she wants the baby that much then she’ll have it regardless, if it was him that she wanted via trapping him with a baby it’s backfired massively and she could well opt for an abortion

woman gets told what she should do, other woman gets a lot of grief for pointing out that abortion is a decision for a woman to make and nobody else.

Absolutely it’s her decision BUT SHE CANT FORCE HIM TO CHANGE HIS PLANS BECAUSE OF THE DECISION SHE MAKES.

Shouting intentional!

I get it, Lucky. You think “tough shit” because you think it’s okay for him to walk away from his child. I think it’s disgusting. We differ. That’s life.

@achillestoes

well it is

it’s not a baby it can’t live out or the women, it’s a foetus and it’s father doesn’t want it

so yes it is an unwanted foetus

Achilles - although I don't agree with you, you are entitled to your view and I can sympathise with where you are coming from to some extent. Its just that, in this case, there is nothing to be gained from this boy not going to uni. The 'relationship' with the ex will probably become more toxic. I doubt she's going to hand over a newborn to him anyway - and if she does, the baby is going to be used as a bargaining chip. She will no doubt be in a new relationship soon enough - maybe she'll have more kids in the next few years? She has already told him he's not allowed to date anyone else at uni - imagine what she'll be like if he stays local.

I understand that she is young too and she's obviously struggling a lot and she sounds all over the place at the moment. She may calm down and let's hope she does. But she can't just demand that he should suddenly want a child and to be with her and give up his future - in the face of him telling her otherwise. That is insane.

@achillestoes

WHAT CHILD??

What agenda? That she has to make choices based on the situation she’s in, rather than the one she wants to be in? That threatening to cry rape isn’t justifiable because she’s not getting what she wants? That lying about contraception isn’t a good idea? That no one is obliged to raise a child they don’t want?

if that’s what’s you mean by an agenda, sure. If you mean that there’s some nefarious plot underway because people have the audacity to hold a contrary opinion? Yeah, not so much on that one. You’re not Julius Caesar.

He could get a full time job like every other 18 year old that doesn't go to Uni. He can use that money to support his child.

I’m surprised he doesn’t want to see the baby at the scans. Particularly if he wants to be a good father in the long run.

I also think that he should go to uni with a view to a much better future for his child,

but saying he won’t attend scans or hospital appointments etc is the start of being a good and involved father. He’s more or less labelled everything ‘inappropriate’ that he doesn’t want to do.

When I say I can sympathise with achilles to some extent, what I mean is, I can obviously see how having an abortion at 12 weeks would be a totally different scenario to having one at 6 weeks, or when you just find out you are pregnant. If this girl really is 12 weeks now, this is a horrendous decision for her to have to make (if she goes for the abortion) and one she will have to live with for life. So will he. If the reality of it doesn't hit him now, it may do when he's dealing with babies as a doctor. There are no easy choices here for either of them.

Really these two kids are in a predicament and nobody can tell them what to do. It is the girl's decision as to whether she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy. Her body, her choice. But she can't trap him.

He does have a moral duty to provide for a child that is his. But, to do this best, he needs a long-term strategy. That is the most responsible approach. In the future, he will be better able to provide for his child if he has a profession, rather than just a job. Children get more expensive as they get older. He can't be with the mother. That ship has sailed. He can't just hang around in her orbit either. Who knows whether she'll give him access to the child? Who knows what she will do at this point?

@LuckySantangelo35
Fetus/baby/child
He needs to take responsibility and be there emotionally and financially for the unborn child.
He is not going to be able to do this by going to Uni. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions and unborn child.

He could get a full time job like every other 18 year old that doesn't go to Uni. He can use that money to support his child.

But he wants to go to uni. Why shouldn't he go? He didn't decide to keep this baby, she did. That's her choice and it's his choice to still go to uni. Both have choices.

He doesn’t need to do anything bar provide what he is required to financially. He has said he wants to be involved with the child - not the gf.

Your posts are so depressing. They reveal an absolute lack of ambition and aspiration.

He could get a full time job like every other 18 year old that doesn't go to Uni. He can use that money to support his child

What part of the numbers don’t stack up don’t you understand? He can’t earn enough.

The reason he won’t go to scans and antenatal appointments is because he’s not the mother’s partner. My baby’s father didn’t go to a single antenatal appointment and we were married!

OP - I had a baby at Uni, unplanned. I read Law at a Russell Group Uni and graduated with a 2:1. Her father and I were together initially but separated when she was two. It was a teenage relationship that should have ended when we went to Uni (we were at the same one). Please feel free to PM me if you want.

‘But he wants to go to uni. Why shouldn't he go?’

Because he made a baby, and that’s where the man’s decision-making part of this lies. He doesn’t get abortion rights because he doesn’t need them, but that doesn’t cancel out his responsibility.

And as for why he shouldn’t have everything he wants, why shouldn’t we all have what we want? I want a long lie in tomorrow - might just leave the kids to go hungry. I want to buy a puppy. Might just exchange the dog. Sod him, I don’t want him.

You can say morals don’t exist, but it’s a poor argument that leads to suffering.