18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Sorry there was more of a delay in posting that than I planned

Sons friend junior doctor now. His hours are awful he s on the rota every Bank holiday, he's still studying. He's married with a baby. So either her parents stay with her or she comes home so he can study in peace.

Other friends two DCs doing medicine, they're hollow eyed young men. Going into 4th and 5th year. Their out of term time is spent working in hospitals.

They're not able to be physically present for family life of any quality for a long time yet

@lovelyboneslove

what child?!

Men don't get the choice as to whether to continue the pregnancy or not, they can however, choose to be involved or not. Its choice on both sides.

Pretty sure that if a man said he was wearing a condom and then secretly slipped it off near the end, nobody would be saying conception was the woman's fault for believing him.

Equally, it’s a shame that in 2022 that people are deluding themselves into believing that lying about contraception is in any way going to result in the fairytale happy ending. it’s a shame that anyone would even consider this course of action to be a good idea.

What people are saying is that she needs to come to terms with her reality and accept that she can’t control his actions. No matter who you are or what decision you’re having to make in life, you have to consider the situation you’re actually in, not the situation you want to be in.

Are her options great? No, but they’re her options. She’s not entitled to get what she wants here. Neither is he (which would presumably be an ex girlfriend that isn’t pregnant). They both have choices, and neither one has to like the other’s. He has control over his life, just as she has control over her life and her pregnancy.

Sometimes you have to make a decision when the only options open to you are shit ones. That’s life.

Do people seriously use the pill AND condoms in a monogamous relationship?

I think @achillestoes showed their true colours with their disgust that the idea of an abortion was even raised. If you're pregnant at 18, it is nuts to ignore the fact that abortion exists.

‘Morally’ is meaningless. It’s an unenforceable value that has no impact on anyone but the person holding it to be true. The most you can do with ‘morally’ here is use it to justify tutting at someone via an online forum.

You can think he has a moral duty as much as you like, he’s not obliged to care.

And she isn't? Trying to trap him with a pregnancy, accusing him of rape, turning up at his working screaming? He needs to stay away from her, not the baby when it is here but she is clearly dangerous.

@Snoozer11

My disgust is at the idea that anyone should think an 18 YO should have to have an abortion rather than be able to expect the the support of the other parent who is morally responsible for their own sexual activity. Abortion isn’t something everyone has to think is fine. I’m pro-choice, upfront about it, and have no “true colours” to hide.

I'm not sure any pregnant 18 year old can expect much.

But he has offered support. He has offered financial help and to help in the 28 weeks of the year when he is not at university. That's likely for two years.

Your problem, frankly, is that he hasn't immediately thrown all of his plans away and bent to this woman's whims - no matter how unreasonable - the second he found out she was pregnant. A pregnancy which has resulted from her dishonesty and deception.

Thought you were going.

You’re back

You cannot enforce your morality - you can enforce the law.

The law requires a financial contribution. That’s it.

You can be disgusted about that fact. That’s up to you

You could also be disgusted about the ex-gf’s deception with regard to contraception and duration of pregnancy and the accusations of rape. Ironically the last the law also doesn’t look kindly on.

My mum said to me once when I was very young to not have a child unless I was willing to do everything for them without help. That help and support may well be there but it wasn’t guaranteed and the women is always left with the baby.

At the time I was horrified but I see now she’s right.

And it’s all very well saying he should support them. With what? You can’t give what you don’t have. That’s the reality of a teen pregnancy.

There’s that word again. When I was pregnant and I didn’t want to be, a pro lifer would have told me I was morally responsible to have a kid. What did that mean to me? Did it have any bearing on my decision whatsoever? Was I compelled to give a shit? The answers are ‘nothing’, ‘no’ and ‘lol no’: I don’t buy or eat meat that has been industrially farmed because I think it’s morally wrong. Does that mean that you’re held to my standards? Fuck no, of course it doesn’t!

your beliefs as to what he’s morally responsible for are irrelevant.

@whumpthereitis

I’m not holding him to my standards. He can do what he likes and I can think it’s morally wrong, which is exactly what you’re saying about meat. You don’t just prefer not to eat it, you think it’s the wrong thing to do. I think abandoning your child is the wrong thing to do. I said so. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Actually I remember a Reddit thread from a while ago. A guy got his girlfriend pregnant and whilst she wanted an abortion, he didn’t. She agreed to have the baby on the understanding that he would immediately take custody and she would have nothing to do with the baby or him. To his surprise she kept to her word. He wanted to know if he could force her to be a co parent. He got thousands of posters (rightly) telling him to leave her the fuck alone and that he should suck it up because he got what he asked for.

Male or female, no one should be expected to raise a child they don’t want.

Fine. But you’ve said it many many times. Where does it get you?

There’s a difference between having an opinion, and presenting it like you’re an authority issuing a dictat that should be acknowledged as fact.

‘I choose not to’ is not ‘you should/shouldn’t…’

@whumpthereitis

I really think I’ve only presented my views here.

yes, as fact. That’s what people are disputing.

Ad fucking nauseum.

@whumpthereitis

If that’s so (I don’t think it is) other people are doing it as well. Anyway, I think I gave an opinion. Read how many times my posts are “I think” or “my view” or “my ideas”. No facts are presented. I believe he’s morally responsible for the baby. I accept others disagree.

@Blossomtoes

Well, sorry you feel that way. It’s just a discussion.

My mother was pregnant with me outside marriage in 1962. My father's response was to sack her. Her best friend (my godmother) was at university and knew a lot of medical students, some of whom were pro choice even then and she was thus offered the possibility of a relatively safe (if illegal) termination. She chose not to and it was not easy. I blame my father (who I have met once in my life) for the rape he committed, for the cowardly way he acted, for his total lack of support of any kind and his refusal to ever acknowledge me (although that is hardly surprising)

I believe that the young man in this should acknowledge his responsibility, do all he possibly can to provide financial and practical support and forge a long term parental relationship with his child. If he doesn't move mountains to do so, he will be very wrong. I do not however think he should give up Cambridge or carry on in a relationship that is clearly going nowhere, because nothing will be gained for this child by doing so.