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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 20/08/2022 20:02

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 19:57

Really disappointing thread like I said. In 2022, women being told to have abortions or go it alone because (inexplicably) the fathers of their babies (men smart enough to get medical degrees from Cambridge) can’t manage their own contraception. And also disappointing to get rudeness from certain posters when my ideas are expressed. Night, all.

A woman can choose to have a baby, she cannot choose for the man to be involved. That is the choice both parties make.

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 20:03

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2022 19:31

@achillestoes @lovelyboneslove

I guess what it boils down to is - he’s got ambition, she hasn’t.

The relationship was never going to work baby or no baby

this foetus does not trump his life

The baby does trump his life. He is going to be a father. This should be the most important thing in his life. Everyone has dreams and ambitions. Parents for years have had to make sacrifices for their children.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 20:03

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 19:57

Really disappointing thread like I said. In 2022, women being told to have abortions or go it alone because (inexplicably) the fathers of their babies (men smart enough to get medical degrees from Cambridge) can’t manage their own contraception. And also disappointing to get rudeness from certain posters when my ideas are expressed. Night, all.

She isn’t being told to have an abortion by him.

She’s making the choice to continue the pregnancy. There are consequences of that decision that she has to live with. But they don’t include her ex-bf throwing his life down the swanny.

He’s doing and will do what he has to. This doesn’t include going to scans or taking a crap job.

You are clearly angry (for reasons that aren’t clear) and can’t leave the thread but that’s how it is.

passport123 · 20/08/2022 20:05

Hang on. Medicine is 6 years. During which he isn't going to have much earning power. But after that he'll be an F1, for which the current starting salary is £29,384, so he can pay maintenance. If she had been a bit more sensible then there might have been a discussion about him doing his junior dr years part time to do some of the childcare. But behaving like this is likely to mean he pays the minimum CMS mandated and nothing else.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 20:05

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 20:03

The baby does trump his life. He is going to be a father. This should be the most important thing in his life. Everyone has dreams and ambitions. Parents for years have had to make sacrifices for their children.

Show quote history

No one needs to martyr themselves to be a parent. If you have done that I’m really sorry.

passport123 · 20/08/2022 20:06

passport123 · 20/08/2022 20:05

Hang on. Medicine is 6 years. During which he isn't going to have much earning power. But after that he'll be an F1, for which the current starting salary is £29,384, so he can pay maintenance. If she had been a bit more sensible then there might have been a discussion about him doing his junior dr years part time to do some of the childcare. But behaving like this is likely to mean he pays the minimum CMS mandated and nothing else.

(Cambridge medicine is 6y before someone comes on to say you can do it in 5)

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 20:06

It’s because I think the attitudes here are immoral and negligent towards the wellbeing of children, @LittleBearPad. No big mystery to it.

But I will leave the thread. My point is made anyway.

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 20:07

This should be the most important thing in his life

Why? He doesn’t want to be a father.

Hopeandlove · 20/08/2022 20:08

Please make him log her behaviour and accusation now with the police. He must do this to protect himself and everyone needs to go nc with her and her family. Him changing his phone and going abroad is the best option until uno starts is best.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2022 20:08

@achillestoes

what child are you on about? There are no children in this scenario. The girlfriend is pregnant with a foetus, it’s not a baby it can’t live independently outside of her body.

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 20:09

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 20:07

This should be the most important thing in his life

Why? He doesn’t want to be a father.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't want to be. He is going to be. He will responsible for another human being.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 20:10

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 20:06

It’s because I think the attitudes here are immoral and negligent towards the wellbeing of children, @LittleBearPad. No big mystery to it.

But I will leave the thread. My point is made anyway.

It isn’t a child. It won’t be for months if at all once reality sinks in for ex-gf and she realises that she’s not going to get what she wants.

SeasonFinale · 20/08/2022 20:10

Anyone wondering whether her mother was a bit more involved in her plan to trap him with a pregnancy. The OP refers to her mother believing he was due a big inheritance at 21 (which he isn't) and mother being shocked at that.

Poor lad sounds like he has been targeted as a meal ticket!

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 20/08/2022 20:10

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 20:06

It’s because I think the attitudes here are immoral and negligent towards the wellbeing of children, @LittleBearPad. No big mystery to it.

But I will leave the thread. My point is made anyway.

There is no child yet. You're sounding very pro life, more with every post.

Twizbe · 20/08/2022 20:10

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 19:57

Really disappointing thread like I said. In 2022, women being told to have abortions or go it alone because (inexplicably) the fathers of their babies (men smart enough to get medical degrees from Cambridge) can’t manage their own contraception. And also disappointing to get rudeness from certain posters when my ideas are expressed. Night, all.

How many more times on the contraception thing.

They were a couple and their agreed method was the pill.

SHE missed the pills and DID NOT tell him nor did she proactively access emergency contraception.

As far as HE was aware he had sorted his contraception.

It is not beyond reasonable that a COUPLE trust each other.

Hands up how many of us here rely on one person in the relationship for the contraception 🙋‍♀️

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 20/08/2022 20:12

It doesn't matter that he doesn't want to be. He is going to be. He will responsible for another human being.

Financially responsible yes, anything more, no.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2022 20:12

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 20:03

The baby does trump his life. He is going to be a father. This should be the most important thing in his life. Everyone has dreams and ambitions. Parents for years have had to make sacrifices for their children.

Show quote history

@lovelyboneslove

why does the baby trump his life? Because it’s younger ?

it’s not even a baby, it’s a foetus, it can’t live independently outside of its mothers body. It’s not a human, it’s not a person.

a cluster of cells does NOT trump OP’s brother who is a person with dreams, hopes, thoughts and feelings who must have worked really
hard to get into Cambridge

he is more important than that cluster of cells

Twizbe · 20/08/2022 20:12

SeasonFinale · 20/08/2022 20:10

Anyone wondering whether her mother was a bit more involved in her plan to trap him with a pregnancy. The OP refers to her mother believing he was due a big inheritance at 21 (which he isn't) and mother being shocked at that.

Poor lad sounds like he has been targeted as a meal ticket!

I doubt the mother was that involved. I think the ex girlfriend has done a Mr Thorpe on it.

She liked him, saw him as a good future prospect and invented a lot of his future.

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 20:13

@LittleBearPad I'm sorry you feel that way. It's sad that you think the child's needs first is an issue.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2022 20:15

@lovelyboneslove

people used to have to sacrifice their dreams and ambitions to be parents yeah back in the day when abortions were not readily available and there was no such thing as morning after pill

nowadays no one has to be a Martyr and sacrifice themselves to parent a kid they never wanted. Hallelujah!

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 20:15

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 20/08/2022 20:12

It doesn't matter that he doesn't want to be. He is going to be. He will responsible for another human being.

Financially responsible yes, anything more, no.

Financially and morally yes.

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 20:15

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 20:13

@LittleBearPad I'm sorry you feel that way. It's sad that you think the child's needs first is an issue.

There is no child.

SO224350 · 20/08/2022 20:16

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 18:42

Maybe she should have thought of that when she decided to play Russian Roulette with her pill without telling him @achillestoes.

This for sure! Yes it takes two to make a baby but it's the woman who has to give birth and usually the lions share of the care. If she didn't want that then she should have been more careful.

whumpthereitis · 20/08/2022 20:16

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 20:03

The baby does trump his life. He is going to be a father. This should be the most important thing in his life. Everyone has dreams and ambitions. Parents for years have had to make sacrifices for their children.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter what you believe he should think or feel though, does it? He cannot be forced to be an involved father. He cannot be forced to care. You can say he needs to be doing this that and the other until you’re blue in the face, it’s not going to make one iota of difference. It won’t change the reality.

He can’t be forced to do anything but pay maintenance, which is in fact the only thing he’s responsible for.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 20:16

🙋🏻‍♀️

Should DH insist on go on the pill which I hate because condoms alone aren’t sufficient?

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