18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

If you were pro choice you wouldn’t talk about killing babies @achillestoes. You’ve totally outed yourself.

@lovelyboneslove

how’s he gonna get himself a good job with few qualifications

and she’s CHOOSING to make the sacrifices by not having an abortion so that’s what she has to live with. He doesn’t have to live with it, he can do what he wants - go to uni, travel, live it up. And why shouldn’t he?! She could do all that stuff too but she’s choosing against it by choosing to continue being pregnant

Just wanted to say your DB is fortunate to have you supporting him as it must be really tough for him & obviously for his ex GF too. I could imagine a young person spiralling at this situation - which it sounds like his ex GF sadly is.

I wonder if the forgetting to take her pill at such a critical time is an attempt on her part to prevent them separating - as she will have known they would be going to separate universities & that their relationship was under threat.

Of course it could be a genuine mistake - or done completely unconsciously. As the acting out, threats of rape & manipulative behaviour (pregnancy test performance) suggest she’s acting out her emotions & not rationalising them or expressing them in a functional way.

She would benefit from professional help - she’s clearly under huge amounts of stress, been shouldering her secret for months on top of exam stress & fears of being abandoned by him etc. So I do sympathise with her. But her actions suggest she learn try to verbalise her true feelings & express them - rather than acting them out in ways that are proving very destructive for all parties.

Yes of course he is responsible too - perhaps he should have also worn a condom but how many young people do if they’re in a LTR & believe they are already using contraception?? Surely if she’d told him she’d forgotten to take her pill he would have.

Wishing all parties well - hats off to you for being a good rudder to steer them both through it.

@Blossomtoes

Nonsense. I am strongly pro-choice. The assumption that an abortion is a minor thing is yours, and the girlfriend is within her rights not to agree with you.

@LuckySantangelo35 he can get a job like every other 18 year old that hasn't gone to university.
His responsibility it to his child and to be in the child's life.

‘how many young people do if they’re in a LTR & believe they are already using contraception??’

He didn’t believe he was using contraception. He believed she was, and had no reason to think it was infallible. He should have taken his own precautions, and now he has (instead) his own responsibility.

@achillestoes

did you not read the bit about her accusing him of rape??

he absolutely should block her
her behaviour is vile

No, it isn’t. He’s responsible for providing maintenance. That’s it.

@lovelyboneslove

he doesn’t want the child though!

So why should he?! Why should he stay home and get a job and jack in Cambridge?

Why should a clump of cells damage his entire life?!

And don’t say he shouldn’t have worn a condom, I’m sure we’ve all made mistakes and been more careless with contraception than we should have been in our day but most of us don’t have to sacrifice our whole future and flush our lives down the toilet for it do we?

He should have taken his own precautions

I expect he would have done if she hadn’t lied to him. Anyway that’s entirely pointless, it’s done. However much you and your new friend think a highly intelligent guy (who will through his career choice probably be of more benefit to society than all of us combined) should throw it all away, it ain’t happening.

Quite.

They were also leaving this whole thread a few pages back.

@achillestoes scroll back and follow through. Thanks.

He is responsible for the conception. They both are. She is responsible for choosing to have the baby, and will be responsible for the care of the baby. Is it a shit position? Sure. It’s a shit position that is a direct result of the choices she has made.

He’s made her aware of where he stands and what he will and will not do. She doesn’t get to dictate to him what he’s free to do, any more than he gets to dictate to her.

and no, I don’t think the prospective grandmothers are responsible for providing, either.

@achillestoes

abortion is more minor and less of an undertaking than continuing with a pregnancy and having to parent for the rest of your life when you are 18 and your child’s father doesn’t want the child

achillestoes - if it was the ex-gf who was about to start a medicine degree or even going to Cambridge for something else, I would still be arguing she should do that if possible. Cambridge don't usually like deferred entry for STEM courses, except in exceptional circumstances, but this would surely count as exceptional circumstances. She could defer a year. Then get one of the parent and child flats they have in all colleges (I think)? Use a crèche in the day; or perhaps her mum could stay with her in term time.

This is not the case though. It sounds as if this girl is "meh" about education to say the least. She has said herself that she doesn't see the point of uni. So how did she think it was ever going to work with a Cambridge medical student then - even without the baby? What do these young people have in common beyond this pregnancy? Nothing. She is only looking at the short term. But other people don't see life like that.

What was this girl playing at do you think? She knew he'd got an Oxbridge medicine place. I'm sure this was a big deal in the school they go to. So she forgets to take the pill a few times? Whether this was conscious or not, we will never know, so I can't speculate on that. But then, she tells him to go and buy a pregnancy test so she can do the whole "Surprise!" thing - all the while knowing she is already pregnant! Does that not strike you as odd? Then she tells him she's 6 weeks pregnant. But as the realisation dawns that he's not going to just drop his whole life plan; get a job in Tesco or whatever and be all coupled up and chatting baby names - she then announces she's actually 12 weeks pregnant!!!

Still this isn't enough to 'get him back' so.... having made a scene at his work about how he is forcing her to have an abortion, not to mention a threat to ring Cambridge and tell them he raped her, she is now planning a lovely scan for Monday because she just KNOWS this will make him realise how much he loves her and wants the baby really.

He would be a fool if he panders to all this frankly.

@achillestoes @lovelyboneslove

I guess what it boils down to is - he’s got ambition, she hasn’t.

The relationship was never going to work baby or no baby

this foetus does not trump his life

He didn’t believe he was using contraception. He believed she was, and had no reason to think it was infallible. He should have taken his own precautions, and now he has (instead) his own responsibility.

Then in that case ALL health literature should be changed & all contraceptive devices be updated to say that they should all be used WITH condoms WITHOUT fail every time.

Why would people pump themselves with hormones if that was the case?

Of course there are times when the pill is less effective (sickness, medications, etc (www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/combined-contraceptive-pill).

Unfortunately accidents happen. Humans are infallible. Trust is a necessary part of a relationship. He trusted that she was taking it.

Of course he won’t make the mistake of trusting any other partner now.

She could have told him she forgot it. She chose not to.

She could have gone for emergency contraception - she chose not to.

And lol at the shrugging off her deception because contraception isn’t infallible, like there’s no meaningful difference between an accident and a deliberate action. Condoms can fail, I don’t think the same posters would be so quick to use this fact to excuse a man choosing to stealth.

If you’re going to flounce then at least make good on your word.

@achillestoes I don't think you realise it takes two to make a baby.

OP's brother consented to have sex with someone he trusted, based on the understanding that she was on the pill. The ex girlfriend was aware of this, knew she wasn't on the pill but proceded to have sex anyway, under false pretences.

She's now pregnant, as a result of her not using the agreed contraception and him mistakingly placing his trust in someone.

She now has exactly one choice: whether to have the baby, or terminate the pregnancy.

She does not have the right to dictate where he lives, where he works, when he works or what he spends his money on.

He has behaved very well, in my opinion, done the decent thing and stepped up to agree to take financial responsibility and has been wholly honest with what she can expect from him.

She has - at best - embarrassed him publicly at work, threatened to accuse him of rape, tried to manipulate his emotions and not accepted his intentions. At worst, you could say she has committed sexual assault by having sex under false pretences in a deliberate way to conceive and control his future, but no matter how likely this sounds, this is conjecture.

You've attacked his character throughout the thread, suggesting that he's careless and daft and insinuating that he's trying to pressure her into an unwanted abortion. Hes 18!

Life isn't perfect. People have to make hard choices. Years ago, there was no choice. But there is now. She has the facts in front of her - she has to assess these and weigh up whether or not she can raise a child. It's tough, but those are the breaks.

Babies are rarely born into perfect situations, but there's nothing "morally" wrong with the father of a child making his own choices in life.

I'm puzzled as to why you think a medical student in fact any student is only at college for 22 weeks a year.

Really disappointing thread like I said. In 2022, women being told to have abortions or go it alone because (inexplicably) the fathers of their babies (men smart enough to get medical degrees from Cambridge) can’t manage their own contraception. And also disappointing to get rudeness from certain posters when my ideas are expressed. Night, all.

Cambridge terms are 8 weeks long ie 24 weeks. Certain subjects require students in 0 and 9 week though not so much in the first year. This is how the maths works.

"I'm puzzled as to why you think a medical student in fact any student is only at college for 22 weeks a year."

Cambridge terms are shorter then other unis - only 8 weeks. They are intense terms though and they strongly advise against part-time jobs in term time. At Cambridge, the first few years of a medical degree are all theory and they don't see patients until the second half of the degree (as I understand it). Of course, he will have work to do over the Xmas and Easter breaks and the Summer one too. But college accommodation is for three terms each of 8 weeks and you have to clear the rooms inbetween.

Sorry cross post with LittleBearPad.