18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Of course she can, plenty of women work and have childcare. He can do his share in the 28 weeks of the year when he isn't at uni although I can imagine a thread on here with a single young mum upset as ex wants the baby with him 50% of the time and all the advice about he can't have the baby until you stop breastfeeding probably when the "baby" is starting school.

@Blossomtoes

He played the same game. Not wanting a baby (really not wanting one, and knowing he couldn’t look after one) he had no reason not to attend to his own risk.

Are you familiar with the concept of thinking you may want to break up with someone but not being 100% sure, and taking time to reach a conclusion?

‘He can do his share in the 28 weeks of the year when he isn't at uni.’

There are 52 weeks in a year, so if he’s prepared to do all the parenting for 6 months of the year, that’s true, he might be able to fit in his share.

Yes his big mistake was trusting the ex. He will know that and has 18 years of child support to reinforce the message. She tricked him by not taking the pill and she will also have 18 years to reflect on that.

She should have been released to study. ASAP. Make plan for it. It's like cuckoo land. Furthering the mother's education does more for the kid then furthering the dad's. It's always the case. I am off. This is is 1800, not 1950.

Do you think she'll let him?

@ancientgran

I couldn’t say. He should have that conversation instead of refusing to attend scans and (as is being suggested here) changing his number so his pregnant girlfriend can’t contact him.

So the baby will be born in February by the dates indicated, he'll be home for Easter break in March? And you think there's a chance she will hand the baby over for x weeks while he's home? You have to be joking.

She told him that conceiving the baby was a gift from the universe for both of them (she is somewhat alternative and does talk like this) and that his reaction was shock and that she knows he loves her and will love their baby. She said she was willing to move to Cambridge to be with him. She also said she had booked a private scan, window into the womb or similar, for them both on Monday (money that would clearly be better spent on something else) and that she was sure he’d feel differently and “just as excited as she is” after that.

She is absolutely delusional and I'm glad your DB set her straight. Tough honesty is needed. If she wants to keep the pregnancy, then she needs to completely understand it won't be happy families.

@ancientgran

Has he asked her? No, so this is moot. But it it’s not practical it’s back to the drawing board to work out how to meet his responsibilities.

How do you suggest he does half of the parenting as an 18 year old having to support himself? Most he’d be able to afford is a room in a house share, and that’s hardly an ideal space to be rising a child is it?

What do you actually think is a realistic plan of action?

Of course it’s not ideal. Neither is it ideal for a baby to have no dad because he’s busy doing other things. He could rent and do childcare during the day so his ex could earn the money. He needs to work out how to manage this situation.

He didn’t. He believed her when she sad she was taking the pill. She lied to him.

You really think a newborn baby being handed over to dad for weeks on end is best for the baby just so it can tick the box of dad doing 50%

Theres also plenty of families where the parents are together but one works far away, does a lot of business trips, is in the armed forces, etc.

There is no one fits all ideal situation. In this case the most realistic option is for him to go to uni, and do what he can in the holidays. As long as he is honest with ex and she has a fair understanding of how the situation is going to play out then it is up to her whether she is happy to keep the baby and raise it with what OP’s DB is able to do, or whether this is not suitable for her and unfortunately she can choose to be abort her planned baby.

Can I move to where you are? I would love to know where an 18 year old can afford to rent with no family support. And where people have magical capabilities of doing childcare all day in the week and then work all night and at weekends to afford this magical rental.

I think being willing to do your half is better than abandoning your kid.

And he’s not ‘working away’. He will have no income. He will not be providing. So the comparisons with people working away to support their children are a bit out there, tbh.

@PinkFrogss

But of course we expect this of women. Or we expect their families to step in.

The insistence here isn’t that he couldn’t stay at home, find work, contribute, share the cost of childcare. It’s that he shouldn’t have to, that it’s fine to expect her to, and that men’s wants (as always) come before everyone else’s needs.

No it’s not expected at all. She doesn’t have to have this baby. Her family are willing to support her, she does not need to move out and rent, she will face the exact same predicament as him.

I haven’t seen anyone on this thread suggest she is forced to keep the baby.

But coming up with unrealistic ideas of what OPs DS should be doing isn’t the answer either, and probably would not work out as best for anyone involved including the child

Exactly this!
He should step up and take responsibility. He is going to be a father and he needs to be focusing on this.

Again, I don’t think it’s okay to say you’re not going to do your share so she has the option of killing it. She has the right to seek an abortion. He doesn’t. He has the right not to get someone pregnant. He did so.

My eldest DD is about to complete med school. Its a tad niave to assume that anyone reading medicine is like an arts degree and will only have to do three lots of eight weeks per year. DD has had to study right round the clock. Her Uni holidays where spent working for free on ward/clinical/A&E resus placements. I think at most she has had three weeks off per year the rest really has been study, placement and those placments involved some pretty antisocial hours and weekends. Getting a place to study at Med school is but the start of years of hard slog to get to the other end. DD has stuck at it as it is where her heart really lies. She was working horrible hours in complex needs healthcare that just about covered her own bills before she applied to Med school. She will still be working similar horrible round the clock hours but her starting salary from October means she can now think of buying a house and has better work conditions. I can understand why taking up the place to study would benefit a child in the longer term. The immature relationship between your DB and ex GF has run its course. This is about providing for the future needs and best interests of his child and sadly that will not be through a ghastly minimum wage and zero hours contract at 18.

Exactly. Refusing to attend scans and then not talking to her. He is just playing with emotions and mental health.

Ah okay I get your agenda now. I don’t think anyone has suggested the baby should be killed Unless you’re trying to say abortion is murder. Which it’s not

And it’s not unrealistic to suggest he could do more than he is offering to do (which as far as I can tell is ‘sometimes see his baby’). He has options. He could do an apprenticeship instead of a degree. He could do a shorter degree or a part-time degree. He might not get to be a doctor. But that’s because (now) he has responsibilities.