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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 20/08/2022 14:14

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 14:10

There’s a lot of effort here going into the idea that ‘promising’ and ‘intelligent’ young men should have basically any level of excuses made for dumping their kids on society and looking after number one. We should expect better. He’s smart enough to be doctor, he’s smart enough to work this out.

I’m out.

I don’t think promising or intelligent young women should have to give up opportunities for the sake of raising children either 🤷🏻‍♀️ The thing is, she’s choosing to (as is her right).

I don’t think anyone should be expected to birth and raise children they don’t want.

sevenwonder · 20/08/2022 14:16

Well thank god he has a statement retracting the rape comment in writing (as well as this thread). This is something, I guess.

She sounds desperate OP. I don't know what to say really. This could play out for some time to come.

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 14:22

She really is completely delusional @SnickersTwix. Why would she move somewhere with no support network to follow someone who’s told her several times he doesn’t want her? A shitty one bed flat in Cambridge is £1200 a month, where’s the money coming from?

The only positive development here is her acknowledgment of how vile her untrue rape accusation was. Did your brother not block her as he said he would? If not, it’s high time he did. He really must stop engaging with her, it’s just dragging it out and it’s no good to anyone.

sevenwonder · 20/08/2022 14:23

Also, as I understand it, those 'window on the womb' type scans are not medical scans where they can look for any abnormalities. It's more a foetal image or video to a choice of music. Be fully prepared for her to email him a copy of that by one means or another. Even if she gets the scan centre to do it (because he's blocked her).

itwasntmetho · 20/08/2022 14:23

That would be a recipe for a traumatic childhood if he were around.

This is an embryo and already being used to control him, can you imagine the emotional games this immature self absorbed girl will play with that kid if he doesn't make himself miserable shacking up with her.

Going back to the lack of condom, I've been in three relationships where I've been on the pill and my ex's haven't worn condoms, I don't judge those exes for that, they trusted me. If I'd become pregnant and they didn't want the baby I think that would be their prerogative, like it would be mine to abort if I didn't, even if they'd wanted it. What I would judge them for is taking that decision from me and pressuring me to abort, that would be awful and I couldn't forgive that.

sevenwonder · 20/08/2022 14:25

Maybe she has heard that Cambridge can and do provide accommodation for couples / families? Some of it is quite nice too - could this be what she's angling for?

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 14:31

sevenwonder · 20/08/2022 14:25

Maybe she has heard that Cambridge can and do provide accommodation for couples / families? Some of it is quite nice too - could this be what she's angling for?

It might be but as they are neither a couple nor a family it’s not likely to work

strawberrymelon88 · 20/08/2022 15:00

The GF is delusional and whatever your son says will not change her mind. She has built a wall around her delusions.

He needs to be smart and get her to say in the whatsapp that he did not rape her. Her apologising for making the statement in public is not a "You did not rape me"

If it were me, I would text

  1. Are you sure you want to be with me and the baby as a family ? ( she will think yes, he does...)

" I am really upset that you accused me of rape. All the time we had sex was consensual and I really cared for you. Why would you accuse me of rape ?

Hopefully, she replies " Sorry, I was angry at you blah blah blah"

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 15:17

No @strawberrymelon88. No texts, no WhatsApp, just radio silence. He needs to close her down.

Wheresthebeach · 20/08/2022 15:35

I'm sorry to read the update. She sounds like she's spiralling, has delusions about what the future holds. Your brother needs to stay away now I'm afraid. Screaming in public, false allegations etc all point to MH issues, and if they think there's more money then there is...then it all feels wrong.

I'm pleased he's not giving up his Uni place.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 16:39

strawberrymelon88 · 20/08/2022 15:00

The GF is delusional and whatever your son says will not change her mind. She has built a wall around her delusions.

He needs to be smart and get her to say in the whatsapp that he did not rape her. Her apologising for making the statement in public is not a "You did not rape me"

If it were me, I would text

  1. Are you sure you want to be with me and the baby as a family ? ( she will think yes, he does...)

" I am really upset that you accused me of rape. All the time we had sex was consensual and I really cared for you. Why would you accuse me of rape ?

Hopefully, she replies " Sorry, I was angry at you blah blah blah"

As she’s already apologised for it this isn’t needed.

Complete radio silence is what’s needed. The gf needs to know it’s over. It’s the only way she’s going to be able to choose her next steps

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 17:41

I think he needs to get himself a good job and support this baby.
It shouldn't be left to the girlfriend to do all the hard work and make sacrifices.

CoffeeWithNiles · 20/08/2022 17:49

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 17:41

I think he needs to get himself a good job and support this baby.
It shouldn't be left to the girlfriend to do all the hard work and make sacrifices.

Or maybe he should get his degree and get an even better job.

The girlfriends behaviour alone should be enough to keep him away - deliberate pregnancy, fake baby reveal when she’d known for weeks, rape allegations, causing a scene at his workplace…

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 17:49

What like being a Doctor?

Snoozer11 · 20/08/2022 17:51

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 17:41

I think he needs to get himself a good job and support this baby.
It shouldn't be left to the girlfriend to do all the hard work and make sacrifices.

Why not?

If the ex-girlfriend doesn't want the hard work and sacrifices, she can either have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption.

It was the ex-girlfriend who broke their understanding that they were having protected sex by not taking the pill and having sex without disclosing that.

Why should he be pushed into a life he doesn't want?

Crazycrazylady · 20/08/2022 18:03

Honestly the sooner he gets on a plane to go out to his friends family , the better.
She clearly thinks she can manipulate him emotionally with baby pictures etc, she needs to believe that he is away on holidays so she can see the reality of what her situation will be not as she hopes it can be.
It does seem that her and her family saw your Db as some sort of a cash cow at the very least. It must be a blow to realise that's not the case of course it would make life easier if the money side of it was simpler .
I hope that maybe I if he does head off to college your mom might be prepared to support her grandchild with some money each month.
I

PinkFrogss · 20/08/2022 18:09

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 17:41

I think he needs to get himself a good job and support this baby.
It shouldn't be left to the girlfriend to do all the hard work and make sacrifices.

You think an 18 year old can get a good enough job to support himself and a baby?

His mom has said she won’t support him, he’ll be able to beat to get a room in a house share which isn’t going to be much good for having the baby over is it.

Supporting himself when absorb most of his salary.

It’ll be better off for everyone involved in the short and long terms for him to go to Cambridge and complete his degree.

Snoozer11 · 20/08/2022 18:13

This thread is a real eye opener to the fact that there are so many people with unresolved issues still living either in the 1950s or in an alternate reality.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 18:35

It’s not “1950s” to think that when you make a baby, you have a responsibility to that baby, even if you can’t persuade the mother to terminate the pregnancy. Since when did basic accountability become “the 1950s”? I’m not suggesting he marries her. I’m suggesting he does his half of the parenting work: hardly the attitude of the ‘50s?

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 18:36

Bearing in mind that (since it’s not the 50’s) parenting can be shared and both the mother and the father can get work, with the other parent doing the childcare when they can’t. If this girl is left alone to parent her baby, she probably won’t be able to work.

justasking111 · 20/08/2022 18:40

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 18:35

It’s not “1950s” to think that when you make a baby, you have a responsibility to that baby, even if you can’t persuade the mother to terminate the pregnancy. Since when did basic accountability become “the 1950s”? I’m not suggesting he marries her. I’m suggesting he does his half of the parenting work: hardly the attitude of the ‘50s?

Well one half of the parenting from university, that really isn't doable. He's going to be flat out for the next decade . He's not going to be earning for years. Financially the girl will need to make other arrangements

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 18:42

Maybe she should have thought of that when she decided to play Russian Roulette with her pill without telling him @achillestoes.

justasking111 · 20/08/2022 18:43

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 18:36

Bearing in mind that (since it’s not the 50’s) parenting can be shared and both the mother and the father can get work, with the other parent doing the childcare when they can’t. If this girl is left alone to parent her baby, she probably won’t be able to work.

Yet many single mothers do work. Her mother has chosen to help care for the baby which will release her to work

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 18:44

Which is exactly what I’m saying. He’s going to abandon his responsibility to the child he created, because he’d rather be a doctor. In twenty years when his child tracks him down and looks him in the eye and asks where their dad was, I hope he can think of a reply better than some of these.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 18:45

So he can rely on the girlfriend, and then also the labour of a woman who had nothing to do with conceiving his child, so it can have somewhere to sleep, clothes, food etc.

Cool. Just so we’re clear.

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