18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

@sevenwonder

That’s nonsense. He could get a job and support his kid and do childcare like everyone else. And the child isn’t going to have a father who’s a doctor until it’s ten. By then, it’s a child without a father.

Anyway, I may have missed it, but did OP mention whether the girl has even had a scan yet? I'd be wanting to know -

1. is the pregnancy viable?
2. is it twins?
3. is she actually 12 weeks pregnant as she says?
4. any other issues?

That is true, but only in part. Men, and women when they couldn’t access legal abortion, have a very long history of walking away from unwanted children.

One example of the results of forcing women to have babies they didn’t want is Ceaușescu‘s Romania. A woman in the UK may get pregnant unintentionally, but very few give birth unintentionally. A woman is unlikely to abandon a child she’s actively decided to bring into the world, and wants. When a parent of either has no choice but to have a child they don’t want, abandonment is not uncommon.

*of either sex

achillestoes - the child will have a father though. One who is training to be a doctor for 3x8 weeks per year.

Many babies / children have so-called dads in their doorstep but who are willing to provide nothing.

Even within marriages, some children have fathers who work away half the time, sighed for business or who are in the military perhaps.

He can't be with the mother. This is not an option.

either - not 'sighed.'

@sevenwonder

But how is he going to provide support and childcare while he is away, to cover his share of the responsibility? That’s what people who work away are working away to do: support their families.

Something being common doesn’t make it better or worse.

@achillestoes

mistakes happen

if she won’t abort she’ll have to be happy to crack on parenting alone as he’s off!

achillestoes - I guess it's whether you take a short-term or longer-term view of 'benefit.'

People don't make the decision to apply for medicine lightly. I don't say this as an 'excuse' - but it's true. It's six years of rigorous training, especially at Cambridge. If you're that way inclined, you're that way inclined. The baby will not benefit from a resentful father. Not will he / she benefit from a father who effectively limits his earning potential at 18.

It would be different if he was just going to the local uni or something, or doing the type if degree that's could be done part-time.

It would also be different if he was actually in a relationship with the mother. He is not.

I feel sorry for the girl as she is obviously in love with him. But also, she is either extremely naive or manipulative. The texting him to say he is not allowed to have other relationships at uni says it all I think, in terms of her priorities snd state of mind. He can't just give in to this.

He will have to work in the uni holidays and contribute what he can.

Yes, the child will be about six when he finishes. I agree it's far from ideal. But the alternative is, she would be six with a father who doesn't live with her and in a dead end job.

Personally, if I were the boy's mother, I would help out in the interim. He can always pay his mother back in the future. But this mother sounds very unhelpful, which is unfortunate.

@achillestoes

so what do you suggest then?

that he packs in uni and gets a job in Tesco in order to provide for the baby in the here and now?

@LuckySantangelo35

Since it’s his kid, yes.

Anyway I’m leaving this discussion as I really find it upsetting that so many people think pressuring young women to abort the babies their sons don’t want to take responsibility for is morally A-okay.

@achillestoes

he doesn’t have to do any of that though
he can walk away
don’t blame him

@achillestoes

i don’t think it’s about pressuring her into an abortion just that she needs to know that her ex boyfriend ain’t gonna rearrange his whole life for the sake of her and the child - because he doesn’t want the baby.

She and she alone has made the decision to continue the pregnancy - he didn’t want it - so she needs to get on with it and stop hassling him cos it ain’t gonna get her her way. She only has her self to blame because whilst it took the two of them to make the pregnancy she decided not to abort.

The reality is that he won’t be able to provide financial support for the baby on a 50/50 basis for a long time. He’ll be a medical student and then a junior doctor but hopefully after that he will be able to provide financially in a meaningful way. Before that he’s going to financially provide what he can around his studies.

That said if you read my previous updates you will see we ran the numbers together on what he would be able to provide if he didn’t go to University and got an entry level clerical job (which looks like the best thing he can get with A levels). Our mother will not allow him to live at home and once he’s rented a room, paid his own living expenses his ability to offer anything meaningfully financially would be very limited. Yes he would be able to see the baby more although as pointed out his terms are short and he’s discussing with Cambridge about weekends out of College to see the baby.

I agree he should have worn a condom. He was incredibly stupid not to. He’s an idiot for that and he knows it. But then I think l there are few among us who didn’t do dumb things at 18, albeit without such serious consequences. He’s not told her to have an abortion. He’s said he wants to be in baby’s life. He’s said he will provide what he can. I’m not saying he should be given a medal for any of that but I don’t think he’s behaved like a complete tosser either.

It's his life and he's only 18 but at that age he should still go to university especially if he's an intelligent boy.

He can only support her as far as he can in his already planned trajectory and at his age

Would be utterly ridiculous in this day and age to stop and start a crappy unfulfilling job and drop out of Uni which would eventually give him the capability to earn far more to support his DC

They'll just have to work it out between them esp as he doesn't love her any more.

It's her choice to keep the baby but she can not possibly expect him to drop out of Uni for her as that's unbelievably selfish

When is the scan OP? Did the ex-gf have a date because it would be odd if she was 12 weeks and no scan date?

Is your family wealthier than the ex-girlfriends, OP? It sounds like they're less well off than you and might see you all as a bit of a meal ticket.

I say this as her mother seemed a bit too keen on her daughter having a baby at 18.

It would be incredibly unfair if your brother lost his job because of her actions.

By way of more general update another eventful 24 hours.

She messaged/emailed him last night which in some ways was actually quite useful as she explicitly apologised for the rape comment, which is good to have in writing. The rest of the message was deeply delusional and I’m starting to wonder about her mental health and whether the stress of this is resulting in some sort of break down. She told him that conceiving the baby was a gift from the universe for both of them (she is somewhat alternative and does talk like this) and that his reaction was shock and that she knows he loves her and will love their baby. She said she was willing to move to Cambridge to be with him. She also said she had booked a private scan, window into the womb or similar, for them both on Monday (money that would clearly be better spent on something else) and that she was sure he’d feel differently and “just as excited as she is” after that. She said she’d be coming round this afternoon to DBs house to talk to him.

He replied very shortly saying everything he said at their last meeting (whilst I was there) was his true feelings and had not changed. Nor would they. He will not attend scans with her. What she said at his work had sickened him and he was disgusted by her behaviour and that she must not come to his house as he would not be there and our Mother will call the police. He said no further contact, only through my sister and even then only to update on medical updates to do with the baby. If she continues to harass and threaten him he will contact the police

For those asking about the scans. She has only just informed the NHS so is waiting for her scan appointment. So no idea of viability of pregnancy, twins (!!) or her own health or dating of the pregnancy. Imagine they will see her fairly quickly based on how far along she thinks she is.

Honestly I'm shocked in this day and age that there is someone on this thread that thinks this whole messy situation can be improved on by one of the parties giving up their potential high earning career to take a low paying job

Of course he was foolish to trust his girlfriend only with their contraception but he is only 18 and what 18 hasn't made poor decisions. Should he throw his entire future career down the pan as a result of course he shouldn't .

I don't believe for one minute that if that person's son was in the same situation she'd be busy unpacking his bag and cancelling his accommodation and sending his cv to o McDonald's so he could get cracking on supporting his child.

And the child isn’t going to have a father who’s a doctor until it’s ten. By then, it’s a child without a father.

Achilles, the child is going to have no full time father anyway, regardless of whether he dumps Cambridge or not! He has split with the mother and the chances of them getting back together are zero, from the sound of it.

Financially speaking, it is much, much, much better for him to continue with his studies and become a doctor; the big expenses with kids come later on. Yes, things will be tight for the kid at first. But by the time she's 10, she'll be in a position to get proper financial support with all the big expenses that kick in from secondary school onwards--sports, extra curriculars, tutoring, saving up for university, getting a chunk of money for marriage and housing deposit later on.

There is no bloody point having her dad jack in his career for some petty low paid job now. Yes, it's true that if he does that, Mum might be able to buy a new pram rather than a second hand one, or whatever. But the guy's earning potential from a lifelong perspective will be pitiful and the kid is going to miss out big time later on. She may resent her father for doing it once she finds out, and he may struggle not to resent her.

Her DM clearly perceived us as more wealthy. The demands she was making at the begin seemed to be based on assumptions of there being a lot of money in the family. The reality is that whilst my DM has a bigger house she is also a single parent (my father died many years ago and left a sizeable life insurance but this has been used in the property and over the years to pay for us). I am a professional and am lucky to be comfortable but I am also married and have to very small DCs of my own so beyond emotional support to my brother can offer them nothing. My DM could help financially but has made it very clear that she won’t and even then it wouldn’t be a large amount. Her DM also under a clear impression that DB would come into further money from my Dad when he hit 21 which is definitely not the case.

There’s a lot of effort here going into the idea that ‘promising’ and ‘intelligent’ young men should have basically any level of excuses made for dumping their kids on society and looking after number one. We should expect better. He’s smart enough to be doctor, he’s smart enough to work this out.

I’m out.

She’s not being pressured to abort, unless of course that’s what you consider not giving her exactly what she wants to be.

She wants him to be in a relationship with her. Should he be compelled to be with her, so as to not ‘pressure her to abort’?

Like everyone else, she has to make decisions based on the situation she’s actually in, not the one she wants to be in. It is fully her right to make the choice she wants to. That is not the same as having the right to force people to enable it precisely to her liking.