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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 20/08/2022 10:09

It's great he is going away. Tell him he should go no contact with her whilst he is away.

Twizbe · 20/08/2022 10:16

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:47

@Twizbe

And you’d have to ask her. Maybe she’s happy to have a baby at 18, I don’t know. But he isn’t, so he should have avoided it.

Shouldn't she then have included her partner on that decision BEFORE she got pregnant?

tenterden · 20/08/2022 10:27

Your DB should definitely take up his place for medicine at Cambridge. This is the most sensible way of ensuring he can provide long term for his child, given the fact he will never be in a relationship with the child's mother.

Him going away over the rest of the summer is a great idea, and changing his mobile number (and being very careful who he gives it to) is also a good move for now.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2022 10:31

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 08:18

And yes, she sounds difficult and very distressed. She’s a kid who is about to raise a baby on her own while everyone minimises the responsibility of the father because he’s going to a good university.

Seriously, use a condom, lads.

@achillestoes

she should have an abortion then if she’s not happy with the situation

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 10:33

@LuckySantangelo35

He should keep it in his pants if he’s not happy with the situation.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 10:34

@Twizbe

Yes. That doesn’t mean he’s not responsible for the new person.

3peassuit · 20/08/2022 10:37

LittleBearPad If he had taken responsibility for his own contraception then he would not be in this position.

ancientgran · 20/08/2022 10:52

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 08:18

And yes, she sounds difficult and very distressed. She’s a kid who is about to raise a baby on her own while everyone minimises the responsibility of the father because he’s going to a good university.

Seriously, use a condom, lads.

And don't believe what girls tell you. They may say they are on the pill but they can be lying, can they can be careless but the main thing is don't rely on what they are saying.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 10:55

@ancientgran

Good common sense advice. If I were 18, didn’t want a baby, and some bloke told me he was on the pill so I didn’t have to take it, I’d laugh in his face.

ancientgran · 20/08/2022 10:55

3peassuit · 20/08/2022 10:37

LittleBearPad If he had taken responsibility for his own contraception then he would not be in this position.

The same for her, the only difference is she said she was taking responsibility. Would you say the same to a girl if the boy was saying he was using a condom and one time he didn't bother and she got pregnant or would you be saying it was rape as she didn't consent to that?

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 11:13

This thread was so sensible yesterday, how depressing to see it’s reverted to constant repetitions of “Shoulda used a condom”. That ship sailed in June.

whumpthereitis · 20/08/2022 11:17

A man tells he woman he’s using a condom and doesn’t: he’s an arsehole. Criminal arsehole, even.

a woman tells a man she’s on the pill but purposefully doesn’t take it/ forgets to take it and doesn’t tell him: he’s an arsehole.

He’s distressed: poor baby(!) what an arsehole.

She’s distressed: actually a poor baby, whatever she does as a result of her distress (however self inflicted) is justifiable. He’s an arsehole.

Does she bear the physical brunt of pregnancy and birth? Yes. However unfair it may be, that’s a biological reality she presumably wasn’t unaware of. Does this mean she’s potentially up shit creek in having to deal with it alone? Yes. Also not an unknown factor. If she did plan this? Then she’s the poster girl for play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Coka · 20/08/2022 11:24

This situation is getting very bad. I would actually ask him to start messaging her again and bring up the rape allegation in a way that makes her admit it never happened, that way he has evidence if she ever tries to use it again. Then he can block her again. I think he is very lucky to have you supporting him.

Snoozer11 · 20/08/2022 11:26

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:18

Yes, obviously when young men are irresponsible and make babies, we should just blame the young women. They have choices. Not like the men. Poor men. Everyone forcing them to impregnate women left, right and centre, or not giving them access to contraception. Pity the men.

When you've agreed that the contraception you use will be the pill, the woman has the responsibility to make sure she takes it.

By not taking it, she has been doubly irresponsible as she has betrayed his trust, which has led to this pregnancy.

People make mistakes. This is a big one but the vitriol being thrown at an 18 year old because he had sex is completely over the top.

The girl is now the only one with the power to do the sensible and responsible thing to deal with this mess. She needs to stand up and do it before it's too late.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 11:34

I’m not vitriolic. He’s going to be a father. He’s a smart adult man who chose to have sex. Posters above are correct that that ship has sailed, but now that means he has to live with the consequences: either stepping up and being a dad, or being the person who left their child without a dad. None of us can do anything about that now, but the point is he could have done. It’s a harsh lesson but it’s life.

Snoozer11 · 20/08/2022 11:37

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:52

@daretodenim

Fathers working away are paying their way. Actually paying it, not maintenance. They are working to house and feed their child, and if they could have it another way they would.

Leaving to meet your own needs isn’t working away.

So you think parents should stay together and share a life together no matter what?

Do you think a woman should stay in a loveless relationship where she's deeply unhappy and has to give up all her ambition?

Or is it just the men you think should be forced to stay?

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 11:41

Leaving a partner and leaving a child are different things.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 11:45

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 11:34

I’m not vitriolic. He’s going to be a father. He’s a smart adult man who chose to have sex. Posters above are correct that that ship has sailed, but now that means he has to live with the consequences: either stepping up and being a dad, or being the person who left their child without a dad. None of us can do anything about that now, but the point is he could have done. It’s a harsh lesson but it’s life.

He’s said he will pay. He plans to have a relationship with the baby once born.

What does ‘stepping up and being a dad’ mean to you as it sounds like you think he should stay in the relationship with the mother and get whatever crappy job he can and give up his university place and career as a doctor. It’s not the 1950s and no good would come of pretending it is.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 11:52

‘What does ‘stepping up and being a dad’ mean to you...’

It means you do your share of the care, or you pay someone to do your share of the care, or you find someone prepared to do your share of the care for no pay. Not ‘a relationship’ - that’s an absent parent.

I don’t believe his career should come before his child.

Having said that, if I were his parents I’d do his share until he qualified (which is going to be years of unpaid childcare). I’d be furious with him.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 11:55

And yes, men who have started families early have been doing crappy jobs to make ends meet for centuries. It’s what you do when you make babies, if you have no other means of supporting them.

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 12:00

if I were his parents I’d do his share until he qualified

Bet you wouldn’t. I definitely wouldn’t.

What you do when you accidentally create a pregnancy and you have no way of supporting the result is terminate the pregnancy.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 12:05

@Blossomtoes

But that’s not his decision. He isn’t pregnant. And no, it doesn’t absolve him that his ex-girlfriend doesn’t want a termination. He made his choice at the sex bit.

sevenwonder · 20/08/2022 12:08

achillestoes - There is nothing to be gained by him staying home to be an "equal parent" in this scenario. He will have next to no money to offer in financial support anyway. At some point, the ex-gf will meet someone else. OP's DB will just be hanging around, waiting to have the child every other weekend, or something. His relationship with the ex is toxic enough now.

Terms at Cambridge are only 8 weeks long anyway. He will be home 28 out of 52 weeks in the year.

Thst child's financial prospects and general prospects in life are a hell of a lot better with a father who is a doctor, than two parents in dead end jobs. Especially two parents in dead end jobs who hate each other.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 12:08

And yes I would. Hopefully I’m not going to raise a daft lad who doesn’t know how to put his jacket on, though.

Blossomtoes · 20/08/2022 12:09

He made his choice at the sex bit

Under false pretences. So she gets to choose twice and he gets no choice at all. Very fair. Good thing for men that most women aren’t as misandrous as you.

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