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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 20/08/2022 09:26

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:10

@Thankgoodness1

No, he can be a deadbeat dad. That’s his right. But it’s a shitty attitude. His choice (he did have one) was when he decided to have sex without protection.

In this case though he believed protection was in place. I don't think it's unreasonable to trust your partner when they say they're on the pill. Trust has to form part of any good relationship.

The girlfriend did not tell him about missing her pills. If she had told him and he'd not used a condom, then yes, he was being stupid.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:27

‘They’re both responsible for their own actions.’

Which means he’s going to be a father.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:28

@Twizbe

If a person is old enough to have sex, they’re old enough to understand that they are responsible for the consequences, and for their own contraception.

Twizbe · 20/08/2022 09:30

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:28

@Twizbe

If a person is old enough to have sex, they’re old enough to understand that they are responsible for the consequences, and for their own contraception.

🤦‍♀️ I'm not on any hormonal contraception for health reasons. A pregnancy for me would be highly unlikely (ablation) but not impossible. It would also be dangerous. DH knows this and we use condoms. I TRUST him to always use one as he knows the above. Am I being unreasonable in that I'm not using any contraception myself but expect my husband to always use it?

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:32

@Twizbe

What do you mean? You trust your husband not to “stealth” you? It would be illegal if he did and then he would be responsible for that decision. But you would still be responsible (in reality) for what to do about the resulting pregnancy.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:33

But also reality, the pill isn’t 100% and this bright Cambridge candidate knows this. He chose to have sex anyway. He’s responsible for the resulting life.

Twizbe · 20/08/2022 09:36

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:33

But also reality, the pill isn’t 100% and this bright Cambridge candidate knows this. He chose to have sex anyway. He’s responsible for the resulting life.

Condoms aren't 100% affective either.

So it's not ok for my husband to stealth me, but it's ok for her to not inform her partner that she's missed pills.... ok then

Notimeforaname · 20/08/2022 09:37

So she's a shit stirer and he needs a holiday? Okeydokey.
They are equally to blame here and equally responsible.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:40

@Twizbe

Which is why the moment of ownership of the responsibility is the moment you decide to have sex. Nothing is 100% except not having sex.

And yes, it is exactly as you describe it. He is responsible for his own contraception, and he cannot rely on the word of a girl he’s been dating to justify abandoning a child.

whumpthereitis · 20/08/2022 09:41

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:33

But also reality, the pill isn’t 100% and this bright Cambridge candidate knows this. He chose to have sex anyway. He’s responsible for the resulting life.

Sure. He is of course responsible for not wearing protection, but that doesn’t negate any of the shittiness of her actions if she did indeed plan this. It doesn’t negate her responsibility for said actions, either.

She’s responsible for deciding to have the baby, and responsible if she chooses to raise it. Outside of child support, he is no more responsible for raising a child he doesn’t want than she is.

Thankgoodness1 · 20/08/2022 09:43

So basically she has become pregnant to keep him when he wanted to get rid of her. 😒

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:43

‘Outside of child support, he is no more responsible for raising a child he doesn’t want than she is.’

Morally, yes he is. The right to choose not to be pregnant is only required by someone who can get pregnant. He had the right to choose not to create a life. He created a life. He can abandon the baby if he wants (the law can’t make him behave decently, unfortunately), but I can call that shitty behaviour.

Twizbe · 20/08/2022 09:44

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:40

@Twizbe

Which is why the moment of ownership of the responsibility is the moment you decide to have sex. Nothing is 100% except not having sex.

And yes, it is exactly as you describe it. He is responsible for his own contraception, and he cannot rely on the word of a girl he’s been dating to justify abandoning a child.

So you're saying no one should trust their partner?

I totally agree for 1 night stands / casual sex. But this was a relationship.

She has a place at uni too. She's intelligent enough to know that missing pills can mean they don't work, so why didn't she tell him she'd done that? Why didn't she take emergency contraception?

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:46

People can trust whoever they like. That doesn’t relieve them of responsibility if that choice turns out to be a bad one. If he’s old enough to have sex he’s old enough to make the adult decision to manage his own contraception.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:47

@Twizbe

And you’d have to ask her. Maybe she’s happy to have a baby at 18, I don’t know. But he isn’t, so he should have avoided it.

daretodenim · 20/08/2022 09:47

But also reality, the pill isn’t 100% and this bright Cambridge candidate knows this. He chose to have sex anyway. He’s responsible for the resulting life.

He is. Plenty of fathers work away from home. I know many in oil and gas who are literally away half the year. Their wives get pregnant when they're on the "off" month. Does that make them irresponsible?

The exGF can also still study and go to uni. She's got options there too. But the reality is that no matter how much she tries, if she has unprotected sex and gets pregnant then she will have a pregnancy. It's not fair that that isn't shared, but biology isn't fair. So she will have to take time out but her options are still there.

As they're not a couple, and "the resulting life" isn't here, there's actually not much OPs DB can do now anyway. Again, it's unfair but again, that's biology.

I am also suffering the impact of biological unfairness, so I'm not saying this to support OPs DB but there's a point here where reality kicks in and it's always worse for the female. Sucks, but that's the way it is. OP and others have said he's learning hard lesson. Well, yes, but hers is far harder. Even if it's of her own creation.

whumpthereitis · 20/08/2022 09:51

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:43

‘Outside of child support, he is no more responsible for raising a child he doesn’t want than she is.’

Morally, yes he is. The right to choose not to be pregnant is only required by someone who can get pregnant. He had the right to choose not to create a life. He created a life. He can abandon the baby if he wants (the law can’t make him behave decently, unfortunately), but I can call that shitty behaviour.

‘Morally’ is irrelevant. That’s in the eye of the beholder and an unenforceable value. You can think he’s immoral of course, no one is going to (or even wants to) stop you. The reality is that it’s not going to have any impact on his life, and he’s not obliged to care.

They’re both responsible for the situation. They’re also both responsible for the choices they individually make in regards to it. What they’re not able to do is dictate to the other.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:52

@daretodenim

Fathers working away are paying their way. Actually paying it, not maintenance. They are working to house and feed their child, and if they could have it another way they would.

Leaving to meet your own needs isn’t working away.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:54

I know it’s not enforceable in law. Said that. But sure, it’s fine for people to abandon their kids. 🙄

Anyway, disappointment at this thread aside, I have things to do.

3peassuit · 20/08/2022 09:55

I believe that everyone should be responsible for their own fertility. The pill is not infallible and 18 year old women are extremely fertile. If a young couple have sex there is always a risk of pregnancy. He should have had it drummed into him that the correct thing to do is use a condom every single time. I would have expected a future medical student to be more careful and aware of the risks..If she has an abortion he will be able to move on with his life no regrets while many women carry the pain of this all their lives. I agree that her actions have been despicable but he has hardly covered himself in glory.

Christonabike37 · 20/08/2022 09:56

I do honestly think she planned it. She's spent the last month fantasising and planning their happy family. And he's snatched that away from her. She's angry and scared and desperate. What a nightmare. Part of me thinks if this is a mutual friend is she going to turn up too?

whumpthereitis · 20/08/2022 09:56

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:54

I know it’s not enforceable in law. Said that. But sure, it’s fine for people to abandon their kids. 🙄

Anyway, disappointment at this thread aside, I have things to do.

Well, yes. No one has to raise children they don’t want. That’s the bottom line.

sevenwonder · 20/08/2022 10:00

Hi OP. I just wanted to say, from your last update and your description of the ex- gf telling people in the restaurant that he is "forcing her to have an abortion," I wouldn't be surprised if this is what she's now going to do.

As to her other "threat" to tell Cambridge he has raped her... this is horrendous. I hope he has managed to contact Cambridge yesterday? What has their response been? They will have counsellors and support for this type of situation, surely.

One word of caution, my DS is also starting at Cambridge this year. As you know, there are 30 odd colleges and most will only have a handful (if that) of male medicine students. Just be careful what info you share. Normally, I do be worried that this thread is a bit too "outing" - however, in these circumstances, I think it's probably good that you are getting his side of the story out. She sounds very unstable and if she (god forbid) does contact the college with rape claims or shows up next term, at least this MN thread will be evidence to the contrary.

She may not be 12 weeks pregnant. Maybe that was a last ditched attempt to get him to change his plans when you visited. I think she may now have an abortion as the reality that he is not going to be her partner is dawning. But probably expect some backlash.

At least he has you to support him.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 10:01

I believe that everyone should be responsible for their own fertility. The pill is not infallible and 18 year old women are extremely fertile. If a young couple have sex there is always a risk of pregnancy. He should have had it drummed into him that the correct thing to do is use a condom every single time.

Sensible to double up but she didn’t take the pill properly - and didn’t tell him she’d skipped pills. She knew the pill wouldn’t work and didn’t tell him

sevenwonder · 20/08/2022 10:09

At the end of the day, what's done is done and there's no point now in arguing that he should have done this and she should have done that.

The fact of the matter is, there is nothing to be gained from him not going to uni. Even if he did set up home with this girl, it's not going to work for more than 5 minutes is it? So all he can do, is carry on with his plans and financially support her the best way he can. That's IF she decides to go through with the pregnancy.

Has she even has any kind of scan yet?

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