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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 19/08/2022 16:46

If I posted what I thought of her for that, as an actual rape victim, I’d be banned for life.

Me too. I can't even say the words I feel about females who behave like her.

whumpthereitis · 19/08/2022 16:50

Oh, and she may very well abort now. If she arranges it now she’s still at a stage where it is a straightforward procedure.

If the pregnancy was solely a means to keep him, it’s failed. She also can’t rely on a comfortable level of child support on the level she was envisioning. She may judge it as no longer being useful, and instead it’s the proverbial millstone around her neck rather than his.

she can however blacken his name as much as possible with tales of being forced into termination.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2022 17:55

Her behaviour is atrocious. I agree your brother should report her to the police. Non emergency number / online report.

Crazycrazylady · 19/08/2022 18:26

She sounds absolutely unhinged. And from this behaviour more than capable of planning this pregnancy so she could hang on to him.. I think him going away would be a great idea . It would give him some space and hopefully give her a chance to calm down and for the penny to drop that baby or no baby she won't be keeping him.

VaccineSticker · 19/08/2022 18:51

She’s lost it and she knows she can’t have him so she’s unleashed hell on him. She is not going to let go. Report her to the police asap.

user1477391263 · 19/08/2022 20:00

She sounds awful. But he was also stupid and careless in not keeping it wrapped, regardless of whether he believed she was on the Pill or not.

Young late teens/early 20s people really really need to be doing "Double Dutch" (hormonal birth control AND condoms) if they are going to have sex. They are at the age where a single slipup can very easily mean a pregnancy---most women are just ridiculously fertile at 18.

user1477391263 · 19/08/2022 20:05

Like others here, I strongly suggest he demands a paternity test. It probably is his, from the sound of it, but a demand for a test will send out a very clear message that "I don't trust you, and this relationship is well and truly over."

If you can afford it, a strongly worded letter from a solicitor might be a good idea too. She and her mother sound pretty daft, and would most likely be sufficiently intimidated that they would at least leave him alone at Uni.

Pinkcadillac · 19/08/2022 20:06

This is beginning to sound like that film with Glenn Close. Horrendous.

justasking111 · 19/08/2022 20:12

SnickersTwix · 19/08/2022 16:02

I had a similar thought. She may well feel through his actions that her hand is forced and she therefore needs to have an abortion as her happy families fantasy wont happen.

Glad DB is going away. College like school won't let him down. It won't be the first time unhinged exes have tried to stir up trouble

SeptemberAlexandra · 19/08/2022 20:14

She may well be venting and saying things to hurt him in the vain hope he will come back. The hold she thought she would have with the baby hasn’t worked and I would agree that she may now decide not to keep the baby. I would however make a log with the police of the threats she has made and of the incident in his place of work, if only for nothing more than for this to count in terms of incidents of harassment.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/08/2022 22:00

Good legal advice is what he needs right now. Not so much about paternity issues as those can wait until the baby is here. But it sounds to me that he may need to start documenting for a restraining order and a solicitor is best placed to advise him how to do that, whether to 'strike preemptively' by contacting the police about her threats to contact his Uni and/or report him for rape, and her following him to his workplace and causing a scene.

I'd beg, borrow, or steal the money for a consultation with a solicitor. He has a lot at stake and needs to protect himself and his future.

Redburnett · 19/08/2022 23:07

Given her threats it would be best to keep the police out of it. An allegation of rape could cause problems later with his DBS even if the allegation is untrue and not pursued.

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/08/2022 23:56

I feel sorry for her. She's just a kid, pregnant and abandoned by someone she thought cared for her.
We only have one side of this story and the lad hasn't exactly covered himself in glory so far. I just don't believe half of it.

Hawkins001 · 20/08/2022 01:05

From the basics, what about the gf, not mentioning she's forgotten the pill etc

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 20/08/2022 07:24

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/08/2022 23:56

You feel sorry for a girl whose said she'll accuse a boy of rape because he doesn't want to be with her? Who turns up at his place of work screaming and shouting?

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 08:15

I’m quite shocked by the number of people suggesting that, by taking up his uni place, providing some money when he can and essentially leaving her (and her mum?) to parent his child, he would be “co-parenting”. This is not co-parenting, it’s leaving.

I’m not saying I don’t understand but let’s at least tell the truth. Just because he’s bright doesn’t make it better.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 08:18

And yes, she sounds difficult and very distressed. She’s a kid who is about to raise a baby on her own while everyone minimises the responsibility of the father because he’s going to a good university.

Seriously, use a condom, lads.

SeptemberAlexandra · 20/08/2022 08:41

Willyoujustbequiet · Yesterday 23:56
I feel sorry for her. She's just a kid, pregnant and abandoned by someone she thought cared for her.
We only have one side of this story and the lad hasn't exactly covered himself in glory so far. I just don't believe half of it.

The way I see it, yes she’s just a kid but she has used a pregnancy to try and hold on to someone she knew would be leaving in September. He’s not covered himself in glory, I agree but neither has she and her actions now could potentially destroy his career and adult life before it even starts. Her future remains firmly in her hands if that is a decision she decides to take. His too would appear to be in her hands also.

Thankgoodness1 · 20/08/2022 08:47

This is awful! So essentially a child is sacrificing his life to get a shitty job to bring up a baby with a girl he doesn’t want to be with? Are you kidding?! If that were my son, he’d be going to uni no matter what and we would pay maintenance. If the girl chooses to keep it, that’s her business. He’s not obligated to bring it up with her.

CoffeeWithNiles · 20/08/2022 08:58

Thankgoodness1 · 20/08/2022 08:47

I think you need to read the updates from the OP.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:10

@Thankgoodness1

No, he can be a deadbeat dad. That’s his right. But it’s a shitty attitude. His choice (he did have one) was when he decided to have sex without protection.

whumpthereitis · 20/08/2022 09:16

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/08/2022 23:56

Of course it only tells one side of the story, the same as every other thread of mumsnet.

She has had choices here every step of the way. She still has them. Not getting what she wants does not excuse her actions here.

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:18

Yes, obviously when young men are irresponsible and make babies, we should just blame the young women. They have choices. Not like the men. Poor men. Everyone forcing them to impregnate women left, right and centre, or not giving them access to contraception. Pity the men.

whumpthereitis · 20/08/2022 09:24

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 09:18

Did I say he didn’t have choices? Or that he’s not responsible? No. They both had, and have, choices. They’re both responsible for their own actions.

In regards to what options that are still available to them both? She doesn’t have to like the choices he makes, any more than he has to like the ones she makes.

daretodenim · 20/08/2022 09:25

I feel sorry for her. She's just a kid, pregnant and abandoned by someone she thought cared for her.
We only have one side of this story and the lad hasn't exactly covered himself in glory so far. I just don't believe half of it.

Well, yes we don't know her version of her side. We do know that it's changed over time though.

What she's experiencing is the absolutely SHITE reality that biology impacts a female's life more than a male's. It's not the lad's fault.

She can choose to keep the foetus or not. He cannot make that choice and from the sounds of things has supported whatever she wants. He's been honest that he's not changing his plans though. She has the load to bear with making the decision - and all that entails whatever option she goes for. It's not fair but it's the reality based on being female. Any other alternative - ie forcing him to stay home if she chooses to go ahead - means she controls his life too. That's just as unfair as him insisting on an abortion/going ahead with the pregnancy.

It would have helped her if her mother hadn't said she would support her. She needed to face this alone to clarify if it's what she really wants. I understand the mother, but ultimately she hasn't helped her daughter here.

I hope the mother is told exactly what her DD said in public to OPs DB. She needs to have the scales removed from her eyes about her DD's behaviour.

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