18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP I think he needs to be brutally honest with her. Tell her that she was only ever meant to be an easy casual thing for a few months before he left for uni. He never had any feelings for her and would never be in a relationship with her. That a baby will 100% not make him change his feelings and for the next x years his focus will be the very demanding medicine degree he is about to embark on. Then be a young doctor with horrendous working hours.

Children never bring couples together, in fact they test even the strongest and most in love couples.

She's got to get out of her head that it will be romantic and he'll fall in love with her and they'll live happily ever after. So he needs to be frank and in a way that also puts him in poor light. Knock him off the pedestal she has built for him.

Just a thought for the future @SnickersTwix but it might be a good idea for your DB to keep quiet about his new address at Uni. That way he won't be worrying about unexpected visitors or letters. His ex must know he'll move away pretty soon so she has limited time to change his mind.
He may have the brain for Oxbridge but he's very lucky you have the gift of common sense

This is a good point. Unfortunately if she knows his college then she has his postal address and probably also his place of residence as he’ll likely live in for the first year. If she or her family get nasty he needs to speak confidentially to the college welfare team. The college porters also need to be made aware and are his first line of defence against anyone showing up uninvited.

As a wider point, he should know that Cambridge is incredibly gossipy and it would be wise only to confide in his new friends once he has settled in.

It does appear that maybe she was so desperate to hang on to him that she could have planned this .
I think that a person in a relationship always knows if one person is always more in to it than the other .
I don't want to be cruel to the poor girl but she absolutely needs her fantasy dashed so she can make her decisions on facts instead of hopes. In this case it's absolutely kind to be cruel here and tell her bluntly that there is no circumstances in which they will be getting back together and that he will be gone 9 months of the year and absolutely will be meeting other people:
Gosh it's all such a mess and as you say they are going to be linked together for ever .
Hoping now she doesn't end up very bitter about it all .

Nightmare continues. I’m furious. She turned up at his work place today. He’s got a bar job at a local Country pub and because of all this he’s put himself forward for extra shifts to save more money for the baby. He wouldn’t have usually worked the opening shift midweek so she either followed him there or has been going round places actively looking for him. She turned up with a friend in tow (same one who told DB she suspected pregnancy was planned- so she’s clearly poison, stirring the pot for her own amusement).

In front of the whole pub she apparently screamed at him, said he was responsible for her and the child, called him every name under the sun. Manager wanted to call the police, DB said he’d get her out (id have let him call the police). As he pulled her outside she apparently turned round to face the diners and screamed “I’m pregnant and he’s forcing me to have an abortion”. She had/has a place to study Drama at Uni and she seems to be acting like a character from Eastenders. DB got her into her friend’s car who had driven them to this pub and told her to never come near him or contact him again and that he was getting a lawyer. As he was walking off she shouted “what would happen if I told Cambridge you raped me?”

DB is distraught and says he’s never been so embarrassed in his life. Manager sent him home from work and he doesn’t know if he still has a job.He’s extremely distressed and it’s been very upsetting to witness. He’d been in contact with Cambridge yesterday and I’d left him to deal with that. I think he needs to tell them she’s gone off the rails. Wouldn’t put it past her to contact them and make a malicious allegation. He’s very embarrassed that this is the first impression his College tutors have of him, but I think he just has to tell them. She knows what College he’s going to, what he will study and he has to live in so I think they need to know in case she turns up there in October or looks up the Tutors and contacts them. I went to a Redbrick Uni that was much more anonymous but I know other posters have said it’s different at Cambridge- smaller, sounds more supportive but also nosey. Her turning up there and creating a stink sounds like it would be the talk of the town. What do this with experience of the Uni think? Should be raise her with them now?

He said he was getting a lawyer but I can’t see that he can actually afford it, certainly not instructing a solicitor as a go between. I can help him in that area somewhat but I think he does need a paternity test if only to allow him to assert parental rights in the future. Wouldn’t put it past her to weaponise this baby against him.

First he needs to send her a very clearly worded email that details that such behaviour is not acceptable.

I think it would be worth stating in this email that they were in a consensual relationship.

Might also be worth a call to the police non emergency number and ask what he can do about this (if anything) as turning up at work and threatening to make false allegations is serious.

Then block on everything but a special email address he creates for her to contact him with baby and contact details.

Sounds like she is realising that she's not getting what she wants from this situation and is trying more desperate tactics.

Oh my goodness. Can he get some free legal advice? She needs to calm down. Can he contact the police and say she threatened to accuse him of rape? Can you talk to her mum? Just thinking out loud here, not sure if they are viable
Options. I wouldn't involve tutors just yet, but more try to nip this in the bud and make sure she is aware that is not acceptable

God what a nightmare. She does not sound mentally stable enough to raise a child.

Wow. That's horrific. At least she's making it easy for him not to feel any guilt about going to uni.

I agree with Twizbe. And to be clear that she needs to leave him alone now. He doesn't want any more contact unless it's about the pregnancy/baby. And that he will take on his responsibilities for the baby, as he's previously told her and her mother. But if she gets him sacked from his jobs then he'll have less money for the baby.

He also needs to backup ALL their text messages from ALL platforms. Plus those relating to them from anybody else. All the abusive messages, all the bombarding ones.

You should write an email up yourself detailing basically what you've posted on here, because then it's dated stamped (unless you're happy with using posts here). Basically make sure all evidence that she's going off the rails and has made threats about him are kept.

And I wouldn't hesitate going to the police if she does anything similar again. It's beyond unacceptable. (As well as insulting to anybody who has been raped).

Keep all the texts she sent overnight etc that will show the rape threats are without foundation. If she turns up again phone the police.

I went to Oxbridge - colleges are gossipy though gossip tends to stay within college unless you really out-do yourself. A pregnant gf isn’t generally sufficient. In my experience the colleges are also pretty secure - you can’t get past the porters without ID.

He should get a new number and give it only to his proper friends - not stirring friend.

Can he go visit some relatives or friends and get away.

“I’m pregnant and he’s forcing me to have an abortion”

It sounds as though her thoughts on keeping the pregnancy might be starting to shift…

Can you have a word with her Mum and say you realise she is upset but she has put DB’s job at risk: a job from which he was intending to offer money as support for her and , baby. Don’t criticise her, just let the Mum know what happened. Let her know that DB intervened to stop the landlord calling the police on her, and you really don’t want this situation to get any worse for her. In an adult to adult sort of way.

I wouldn’t contact Cambridge atm.

He’s very embarrassed that this is the first impression his College tutors have of him, but I think he just has to tell them

I disagree. If she wants to make herself look completely unhinged that’s up to her - and she will if she makes contact. The advice to collate all the texts, etc is very good, plenty of evidence there that they had consensual sex and this is the fury of a woman scorned. It’s clearly hit her now that she has nothing to lose and she’s lashing out because she hasn’t got what she wants. Is there any chance that he could get away for a few days now to let the dust settle?

God, poor boy!

I wouldn't tell the college at this point. I think obtaining advice from a solicitor would be a good idea, though.

Put ice on this. Call the mum so that she can talk her down. If the girls was making serious plans about her own future she would not have time do to stupid games like this. Idle minds.

It would be a good idea for him to go away for a few days.

Block and literally disappear as far as she knows for a week or two.

Yes - I think she is now considering termination and this is her fucked-up way of dealing with the complex feelings arising from it.

Thanks all. I’ll leave it to him to decide on Cambridge. That’s his future Uni, tutors etc and he needs to decide how to approach it.

I ve told him to save everything and send himself an email so it’s time stamped, with what happened today in case she does make an allegation.

He’s had an offer from a friend to go and stay in a holiday home abroad. Friend is part of the friendship group and knows what is going on as do his parents and they have extended the invite. He’d initially discounted it as he wanted to earn but I’m going to tell him to book the flights and go for a couple of weeks.

I’ll ask DB if he wants me to contact her mother as suggested above.

I had a similar thought. She may well feel through his actions that her hand is forced and she therefore needs to have an abortion as her happy families fantasy wont happen.

That was a reply to @SwedeCarrotLime

He doesn't owe her a penny until the baby is born, with her sabotaging his life like this I think he would be better to focus on uni like every other student and not put himself out to earn extra. This is her weird selfish fantasy that she has engineered and put into action. I think he's learned the lesson about condoms already.
I think he should email her telling her to stay away and that he will contact the police if she doesn't because this behaviour is harassment and coercive control, then follow it through.

She’s raging and is quite prepared to go scorched earth. He won’t be able to predict her imo, and just because he may think she won’t do something, doesn’t mean that she won’t.

Her fantasy has imploded and she’s going to want to punish him and make him suffer as much as she possibly can. I would suggest he acts rather than reacts. I would speak to a lawyer and keep a record of communications. As harsh as he may feel doing it, I would also talk to the police and make them aware as to the threats, harassment and malicious communication.

He would be best served to head her off at the pass.

I'd tell him to report her to the police now. Maybe they can go round and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable. Also to show them texts showing it was consensual.
She's just proven she's completely unfit to be a mother.

Good call for him to get away with his friend @SnickersTwix. Both of them need some space away from each other now. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if he came back to discover she’s had a termination.

I’d report it to the police, right now. Get that foot in front before she starts making false rape accusations. If I posted what I thought of her for that, as an actual rape victim, I’d be banned for life.

She knew about the pregnancy for a while, and instead of seeking out advice, she sits and thinks it through herself? Bull. Shit.

This was not an accidental pregnancy, at all. She planned it, and shes kept it quiet this long so that she can wail about “I don’t want an abortion so close to my scan date” (there were a few of this type at my school…), and to try and force his hand into fulfilling her fucked up fantasy.