18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Are you sure the pregnancy was an accident?

Speechless

Sad for the girl. She is not even talking about delaying for a year. We are in 2022 in a developed country. This is a bit much.

Some people don't have much ambition, I didn't at that age it's only now I'm too old for a lot of things to be an option that I wish I'd done more.
It does sound like she will be doing the thing that she wanted to do and it is a lot of young peoples fantasies to have a baby of their own and just a job that will do.
At least she has time on her side, when the baby is in secondary and she's bored shitless and wishing she could earn more money she will only be about 30.

At the beginning she was focussed on being angry at DB for not using a condom, for not giving up uni etc. Once we had the revelation about the dating of the pregnancy, the missed pills I think she was shocked. When we set out the reality of our Mothers position which is she won’t help and won’t support DB at all if he’s not in University then I think she realised that for all her anger and threats she wasn’t actually going to shift the dial in terms of what DB would realistically offer.

I think she had brought into ex Gfs dreams of happy families with DB and saw her role in that as the benevolent granny who helps them parent. She seems to have vastly over estimated DBs wealth and spending power. Once she listened to DB say that’s not happening she just said to her DD if you want this then do it, live here, I’ll help you until you can get on your feet. She expects DD to get a job or apprenticeship as soon as the baby is old enough.

as to the paternity I think DB knows pretty well when this conception took place. They weren’t supposed to being seeing each other during exams but he tells me they met up after an exam they had at the same time and that occasion fits with the dates. Obviously if the scan says different then there may be further questions. Honestly though I think she is so head over heels In love with him that it’s unlikely he’s not the father. As I said earlier she always appeared to me far more into him than he was to her.

It sounds as though the girl still thinks he is going to be actively involved, going to scans etc. My prediction would be that it just isn't going to happen. Once DB gets to med school in Cambridge he is going to be absorbed in uni life and studying. Realistically he is not going to have time to get a job, and will likely 'forget' about the girl back home. I think he is perfectly within his rights to walk away given that this was essentially entrapment.

I flip flop on this In all honesty. When I was there I didn’t think she planned or wanted it. However she is capable of putting on a convincing act- sending DB to the chemist and doing the pregnancy test performance when she knew she was pregnant proves that.

when I reflect on how much she still clearly desperately loves him and wants to live with him and not have him go to university I do wonder. She’s very naive and wanting him at the birth and scans etc strikes me as trying to win him back in some way. Ultimately it doesn’t matter because whatever the mistake/motive, we now have a pregnancy that she will not be terminating and DB had made the position clear in terms of the relationship having no future.

I have encouraged him to go NC until after the scan. He needs to give her space to reflect and not send mixed signals. He also needs some time to process the last week or so and celebrate his grades.

I feel sad for his ex GF, she's obviously wanted him for a long time but she's living in fantasy land. If your DB doesn't want a relationship with her anymore than how would them living together ever be an option. The missing the pill but not taking any other precautions makes it plain she did think a baby would keep him at home.
I think your DB needs to keep his contact with her to the minimum until she takes onboard that while he wants to be a Father to their child there's no hope of anything more

What an awful mess. I think she needs someone to tell her that she’s “allowed” to abort this pregnancy. It won’t make her a terrible person and that she can be a wonderful mother one day, when she is older and has an education and career under her belt, and that if the pregnancy was in any way planned, she won’t lose face by changing her mind. The excited supportive granny-to-be is doing her no favours.

I remember having a late period at 17 and being terrified but thinking that I couldn’t possibly abort “- baby” (I wasn’t pregnant, just unreliable.) I’d hate for my tiny daughters feel that they could have to proceed with a teenage pregnancy when they should be having the time of their lives at university, and would absolutely encourage them, with love, to end an early pregnancy.

I think she constructed a fantasy in which he’d look at the positive test and turn to marshmallow. She now thinks seeing a scan image will achieve that or seeing the baby born. She’s overdosed on romantic fiction and completely overestimated the teenage male’s paternal instinct. He needs to keep his distance as much as possible, it’s being cruel to be kind.

Her expectations do seem to underline how young she is. Fingers crossed she’ll have a proper think and whatever decision she makes will be based on the reality of her situation not whatever dream she’s constructed.

DB absolutely needs to let her be and be a friend up It would be cruel to confuse her or lead her to believe there’s hope.

Total mess.

Definitely think he's doing the right thing by ending the relationship and being very clear with this girl that he is not up for playing happy families. I also feel sad for the girl that she is SO deluded that she either intentionally got pregnant, or was sloppy with contraception and thinks it's simply marvellous that she's pregnant at 18 and prepared to chuck away a uni place.

Why is she talking about getting a flat together still, after he broke up with her?

Your DB seems to have a level head on his shoulders about this. Quite the relief, I'm sure.

I still wonder about the pregnancy being an 'accident'. She's desperately in love with him (it appears), she waited until it was just about too late for an abortion, and also apparently thinks that 'Uni isn't important, that a vocational course will do'. Sounds to me as if she wanted to keep him around and this was her way of doing it, only it's backfired on her. I think she pictured them living together, doing vocational courses, and then riding off into the sunset a 'happy family'.

I don't want to make it sound as if I have no sympathy for this girl. I do have sympathy for her, but not a lot of sympathy for her actions. Unfortunately her dream of happy families is one that affects more than just her and she didn't take that into account. She's paying a big price for that mistake.

I also feel sorry for her. I am also conscious that she’s sat on the pregnancy for a month despite (I imagine) being aware it is easier to abort sooner rather than later. By not telling your brother, part of her, perhaps only subconsciously, may realise he was slipping away and she has done this to try to force your db’s hand to stay by her side.

I am also conscious that I was also a young girl, deluded and desperately in love with someone, who finished with me when I was still head over heels. I didn’t fall pregnant but I can see how easy it is to have these kind of thoughts.

If I were the girl’s mum, I would be trying my best to explain how life will be, perhaps getting hold of on of those live babies.

I do think it's likely she planned this and I'm certain she deliberately delayed telling anyone because people would be less likely to suggest an abortion at this stage. I do think your brother is doing the right thing for both himself and the baby by going to uni. Him staying would probably end up in him really disliking and resenting his ex and she'd always be hoping they'd get back together.

Do you think she fully understands what co-parenting will entail? It will be especially difficult if she still has feelings for him. Eventually he is going to get into a new relationship and she's going to have to deal with that.

I don’t think she has any idea about co parenting and it’s becoming obvious she’s intent on “winning him back”. After he told her he was going NC she bombarded him with text messages overnight. Everything from telling him he can’t get a new GF at Cambridge because it will be too upsetting for her whilst pregnant, to telling him baby will look like him, to begging him to move in with her. DB is extremely stressed so I said give her my number which she can use to send update on the scan only and then block her. He did this and this morning he’s had a text from another number claiming to be her Dad (who DB hasn’t met and thought Ex-GF was NC with) saying he has to “man up and take responsibility”. I’ve told him to block that number too.

As to the abortion, in the UK she isn’t too late but I think it does get more complicated after 10 weeks in terms of the procedure @AcrossthePond55 . In any event I don’t think she’s in that head space right now and once she sees that scan I can only imagine it’s going to double down her fantasy.

He's very lucky to have you

He might be better just to change his number, that's the thing about the block option a spare pay as you go sim for the blocking person is all that's needed. He'll be living on his nerves.
Honestly I'd be getting a bit angry at this point, it's an attempt at control.

She sounds very silly and naive. I suspect that rather than making a calculated move she allowed herself to be lax with her pill and then decided to wait and see what happened. She likely thinks the pregnancy is fate, and a sign that she and he should be together. Unfortunately it sounds like her mother has fed into this. The best hope is that once her mother has processed the information discussed yesterday she starts to give her daughter more pragmatic advice. 12 weeks isn’t a magical or a legal cut-off and she still has options.

I think changing his number is good idea. Removes the risk of her using other SIMs. I’m starting to get tired of if I have to say- she needs to calm down and back off for a while. He’s had to learn a lot of really tough lessons this past week. He’ll certainly never rely on his partners to take the pill again and he’s had to reflect on his part in this by allowing their feelings for each other to become so unequal and using her for sex when he knew she was in love with him. Big lessons. Plus there is going to be a baby that binds them together for years to come. I know him and I know he’ll want to be in his child’s life and do what he can for him/her.

But I think it’s time for her go face up to her situation rather than focus on DB.

He is very lucky to have you @SnickersTwix. The suggestion to change his number is a good one and share the new one with a small select group. Hopefully he can spend some time with his friends and have a break from the drama then.

I just hope she won't try and turn the child against him if she doesn't get her own way. She's going to have to grow up very fast. I had my DD at 27 and I didn't know what had hit me.

’Forgetting’ pills yet not illuminating your brother as to this fact, knowing she was pregnant and putting on the ‘I think I’m pregnant’ show with the pregnancy test, immediately discussing baby names and setting out the plan of fucking off uni, getting a flat, financially supporting her…? It does suggest planning. Piss poor planning based on a fantasy, but planning nonetheless. I imagine she knew he wasn’t really into her, and that him going off to uni would mean the death knell of the relationship. Imo this was her plan to stop that happening. She’s already come out with ‘don’t meet other girls!’, which, for a guess, was her biggest fear all along.

She thought the pregnancy would force his hand and make him commit. It’s reading like she thinks she can win him/pressure him back, but the panic and anger will really set in once it property dawns on her that she can’t. She’s built the happy family fantasy up in her head and I don’t think she really considered it not working out like that. Her mother at least seemed to understand quite quickly what the lay of the land was, and I wonder if she’s started confronting her with some home truths. She may or may not reconsider abortion, depending on whether her ‘no’ was based on her thinking that he’d have no other choice but to commit.

He’s right to block her. I think it’s very likely that she’s going to escalate as she’s forced to face reality, and she’s going to get very angry.