18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

what 18 year old is going to sacrifice going away to uni - Cambridge no less - with all the fun and excitement and opportunities that brings in order to stay home and do an open university course in order to be close to a child he didn’t even want?!

Don't know but from the OP he wants to support and have a relationship so I guess he wants to do the right thing. I think it's a bit pie in the sky but there you go.

You sound like men should get a pass on being responsible if they don't want kids that they have a hand in producing.

Does that mean I can go sow my wild oats carefree and then walk away if someone gets pregnant? Sounds a bit archaic to me.

Can you even do scientific degrees with the OU.

I’d expect dissection to be a bit challenging

😂

There's a lot of science other than cutting up things with a scalpel you know.

Planetary, geology, biology, chemistry......

They do a nursing degree but not medicine. The point wasn't that he did an OU degree but that there are numerous ways to arrive at a destination if you have enough up top. A friend of mine is becoming a doctor at the ripe age of 48 having been in banking/finance since 16.

@SnickersTwix

I'm probably late to the 'party' since I'm 8 hours behind the UK.

I'm glad you're going with him, he shouldn't face the ex-GF and her DM on his own, that's a dog pile on the rabbit waiting to happen. And I agree with leaving if things become heated. One caution though, he should agree to NOTHING and promise NOTHING until he's gotten legal advice. This meeting should just be a 'sit and listen' as to what their 'expectations' are.

These situations can seem rather cut and dried, but there can still be nuances and legalities that he should be aware of. And the first (and wise) thing a solicitor will probably advise is a DNA test after the baby is born. Not only does it protect him from being named the father if he is not, it also protects his parental rights if he is not named on the birth certificate.

Sounds like your mother was right from the start. Wise woman.

Ended up meeting this afternoon as I was able to rearrange some work stuff. The meeting with GF and her mother was positive overall.

Biggest bombshell was that ex-GF is not 6-8 weeks pregnant but more like 10-12 weeks pregnant. She found out she was pregnant mid July but didn’t say anything to anyone until August, including her Mother. She says she missed some pills due to exam stress and pressure and likely fell pregnant beginning of June. I didn’t get the feeling it was in any way planned, albeit telling her DM and my DB clearly was staged.
I think myself, DM and my DB felt so sad that she had carried the stress by herself for a whole month. I also encouraged her (and am sure her mother will make sure) that she gets seen in hospital and scanned to check she and baby are ok.

Because of the delay of a month she says she had a lot of time to think on her options. She’s sure abortion isn’t for her. That said she’s clearly still very in love with DB. He was firm with her and said he wasn’t going to get back with her and that the baby would not mend and fix their relationship. That said he would support her decision to keep the baby if that is what she wanted. She said she wanted him at the scans and labour and he said no it didn’t seem right if they weren’t in a relationship, he wasn’t going to act out happy families with her but of course he wanted to know on developments.

We had considerable push back on him going to university from ex HF. DB said he respected her decision with the baby but that she had to respect his decision to get a degree that would
ultimately benefit the baby. ex GF said he should pay half for the baby and that she wanted a flat together. He said no it’s inappropriate if you are going to do this you need to appreciate that I’m going to be away during term time and will be helping financially with bar work or similar in the holidays but I can’t offer more now. If you decide to do this it has to be accepted that you will be doing this in large part without me. Her mother calmed down considerably when we ran the numbers through with her, based on how much he could afford to save with an entry level clerical/retail job and his rent and expenses. Think it dawned on her that DB is not going to support her DD financially in any meaningful sense for a long time. DB has £500 saved which he is going use to help buy things for the baby etc. Its not going to touch the sides but it’s something at least.

Ex-GF of the view uni is pointless and she’d prefer some sort of vocational training/apprenticeship. Her mum says she can stay at home and she will help with the baby. So maybe an apprenticeship or similar will work.

We left it that Ex-GF would update DB after 12 week scan.

Its unfortunate she’s more pregnant than you knew. She’s had some very hard truths today.

That does sound fairly positive Op. I'm glad he was clear with her about not wanting to get back with her as it's definitely kinder in the long term if that's how he feels rather than for her to keep hoping there is a chance for them.

That sounds positive, OP. The girlfriend is obviously going to need some time to get her head around that he isn’t going to be a partner to her, but she’ll get there. It sounds like her mother will be there for her and that she doesn’t have unrealistic expectations at least.

You sound lovely OP, as does your brother. I'm so glad you're able to support him (and, from a little distance, his ex-GF) through this challenging situation, one step at a time. Good on you.

Tbh, yes, I wouldn't be interested in playing the grandmother role in this scenario. There are situations where I'd invest my time and money and situations where I wouldn't. This would be a 'wouldn't'.

In this case, the consequence for me would be a lot less ongoing drama

AKA:
**
"My grandma isn't interested in playing the grandmother role with me. She says there are situations where she'd invest her time and money and situations where she wouldn't. I am a 'wouldn't'. She says the consequence for her is a lot less ongoing drama."

How sad for the child.🙁

So she missed some pills due to stress yet she kept on having unprotected sex with him while he thought she was on the pill.
How utterly irresponsible and irrational.
I don’t think the girl knows what is about to hit her in 6 months time, even with her mum’s help.

DB has £500 saved which he is going use to help buy things for the baby etc

He shouldn’t give her one single penny until the results of the DNA test come through proving that he is the father.

It will just be the childs normal to have one less GP, they would never be told why.

Why does everyone need to be guilt tripped into playing a role?
Lots for people go nc with their parents when the parents bring drama, this is just the other way around but same result.

Exactly this!

Yep, she's clueless. This senseless girl needs to terminate before it's too late

Luckily she has weeks to decide still

She certainly has. It sounds as if she’s constructed a fantasy future and it must be very difficult for her to come to terms with it not happening. What a mess.

When I was on the pill they had the days written on each one, I would know if I missed one and relay that to may partner so we could use condoms that month.

The girl is still in a dream world talking about getting a flat together.

why the fuck at 18 does she want to jack in her uni offer to stay home and be a single parent to a child born of an unplanned unwanted pregnancy?! I guess that’s her decision but she cannot impose anything on her ex boyfriend

Exactly. She's deluded

She's going to have some awful home truths in 6 months. She's really delusional if she's still talking about happy families. I'm glad he put her straight and that he's going to uni. No point throwing his career away for this.

Is there really any question that it’s he’s? I mean there’s a massive question Over it being planned but if she was besotted why would anyone naturally think it isn’t?

@SnickersTwix how did you find the girls mother. Is she old fashioned a SAHM I'm finding it difficult to understand why she's behaving as she is. I would be heartbroken knowing what a hard life lies ahead for her daughter. It's sad that the girl carried this secret alone for so long.

It's sad that the girl carried this secret alone for so long

Unfortunately I suspect that was quite intentional as it’s probably now too late for a termination.

She’s got a fair bit of time before that’s true if need be.

the more information we are learning the more I think she wanted this.

Exam stress led to her missing a few pills. She was obviously aware of this and choose not to tell your brother and give him the option to wrap up.

she has then had a month to dream up the fantasy of them getting a flat together. I wouldn’t be surprised if was worried that them going to separate universities would mean they would drift apart and this was her way of putting a stop to it.

I hope now the reality of her being a single parent makes her think of what the future actually looks like for her.

it will be hard for your brother but he should go no contact with her until the scan. Maybe this will help her realise she will be doing this mainly on her own. Yes maybe the mum will help, but let’s face it it’s not the same as the supportive partner she dreamed up

Absolutely this.
She knew exactly what she was doing I'm afraid. Silly silly girl.