18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Parenting a child while working the kinds of jobs available to a teen parent is much harder than parenting a child with the bank account that a degree and a good resume will get you. Age has nothing to do with your quality as a parent. It does have a huge influence on how difficult parenting will be.

Hope you can get in the head of this girl that she has to go to uni : her prospects will be better and that of her child as well. I have a lot of friends who did it. Because they were married there was no stigma attached. It still can be done. She's not dead or "finished" because she wants to keep this pregnancy. She has a great future ahead to. This thread is depressing.

Good that you are going with him this evening. He needs support from his family. I am sorry your mother isn't being more supportive. I agree he needs to go to university though.

Apparently she will be having the baby regardless of him. He told her he would be going to University but would try and give her money from working in the holidays. He also wants to see the baby and be a part of its life. She said he was duty bound to provide for her and she needed financial support and he needed to get a full time job.

This is the bit that makes me really suspicious about her motives. Your DB was an idiot, but he seems to be approaching everything with a pretty mature attitude. Not everyone is able to face up to the consequences of their stupidity.

I have nothing really to add. I just want to say that you sound like a fantastic sister.

This is very much the plot from The Corn is Green. He does go in the end.

@Lunar270

yeah but she’s making the choice to remain pregnant isn’t she, not him

The cost of student debt doesn’t suddenly make children cost no money.

Im not sure how maintenance works for medical students anyway, so it may not be possible

Question…

Does anyone genuinely, honestly, TRULY believe that this lad should jack in his place at Cambridge reading medicine in order to stay local, get a job at Tesco or a factory or whatever in order to give money to an ex girlfriend who is insisting on continuing an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. Basically change his entire life due to a contraception error which lets face it most of us have had and either remedied with a morning after pill or abortion or whatever.

surely no one could believe this young person settling for the first available job in his local town is the best option?

if anyone does I’d love to hear your rationale

Could he not go to university, and stay with GF and baby at weekends?
Ultimately she wants her mothers support, and his.
He wants to provide, and potentially can provide a huge amount more with his prospective career than if he was to sack it off and go and get a minimum wage job and work his way to something better.

Whats the girlfriends plan?

If her mum is happy to provide a lot of help, which I assume as she's offered 50% custody, then I don't think your bro is terrible for going to uni and leaving them during the week.

Could he not go to university, and stay with GF and baby at weekends?

Not really. He’s finished the relationship.

@Blizzardbeach

no you can’t come home at weekends at Cambridge

also it’s likely he’ll have loads of course work to do at weekends, exams to revise for etc

I think your DB is doing the right thing by ending the relationship and going to university. He will be better placed to support his child financially as a result and should build in time after the birth and moving forwards to give practical support too.
His GF should still consider taking her own place and should have some support from the uni to do that too.

@LooseGoose22

dont be ridiculous, we’re not talking about a bunch of cells here not a baby.

the lives and wellbeing of OP’s brother and his girlfriend matter above and beyond this clump of cells

and that’s the truth nothing callous about it

@LooseGoose22

sorry I meant we ARE talking about a bunch of cells here

Yes I would be mortified too. Mind you, I'd be mortified that a child of mine who was intelligent enough to get a place at Cambridge was also stupid enough to have unprotected sex when he had a place at Cambridge. For goodness sake, just because you can have sex from 16 doesn't mean you have to!

As for the pittance, better to have a dad with a doctor's/consultant's salary than a dad on a supermarket salary. You have to take the long view here.

Hope the talk goes well.

Your mother is playing things very well and it's good that you can go with him for moral support. By now she'll have realised all her friends think she's ridiculous to want to keep the baby and are all off to uni without a backwards glance.

Let them run his student loan through the cms calculator and see how much maintenance he will be paying for the next 5 years, then the foundation year salary. Realistically that's actually all he'll be able to pay anyway as he won't have much opportunity to earn. I wouldn't over-promise because how can he really deliver on that?

She can look at how much she'll get in student loan plus bursary (and yes he may get some too, worth checking) and what there is by way of nursery on site etc.

Then she can make her informed decision.
Meanwhile there won't be much he needs to do for ages so he can get a good start at uni, meet new people, look forward to a good career.

She is so foolish, but her choice.

Honestly I would not even engage with this meeting (you or DB). He's got the grades, he's going to uni.
What the girl does is up to her but there will be no maintenance at all until he is working as a doctor (5 or 6 years down the line).
The girl probably deliberately got pregnant ( a pill failure is usually a user failure), and DB will not know for certain he is the father for a long time (DNA test after the birth if pregnancy goes ahead).
DB should focus entirely on his future and career.

Congratulations to your DB! Medicine is so hard to get into and we need more doctors.

Of course he should go and not defer. If he wants to be in the baby’s life, that’s his right - the GF and her mother cannot stop him, nor can they require him to pay more than CMS determines. If GF puts him on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility. If she doesn’t and he wants it he can apply to the court to get it.

Although she has, rightly, total decision power over what she does about the pregnancy, he also has rights as well as responsibilities.

It would be good if your DM were willing to help - and she may very well will be if and when baby is there - but GF’s mum has no ability to force any family members to help, and your brother’s own legal financial responsibilities, as others have pointed out, will be little or nothing in the short term. GF’s mother is silly or bluffing.

It will be hard, but he needs to stick to his decision to take his place. It’s so good that you will be going with him to the meeting to support him. He sounds like a lovely boy to want to step up to his responsibilities, but he also has responsibility to fulfil his potential and to give back using his undoubted gifts.

I am sure that he will make a fine doctor one day.

Definitely an interesting one. Average salary for a doctor is about £75k in the UK and takes about 5 years to get there after graduating. Not lavish in this day and age (and with student debt) but obviously depends on what you do with your career. Could be higher, could be lower.

IMO it's debatable whether that'll genuinely make up for ~10 years of 'not very much' while he's on his journey to reasonable money.

People are already saying that a medical degree at Cambs has zero off campus time. So 5 years of minimal contact. As a junior doctor he'll be doing 80h weeks (if he's lucky) and knackered 24/7.

That would never be good enough for me as I'd want to provide more for mine in all respects (not just financially).

It really is a terrible situation whichever way you look at it. Perhaps not for him as he'll only need to legally pay till the child is 18 or so and so his career/salary will be blossoming just when he's no longer financially obligated.

IME I had an opportunity to study at UCL but opted for an OU degree, which enabled me to work full time, provide for my kids + have a relationship with them. The end result was the same six figures but you cannot make up for the time lost in building relationships. A lot of this thread has been about money but there's no amount of money that you could give me for what I have with my kids. Cheesy but is true for me.

I’m with you @Redburnett as far as the meeting goes. It seems pointless.

Agreed. It would be better to stay away for a few days and let the dust settle

@Lunar270

what 18 year old is going to sacrifice going away to uni - Cambridge no less - with all the fun and excitement and opportunities that brings in order to stay home and do an open university course in order to be close to a child he didn’t even want?!

nah!

it isn’t gonna happen and I don’t think it should be an expected option. Likewise for the girlfriend - why the fuck at 18 does she want to jack in her uni offer to stay home and be a single parent to a child born of an unplanned unwanted pregnancy?! I guess that’s her decision but she cannot impose anything on her ex boyfriend

Can you even do scientific degrees with the OU.

I’d expect dissection to be a bit challenging

Can you even do scientific degrees with the OU.

OU does do some science degrees but not medicine.

Thank you - I was intrigued as to how they’d do practicals!