18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Yes. He’s not “bringing it into the world”. He has zero choice in the matter.

He definitely needs to take the place if he gets it, and visit and contribute as much as possible.

He will be able to do 10000x more for his child with the degree than without.

None of us men do (have a choice) but that doesn't mean that we're not fully responsible.

Really interesting thread though and has been a real eye opener.

@Blossomtoes were talking semantics really. His penis did the work. If he refrained, there wouldn't be an issue. She's not Mary.

Completely agree with you, greatdil.

Hope he got his results today and is off to a great future.

Student support will probably be very good once he actually starts his course so I'd wait a few weeks yet. Delaying the start seems a bit pointless so there's nothing else to discuss right now

Haven't read the whole thread but if she decides to keep the baby make sure a paternity test is done - you don't want his life ruined by being a father to a child that might well not even be his. In any case I think he he was intending to split with her before, he should still break up with her now. Realising she will be a single mother might make her see sense and reconsider her stance on a termination. Even if she doesn't, if they break up it's not like she'll be getting any maintenance from him over the next few years whilst he studies, so she needs to work out how she will be able to afford her child.

Fingers crossed for his grades, OP.

And for hers.

I don’t see any advantage in deferring his place. Most of the deferred term time would be before the baby is even born, and his earning capacity would be minimal.

nor her if she isnt due until summer. She would be better deferring the second year. Much easier to go back to something you were already doing, than to start from nothing.

He got the grades he needed. Ex- gf also got the grades she needed.

Yesterday we sat down together and ran the numbers for what he could make as a junior doctor and beyond and what he could earn by deferring etc. Our mother has told him that if he doesn’t take up the place she’ll kick him out and he’d have to rent a room, pay for himself out of any money he made and cover all his expenses.

Given the cost of accommodation and living where we are based he’d save relatively little. Living with me is not an option. I can see this morning now he’s got the place confirmed and the dream of it all has become a reality that he really wants to go. However it’s also clear that if GF wants to continue with the pregnancy (and that seems to be the case still) that he wants to provide support in anyway he can.

The ex GF has asked him to come round tonight to her house and speak with her and her mother and discuss what is going to happen. The mother seems to have somewhat cooled down. Our mother won’t go with him so I have said I will go. We’ll leave if it gets nasty but I think he needs to face up to it and at least attempt a civil, practical conversation about their respective plans and what can be provided by him and what her expectations and plans are.

Honestly he's got years of study and practical learning ahead. Also Martin Lewis advice is not to defer because students loans are going to be upended next year. www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2022/08/reapplying-for-uni-in-2023-could-cost-students-thousands/

He must go this year to avoid this.

He should go. He shouldn’t defer.

He should also be honest with ex-gf and her mother about what is possible. For everyone’s sake honesty is needed and then if she does keep the baby there’s something of a plan that might work.

At Cambridge he can’t get a part-time job (he’s not allowed).
He won’t have time in the vacations to work, barring perhaps the summer.
He won’t be able to come and go during term time

Thats sensible. He should not be going alone. The most sensible thing for both of them to do is go to uni. Her earning in particular will be mostly affected by not receiving a degree. She has to be encouraged to put the longterm prospects of herself, and therefore her child, before what seems easiest in the short term. Women earn significantly less without degrees. This doesnt impact men nearly as much as women.

A lot of nasty people on mumsnet apparently

Interesting thread to read to be honest

If she was on the pill then she was being as careful as she could. No contraception is 100%. At 18 years old both knew this, right? I’d imagine so. Maybe they didn’t but it doesn’t change the outcome

I have friends who were mums in their late teens that are fantastic mums

pro choice is pro choice
sometimes these things do happen
everyone saying use a condom clearly are also not aware they are also not 100% protective either

Dad should go to uni. Break up with ex girlfriend because that’s what he was going to do. Support baby in any way he can. Ex girlfriend should keep baby if that’s what she wants to do. Her choice. Dad will get a better job if he goes Uni to support his child

Given the changes in the terms of the student loans, the gf should if at all posdible start this year. If she goes to university in her hometown it should ease the burden of childcare with her mum nearby to help. My own daughter discovered she was 7 months pregnant a few weeks into her years study abroad. It was a shock but she survived it and went on to achieve a first. We ( her parents) were horrified at first but now can’t imagine life without our our beautiful grand child. DD has just bought her first home and her daughter is due to start school next month. She has done this with despite disability (wheelchair user) and complete indifference from her child’s father and his family.

Your own mother has a few months to calm down and possibly reflect on what a good Catholic and mother should do to support her son and her future grandchild.

This.

I know that if I had gotten pregnant at that age, I don't think I could have terminated, yet it is what I would advise my daughter to do. Maybe if my parents had presented the case and pushed towards an abortion, I would have been more inclined to do it.

They both sound like lovely people who want to do the right thing. Integrity is great but maybe they need more gentle encouragement to be selfish and do what is right for them.

Whatever happens, they should both go to uni. She can take a break and then continue her studies.

I have friends who were mums in their late teens that are fantastic mums

I never understand why this is presented as a reason for teenagers to have children. Likely they’d be fantastic mums in their 20s and 30s too.

Well done to your brother OP, and also to his ExGF.
Good luck this evening - top sistering!
It might be a good idea to work out in advance what support your DB can, in reality, offer. And to be clear and honest about things that he doesn't yet know about. Non-term-time commitments etc.

Would the baby count as a dependent for student loan? He might be entitled to higher maintenance which he could then pass onto ex. Might be worth looking into

@LittleBearPad it’s not a reason to encourage teenagers to have children. I wrote that comment and I myself terminated a pregnancy at 19. Same situation, fell pregnant on the pill. Didn’t even test until 2 weeks after period was due because I took my pill every day same time so thought I wouldn’t be.

anyway, no one should encourage a teenager to be a parent but I was making that comment because not all teenagers are bad parents like some think. Not all 20 and 30 year old parents are good parents either. Realistically everyone should wait until they’re at least in their 20’s with some life experience behind them before they choose to have a child but in some cases protection does fail. it would be different if both these 18 year olds didn’t use any protection.

No one is saying that you should encourage a pregnancy in your teens and I hope no one would x

That it's fine to be a teenage mum instead of going to university shocks me as does this girls mother. I'd be wanting my daughter to enjoy university get a degree better career. Especially when the boyfriend is gone. What decade is the girls mother stuck in?

Have you any idea of the size of a medical students debt??

@SnickersTwix if you've time put together a spreadsheet on the size of your DBs students debt at the end of it all to show to the girl and her mum.

I have only read OP's posts but there seems absolutely no point in deferring. The baby won't be here till March by which time he will have the best part of the first year of his degree under his belt.

It wasn't meant like that. Just didn't want to slate teen mums! My 16 year old would make a great mum now, but would still prefer her to wait until she was older. It isn't about age being a barrier to being a caring a responsible parent, it is about life circumstances being very different and a lot more difficult at that age.

I'd be wanting my daughter to enjoy university get a degree better career. Especially when the boyfriend is gone. What decade is the girls mother stuck in?

I couldn’t agree more. I suspect that the mother is entranced by the idea of a baby in the house and can’t see any further than that. She certainly has some very unrealistic expectations.