18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

*So this woman can remove that by doing the best thing for everyone, including the potential child that results from this pregnancy

No pregnant 18 year old should be having a 'connection' and worried about 'their baby'. It isn't a baby. They need help to understand that it isn't a baby. Fact*

Its not you who decides abortion is the best thing for everyone, including the mother and future child.

No pregnant 18 year old should be having a 'connection' and worried about 'their baby

Empathy isn't your strong point, is it.

I don’t have an agenda? Your posts really are very odd and give this thread considerably more importance than it really has

Well tbh I think the behaviour of the pregnant girl and her family is much worse. Threatening to sue him, trying to force him to not go to uni and get a full time job.
The son has said he wants to be involved in the babies life, but not in a relationship with her. And he will financially support what he can. It's not up to OP to support this baby. It's not trying to coerce anyone into anything to say that. It's being honest.

I said on a personal level I don’t understand, and I don’t. I don’t have to understand though, given that I’m not this girl and it’s not my life. it’s not for me to tell what she should or shouldn’t do, but that doesn’t mean I’m without any thoughts on the situation.

incidentally, I have found myself unexpectedly pregnant and I didn’t even question what I was going to do. I had an abortion, and it was very straightforward. It wasn’t an emotional decision at all. Again thoughtful , I recognise that’s me, and it’s not going to be the same for everyone.

It does for the first 3 years.

you can ask ten different people about what’s moral and get ten different answers. Morality is personal, and it’s not like it’s something that can be enforced. You think he’s immoral, okay, and? What impact is that going to have on his, or anyone’s, life? That’s why it’s irrelevant.

It really doesn’t. There is significant vacation reading and a lot of pressure to undertake relevant work experience during the long vacations. It’s normal for medics and NatScis in particular to stay up for the 0th and 9th weeks.

He told her he would be going to University but would try and give her money from working in the holidays. He also wants to see the baby and be a part of its life.

That help. It's low but he's being honest not leading her on and doing what he can. That is all he can because he will be studying in a demanding course.

All this 'has a duty' and 'moral responsibility' is coming across as the very manipulative 'be kind' too.

Anyone can do anything inside of the law, no one has to work against their own best interests to be seen as compliant like that.

He is being honest, it is ultimately her choice what she does but he has every right to tell her how he feels and his intentions.

I reserve my judgement for the men who threaten suicide when in this guys position that's coercive, or the ones who issue threats (revenge porn/ to spread rumours/ threats of violence) and I reserve my judgement for the men who over promise to sound like the good guy but never deliver.

My neighbour is currently pregnant by a massive cunt who swings between "You'll fall on your face, I won't be there" and "I'll get custody because you will be an unfit mother"
Then of course there are the men who commit and then just meet new exciting other woman and leave the whole family behind never looking back when the children already know and love him.

The PP is right moral responsibility means nothing.

All this 'has a duty' and 'moral responsibility' is coming across as the very manipulative 'be kind' too.

Totally agree. He’s made it clear he’ll take as much financial responsibility as his income allows, he’s been equally honest that he’s not going to play happy families. And why should he?

Honestly of course he should go off to do his very lucrative university course which will ultimately allow him provide for his child.
Of course this girl has free choice as to what she does but she doesn't get to choose for other people . At least he has been honest about the level of support he'll be able to provide so she can make informed decisions

Assume for a second he doesn't go and gets a
Minimum wage job near his ex. He won't be in a position to pay large amounts of maintenance . The baby will be very small to be away from his mother for long for at least a year which will nearly be two years into his degree .junior doctors do get paid relatively well .
In our family I know what would happen would be our brother would go off to uni and the wider family would come together and pay reasonable maintenance in his stead .

I wouldn’t be doing a damn thing until a DNA test had been done, other than advising DB to block both the ex and her mother.

I only have daughters but if I had a son, I’d be taking over at this point and telling the other mother to communicate with me only, because emotive language and threats from both of them wouldn’t bother me, whereas it could deeply fuck your brother up.

Both have a choice. She wants the baby, he doesn’t, she wants a relationship with him, he doesn’t.

He’s been generous enough saying he will work during Uni breaks - that probably won’t be possible as he’s doing Medicine at Oxford, CMS will say he’s Nil Income so owes nothing, and as for the exs mother’s threats of not seeing the child, (if it’s his) well, that’s what mediation and courts are for.

I’d also be telling my daughter that he absolutely has the right to walk away and if she can’t handle being a single parent, then she needs to reconsider abortion. And if I thought for a second she’d done this on purpose, I’d be reading her the riot act.

I say this as someone who’s husband decided he “couldn’t be bothered” to be a Dad, when I was 6 months pregnant with a baby that we had tried over 18 months for and had two miscarriages prior to the successful third one.

Thanks all. Some really helpful reflections on here.

Her decision to not have an abortion is her choice. He made a choice not use a condom despite being an intelligent boy and he has to live with the consequences of that choice. Whether or not she planned this I have to say I’m suspicious of. However we are where we are and there will be a baby and that baby needs to come first. This has come at a terrible time (in many ways) but particularly bad given it’s proved a massive gossip point for teenagers looking for a distraction whilst they wait for exam results. His friends are piling on them, taking sides and it’s all turned rather childish.

He’s going to wait to see what results he gets in the morning. BD now feels he should support financially and emotionally as much as he can. He wants to be in the babies life if she decides to keep it and he wants to give her what money he can. Provided he gets the grades he’s going to discuss his options with Cambridge and take it from there.

Why would he discuss his options with Cambridge? The medical school will surely only want to know if he is taking up his place or not, I cannot see them being at all sympathetic to his predicament.
It is perfectly reasonable for a boy of 18 to believe a girl who says she is on the pill. In his position frankly I would walk away and focus on my career.
If the girl has deliberately tried to trap him then it is her behaviour that is despicable and immoral.

Cambridge won’t be even slightly interested in his situation, it’s indicative of his immaturity that he’s even considering discussing it with them. All the admissions department cares about is whether he wants the place so they can offer it to someone else if he doesn’t.

I agree with @Redburnett. He needs to take his place and make it clear to his ex girlfriend right now that his plans remain unchanged. He’ll support financially as far as he’s able - which won’t be much for a very long time - and that’s it. He needs to be straightforward and unemotional and make it clear he’s not playing happy families now or in the future.

There's a crazy amount of women on this thread that just assume a young man wouldn't want to play any part in his own child's life.

Hope it was good news for him today. I have a friend whose son is about to start medicine at Oxford and I know what he's gone through to get the offer.

If Cambridge won't defer, I'd urge him to take up his place. I think he'll forever regret it otherwise. Medical places are notoriously competitive and it would be a high risk approach to reapply next year.

Cambridge isn’t going to care, sorry. They will want to know if he wants his place or not.
end of. They’re famously fussy about anything that can ‘distract’ undergrads from studies.

He needs to take his uni place, he just does. I would be utterly mortified if any of my DC had a place in Oxbridge which they then declined so they could go work in the local supermarket instead. That would honestly be utter madness, he has to go so please don’t let him turn this opportunity down!

Sticky situation but I think the best course of action is to go to uni as planned, get a PT job on the side if he can and send child maintenance. He should forge a relationship with the child too but I have no doubt this woman is going to make things difficult for him. He’s got himself into a real mess which is a massive shame, especially for someone so obviously intelligent.

He should not discuss it with Cambridge prior to matriculating IMO. Once he’s started the course, it can be disclosed to the relevant person - or leave it much longer. I’m assuming that she’ll be pregnant for another 7-8 months so the baby should not impact his first 2 terms anyway. I do think that your mum needs to figure out a way to pay to support your db’s child to enable him to do this degree. Once he is a doctor, he’ll be in a much better position to pay for the child.

I would be utterly mortified if any of my DC had a place in Oxbridge which they then declined so they could go work in the local supermarket instead.

More so than paying pittance for a child he'd brought into the world? Interesting.

Can’t resist adding to the encouragement to take his place at uni if he gets the grades.

Short-term he will be able to do a bit less for the baby. Medium to long-term he will be able to do so much more and improve the life chances for him and his child. It’s almost impossible for anyone in that sort of situation to think longer term, let alone an 18-year-old, but I really hope he does.

Yes.