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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 16:41

LittleBearPad · 17/08/2022 16:36

That’s her decision then. She lives with the consequences of that decision

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He is legally and morally responsible for contributing tk the cholesterol he created's upkeep.

He is morally responsible for looking after his child. He, and any parent, can opt out ... but if they do, they have no integrity or responsibility.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 16:41

*child lol

This theass would someone cholesterol

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 16:44

LittleBearPad · 17/08/2022 16:35

Just because they don’t agree with you doesn’t make them a troll.

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It's not the disagreement that makes them a troll.

It's their blatantly provocative & callous tone.

I find myself explaining a lot of things that don't need explained to you.

LittleBearPad · 17/08/2022 16:47

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 16:44

It's not the disagreement that makes them a troll.

It's their blatantly provocative & callous tone.

I find myself explaining a lot of things that don't need explained to you.

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You’re taking this thread very personally.

It’s not callous to post, in admittedly direct terms, about people you don’t know.

Completelyovernonsense · 17/08/2022 16:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

Genevieva · 17/08/2022 16:49

Clearly this focusses the mind and a baby is for life, so he needs his degree more than ever. It is his gateway to a great job in the future with better pay prospects than whatever he can get now. The sooner he gets on with it the better to be honest. The baby won't even be born until next spring. If he goes to university in October he will have graduated by the time the baby is 2.

Whether he stays with his girlfriend and what she decides to do re. university is entirely operate. He can be a supportive Dad and a friend even if he goes to university. Cambridge terms are only 8 weeks long. That is 24 weeks in the year, leaving 28 when he can be at home closer to the baby.

greatdil · 17/08/2022 16:50

Cambridge terms are only 8 weeks long. That is 24 weeks in the year, leaving 28 when he can be at home closer to the baby.

No. Medicine doesn't work like that

SwedeCarrotLime · 17/08/2022 16:52

Genevieva · 17/08/2022 16:49

Clearly this focusses the mind and a baby is for life, so he needs his degree more than ever. It is his gateway to a great job in the future with better pay prospects than whatever he can get now. The sooner he gets on with it the better to be honest. The baby won't even be born until next spring. If he goes to university in October he will have graduated by the time the baby is 2.

Whether he stays with his girlfriend and what she decides to do re. university is entirely operate. He can be a supportive Dad and a friend even if he goes to university. Cambridge terms are only 8 weeks long. That is 24 weeks in the year, leaving 28 when he can be at home closer to the baby.

He’s reading medicine. Most of this does not apply, I’m afraid.

Genevieva · 17/08/2022 16:55

@SwedeCarrotLime Just found that bit. Very impressive and not a degree to be sniffed at.

bluedelphinium · 17/08/2022 16:57

I've only read the OPs comments but if it was my brother I would be strongly encouraging him to take the offer to.study medicine at Cambs. They obviously don't give away those places like sweets and it's a huge opportunity. He needs to be in a good place to concentrate though so it might be a good idea to approach the relevant college about deferral for a year and to see if they can offer any pastoral support. I'm a med student myself and know that he will have jumped through untold hoops to get this offer so shouldn't give it up now. He is absolutely not guaranteed to get another.

Good that he has ended.the relationship as.it does not sound like one he wanted to be in. If he was with her for the sex then he has hardly covered himself in glory but in his defence he is 18, not 38. This would be worth a strong conversation for future relationships with women once this immediate shock has calmed down but I daresay he has learnt his lesson. Try not to encourage him in pinning the blame on her and listening too much to friends. He was responsible for condom use too.

The mother sounds either very upset or immature or both. He will be able to apply for access through the court system so she doesn't have the absolute right to block him from the babys life. Your brother or parents do, however, need to make appropriate contributions. There is no need for this to be via full.time work. The important thing is to.look to the future beyond the next year which I accept is hard at the minute but he can't throw away an offer of cambridge medicine if it's what he wants. It's up.to the girl if she works with him to make university work around the baby or not on her part. She wouldn't be the first or the last but it sounds like she isn't that keen.

Just a thought but does he actually want to do medicine and go to cambs? You don't reckon he could be feeling pressured into this and actually has gone off the idea?

Genevieva · 17/08/2022 16:58

@SwedeCarrotLime it does still apply. The sooner you start the sooner you finish. Not all medical students become doctors. I know some one who became a patent attorney. He should undoubtedly still do the degree.

itwasntmetho · 17/08/2022 17:13

I'd consider her ex bf and his Mums attitude towards the pregnancy to be verging jn coercion for abortion though. They want to leave her so beleaguered she might do it.

It's not coercion to follow through with his original plan and offer less help than she would have liked.

It most definitely IS coercion to tell him he is duty bound to scrap his future and get a full time job, then have her mum text him saying she's going to sue him and make his life hard. She can throw away her future if that's what he decides, she doesn't get to decide that he will have to do that.
He is not the one issuing threats, he has every right to make his own decisions.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 17:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

They're enjoying a bit of trolling over dinner time, while there aren't many ppl around to challenge/,report them quickly.

They've also just said women who have ambivalent or negative feelings about a prospective abortion are psycholically mal adjusted and need psychological.counselling to correct them.

Can only presume a troll.

SwedeCarrotLime · 17/08/2022 17:25

Genevieva · 17/08/2022 16:58

@SwedeCarrotLime it does still apply. The sooner you start the sooner you finish. Not all medical students become doctors. I know some one who became a patent attorney. He should undoubtedly still do the degree.

Of course he should. I’m not saying he shouldn’t. I am saying that he won’t be home every eight weeks and he is very unlikely to graduate in three years unless he just takes his BA.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 17:27

It’s not callous to post, in admittedly direct terms, about people you don’t know.

Yes, it is.

Who made your rule up? You, just now.

Other posters are literally quoting then saying they're callous as we speak .... what's your agenda here.

LittleBearPad · 17/08/2022 17:27

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 17:24

They're enjoying a bit of trolling over dinner time, while there aren't many ppl around to challenge/,report them quickly.

They've also just said women who have ambivalent or negative feelings about a prospective abortion are psycholically mal adjusted and need psychological.counselling to correct them.

Can only presume a troll.

Show quote history

You may not like what they are saying or how they are saying it but their posts aren’t against talk guidelines.

whumpthereitis · 17/08/2022 17:28

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 16:41

He is legally and morally responsible for contributing tk the cholesterol he created's upkeep.

He is morally responsible for looking after his child. He, and any parent, can opt out ... but if they do, they have no integrity or responsibility.

Show quote history

He’s legally responsible for financially providing a percentage of his income. Moral responsibility is irrelevant given that it can’t be enforced, and you can’t really assume that someone is going to care as to whether they’re considered immoral or not.

It’s best she knows the score from the outset, and she can make her decisions based on the situation she’s in. On a personal level I cannot understand why a newly adult woman, about to go to university and with her whole future ahead of her, would choose to continue the pregnancy, but nonetheless it is of course her choice.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 17:30

It's not coercion to follow through with his original plan and offer less help than she would have liked.

What help àre they offering?

They are emotionally and practically trying to abdicate responsibility for the pregnancy, including the entrapment smearing campaign.

Friends, I think he absolutely should go and do his degree, if o lb because he'll actually be able toncontribute properly in a while.

The mother should also pursue her education; of the utmost importance..

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 17:32

Moral responsibility is irrelevant

Moral responsibility is never irrelevant.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 17:35

On a personal level I cannot understand why a newly adult woman, about to go to university and with her whole future ahead of her, would choose to continue the pregnancy

Some people have tricky feelings about terminating (all being well) their potential babies..... have you never noticed the incy wincy little debate, going on around the subject for decades.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 17:38

This op's Mum, for example is one of them .... but only if it's not her precious son who's co responsible for the pregnancy.

greatdil · 17/08/2022 17:39

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 17:35

On a personal level I cannot understand why a newly adult woman, about to go to university and with her whole future ahead of her, would choose to continue the pregnancy

Some people have tricky feelings about terminating (all being well) their potential babies..... have you never noticed the incy wincy little debate, going on around the subject for decades.

Then they need support in facing reality. It isn't a baby yet unless it continues on. So this woman can remove that by doing the best thing for everyone, including the potential child that results from this pregnancy

No pregnant 18 year old should be having a 'connection' and worried about 'their baby'. It isn't a baby. They need help to understand that it isn't a baby. Fact

Ithinkthatisenoughnowthanks · 17/08/2022 17:42

Can the pregnant ex-girl friend claim single mother money from the govt

There is no such thing as a single mother benefit. The woman will be entitled to benefits once the child is born. She won't have to work for the first three years but after that Universal Credit will start making demands of her. If she is sensible, she will pursue university and not rely on OP's DB and build her own path. As her mum.was looking for support with childcare, it would be safe to assume she will be encouraged to find that path.

Ithinkthatisenoughnowthanks · 17/08/2022 17:48

No pregnant 18 year old should be having a 'connection' and worried about 'their baby'. It isn't a baby. They need help to understand that it isn't a baby. Fact

Have you ever been unexpectedly pregnant at an inconvenient moment in your life? Been pregnant when you didn't intend to be? Broken up with a partner in the early stages of a pregnancy? Haboured less than healthy emotions about a man you are sure you can make love you if only he gets to spend more time with you? Surprised by your feelings when unexpectedly pregnant?

There is no point shouting fact at this young woman if her decision is made. She feels what she feels. If she can't go through with an abortion, that's her choice to make. Plenty of young people bring up fabulous children.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 17:55

LittleBearPad · 17/08/2022 17:27

You may not like what they are saying or how they are saying it but their posts aren’t against talk guidelines.

Show quote history

And ??

Anyway I bet if anyone reported them, their posts would be deleted like many of their previous ones.

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