18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

They’re both free to make their own choices. He can no more coerce her into an abortion than she can coerce him into being the type of father she wants him to be.

I’m no one’s moral authority, and I have no desire to act like one. Getting outraged and saying what he should be doing it a waste of time, frankly. He’s going to make his decisions regardless of moral outrage on mumsnet.

I think mumsnet attracts a lot of Mens Rights Activists these days so a lot of people posting aren't women

Or women that don’t feel like we have to hold certain opinions just because we’re women 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hope it all works out for him. We're all a bit naive at time and most of us were young once.

Just remind him that no contraception is 100% so enjoy college but keep clear of sex. It may be fun but he's already discovered the risk. Leave it till after he's found someone he wants to be with and after his course.

A similar thing happened with my husband's brother.

He carried on living his life. He paid maintenance but hardly saw her.

The mum started a "new" family with another man. The girl was sent to live with relatives or family friends before ending up in care.

The child is now in her 20's and seriously fucked up because no one wanted her.

As much as I think that a termination would be best for both, I know plenty of teens who've had kids and raised them themselves and the kids have had a great life.

Yup
Sorry not sorry.
Am absolutely not going to support a ridiculous teenage pregnancy with no stable family unit just because I'm female.

Thank God for abortion. That way, this young woman can make a genuine informed choice and has options. Her body her choice. His choices come once the baby is born.

Tbh, yes, I wouldn't be interested in playing the grandmother role in this scenario. There are situations where I'd invest my time and money and situations where I wouldn't. This would be a 'wouldn't'.

Again, my choice.

We all have choices.

In this case, the consequence for me would be a lot less ongoing drama

@Vikinga

Oh yes. Absolutely. I was just explaining what happened in a similar situation that I know of.

As crap as it sounds I would be encouraging him to keep to his Uni plans. It doesn't sound like him and this girl have much of a future playing happy families so he might as well do the Uni and try to earn money for supporting his child better when they are slightly older.

If he gets a job, splits up with the girl and then in 2-3 yrs time she has child #2 with someone else and settles wit them and he still only see his child EOW he'll be kicking himself for not going to Uni.

A lot of people on here saying that the girl 'should' have an abortion. Isn't pro-choice supposed to actually mean free choice? Otherwise it's pro-abortion. There are consequences to her choice for her and others, regardless of whether that choice is to abort or keep the baby. People only seem to care about the consequences to others when the choice is having the baby. Leaves a very nasty feeling in my mouth.

Two of my best friends (one male, one female) got pregnant with partners they hardly knew (like 4 weeksand 6 months respectively ) and were planning breaking up. Both sets happily married 15 years and multiple kids. So I don't think the fact he was considering breaking up is important. I think he should definitely go to Cambridge much better long term potential for him and to provide for child, I'd see if he can defer a year. And then they should both work their socks off before baby arrives and give the relationship potential chance. Presumably her mum is keen to help. Could she stay with her mum whilst he goes to Uni and comes back weekends/holidays? Cambridge do have family accommodation and are very supportive of students with families. I did a masters here and honestly there were people juggling all sorts. I think that the GF should explore other Uni options maybe deferring for 2 years.

Being very blunt but planned or not, your db’s ex will get far more support from db in the long run if he focuses on his studies now. He needs his degree to fund his future as well as support his dc. As for suing him for every penny cm, I’m not sure how much she thinks she is going to get from a minimum wage salary.

That being said, your dm’s behaviour is disgusting. Your db has learned a hard lesson here, but he was well able to prevent a pregnancy every time he had sex with this girl and he chose not to. I hope he takes more responsibility next time.

Yep. Choices are just that - choices people are free to make. No one else is obliged to like them, they don’t need to.

My opinions aren’t predominantly formed on the basis of sex, and when it comes to the personal sphere I lean to the individualist over the collectivist. In practice, this means I’m equally as likely to piss off a men’s rights activist as I am a feminist. Still a woman though.

Suppose he is only a child with no mature brain, as suggested with a simplistic and reducing line about brain development till 20s.
Then his parents have to take responsibility, especially since they allowed him to impregnate a woman- that's part of parenthood.

Funny how he is a little boy, and she is a woman responsible for his sperm and what he is doing with it in your narrative.

There is not only a misogynistic layer but also classism at its best presented throughout this thread including name calling. she was good enough to have sex with but now she is silly or, pardon, not bright. In contrast to doctor's in spe mummy who dosen't understand how a woman becomes a pregnant one.

Her mother suggested only this - that grandparents from both sides will take on and enable both young parents to develop into fully functioning independent adults with the means to provide for their child while ensuring that young father also has a chance to develop a relationship with his child. And he seems to want this.

And the suggestion that the GF 'trapped' him on purpose is disgusting. She should go through abortion she doesn't want for him – awful. And one of the worst examples of misogyny. One of the oldest cultural tropes is that women manipulative witches/bitches and use magic to get pregnant. Poor boys/men have nothing to say, and it has nothing to do with them.

But hey, girls are manipulating the whole world from the very first day of their life….
I can only feel sorry for all the girls at risk of betrayal from their mothers who would be more enthusiastic about shaming them, protecting a man over them, and pushing them for abortion.

So the only people who should be in sexual relationships are those who are sure they want to be with the other person forever? You think sex is something a woman gives a man, in return for what he's going to do for her over the rest of her life, so if he's not committed to being with her forever, he's cheating on the contract?

I thought the world had moved on from this type of thinking.

DB should go to university - it will benefit the child hugely once he is able to earn a good living and buy a property later on.

The young woman should get training or education to make sure she can provide for herself the best possible way she can.

The DB's family are not obliged to support the child regularly - it would of course be lovely if they wanted to, but it's not their responsibility.

It will most likely all work out fine. These things happen. It's very sad if the young woman is holding out hope for setting up home in a permanent relationship with her boyfriend - what an enormous risk to take on her part, in such an uncertain world. But there's no reason why she won't be fine and eventually find a career and new partner. She will still be very young by the time the child is school-age.

Exactly that. I suspect that faced with the reality that there will be very little financial or practical support and a great deal of resentment a decision will be made not to continue with this pregnancy. Which would be the best decision all round.

Please please please encourage him to go to University. I was a very young single parent, finishing my education and going to University enabled me to get a very good well paying job also the academic skills to go to court to get the specialist provisions that my children need.

But please do not let him be a bum and forget about the child. He needs to have a relationship with the child and financially support it. Of course you can't force but but this is something that needs to be encouraged!!

I do agree teenage (and older) boys are often twats about sex and relationships etc but all the hand wringing over why he had sex with her after he had confided he wasn't sure the relationship would last - I don't think most people break up with someone the second a doubt creeps into their mind.

Also if he should be expected to know that sex can result in a pregnancy, so should she. Fair's fair.

I'm pro choice, don't have or want kids so accept my perspective is probably skewed; I completely accept that the only possible solution is for abortion to be the woman's choice, it couldn't be any other way, although I wish it could because it doesn't seem "fair" but them's the breaks for men. Equally though, women don't have the power to dictate a man's whole future. Just as there is no perfect solution to abortion in which everyone's rights and wants are equal.

There is no easy option here and it's going to be painful all round no doubt but I think he should go to uni (and she should too).

Noooo. This is not good advice. If anything, they should be both be going to University not wasting time and deferring a year. I believe if you have a dream, and your passionate, why wait?! You don't know what's around the corner.

I knew many many people who waited to have kids in their very late 20's and early 30's having just graduated or finished their education and within one-two years after graduating, the women gets pregnant, does not work, wants to stay at home for the next three years and be a stay at home mum or unable to afford for childcare, whilst the job market is increasingly getting competitive and employers want to hire people with experience.

If they both go to University, not only would they increase their future earning potentials, they will be able to obtain good jobs and be right there in the job market (if she does not get pregnant again right after graduation).

Not only that, the University will give the woman grants for her to get childcare.

Are you always this defeatist? There are no such thing as consequences unless someone's does something wrong and is rightly reprimanded. It is not wrong to become accidentally pregnant or have a baby. There are choices which have pros and cons. It would be so so difficult to study whilst having a baby but it can always be done. Not only that, I know this may sound sexist but the OP's son would not be the main caregiver for the child.

No, he should go to Cambridge & work it out.

She shouldn’t have to go through anything she doesn’t want to. She had a choice whether to continue with the pregnancy or not she just doesn’t have a choice in regards to what anyone else decides as a result of that. The freedom to make a choice is not the same as the freedom to demand that anyone else rearranges their life to your liking in order to enable it.

His mother shouldn’t (and can’t be, in reality) be coerced into raising the child for him either. She’s responsible for the children that come out of her uterus, no one else’s.