18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

The reality is as a student he won’t have to give her very much as he has no regular income. And as for him not seeing the baby, he can get regular access through courts if it come to it.
give her family time to catch their breath,
but him qualifying as Dr, nurse,
medic etc means he’ll be in a position to support this baby - if it’s born.
and he absolutely HAS to have a DNA test done.

Absolutely baffled as to why the GF has ruled out abortion

she is 18, was supposed to be moving away for uni, only been with the boyfriend for a couple of months

she had so much exciting stuff to look forward to moving away from uni. If she has baby it will be at best really difficult at worse impossible.

Does she not wanna travel and see the world and stuff?!

why tie herself down with a baby at her age

I genuinely don’t understand it

@bathsh3ba

i think it’s fine to be pro abortion in this case

I think deferring now is a daft idea. The baby is due, presumably, around March? So there's only a couple of months left of term after that. If he wants to take a year out, that would be a much better time to do it - the university will be much more inclined to support someone that has already done a year, than someone yet to start.

@LuckySantangelo35 fair enough. I don't think it's ever okay to be pro-abortion. Funny how it's all 'my body my choice' when an abortion is wanted but that choice seems to disappear if the person doesn't.

@bathsh3ba

if it was my daughter in this situation I’d deffo be pro abortion

why would I want her life to be so much harder and for potential to be curbed

and no way would I want to be looking after the baby myself, I would be making that VERY clear

One of the posters claimed that he is not mature due to brain development and that the brain is developing until the 20s. Putting it this way is very simplistic and reductionist, especially as it is just one theory.
However, according to this logic, it's the grandparents' responsibility. Children don't have the legal capacity and are the responsibility of parents. It doesn't go both ways – he is almost a child, so he should run away and forget about his child, but in every other matter he is an adult.

I know she should not go through an abortion if she doesn't feel it is the right choice for her. Explain that to the posters, which are angry about the fact that she has control over her body.
Funny how his mum didn't notice that HE WANTS to be involved in his child's life. If his family wants him to go to university, they have to support him, which means his child as well. At the moment, he is with this alone and feels that he has no choice but to go to work. Paradoxically, the girl's mum tries to find a way for both of them instead of being angry with the other teenager. Currently, his mum is on the way to not having her son and grandchild in her life in the long run.

He goes to university, especially if it is Cambridge.
3 years of university, he comes out and after a few years is probably on a 6 figure salary which will better help support the mother and child. If he doesn't go, he will regret it and blame her, and also it will be a long hard slog of working without a degree.

The girl can defer her first year and have her baby. Then go back to university the next year.

Who takes care of the baby ? Well, the parents but in this case predominantly the mother.

Unreasonable of the girl's mother to demand your brother's mum to look after the kids. Sure , she can since it is her grandchild but it cannot be forced.

They just have to struggle for 3 years and the child can go to nursery. Dropping out of Cambridge is a bad decision from a financial point of view.

Also, since brother was going to break up with the girl anyway, the idea of buying a house and living together, it will blow up in their faces.
Can the pregnant ex-girl friend claim single mother money from the govt (not living in the UK right now) and the father's family contribute financially as well so life is easier for her.

No one at all has said that everyone with a particular opinion is a man. That's a straw man argument. I responded to someone commenting on women having a particular opinion that we don't know they are all women. We know that there are plenty of men on mumsnet and yes many of us suspect there are MRAs and even incels on some threads. (I've seen incel opinions on other threads) So no one needs to feign offence that I am accusing them personally of being a man or a MRA as I haven't done that. Just pointing out to someone who was assuming everyone on the thread is a woman that is unlikely to be the case.

@whumpthereitis

what rubbish!

im sure son will want her in his life when he wants her to baby sit his kid every now and then

Were that the case then grandparents would be forced to raise the children of their 15 year olds. They’re not. You can’t force anyone to raise children they don’t want.

Although, if she is responsible, then wouldn’t it be the case that she could relinquish the child for adoption?

She isnt entitled to anything at the moment. She's 8 weeks pregnant.

the girlfriend can exercise her choice to not have an abortion sure

but she cannot control her boyfriend

she has to be prepared that he might not want any involvement nor may his family so she has to be prepared to go it completely alone

basically she can make the choice as to whenever or not to ruin her own life but no one else’s

Check Martin Lewis' (Money Saving Expert) weekly email today. Advice is not to defer as Student Loan rules change next year.

This will have huge implications for both of them.

as far as coercion, how far do you want to take that? For example, if she feels she can’t have the child because she’s not married, is he coercing her into an abortion because he won’t marry her? Should be have to marry her, lest he be ‘coercing’ her? What about if her mother wasn’t able, or willing, to provide childcare? Should the mother have to?

no one is saying she should be forced to have an abortion. It is absolutely her right to choose. It is not her right to demand that anyone else has to act in the way that she wants.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet

they get a choice as to whether or not they want to parent though

you can’t force a man to parent

the whole don’t want sex if you don’t want a baby is ridiculous. We’ve moved on from that. Abortion is a completely viable and she has decided against that and that’s on her not him. She can choose to ruin her own life but not his

This May all be academic anyway as the girlfriend May now change her mind about abortion now that she knows her mother and boyfriends mother aren’t prepared to look after baby for her

I suspect that’s exactly what will happen now. At least I hope so. This isn’t a situation any sane person would want to see a child born into.

If they want to have contact with their grandchildren they are 'forced' to rise the children of their 15 years old.
However that wasn't my point.

I think mumsnet attracts a lot of Mens Rights Activists these days so a lot of people posting aren't women

I'm a woman. I feel like the best thing she could do is have an abortion, but if she's sure she wants the pregnancy, then she knows she's going into it alone. I completely think it's a woman's choice however, that doesn't mean a woman gets to decide for a man. If he decides he doesn't want anything to do with the child, why should he? He wouldn't be forcing her to have an abortion however making it clear, he doesn't want a child. No one should be forced into raising a child they don't want.

You can't force him to parent but you can force him to pay.

Abortion may be available but it's the women's choice so realistically for him to ensure it doesn't happen abstinence is the only sure solution of it not happening again.

I agree with what another poster has said: he needs to formally end this relationship now, given that that was what he was planning to do. It's really important that he doesn't sort of hang around, giving the girl hope and encouraging her to have all these "happy little family" fantasies dancing round in her head. Splitting up right now might even jolt her into terminating the pregnancy, which would absolutely be the best thing for everyone right now.

If she just won't do that? Well, her choice, but it is absolutely vital that your brother goes on to Cambridge. He needs to think about long term earnings prospects. A Cambridge degree will take him places. The idea of him dropping out and trying to get some crappy job or going to the local college or Open University so he can "be with the baby" is so, so, so bloody stupid. We all know perfectly well this relationship is not going to work. It would be better for both parties to face up to this right now, and for him to make it clear to her that he will provide financial support for her but not be her partner.

Cambridge degrees have short terms and there are plenty of earnings opportunities in the city of Cambridge itself. He can always get jobs during holidays.

Choices don't happen in a vaccum though. In cases of rape or incest, most people would think an abortion was the best choice, but it's still the mother's right to choose. In a stable family situation with two incomes, most people would expect an unplanned pregnancy to go ahead, but it's still the mother's right to choose. In the current situation, people are simply pointing out that there are significant factors that are likely to impact the happiness and life chances of both the parents and the future child, so in the circumstances abortion would be a reasonable choice.

That’s assuming they want that. The point is though that it’s their choice, they’re not forced to 🤷🏻‍♀️ I

Anyway, not like there’s not hundreds on threads on here from posters complaining that their parents/in-laws aren’t the slightest bit interested in playing the role of devoted grandparents. For all we know she’s quite happy to peace out on the lot of them, fuck off to an island somewhere and spend her remaining years sipping mai tais and banging cabana boys.

How is he going to personally fund his child's upbringing while he's getting in debt at university? That's like 5 years and then another 5 on relatively low wages until he earns something reasonable.

Look, babies and little kids are relatively cheap compared to the costs of teenagers and college-age young adults.

The guy is going to get a MEDICAL DEGREE. It makes a lot more sense for him to study and build up his earning capacity for later on. Trust me.