18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

No one is saying that, I don't think. If he can still go to school but support his child, that's the best option. The real issue is the best way to manage it. A different school? A deferral? He really needs to contact the school and see what state supports are available as well.

But yes, in some cases people need to deal with the immediate situation. Having a baby isn't the only reason a person may not be able to attend university immediately rather than getting a job.

I've both teen daughters and sons and I would encourage both to go to university. I'd talk to my daughter about the implications of having a baby now..how much harder everything would be. That she would never have a carefree student life and beginning of career and be able to travel and choose where she wants to work. That her relationship isn't strong and unlikely to have lasted so does she really want to be toed to him forever?

The 'poor girl' is choosing to have this baby. Her choice, her consequences. Mad choice but there you go. If she wants to have a child with someone who isn't her partner, won't be earning for 6 years, will be away most of that then probably most of the next 5 of so years after that, again, her choice.

UK trained medical students do not miss out on places btw.
They find them somewhere in the end.

Whether he completes the course/changes direction, who knows. It's 5-6 years study before even beginning the job itself on a very low wage. She has plenty of opportunity herself to continue her own studies or get a full time job instead if she prefers. Obviously her choice to have a baby in the mix is going to make that hard work but I'm sure she's factoring that in already.

If it happened to my son I would encourage my son to go to uni and work hard to get a well paid job in the future. I would encourage him to support the child by getting a part time job, if she wishes to keep the pregnancy. Ultimately, it's her decision but she doesn't get to decide what he chooses to do with his life.

The 'poor girl' is choosing to have this baby. Her choice, her consequences. Mad choice but there you go. If she wants to have a child with someone who isn't her partner, won't be earning for 6 years, will be away most of that then probably most of the next 5 of so years after that, again, her choice.

Yes and she is aware of this as he has advised her of it. So she's going into this with an understanding of how it will be. That's her choice. I think it's a crazy choice and it wouldn't be one id encourage a daughter of mine to make, but it's her choice. He shouldn't throw away his career because of a choice someone else is making.

Results are out tomorrow. Why not wait until then so you/DB know whether or not he has the Cambridge place? If/when that is confirmed, I would urge him to make contact with the student support or pastoral support in his college. They are really helpful in my experience of having the deranged mother of my DD's BF threatening to sabotage DD's chances. They normally allocate people from completely different departments as pastoral tutors, so they can focus on the student rather than academic issues.

Medicine has longer terms than other subjects, although I'm not certain when that starts. However, those saying that terms are only 8 weeks and he can a job in the "long holidays" are deluded. They have loads of work to do in the Christmas and Easter breaks and DD always spent the first couple of days catching up on sleep. She did a normal non medical first degree; I can imagine med students after year 1 having a lot more on their plate.

But they are saying that. He can't defer, that has been said already, and this is a place at Cambridge which will give him better options in the future. If it were a different degree at a different university then deferral/different uni would be appropriate (eg from the description, deferring/different Uni won't make a difference to the girlfriend's choice - beyond the difficulties of then having a baby to look after, obviously)

it's short sighted to think quitting, deferral or changing university is the right thing to do for this chid's future. He has said he will get holiday jobs to pay his way and support the baby.

This is far from ideal obviously, but he has to go to Cambridge. Those places are like gold dust and he will be in a much better position long-term to provide for the child than if he takes any old MW job now.

The ex-gf and her mum don't sound very bright to be honest, if they can't understand this. Very short-term attitude.

Terms at Cambridge are short yes, but you are not allowed to have a part-time job in term time there. The work is too intense and medicine will be particularly full-on.

If I were your mum OP, I'd be offering some money to the gf while your db is at uni. If she wants her son to get his degree, it's the right thing to do. If he can work in the summer holidays etc, then he can take some of this on too as far as possible.

I'm sorry this has happened for all concerned. From your point of view, I would be cognisant of his mental health at uni as the degree is intense anyway, without worrying about a baby.

She sounds as if she's made her decision and the loss of her degree is no big deal to her. Maybe she never really wanted to do the degree at the local university anyway, so this is a good reason not to? It's impossible to know whether she consciously set about "trapping" him or not. But what job did she think he was going to do at 18? She sounds very naive and not capable of future planning.

Is the GF religious? How silly to have a baby now at her age with uni on the horizon.

The freedom to make choices is the freedom to make choices other people may not necessarily like. That applies to both him and her. She can choose to continue, but he can choose to have minimal involvement. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks they should or ‘must’ do, they’ll make their choices for themselves.

He’s not going to be the provider and father she wants him to be. She can factor that into her decision making if she wants to, but she can’t demand he provide the support she wants him to.

If the boy's mother offers money now, there's 1. more incentive to keep the baby and 2. the risk of setting unrealistic expectations about future financial support.
I can see exactly where the mother is coming from here! Set your stall out early. Sister was initially a bit naive on that front.

I suspect she may now re-evaluate the decision to continue the pregnancy, as is her prerogative.

Having experience of this exact situation I’d encourage him to go to University. If I were her mum I’d be encouraging my daughter to do the same.

I would encourage him to support the child by getting a part time job

it’s medicine. Realistically, he’s not going to be able to manage that.

OP, could you, as a family, pay maintenance which your brother then agrees to pay back when he qualifies? He will likely go on to be a high earner so it could be a solution? I am not comfortable, personally, with the idea that he gets away Scott free, probably for 6 years or more, from a financial point of view, but I don’t think it is sensible he gives up his dream for Minimum wage for the foreseeable, The ex’s family need never know about any arrangements you might make as a family.

And they don't have to have any involvement with this possible future child at all. I wouldn't. Whole thing has disaster written all over it. Why get involved?

so only children born in ‘good’ circumstances matter to you? Dirty little secret children need to be hidden away, forgotten about? This child is still the OP’s niece/nephew and still a grandchild to the parents. Might not be the best start but he/she is not a second class citizen because of it. He/she is no less a part of their family for being conceived in less than ideal circumstances.

Shit happens. It’s how we deal with the shit that shows what kind of people we are.

I’m glad he’s broken up with her. Doing the “right” thing isn’t always the best thing. He can get his degree and still be a great dad. My relative had an almost identical experience. Gave up plans for Uni and moved in with the girlfriend. They spent a horrible 3 years struggling trying to make things work with practically no money. Luckily family helped out with child care etc. it was never going to work though. This was over 20 years ago but there is still a lot of resentment about it.

so only children born in ‘good’ circumstances matter to you? Dirty little secret children need to be hidden away, forgotten about?

No, but this one could easily be taken care of by aborting it

Six months in, if he was planning to break up, the kindest thing is to break up with her and go to university but support her financially and the child practically, financially and emotionally when it arrives.

Obviously we can't know for sure but it's possible she was careless with the Pill because she was hoping this would happen and it might keep him with her. She wouldn't be the first to do it.

But if she doesn't want an abortion then the child is at the centre of this, and the child is best served by two parents with good job prospects who work together to raise the child even if they aren't together.

No, but this one could easily be taken care of by aborting it

He has no say in that. He was big enough to go putting his penis in a woman’s vagina, he’s big enough to deal with the consequences of that. The family can make sure he has the support required to complete his medical training which will be beneficial long term for both child and parents. Saying you would have nothing to do with this ‘disaster’ is vile. It’s not perfect but it can be managed to have a successful outcome.

But equally they don’t ‘deserve’ to be held responsible in any way for a situation they had no part in creating. ‘Deserve’ really doesn’t come into it, you get what people are willing and/or able to give. It’s a crapshoot.

The thing is, ‘family’ can mean as much or as little as you want it to. I have family members I love deeply, and ones I have never met. I have friends I love as ‘family’. The meaningfulness of relationships isn’t inherently defined by blood.

I would stay out of it too. I have a brother, and I’m not his keeper any more than he is mine.

He should go to University.
So should she of circumstances allow it.

How much you and her mother helping obvious up to you, but if that was my daughter, I’d be helping her out. Would help out on behalf of my son too.

He created the foetus and if the foetus turns into the baby, he will be a father, straightforward thing.

No one has a right to order an abortion to another human, and while he doesn't have to stay with the mum, the child - once born, just will be his offspring, result of his actions and as a father he should have well being of his child on his mind.

This.
Every lazy or selfish man has his own mother somewhere, who would generally like the men to behave like responsible humans, but her boy is special and the expectations don't apply to him.

I'm just wondering now, if assault/rape was involved, whether the tone here would be different, or whether the poor boys future would be the only concern still.