Page 11 | 18yo got his GF pregnant.

SnickersTwix · 2022-08-15T20:08:54+00:00

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:, My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support. My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion. Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities). Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low. Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it. He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers. So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother? Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

ArcticSkewer · 17/08/2022 00:58

Lunar270 · 17/08/2022 00:46

I couldn't care less about a Cambridge education. He should've thought about it beforehand. It's harsh but that's life.

How is he going to personally fund his child's upbringing while he's getting in debt at university? That's like 5 years and then another 5 on relatively low wages until he earns something reasonable.

Are you suggesting that this GF gives him a 5-10 year pass in hope that he pulls his finger out later? The child will be 10 by then and there's no way I'd be able to look him/her in the eye.

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He's going to fund it using the same method every other separated father uses - cms calculator.

Yes that does mean fuck all til child is about 10.

Ex girlfriend needs to factor that in to her decision to be a single parent.

Choices have consequences. It's a bit of a mad choice but there you go. We don't live in a Thomas Hardy novel. Abortion is a perfectly valid alternative.

User8273738273737 · 17/08/2022 00:59

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 15/08/2022 21:20

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities)

But he hung on to her for sex in the interim? Nice. Tell him to end it and to fully support his child. She'll be better off without him, I suspect.

@LadyMonicaBaddingham she’s 2 months pregnant, things can change in 2 months in an overall 6 months relationship

fUNNYfACE36 · 17/08/2022 01:28

Redbone · 15/08/2022 21:18

It has to be his choice but I would be encouraging him to split up with his GF, go to Uni and try to support his baby financially.

This

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 01:59

We don't live in a Thomas Hardy novel.

Not sure what you've point is - Thomas Hardy novels are almost unrelenting awful and depressing. And men regukarly skip out on their responsibilities like Alex and Angel toward Tess for example. The former leaving her a broke unmarried mother, the latter an abandoned wife, and blamed for her own rape.

wtf re this not being a Hardy novel lol

Abortion is a perfectly valid alternative.

To.yoi, not tk everyone. Abd apparent no to this young woman
.

No woman should ever be expected to have an abortion, including because the father has dumped her and plans to provide as little as possible so she's worthee about coping financially and everything else. That's almost coercion into.an abortion.

Oxbridge medical candidate who can't stop.shagging a girl he intends to dumpe and doesnt use.condims with her, like seriously ...

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 02:01

Apologies for my typos

MangyInseam · 17/08/2022 02:13

ArcticSkewer · 17/08/2022 00:58

He's going to fund it using the same method every other separated father uses - cms calculator.

Yes that does mean fuck all til child is about 10.

Ex girlfriend needs to factor that in to her decision to be a single parent.

Choices have consequences. It's a bit of a mad choice but there you go. We don't live in a Thomas Hardy novel. Abortion is a perfectly valid alternative.

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This is why some people think access to abortion is not the clear feminist win some believe. Instead it becomes an out for men to avoid taking responsibility for their decisions. And pressures women who don't want an abortion, or have ethical issues with it, to do it anyway.

Becoming a father or mother is always a possible outcome of having sex. Even if you are off to Oxford.

Newmumatlast · 17/08/2022 02:32

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:32

Worth saying that the GF wants him to give up on uni, get a job etc but then she is panicking and that is understandable.

My mum has made it very clear she won’t support “that girl” in any way. Shocking really since she is a Catholic and anti abortion and obviously my DB was having sex outside of marriage. I’m actually not speaking to my DM her attitude is appalling and I think DB may be trying to counteract her by being overly sacrificial.

Your mother's attitude really is appalling, you're right.

In my view, this is an outcome that they are both responsible for. And though, if this were my son, I would also want him to not change his plans actually that's unfair on the GF who will then have more burden placed on her to deal with the situation. I appreciate she is deciding to keep the baby, not him, but that is always a likely outcome when you have sex and a baby is made.

Thinking it through, I think it would be best for them both to defer a year. This will mean that both can work (if GF has a job or can get a job - appreciate it could be hard to get one when already pregnant but if she can, there's no reason she cannot work right towards the end of pregnancy unless unwell). GF can likel only manage one job but your DB could take on more that one - I had 3 to save for uni myself. They can save this money ready for supporting the baby and then both be free to care for the baby when it is first born. This means GF isn't left with all of that responsibility on her own while your brother is off living his life unaffected at uni. It also gives time for them to plan what to do next.

Once the gap year is finished, DB should go to uni at Cambridge (if they agree to let him defer - if not, he can apply again during his gap year) but be clear that he needs to be coming home and working during all holidays to support baby. His GF can of course make her own decision as to what she wants to do but really should try to go to uni herself and your DB should support her in this by helping research childcare and grants during his gap year period.

While both of them are at uni, though their parents aren't responsible for baby - they are adults after all- if it were me, I would be making sure my son didn't fail in his responsibility by stepping up myself to help out to ensure baby has its needs met at least financially by providing clothing and items as required and if GF is at that point still local, helping if I could with childcare. I appreciate the latter may not be possible due to work but the financial side should be even if only to a certain degree.

As to the relationship I do think if your brother was going to end it, he should go through with that but know that GF will think it is because she is pregnant and the shit could hit the fan in terms of her reaction and that of her family damaging to an extent the ongoing parenting relationship as he will be perceived as another guy who dumps his GF because she is pregnant. Perhaps speak to your brother about whether he genuinely was going to end it due to distance and how he feels. The distance won't be an issue during the gap year and if he actually does like her it may be worth giving it a shot at least to see how that pans out. It seems a bit convenient that after he hears she is pregnant he confides in you he was going to end it anyway. If he was, why hadn't he already.

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/08/2022 02:36

He absolutely needs to pull his weight not just financially but with the donkey work as well.

Shocked at some of the replies and the blatant sexism. They are both accountable for their actions. They don't need to stay together but they do need to coparent fairly so that she has equal opportunities in life.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 02:37

MangyInseam · 17/08/2022 02:13

This is why some people think access to abortion is not the clear feminist win some believe. Instead it becomes an out for men to avoid taking responsibility for their decisions. And pressures women who don't want an abortion, or have ethical issues with it, to do it anyway.

Becoming a father or mother is always a possible outcome of having sex. Even if you are off to Oxford.

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This.

That attitude is callous.

It's tantamount to coercion.

And so conveniently cold and lacking empathy; I'm.pro choice but one look at the pregnancy choices board on here demonstrates just how baby women are coerced or influenced into abortions and traumatised by them (with no preparation/warning they could be, because its presented as above. Its not easy, it's not straightforward, its not without emotional/mental.risks, it's not without possible life long effects, it's not devoid of massive moral and emotional implications ....
And it's not the men (the men in favour of the abortions).who have to go.through it or deal with any of that in the way the woman having it is.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 02:41

Shocked at some of the replies and the blatant sexism. They are both accountable for their actions. They don't need to stay together but they do need to coparent fairly so that she has equal opportunities in life.

Yeah the:she trapped him (with no.real.evidence of that, and he didnt have to keep having sex with her esp.sjncd hed apparently decided to need the relationship, and he could've (and should have). used condoms) ....so she's can get CM.in 20.yrd time. He can walk.away except for that, too fkg bad on her.

And this I supposed to be a feminist forum.lmao.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 02:44

*so she's can get some CM. in 10 yrs time

Newmumatlast · 17/08/2022 02:46

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 00:22

It's been proven recently that some winevs bodies counteract the pill ; and they have no way of knowing that until they fall pregnant on it.

It fails fie other reasons too.

In any case this young man with his supportive, close Mum and much older sister (not to mention sex education) should have been well.aware of the compelling reasons for using condoms.

It's for this reason that, from 16 to 18 pre uni, with high ambitions to attend a top uni and enter a competitive profession to establish a career for myself, I ensured not only that I was on the pill but that my BF used condoms and actually exclusively the ones which are spermicidically lubricated. 3 different ways pregnancy could be prevented. I also took the morning after pill once when the condom got a bit stuck and I was worried that it could've failed. Yes perhaps overkill but we have to be responsible for contraception- not just women but men too - if we are ambitious and do not want a baby but want to have sex. DB could've used condoms like this as an extra layer of protection to the pill.

Newmumatlast · 17/08/2022 02:58

SnickersTwix · 16/08/2022 21:13

By way of update…. I spoke to DB earlier this evening and a number of things have happened. We had talked yesterday evening and he had come to his own conclusions that the relationship wouldn’t be healthy, wouldn’t last and it had to stop, regardless of the baby. I also talked to him about the importance of getting a degree/profession.

As mentioned yesterday DB and GF are in the same friendship group. A mutual friend told my brother this morning that they were suspicious about the timings and thought that GF had planned it to some extent to try and keep him. Apparently this friend had seen something on her phone about ovulation some time ago and thought this was odd due to her being on the pill. Unclear to me if this was just when she suspected pregnancy.

DB met with GF today and confronted her about planning this. She denied it. He broke up with her. I don’t entirely know how it all came about but apparently at some point she admitted she knew about the pregnancy before he did and that the pregnancy test she did with him was essentially for him to see and she already knew at that point herself.

Shes taken the break up badly. Apparently she will be having the baby regardless of him. He told her he would be going to University but would try and give her money from working in the holidays. He also wants to see the baby and be a part of its life. She said he was duty bound to provide for her and she needed financial support and he needed to get a full time job. At that point he left. Since then he’s received a number of nasty texts from her mum saying he’s a waste of space, she’ll sue him for every penny of child maintenance, she’ll make his life hell at Uni (no idea how she would actually do this) and he won’t be seeing his child unless “he and his whole family pull their weight”.

To be honest, whilst I dont condone the mum's reaction, I understand it. Your brother accused her daughter of purposefully getting pregnant based on little evidence and despite not taking precautions himself (hello condoms), told her he was basically not making any alterations to his plans at all despite the situation, and then broke up with her. His answer for supporting her was that he would TRY and give her money by working in the holidays- so basically not guaranteed, not sounding very committed to the idea, and likely very little even if achieved. The sentiments expressed about him, while not done in an appropriate way, aren't entirely unfair.

What is his plan to provide practical support during the pregnancy and beyond? Why isn't he looking to provide monetary support before then? Surely someone who has planned to go to uni at Cambridge to study medicine has worked before and saved some money for uni or has he not bothered preparing for uni at all? If so, he could give her some of this. Yes, less for uni but this is his child.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 02:59

My mum has made it very clear she won’t support “that girl” in any way. Shocking really since she is a Catholic and anti abortion and obviously my DB was having sex outside of marriage. I’m actually not speaking to my DM her attitude is appalling and I think DB may be trying to counteract her by being overly sacrificial.

As an anti.abortion Catholic, perhaps she should have done a better job at educating her son, encouraging him to delay sexual relationships until he's older, or at the very least protect himself against unwanted pregnancies and stds while having sex by using condoms.

Some Christian she is.

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 03:03

that girl

Ah the "othering" and villifying and distancing.

Reminds me of "that woman" who Bill. Clinton did not have sexual relations with (while he'd let her blow him innhid office).

Was she "that girl" while your b was dating her and shagging her or did she have a name then?

I reiterate ... some Christian.

Newmumatlast · 17/08/2022 03:22

AliceW89 · 16/08/2022 21:45

Yes I can imagine he's terrified. Really - encourage him to disengage, block mother's number, and text only factual and non-emotional responses to ex girlfriend

I agree with this and I would go further and say all communication with the ex girlfriend should be through email, so there is a proper paper trail. Save everything from the GF’s mum and don’t be afraid to speak to the police - he’s been a naive fool, but he shouldn’t have to live in complete terror of this woman.

Assuming he gets his grades, he should let pastoral support know exactly what is going on as soon as possible. The first year of a medical degree will need to consume most of his brain space if he is to succeed and having this going on in the background is incredibly stressful. They can put support in place and use it to allow him time away, should it come to it. Nobody will think badly of him - they will however think badly of it if he drops it in mid way through the year when the wheels are falling off.

I think you should sound out a family solicitor and see what they say about the situation, especially if it means taking dealings with the GF and his family out of his hands.

Good luck.

Talking about police and solicitors at this stage seems to me to be a complete over reaction. The mum has reacted likely out of anger due to how the BF has behaved. In her view, BF and GF were in a relationship and all was well, her daughter finds out she is pregnant and BF reacts by accusing her of planning it dumping her and then saying essentially that he will do everything he was going to do before it happened and will TRY and provide for them through holiday work. No plan as to better financial or practical support. Most parents hearing that would be pretty mad. Yes the way she then dealt with it was wrong but the correct reaction in my view isnt to block her, involve police and solicitors but to be mature and think ahead to co parenting in the future by setting the foundations now through seeking to arrange a calm focused discussion about how things should work moving forward. They may not want to do that but it would be sensible to suggest. And if they say no, to put forward a proposition yourselves as to what BF is able to do and how he will step up to ensure GF isn't left with this all herself. He has to think about the best interests of his future child and his relationship with them. What will he want them to have as their childhood and to know about him? A father to fucked off to med school and bunged their mum a few hundred in the holidays or a Dad who yes went to study to make life better but tried his best by deferring and working, being there during the pregnancy and early days of baby, and then carried on working in holidays and being there as much as possible during study? Who helped their mum by making a plan as to how she could also do what she wanted to do for a career? And a grandparent (your mum) who also stepped up as a grandparent should by being appropriately involved.

Newmumatlast · 17/08/2022 03:27

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 22:42

Honestly ... what would you really want for your 18 year old daughter?
A teenage boy who doesn't want to be there, is neither use nor ornament (and yes, I have one. I don't trust him to remember to feed the cat), playing happy families for sux months which persuades her to keep the baby thinking it's all love's young dream.
Or a sharp dose of reality.

A teenage pregnancy doesn't have to be a big deal, because it doesn't have to result in a baby. If it does, it still doesn't have to be a big deal with supportive parents to help the daughter.

Imagining any kind of useful role for an 18 year old boy seems a pointless fiction.

But do feel free to post the many examples you know of useful 18 year old fathers

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My husband. He abandoned his plans to go to uni and instead got a full time job and supported his then GF. They did split later down the line. Probably they shouldn't have stayed together as long as they did. But he stepped up and made sure they had a roof over their heads and food on the table.

Unfortunately it meant he gave up his dreams. But the pregnancy was half his responsibility too. And it was only because he didn't have supportive parents really that things were like that for him. If it were my son I'd help him still achieve his dreams by either stepping in financially and practically during his training period or else supporting him to go back to it later down the line once he had got through the early years with a baby. Not all 18 year old boys are useless and they shouldn't be allowed to be, to be honest, as it isnt all the girl's responsibility. And it shouldn't just be her parents stepping up either.

preservesandreserves · 17/08/2022 05:06

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 00:18

And rhe period/ovulation tracker could simply have been her trying to track her period for many of the reasons any Wigan might want to, espnone at school, having to.do PE, possibly swimming, generally not wanting to get csught out without sanitary protection somewhere it's not easy to take discrete toilet breaks ab where you may have to wear skirts all the time etc.

Sounds like people are wading in maliciously with all sorts now there's some meaty gossip; with a nice slice of misogyny in there.

absolutely what all the poor girls friends are doing now. Enjoying some meaty gossip. What I'd a teen pregnancy without the token 'I know she trapped him'.

Also the pill fails because of human error. It doesnt take much to forget a pill, he should have insisted on wearing condoms aswell, especially as he was planning on breaking up with her.

A common thing when I was that age was the boys encouraging the girls to go on the pill so that they can have sex skin to skin. Condoms make it feel different don't you know? even at the mere age of 18 the boys were getting their gfs to take charge of contraception. Why bother wearing a condom when you don't have to have the baby or the abortion if unwanted pregnancy occurs and you get to slag off you girlfriend for being in love with you but not you, her, despite telling her that to stay in her panties and 'trapping' you into a life with her, like you're such a good catch. ffs. He needs to move away from that sharpish.

Marvellousmadness · 17/08/2022 05:15

"Not planned at all- she was on the pill."

🤐🤣 right

And considering he was thinking of LEAVING HER before the pregnancy was even a thing

Boy did he make some bad decisions

ArcticSkewer · 17/08/2022 05:22

LooseGoose22 · 17/08/2022 02:37

This.

That attitude is callous.

It's tantamount to coercion.

And so conveniently cold and lacking empathy; I'm.pro choice but one look at the pregnancy choices board on here demonstrates just how baby women are coerced or influenced into abortions and traumatised by them (with no preparation/warning they could be, because its presented as above. Its not easy, it's not straightforward, its not without emotional/mental.risks, it's not without possible life long effects, it's not devoid of massive moral and emotional implications ....
And it's not the men (the men in favour of the abortions).who have to go.through it or deal with any of that in the way the woman having it is.

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Yes, let's ban abortion.
Or possibly pre-marital sex.

Excellent feminist choices, both.

What this actually is, is the spelling out of what 'her body her choice' covers and doesn't cover. She can choose to continue the pregnancy. Her choice, he has no say or influence over that ..

She can't choose how he reacts to that, his career and life choices, his emotional contributions, where he lives, what he does in his free time, anything else connected to him - apart from his child maintenance contributions for 18 years. Perhaps that's the part that needs spelling out to teenage girls. The boys decide it for themselves pretty quickly.

I would do precisely nothing to support a pregnant 18 year old ex-girlfriend of my son's to continue her pregnancy or with child-rearing. I would finance the abortion if that was the issue, no question at all.

If it was my daughter, I would be a bit horrified but these things happen, abortion pills are extremely straightforward and there is no need to over-emotionalise matters age 18, unplanned pregnancy (as per overwraught post above). Thank God for abortion, frankly, in these scenarios. But if my daughter chose to keep it, whilst obviously a mad decision, I would help her continue her studies. I'd worry a bit about myself - it'd be lovely to have a cute baby again, I wouldn't want that to be any kind of influence subconsciously.... her having a baby so I get to parent it. That would be very selfish of me. The best decision for her, with no doubt whatsoever in my mind, would be abortion and of course I would not have brought my children up with catholic guilt. Her choice to single parent if she wished.

I'm not into unplanned teenage parenting as a concept for my children, male or female.

rngage · 17/08/2022 07:21

Hankunamatata · 16/08/2022 23:03

Surely it doesnt matter how the baby got here now. Theres a baby and it needs parents. He need to work out how he is going to parent and do his degree.

But there isn't a baby yet, just a fetus

Jaffapaffa · 17/08/2022 07:28

Not sure if this has already been mentioned, but from what I understand, deferring University for a year will mean that DB will be on a different student loan plan, and could incur a much higher debt.

Might be worth factoring into discussions?

rngage · 17/08/2022 07:31

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/08/2022 02:36

He absolutely needs to pull his weight not just financially but with the donkey work as well.

Shocked at some of the replies and the blatant sexism. They are both accountable for their actions. They don't need to stay together but they do need to coparent fairly so that she has equal opportunities in life.

Financially but why should he have to be involved at all? She needs to get an abortion if that's not good enough

She's made her choice. Now he makes his

rngage · 17/08/2022 07:34

This young woman of 18 is making a decision to keep the pregnancy going. Fine. Her body, her choice.

She doesn't then get to decide how he supports the baby, if it becomes a baby and she's doesn't lose it.

She needs to get an abortion. Ffs she's in no position to have a baby and he won't be supporting her. If she 'can't do it' then she needs some psychological help as to why, at 18, she can't have a few pills and end the progression of a clump of worthless cells that'll end up a huge emotional and financial drain if not taken care of now

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/08/2022 07:43

Your DBro should go to Cambridge and visit baby in vacations. That give them all strongest position.

The girlfriend should try and defer her uni for a year and build up so money before baby born.