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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thanking strangers

162 replies

Wdib78 · 15/08/2022 20:11

I had a baby recently and 2 of my parents neighbours have bought a couple of outfits for my baby.

Bearing in mind I have never met either of these neighbours at all.

Before one had even brought the gifts round ( I was there when she brought it)
My dad said when you walk past just knock on xxxx door and show her DC
I said I'm not knocking on someone's door who I don't know to show them DC, that feels weird to me.

The other neighbour bought a couple outfits for DC and my dad said "next time you're round just knock on their door to say thanks"
He mentioned it again today while we were out for a meal and I said it makes me feel uncomfortable knocking on someone's door who I don't even know or met and say I'm your daughter, thanks for the stuff!
He said "well your mum can go with you"

I explained that If I was in that position in reverse if you passed on a thank you to me then that would do for me, I certainly wouldn't expect a personal visit.

His response " well you should!"
And slammed his glass down.

Even my mum was cringing, my DP can see how uncomfortable he's made me feel being so pushy with it.

Is it the norm to go round knocking on strangers doors because it feels awkward as hell to me and he knows I've always been painfully shy. I didn't want to kiss a waiter on holiday at 9 years old but he was adamant then that I should. I feel he has no boundaries. Or should I just do as I'm told?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wdib78 · 15/08/2022 20:46

thinkningaboutit · 15/08/2022 20:42

A card is enough but if you're going to go round take your dad. Why take your mum?

He suggested mum coming with me not me

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/08/2022 20:46

I think your parent’s neighbours sound absolutely lovely. This is how decent people used to behave in the “olden days”. I suggest you listen to your father and show their neighbours some respect and gratitude.

Knocking on the door of people you don’t personally know to thank them causing you all this anxiety shows you’re really over-thinking this. Just go there and be gracious, show them your beautiful baby. Make strangers be happy just for the sheer joy of it

Nobotoxno · 15/08/2022 20:46

Write them a note.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/08/2022 20:46

Yes if the neighbours are friendly enough to buy your baby a gift then they're friendly enough to knock on their door to say thank you.

A card would do nicely.

Basic manners.

Dad shouldn't have to remind you to thank them.

Chickadeeandchic · 15/08/2022 20:46

I think this is a generation clash thing - back in the day you'd ring people up or go round their door and have a cuppa over things like this whereas I find it rude to turn up to someone's house unannounced (especially if I don't know them!).

My in laws had similar views once our DC was born, except the random people sending stuff were a couple of hours drive away (where PIL live) so they were absolutely insistent that thank you cards must be sent and done asap (i.e. day 2 or 3 of baby being in the world). They were so pushy about it, even though it's something I planned to so anyways!

Although in our case it was one of the signs that they hadn't quite realised we were adults now and couldn't be bossed around like kids (in our 30s). They were also insistent that we HAD to travel a couple of hours to go and meet some random distant relative for a cuppa once, despite DH never having met them himself and had no interest in doing so, nevermind carting a newborn with you. They couldn't get their heads round that.

BatshitBanshee · 15/08/2022 20:50

Wdib78 · 15/08/2022 20:46

He suggested mum coming with me not me

Show quote history

Ah, jobs for womenfolk then. I suppose DP wasn't pestered and bleated at go round to say thank you on behalf of your new family unit.

I'd send a card and tell dad I'll do things in my time, my way.

waltershite22 · 15/08/2022 20:50

YANBU. I'd be extremely uncomfortable knocking on a strangers door in this situation.

I'd put a card through their door.

LesterKnopf · 15/08/2022 20:56

Your dad should not have reacted the way he did. You are the mother of a newborn baby and probably quite tired and even more anxious about things than normal. If he genuinely thinks you should go and thank the neighbours, there are much kinder, more respectful ways of getting the message across than slamming a drink down and using an angry tone. You are his daughter who has just had a baby, and he knows you are generally quite shy / anxious so he should by now have learned better ways of talking to you.

Stag82 · 15/08/2022 21:11

My Grandmas neighbour bought DS an outfit, I popped round for ten (took DS with me). They’ve been very good to my grandma (!and grandad when he was with us) over the years. I am quite good at small talk!

TokyoTen · 15/08/2022 21:15

YABU - just go with your mum and knock on the door and say thank you. It's just polite and will only take a few mins.

MidnightMeltdown · 15/08/2022 21:19

YABvU

Of course you should knock and say thank you!

You're a grown adult ffs, what exactly are you afraid of?

AlwaysLatte · 15/08/2022 21:21

YABVU - just do the right thing and go and say thank you.

LoveKingGary · 15/08/2022 21:22

I think this is the type of situation that would fill me with dread at the thought, and then I'd make myself do it, and they'd be lovely and coo over my perfect baby for 5 minutes and I'd smile for the rest of the day, feeling relief that it was done and gratified that they did indeed see how precious my baby was 🙂

Your dad sounds a bit difficult and I can see why you'd be annoyed at him.

AlwaysLatte · 15/08/2022 21:24

YABU and ungrateful. Get your mum to take you and the baby round and say thanks - she and they would love it.
This!
Your neighbours are your mums support network. And your mum will be thrilled to have something so special to talk about with them - no doubt your neighbour did it because of her talking so much about the baby and they felt connected.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 15/08/2022 21:25

At the very least send a thank you card

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 15/08/2022 21:25

Wow, you are getting a hard time on here @Wdib78 YANBU to feel a bit weird and awkward. Why on earth are these people buying their neighbour's new grandchild a gift anyway? When they have never met/don't know the parents, and have no connection with them or the child? Confused

Your dad is being weirdly controlling and bossy. This would piss me right off. I would not want to visit tbh! However, I understand that may be hard...

I second getting a little thank you card, and just dropping it through their letterbox. As I said, it's very odd that they even got anything! They sound lonely, and like they're trying to extend their social circle. Friendly, and well-meaning, but buying their neighbours grandkid a present, when they have never met the child OR the child's parents. Very weird.

Hugasauras · 15/08/2022 21:27

Just send a card with a pic of the baby wearing their outfit on the front. Moonpig do photo cards. You have to say thank you, but just do it in a way that suits you.

Hugasauras · 15/08/2022 21:28

And I don't think it's that weird. If they are friends with OP's parents then it's quite a common thing. I've had gifts with both DDs from friends of my mum's who I don't really know! And she does the same with children of her friends 🤷‍♀️

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 15/08/2022 21:29

@RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie

YABU and ungrateful. Get your mum to take you and the baby round and say thanks - she and they would love it.

Nah fuck THAT for a game of soldiers. OP hasn't got a new fucking car! Hmm

She does NOT have to take her baby around to this person she has never met because her bossy fucking dad demands it. And she is NOT ungrateful. No-one asked these people to buy anything FFS! Hmm

Scrapologist · 15/08/2022 21:30

I think it's strange for your father to practically demand you go around and thank people in person! He sounds rather grumpy and like a man who must have everything his own way and is always right. 🙄

A note would be fine, or your mum could snap a photo of your baby wearing the clothes (or at least with the clothes next to the baby) to send them along with a quick message of thanks. That would be plenty. Honestly, your parents could just say, the next time they see the neighbours, that you thanked them for the clothes. It isn't the sort of thing that requires an in-person visit to strangers. They gave you baby clothes, not a kidney or an offer to pay the baby's way through uni!

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 15/08/2022 21:31

Hugasauras · 15/08/2022 21:28

And I don't think it's that weird. If they are friends with OP's parents then it's quite a common thing. I've had gifts with both DDs from friends of my mum's who I don't really know! And she does the same with children of her friends 🤷‍♀️

And did YOUR parents demand you take your baby around to see these randoms who you don't know from Adam, and thank them profusely, and sit and have a cup of coffee, while they paw your baby?

No, I thought not.

turquoise1988 · 15/08/2022 21:33

YABU I'm afraid. I assume you are happy to keep the gifts?

You may not know them and feel awkward about knocking on their door, but they have gone to the effort to buy something nice for your child, so the least you can do is to say "thank you." Just be an adult and put any embarrassment to one side, it's no excuse to not acknowledge their kindness.

Dunnoburt · 15/08/2022 21:35

Congratulations...firstly....and I'm sorry about this but secondly..... you are lucky to have parents that care so much about their new grandchild to talk to their neighbours about the news....... my mum and dad moaned about having to attend the funeral of my 27.6 stillborn saying it was a bit of an overreaction.....YABU....say thank you! And mean it.

turquoise1988 · 15/08/2022 21:36

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

Are we even reading the same thread?

Where in this thread has the OP said that her Dad asked her to "thank them profusely, and sit and have a cup of coffee, while they paw your baby?"

They are people not dogs ffs.

Mammyloveswine · 15/08/2022 21:36

My mams friends were just invited round theirs whilst I was round to meet the baby... all very pleasant and I thanked them in person.

It's a generational thing, could you say to your parents "ask John and sue to pop obverse next sat aft to meet little Bobby" then thank them then.

It doesn't need to be a drama.