Can you even call it cheating?

[SlickShady]

Inspired by another trending thread which I didn't want to derail, but actually it's not just that particular thread. How many times do people (usually women) complain their partner was cheating because they had sex outside of the marriage, yet they readily admit there was hardly or no sex within the marriage?

Can you really call that cheating?

I posit that cheating is only when you fulfil your side of the bargain but the other party doesn't. When one partner is always knackered or not in the mood, it's narcissistic to expect the other party just to do without. You can't even call it cheating if they find sex elsewhere.

Sure the favourite response is 'they have the option of leaving before cheating', but why is the onus of leaving on the partner who's deprived rather than the one depriving. Surely if one partner decides to hardly or never have sex anymore, it should be on them to leave.

I am a woman in a sexless marriage and I sympathise with the OP. We have a wonderful marriage in every other aspect, and yet I get intrusive feelings that I am ‘owed’ a good sex life. I know this is not true, I am not owed anything by my husband. But feel incredibly deprived, despite the many many other good things we do share. I know that with another husband who perhaps does satisfy me sexually I may be more unhappy because other aspects are not as great. This doesn’t stop me from fantasising constantly about a man who will actually have sex with me! I have had amazing sex with partners pre marriage. The issue for my DH is low sex drive/incredible inhibition. I resent him for it, I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I worry that if someone propositioned me I might actually accept, which scares the life out of me. I don’t want to jeopardise what I have.
We are late 30s/40s and haven’t had sex for nearly 2 years.
So there we have it. A sexless marriage that I didn’t agree to is very very hard.

So-
man looking to justify his shagging about
journo or student wanting us to prove his thesis
incel wanting ammo for a rant on Reddit or blog
man wanting to prove his moral and intellectual superiority over women

It’s different though isn’t it, because if my partner was horrible to me I couldn’t stay with him. But if everything else was perfect and he just wouldn’t sleep with me…

my point is more that it’s not as clear cut as everyone is making out. There are so many women on here seemingly outraged by the idea that not having sex would be an issue. Or course it would be - when either partner (man or women) is essentially withholding something very important. People on here posting “well it’s the man fault if we don’t want it” sound juvenile.

He was the one who was cheating. He was the one who made it very clear that there were to be no sexual relations between us.

For me personally, if the other party no longer wants an active sexual relationship then the onus has to be on the party that does want one to leave the relationship as it's still cheating. Bearing in mind that presumably sex is an important part of the relationship, if you are not able to enjoy that aspect then you are not really having a proper relationship. Why stay in it at all?

There are whole websites for married dating that help resolve this issue. Meet someone else in a dead bedroom, outsource the sex and intimacy. Problem resolved

Yes it's cheating but it's also a very valid reason to leave a relationship imo.

I honestly think more people cheat than they admit to!

@Longtimeposternc

No one said not having sex wouldn't be an issue

If its as fundamental as you claim then the lack of it is reason enough to end the relationship.

You wouldn't cheat with someone just so they were nice to you if your oh was abusive

A relationship is a whole thing with 1 person

Not bits here and there with different people

If the relationship doesn't fulfil you, end it and get one that does

Can you really call that cheating?

Yes, that was easy

Just hilarious... so I guess if the man in the relationship develops ED, the woman has free reign to have sex with whomever she likes?

😂

so yes

I do wonder what people think lesbians do in bed with no erect penis. Imagine! Queen Victoria certainly couldn't.

Is it even sex if there's only a limp dick in the vicinity? Apparently not

My personal view - yeah, if sex is not possible for any reason (ED is not much of a reason so I am ignoring that, but we could include it I suppose) then the possibility of opening up the marriage should be on the cards. Not everyone wants or would be bothered but it should be an option and no, shouldn't be labelled cheating.

It’s still cheating, it’s still not honouring your marriage vows.
So is permanently withdrawing from a sexual relationship, medical incapability excepted. Most of the cheating threads I’ve seen say there was still a sexual relationship, hence the usual rush of posters suggesting STD tests.

Tit for tat is not an adult way to behave, negotiate, leave, or put up and shut up.

I posit that cheating is only when you fulfil your side of the bargain but the other party doesn't.

I suppose if you are a transactional person who views a romantic partnership purely as an opportunity to obtain sex on demand, you might want to convince yourself this is true.

In which case, why bother with the romance?
You could just go out on the pull, have a wank, or (not that I condone this in the slightest) buy a sex worker. Because at least the sex worker will reliably put out for you, right?

When one partner is always knackered or not in the mood, it's narcissistic to expect the other party just to do without
😂😂😂Narcissistic?!!

You're having a laugh aren't you?
THAT is the attitude of a rapist.

Are you regularly troubled by women who don't want to have sex with you @SlickShady? Here's some kindly advice - the usual reason for women's reluctance is that their partner is a bit shit in bed.

You might want to work on your technique, & consider something other than your own satisfaction.

@Sparklfairy absolutely correct I feel. On the other hand can I also add in age-,I realise some older people are at it like rabbits ( very often it's newer relationships rather than 25- 50 year marriages ) is it expected that we all go on ad infinitum being interested this way- ? Would you split up at 55plus simply because one of you wasn't that bothered any more? I think some of you spring chickens on here may feel differently when you get to mid 50s onwards about what is vital in marriage

I get what you are saying op but yes it most definitely is cheating. It's wrong for one person in a marriage to just decide they don't want sex anymore and to just expect the other party to put up windows that, its also wrong for the other person to just go and get sex elsewhere on the quiet. I agree that a marriage without sex is essentially not a marriage but a friendship! All of these issues can be helped by being honest and open with your partner.

• with

You have a choice to leave that marriage though, you also could suggest an open marriage if he doesn't want to have sex at all . You have choices. If you slept with another man it would still be cheating no matter with the circumstances are (unless you'd agreed to an open relatinship)

It’s cheating.

There are many reasons someones sex drive might dwindle, if you are in a committed relationship then it’s both parties responsibility to work hard to communicate and resolve it, you don’t go searching for it somewhere else, that is not what a loving and caring person does.

Relationships are hard work, you need to have empathy and understanding for each other. If you can’t find a resolution then it may be the end but that still doesn’t give anyone the right to stray and cause immense harm and trauma to other person.

Getting strong incel vibes here.

That’s not actually that far fetched.

the principle behind modern polygamous relationships is the belief that no one person can give you all that you need and causes compromises that can cause unhappiness and resentment.

by breaking down your needs and having different people for each of them isn’t that far fetched, polygamy isn’t just about shagging.

tou could have someone who gives you your emotional needs and comfort, you could have someone else who satisfies maybe some kinks you have, you can another that might be a primary and where you live and fulfil your financial, and future goals and well-being etc.

in sure some one who is in or has polygamous relationships would be able to explain better. But with all of that trust and communication is key and so are boundaries, cheating doesn’t just have to mean sex, and even in polygamous or polyamorus relationships you can still cheat even when you might be having sex with multiple partners

fundamentally cheating is the breaking of red line agreed, implied or norm boundaries.

it is an action committed by one, and regardless of the circumstances or reasons or justification there is a choice not to, and a choice to end a relationship if it means that much prior to anything happening

Oh yikes, you’re not one of these men that think recreational sex is a basic human need are you?

Nothing turns a woman on as much as a man with expectations of sex. The desperation is overwhelming and irresistible.

Chances are your lovely wife can’t stand to have your grubby hands on her or she’s tired of having to fake enjoying it with you so she’s just stopped altogether, work on your technique and maybe you can rectify the situation. She probably pleasures herself when you’re not around anyway.

Yes, to answer your question. Seeking sex outside a marriage without your husband or wife’s knowledge or consent is cheating. But you already know this as you’ve already quoted the vows of forsaking all others. Not sure what you’re trying to get from this thread? Justification to cheat? Trolling? Being told you’re obviously shit in bed so the Mrs doesn’t want to have sex with you? An article for a red topped paper? Who knows, but a coherent argument this is not. It’s pretty vile to have your mindset.

Does the word love mean anything to you OP?

I wouldn't want sex for the sake of sex with someone I didn't love. It's the love that makes it sexy. I feel quite sorry for you.