Can you even call it cheating?

[SlickShady]

Inspired by another trending thread which I didn't want to derail, but actually it's not just that particular thread. How many times do people (usually women) complain their partner was cheating because they had sex outside of the marriage, yet they readily admit there was hardly or no sex within the marriage?

Can you really call that cheating?

I posit that cheating is only when you fulfil your side of the bargain but the other party doesn't. When one partner is always knackered or not in the mood, it's narcissistic to expect the other party just to do without. You can't even call it cheating if they find sex elsewhere.

Sure the favourite response is 'they have the option of leaving before cheating', but why is the onus of leaving on the partner who's deprived rather than the one depriving. Surely if one partner decides to hardly or never have sex anymore, it should be on them to leave.

They entered into a romantic, physcial relationship with you... and then they unilaterally changed the terms of that relationship. That's cheating.

No it really is not cheating.

Of course it's cheating. If one person wants more sex than the other, or if there's no sex at all, the partners should talk, address the issue and if that doesn't work, split up.

There are lots of reasons why the sex goes out of a long term relationship. My late husband would have said I didn't give him enough sex. I would have said I didn't want to have sex with someone who stank of stale alcohol sweat the entire time because he was an alcoholic. Two sides, one story.

You’re obviously a man posting something so provocative on MUMSNET! Pathetic!!
Yes of course it’s cheating 🙄

This.

I think she's gone off you because you are extremely patronising, with more than an undercurrent of anger. HTH.

Of course. Cheating +++

The difference is the commitment to stick together through thick and thin. The commitment not sex.

what is the difference between “she stopped fucking me, so I’m entitled to okay away” and
” I turned into a man she couldn’t even make herself fuck, that’s on her. So I’m entitled to play away.”

Why not be someone she’d want to have sex with.

Massive incel vibe here

I imagine your partner will be relieved when you cheat so she can divorce your sorry arse and not have to listen to any more of your misogynistic crap.

HTH.

Do your wife/husband a favour Mate and get found out- there's plenty of us here who would quite like to leave, but really would feel less guilty justifying it with a more tangible reason than 'he's useless about the house, watches far too much porn or have gone off him etc because he's turned into a Moaning bore and no We don't want sex -because we no longer feel the same due to those various factors.

Are you conducting research for your university thesis? You seem to want to know quite a lot of information.

"Your side of the bargain"

You have a horribly transactional view of marriage that I suspect is responsible for any dischord you're experiencing.

It's also VERY unsexy.

Of course it's cheating

The OP'a post has just reminded me of the fact if a woman gets very sick (eg cancer) her husband is statistically very likely to leave her.

YANBU. I have been in a relationship where someone just wouldn’t have sex. Started off strong and dwindled to once every 4-5 months. It was depressing as fuck. Sex is a key part of intimacy, of being a couple, of feeling desired. Someone you love not wanting it feels like a huge rejection.

of course there are times one expects it to ebb rather than flow - after having children, after illness or bereavement. But ultimately if DH was no longer willing to sleep with me I would not be happy. Maybe if I was desperate I would cheat - but I like to think I would have tried all discussions and counselling possible before I got there.

As a 40 something female, l can’t imagine not wanting and not enjoying sex. Whether it is part of a long term relationship or a passionate one off is not significant. It is like scratching an itch. I have needs and that helps me handle the rest of living.

But, if the other party viewed sex as something l gave to them or was part of a “bargain” (dreadful term), regardless of any other life issues l would walk away.

Also agree with this

But of course sex is part of the deal in most relationships! Just like talking is, or being kind to each to each other. It’s fundamental

It's mostly just unsurprising.

Although I am actually surprised by how many people don't cheat and put up with a dead bedroom for years. Yolo.

Definitely a man then

The thing is, most people men in a sexless relationship are too pigheaded to bother thinking about why their OH doesn't want sex. And men in particular don't get that 1) for women sex starts outside the bedroom with being kind thoughtful and going the extra mile. There is nothing more unattractive than a man who sits on his arse, ignores his wife in the day then paws at her come bedtime. She literally becomes a wanksock.

And 2) women are biologically programmed to not want to have sex with someone they "mother" and look after.

So If youre lazy, selfish, put your hobbies first and leave everything from housework to admin to her, youve become her "child" and she can't have sex with you.

Hint, taking the bins out once a week, and only when she reminds you, doesn't count.

no one is entitled to sex, that's why marital rape is illegal.

I suspect men don't want to leave and would rather cheat in fear of losing money in a divorce, but fundamental laziness of human nature means that rather than self reflect on what they could do to change themselves to be someone their OH wants to have sex with, it's the easy option to have their cake and eat it too by cheating.

I also think that often it's not the action of cheating itself that breaks a relationship. It's the lying, the double life, the fact that your values no longer align. Once trust has gone and you realise how wrong you were about the person you thought you married, its curtains imo.

So if your partner stopped being kind to you, would you stay in your marriage but seek kindness elsewhere?

Would you think that was a sensible option?

No it’s not cheating. it’s a loss of attraction or libido. No-one can demand someone else stays attracted to them or demand that their sex drive does not decrease.. You can’t demand this anymore than you can demand someone never gets made redundant, ages or develops mental or physical illness. If you marry a wealthy man and he ends up poor has he cheated? If you marry a beautiful woman who ages or gains weight, has she cheated? Or have these people, or their lives, just changed?

Life and people change. If they change in ways that mean the marriage no longer works, then leave the marriage. But don’t justify your desire to have your cake and eat it, or to avoid the cost of a divorce, by the mental contortion of them ‘being the cheat’ so that you don’t have to face up to accepting the moral responsibility for your own self -serving lies and cheating.

You can certainly see how journalists get their material, by reading through this thread. Why feed them?

If you marry a beautiful woman who ages or gains weight, has she cheated?

Ha. I reckon some of these delightful posters would say yes!

Of course it's cheating, stop thinking with your dick OP.

Of course it's cheating. Definitions don't change just because they don't fit your narrative 😂

Perhaps have some individual counselling to help you understand your incel attitude and why sexual coercion is a form of rape.