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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my SIL insensitive or deliberately spiteful?

134 replies

MissEDashwood19 · 15/08/2022 13:12

I have DC after over two years of infertility, a major surgery and subsequent IVF. I'm now pregnant again (with a frozen embryo).

We were very distressed dealing with infertility and shared our experiences and feelings very openly with our family.

Once our DC was born, my SIL showed no interest in said child and deliberately went out of her way to ignore the child at family events - even as child became a toddler and would go up and speak to her, saying "Aunty, hello Aunty". I would then distract child and tell DC that Aunty was busy, but never made a big deal of it.

I wondered if this was because SIL was going through something and never forced our DC on her or brought up her total lack of interest, bordering on being unkind to our DC.

I became pregnant again and SIL never acknowledged the pregnancy at all. No word of congratulations to either my DH or me, absolute silence. We live very near one another, so plenty of opportunity to say something in person too.

She became pregnant a couple of months after me, my MIL (with SIL's permission) shared the news with the family and I tried to ring SIL (she didn't pick up) so sent her a heartfelt congratulatory message which she did acknowledge.

When she next saw me in person she went out of her way to tell me she had conceived immediately with no issues and that she wouldn't be having any unnecessary tests or interventions like some women (I did the NIPT test and had an epidural with my first - both of which she knows).

The whole conversation deeply upset me. My husband said I'm being oversensitive and my best friend (the only other person I mentioned it to) thinks the comments were deliberate and spiteful. How should I handle this moving forward?

YABU - You're oversensitive
YANBU - Comments were deliberately unkind

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 15/08/2022 13:15

Yeah, No way all of that is accidental. I wouldn’t confront her about it, just bear in mind she’s not a nice person.

NoSquirrels · 15/08/2022 13:15

She sounds unpleasant.

But as to how you handle it, rising above would be the best thing to do. Treat it as water off a ducks back. She can’t be in a competition with you if you don’t allow her to be.

lamaze1 · 15/08/2022 13:17

As she knows your history YANBU sounds like a deliberate dig. Do you get on generally, or are relations strained?

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 13:17

YANBU

She was definitely being a dick making those comments

I'd like to think that she was only acting up as a self protection mechanism, or had struggled and wanted to pretend otherwise and went too far

But some people are just assholes so maybe she is one of those too

OatcakeCravings · 15/08/2022 13:18

Yeah, she doesn’t like you and by extension your child! Just be polite but don’t expect a friendship/relationship with her, it will save your sanity in the long run!

frazzledasarock · 15/08/2022 13:18

yeah she’s deliberately being a bitch.

ignore the nastiness. She has no idea what tests and intervention she’ll want as her pregnancy progresses. And she’ll certainly have no idea what she’ll want when she’s in labour.

let her get on with it. Just keep in mind she’s not a nice person and doesn’t like you.

Blev2022 · 15/08/2022 13:18

NoSquirrels · 15/08/2022 13:15

She sounds unpleasant.

But as to how you handle it, rising above would be the best thing to do. Treat it as water off a ducks back. She can’t be in a competition with you if you don’t allow her to be.

I agree with this. She sounds like an awful SIL but also the type that if you brought it up it wouldn't resolve anything.

10HailMarys · 15/08/2022 13:20

Well, to me - based purely on what you've said here - I think it sounds deliberately spiteful. But obviously I don't know her or what she's usually like or what her tone was when you were having the conversation, so it's also possible she's just incredibly self-absorbed and never gives anyone else's experiences or feelings a second thought (like the kind of person who, despite being aware of a friend's money worries and having been told that they're using a food bank, starts going on about how she can only afford one Caribbean holiday this year instead of two without ever stopping to think why that might be insensitive).

Putonyourshoes · 15/08/2022 13:20

I think the lack of interest in your children and the conversation you had the first time you saw her after her pregnancy announced are separate issues.

The first, although you could have found it hurtful, I think you should let go. Some people have no interest in babies/children until they become mothers themselves. And even then some only really care about their own children. Ignoring your DC for example could be down to simply not really knowing how to interact with them. My SIL is similar with other’s children but is a great Mum herself, it just doesn’t come naturally to her to be around children.

The latter, is insensitive, yes. Commenting on how fast and easily you conceived to someone you know had issues is very thoughtless and could be seen as intentionally cruel. The comments about avoiding unnecessary tests or interventions, I think you are maybe reading into more than you need to, lots of people have this mindset and it isn’t a direct insult to you if your choices differ.

catandcoffee · 15/08/2022 13:23

OP why are you going out of your way to be 'kind ' to someone who ignores you and your child ?
Have a real think about that.... anyone who ignores a young child,deliberately, is a nasty piece of work.

LairyMcClairy · 15/08/2022 13:24

Maybe she thinks you were overly dramatic sharing all the details of your ivf etc and wants to show she can manage pregnancy/parenthood effortlessly. A weird kind of showing off for being super fertile and laid back with it? Just ignore her or tell her to stop being such a nob.

StClare101 · 15/08/2022 13:25

She sounds nasty and I would give her very little time and energy.

When she’s in labour you can smile quietly to yourself while you wonder if she endures it pain free or shock horror with an epidural… have a lovely glass of wine and celebrate her impending arrival while you do!

Original poster
MissEDashwood19 · 15/08/2022 13:26

lamaze1 · 15/08/2022 13:17

As she knows your history YANBU sounds like a deliberate dig. Do you get on generally, or are relations strained?

There's never been any overt unkindness or falling out. I have wondered if she resents PIL's interest in DC, their first grandchild.

That said, PIL are extremely generous to SIL in terms of financial assistance, practical support and time.

I know my DH struggled with the fact my PIL bought her a house and paid for the upkeep of her horses, but I never got involved in any of that as it was between them (PIL and their children).

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 15/08/2022 13:29

Both - she's been a bitch but there is absolutely no need to (or benefit in) taking it personally. I'd do the minimum required to be civil, no more.

Thornethorn · 15/08/2022 13:29

Probably jealousy.

I wouldn't waste thinking time on it. She's not a friend.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2022 13:31

Stop trying to make nice with this arsehole. She's not interested and she's definitely not worth it. She would cease to exist in my world.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/08/2022 13:32

She is being a cow.

I conceived really quickly and it was such a shock (literally one week decided to start trying, 2 weeks later I was pregnant) that I think it contributed to pre natal depression (thought I'd ruined my life etc). However I didnt mention it to anyone, even though it might have helped to talk about it, because I knew it was nothing compared to what other people were going through and was trying to be sensitive to people with fertility struggles.

And the 'unnecessary interventions' comment, unless you were asking her about her birth plan, is completely out of context and basically just designed to make you feel shit.

If it was just a one off then I'd say give her the benefit of the doubt but her behaviour in general stinks. I dont like other peoples kids and don't go out of my way to interact with them but I'd not ignore one, and I still manage to congratulate people on their pregnancies.

I have the feeling she is going to be one of those people who send you lists of expensive presents that their child wants and expects a lot from you but doesnt get your child anything at all. Be aware of this in your future relationship and make sure you never go out of your way for her.

I'm a but disappointed in how your husband has reacted...he might be desperate to not face up to how much of a cow she is and want to believe that she didnt mean it hastily...but it's very harsh to basically blame you for reacting in a normal way to her shit behaviour. Most people will be sensitive about infertility issues. I hope he has your back in future as unfortunately she is clearly seeing all aspects of motherhood as some sort of competition so it wont be the last time something like this happens

LadyEloise1 · 15/08/2022 13:34

frazzledasarock · 15/08/2022 13:18

yeah she’s deliberately being a bitch.

ignore the nastiness. She has no idea what tests and intervention she’ll want as her pregnancy progresses. And she’ll certainly have no idea what she’ll want when she’s in labour.

let her get on with it. Just keep in mind she’s not a nice person and doesn’t like you.

This. 💯
She's not a nice person.
Keep your distance.
Be polite but disengaged.

Original poster
MissEDashwood19 · 15/08/2022 13:36

Putonyourshoes · 15/08/2022 13:20

I think the lack of interest in your children and the conversation you had the first time you saw her after her pregnancy announced are separate issues.

The first, although you could have found it hurtful, I think you should let go. Some people have no interest in babies/children until they become mothers themselves. And even then some only really care about their own children. Ignoring your DC for example could be down to simply not really knowing how to interact with them. My SIL is similar with other’s children but is a great Mum herself, it just doesn’t come naturally to her to be around children.

The latter, is insensitive, yes. Commenting on how fast and easily you conceived to someone you know had issues is very thoughtless and could be seen as intentionally cruel. The comments about avoiding unnecessary tests or interventions, I think you are maybe reading into more than you need to, lots of people have this mindset and it isn’t a direct insult to you if your choices differ.

I completely understand which is why I never pushed it. I have friends who openly admit they find children boring, which I completely accept and I don't discuss my DC with them as I have other topics of conversation.

That said, my SIL has always been very interested in her godchildren constantly talking about them and is a primary school teacher, so seemed strange that she was so disinterested in/borderline hostile towards our child. Our DC is very easygoing, gentle and undemanding, so can't believe its anything my DC is doing.

She repeated how easily she conceived to my DH twice, as well.

OP posts:
Peanutbuttericecream1 · 15/08/2022 13:36

I have many issues with my SIL and in-laws in general. Whenever I have posted on MN for advice or help, concensus has been to keep them at arms length. Therefore I suggest what has been suggested to me. Do the bare minimum Xmas, Easter and one birthday. Protect DC from rejection and expose her to family members that show her love. Lead by example, your DC should not expose themselves to people that persistantly reject them. It will lead to the wrong sort of relationships in adult life.

CourtneeLuv · 15/08/2022 13:37

MissEDashwood19 · 15/08/2022 13:12

I have DC after over two years of infertility, a major surgery and subsequent IVF. I'm now pregnant again (with a frozen embryo).

We were very distressed dealing with infertility and shared our experiences and feelings very openly with our family.

Once our DC was born, my SIL showed no interest in said child and deliberately went out of her way to ignore the child at family events - even as child became a toddler and would go up and speak to her, saying "Aunty, hello Aunty". I would then distract child and tell DC that Aunty was busy, but never made a big deal of it.

I wondered if this was because SIL was going through something and never forced our DC on her or brought up her total lack of interest, bordering on being unkind to our DC.

I became pregnant again and SIL never acknowledged the pregnancy at all. No word of congratulations to either my DH or me, absolute silence. We live very near one another, so plenty of opportunity to say something in person too.

She became pregnant a couple of months after me, my MIL (with SIL's permission) shared the news with the family and I tried to ring SIL (she didn't pick up) so sent her a heartfelt congratulatory message which she did acknowledge.

When she next saw me in person she went out of her way to tell me she had conceived immediately with no issues and that she wouldn't be having any unnecessary tests or interventions like some women (I did the NIPT test and had an epidural with my first - both of which she knows).

The whole conversation deeply upset me. My husband said I'm being oversensitive and my best friend (the only other person I mentioned it to) thinks the comments were deliberate and spiteful. How should I handle this moving forward?

YABU - You're oversensitive
YANBU - Comments were deliberately unkind

I'd cut her off. She's laid the battle lines. Fuck her.

TrashPandas · 15/08/2022 13:38

How should I handle this moving forward?

Do you need to do anything? It doesn't sound like you see her much, and she mostly ignores you, so at family events or whatever just exchange polite small talk and then move away.

Yorkshirepuddingwithsyrupnotgravy · 15/08/2022 13:39

She's the golden child of her parents (they pay for her house and horses), but you and your DH have given them their first DGC. She's simply jealous. Expect her to demand more of GPs time than your DC have once her child is born

whynotwhatknot · 15/08/2022 13:40

sounds like a bitch delibratly ignoreing her niece-thats jut downright nasty

does your dh also think thats ok

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2022 13:41

Who's the oldest out of sil and dh?