Is my SIL insensitive or deliberately spiteful?

[MissEDashwood19]

I have DC after over two years of infertility, a major surgery and subsequent IVF. I'm now pregnant again (with a frozen embryo).

We were very distressed dealing with infertility and shared our experiences and feelings very openly with our family.

Once our DC was born, my SIL showed no interest in said child and deliberately went out of her way to ignore the child at family events - even as child became a toddler and would go up and speak to her, saying "Aunty, hello Aunty". I would then distract child and tell DC that Aunty was busy, but never made a big deal of it.

I wondered if this was because SIL was going through something and never forced our DC on her or brought up her total lack of interest, bordering on being unkind to our DC.

I became pregnant again and SIL never acknowledged the pregnancy at all. No word of congratulations to either my DH or me, absolute silence. We live very near one another, so plenty of opportunity to say something in person too.

She became pregnant a couple of months after me, my MIL (with SIL's permission) shared the news with the family and I tried to ring SIL (she didn't pick up) so sent her a heartfelt congratulatory message which she did acknowledge.

When she next saw me in person she went out of her way to tell me she had conceived immediately with no issues and that she wouldn't be having any unnecessary tests or interventions like some women (I did the NIPT test and had an epidural with my first - both of which she knows).

The whole conversation deeply upset me. My husband said I'm being oversensitive and my best friend (the only other person I mentioned it to) thinks the comments were deliberate and spiteful. How should I handle this moving forward?

YABU - You're oversensitive
YANBU - Comments were deliberately unkind

Those are deliberately and very unkind words. I know it is mean but I hope that she does not have an easy pregnancy and a long delivery, let's see her stance then on no intervention...

That may have been your experience, but it isn't the case here.

I hardly stole her thunder during pregnancy (as I was pregnant before her both times) and, in fact, my SIL never congratulated or acknowledged either pregnancy, which we accepted as we didn't know her circumstances.

My SIL also announced this pregnancy at six weeks, so there was no expectation that she had to conceal her happiness or wait for weeks/months to "break" the news to us.

I also gave her lots of baby things for her unborn baby and wrote her a lovely message and card.

I also never begrudged or stopped my siblings from celebrating their pregnancies/ babies due to my infertility. Nobody put their lives on hold for us and we didn't expect them to. I think this is a very unfair assumption.

That said, I would completely understand if someone had to distance themselves from me due to their heartbreak with infertility. I'm extremely lucky to have a DC and I know many women (including a friend) who IVF didn't work for and I don't need them to put their mental health at risk to congratulate me on "achieving" something that they desperately wanted.

I see it as jealousy. You had a child first, a girl and you’ve stated up thread that she also wants a girl first. The first grandchild in the family was a girl and she probably wanted to be the person to give that first grandchild/granddaughter. It’s just jealousy on her part. Do you see that’s what it is? I wonder if her reaction would’ve been different if your son had been born first.

OP, you seem very hung up on hierarchy in you extended family: you were pregnant fist, you've been married longer ... etc etc. It appears a bit like insecurity. Just get on with your life, and stop obsessing over the perceived slights of your SiL. You're not close, she's not interested in a relationship, you've done your best. Leave it.

Ask yourself, why should she be friends with you, simply because you're married to her brother? It's not something she's chosen, and it seems, from your posts, that you are not particularly compatible.

Just let it go, and work on your own self-esteem.

I agree. The OP seems to want to know why she’s not liked/loved by her SIL. Some people just don’t care that much about extended family or maybe they have nothing in common.

Or the SIL just dislikes her for no reason and that’s perfectly fine. The OP can be married first, have the first child, and be “the first” for everything. Maybe SIL just doesn’t care. SIL might be a perfect nice and normal person who doesn’t want to get to close for whatever reason. Maybe she’s discreet, shy, get on with her own life.

what I can tell from the previous posts is that the OP doesn’t accept that her SIL doesn’t acknowledge her the way she wanted to be acknowledged. I’m sorry but I’m with the SIL in this one.

I honestly couldn't care less about these facts and only shared them when asked for more context from other posters.

My SIL isn't married and doesn't believe in marriage. My DH and I having been together longer than her and her DP was a response to a previous question and not a judgement or something I'm remotely competitive about.

As for being competitive about who was pregnant first, again this is a fact and response to a previous question. I'm just grateful to have DC and be pregnant after infertility and treat it as a gift not a competition with anyone else.

In fact, I was delighted when my SIL announced her pregnancy as I thought it'd be lovely for our children to grow up together. My DC's other cousins live far away from us.

I am perfectly happy having a distant, polite relationship but not when someone makes pointed digs at me about how I conceived and birthed my children and deliberately ignores my DC when they try to speak to them (this has happened multiple times). The last one is particularly hurtful when it's only directed at my DC (a very young toddler) and not at any other children.

My DH desperately wants a close relationship with his sister, so I have made an effort for his benefit.

You seem to be deliberately misinterpreting everything I say, so I won't be responding any further.

Is @LuftBalloons secretly your SIL, OP? 🕶

😂 🤣🤣🤣

Re: her ignoring your child, maybe when her own kid is born she'll start treating your DC normally if it was a jealousy thing, but if she doesn't, I'd just call her out. When your daughter tries talking to her and gets ignored, don't make excuses (aunty's busy) just say "some people are very rude, but you don't have to talk to them". Sod her.

She sounds like she didn’t like the spotlight being stolen. so I’d prepare your self for the golden child’s, child to become the golden grandchild and yours to be dropped pretty quickly.

My sil cracks jokes about how she bets we will have more children just to have the oldest and youngest dgc we won’t we are done, but it shows her mind set that she thinks we are in competition with her when frankly I’d rather poke pins in my eyes than go back to baby years. Her dc are the golden dgc which makes her jokes even stranger.

nah just a rude entitled bitch your dh can make excuses till it comes out of his ears but shes not going to change personality

This great advice and I won't be making excuses for her rudeness moving forward.

I hope her having her own baby will improve things, but not sure it will. I think she's very competitive with her brother (my DH) and my DC and me are collateral damage as she tries to assert her position in the family.

Please tell me how you came to this ridiculous conclusion. I know it wasn't because you read this post. Or maybe you read the post and have comprehension problems.

How do you justify treating one child great and the other child like shit. Because that's what SIL is going to do to OP child.

SIL is a horrible piece of trash

SIL sounds horrible and I really wouldn't bother with her anymore. It is sad but you can't force a relationship. It sounds like sibling rivalry from the SIL.

My younger brother and his wife are having a baby this year. My brother dotes on my two boys (conceived via IVF) and when his little one comes along, I'll be a loving aunty.

She doesn’t sound very nice but I would just ignore it to be honest. You’ve got a lovely DC and one more on the way. Who cares if you had an epidural? She might end up with an EMCS you can’t control these things. Just let her find out for herself 🤷‍♀️That comment wouldn’t have bothered me to be honest. I wouldn’t put any effort in though.

Nail on the head. Be prepared for the grandparents to deprioritise your children once her child is born, this level of favouritism tends to carry through the generations. Your poor dh

Agree. I expect the fact you and DH have been the focus of attention (first with the difficulties of IVF, then having the first grandchild) is behind her attitude.

Shes behaving appallingly. Ignore her. Completely.

Just seems strange as she also told other family members how easy it was for her to conceive, so clearly wants everyone to know this information.

She sounds very jealous! Boasting about something that's completely outside her control and down to chance. What did the other family members say? "Congratulations on both of you being fertile and shagging at the right time of the month"?

Be prepared for her to spend the rest of her life unfavourably comparing your children to hers.

OP you have a DH problem, he's seeking acceptance from a sibling who doesn't give a shit about him.

Now you can't control that but you can control who your little toddler seeks out.

Keep your precious child away from this awful women, and don't try to hide it.

Let her know you're aware of what she doing and don't ignore her nasty behaviour.

Find your inner tiger and protect your child.
Leave you other half to beg for crumbs from his so called sister.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

PS. you don't need to be nice to people who treat you badly.

As it was early days when you told her, she was probably terrified.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You are what's known as an enabler. To deliberately ignore a child who's calling out to you is cruel and nasty. You don't need to be a lover of children to acknowledge a child's presence.

If a strangers child smiles or waves i wil smile or wave and no it doesn't come "naturally" to me to do this.

To say your sil is the same but great with her own as though this is ok is total crap. You mean ur sil is awful to children not her own. And you think this is ok!

Your post is littered with excuses and justifications. I really don't get why. You then try and gaslight the op by saying she's reading too much into things.
When you are dealing with people like this you are not reading too much into anything. Its deliberate and nasty.

I can only think you display similar behaviour as the sil so think this is ok or you're a half wit.

Terrified of what?

You're post makes no sense

What is a pfb?

Did u even read the post?
Expecting your child to be acknowledged is expecting them to be central to everyone's life?
Surely you jest?